A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist.
The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.
Right away he tells her to undress.
After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she says, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That’s right,” says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her melons.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asks.
“Yes,” says the woman, “you’re checking for any lumps of melons cancer.”
“That’s right,” replies the doctor.
He then begins to have bang lovemaking with the woman.
He says to her, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes,” she says. “You’re getting herpes.”
A woman goes to the doctor
Four strangers traveled together
3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break.
The first guy says “If I get a vegimite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”.
The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”.
The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.”
The next day the first guy gets a vegimite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich.
All 3 guys jump of the bridge and die.
The next day at their funerals the first wife says “If he just told me I would have given him a different sandwich.”
The second guys wife says “It is all my fault. If only I knew.”
The third wife says “I don’t get it, he makes his own lunch.”
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates
A husband got a message from his neighbour
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children.
Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
“Darling wife,” the husband whispers, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if.”
The wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
A couple in their nineties were both having problems
Ole and Lena are having make love
A married man decided to work late to be with his hot secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner.
It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great lovemaking for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him.
Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, “Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!”
Hell, she answered, ripping open her T-shirt, “Look what he did to my melons!”
A female reporter was conducting an interview
A business man packing for a trip
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
She screamed at him: “You’re a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I’m your faithful wife!”
She was about to storm off, when her husband stopped her with these words: “Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!”
“Fine!” sobbed the angry wife, “but they will be your LAST words to me!”
“Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home.”
She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening.
Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don’t wear because the colors don’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, “Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
A 6th grade teacher asks a question
A blonde and a Lawyer on an airplane
A couple in the backyard.
The wife bends over to pick something up.
Her husband looking at her behind says: “wow, your bum is bigger than the bbq!”
She gets upset and says; “no, it’s not.”
A bit arguing and he gets a tape measure.
He measures the bbq and her bum and…
Sure enough, her but is bigger than the bbq.
Silently she disappears into the house that night both in bed.
He moves toward her and wants to have some fun.
She says, “Do you think I’m going to fire up that big bbq for one little wiener???”
A mother found a candy bar wrapper
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule he tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
A guard dog
The Argentinean golfer Robert
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A young blonde visiting her doctor
At the pearly gates he was asked
A man sat in the confession booth in church and said
Forgive me, my Father, for I have sinned
What have you done my son ?
The priest asked. “I had a Promiscuous dream
I dream that I the touched the b**ast of Kim
Silence prevailed for a moment, followed by the noise of the priest leaving his seat.
The man thought to himself “Oh God , he must felt great resentment after my confession !!”
Suddenly , the door opened on the Christian side and the priest exclaimed :
“Let me kiss your hand”
Old Men Are Fast Thinkers Beware
Undressing
An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.
One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars.
Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride.
She refused, quipping “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride.
Again Helen turned it down, saying “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The third year the same exact conversation happened, except this time the pilot overheard.
He offered the couple a free ride, but with one condition.
They must not make a sound while in the air, or they would have to pay the 50 dollars.
Bill and Helen agreed and climbed aboard.
As soon as they left the ground, the pilot began performing hair raising maneuvers in the air, but try as he might, he could not get the couple to utter a sound.
When they finally touched down, the pilot turned to Bill and exclaimed, “that was an amazing show of self control, you have earned your free ride”.
Bill replied, “well, I nearly said something when Helen fell out, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
She asks the doctor about her baby
A serious drunk walked into a bar
One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home,…
when he saw a man eating grass by the side of the road
“Why are doing that?” the lawyer asked.
“I don’t have any money for food” the man replied.
“Oh, then you must come with me”.
“But, Sir, I have a wife and five children.”
“They are all welcome”.
So the family got in the lawyer’s car and he sped off towards his mansion.
“You’re so kind to help so many people” the wife gushed during the journey.
“It’s fine”. said the lawyer.
“I haven’t cut my grass in weeks
A junior manager a senior manager and their boss
Baby Love, Cup Of Tea & Dad
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.”
I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer;
had an affair with his boss’ wife; had make love with his boss’ 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs;
had several affairs; was arrested several times for public undressed and gave VD to his sister-in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things…
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
Just as the Priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived” said the politician.
“In fact I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Two hunters from Moscow charter
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai
Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette, the other walks out to his moped.
The guy with the moped admires the Corvette and the owner lets him take a look at it.
The he gets on his moped, the other guy gets into his ‘Vette, and they both leave the parking lot.
The guy in the Corvette decides to show off and race out of the parking lot.
He stops at a stop light. Enjoying his music he looks out the window and sees the guy on the moped flying by at about 80 mph!
He can’t believe a moped can go that fast! So he races up to the guy on the moped and passes him again to show how fast he can go.
At the next stop light, the guy on the moped speeds by once more.
Finally the Corvette and moped stop at the same stop light.
“How the hell did you go past me so fast like that!?”
The guy in the Corvette asks. The guy on the moped, all flushed and pale, looks at the man and says, “MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR!!!!”
Telemarketer Repellant
God save the person
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
Three old men are talking about
The man asked the doctor
A man goes to the circus and sees a line of people.
It extends far into the distance.
The man walks up to a person in the line and asks him, “Sir, what is this line for?”
The person replies, “Go to the front.”
So the man walks up the line. and he keeps walking, and walking, but the line never ends.
He gets tired of this and decides to ask another person what it’s for.
So he goes to the nearest person and asks him, “Sir, what is this line for?”
The person replies, “Go to the front.”
The man thinks about this for a moment, he wants to go back, but he is already quite far down the line.
“Shurley,” he thinks to himself, “The front must be just around one more bend.”
So he continues to walk down the line in search of the front.
After following it to the exit of the circus, he stops again.
Seeing how it leaves the place he paid money to get into he gets frustrated.
So he asks another person, “Sir, could you please tell me what this line is for?”
The person replies, “Go to the front.”
This gets the man very frustrated and he yells, “Well where is the front!?!”
The person replies, “Far out in the desert, many many miles away.”
The man implores further, “Can I get there at all?”
The person replies, “You can get there three days time on foot, but by vehicle it would be impossible.”
So the man sets off into the dessert, determined to find the front and what it’s for.
He hikes for many miles, over boulders, thru for rest, up and down canyon walls, warding off wolves and bears with nothing but his hands.
Finally, after three days time he comes to the front of the line.
There at the front, is a small booth with a cardboard sign, next to the sign is and old man in a hawaiian t-shirt and sunglasses.
The people in the line walk up to him, give him a wad of cash, he punches them, and then they start walking back towards the beginning of the line.
The man walks up to the Old man and asks him, “Sir, what is this line for?”
The Old Man turns soberly to him and says, “Son, after a long time in life you’ll learn something.”
“What?” says the man.
The old man replies, “Every joke needs a punch line.”
An ant is lying in its deathbed in North Korea
A Preacher, a Lawyer, and a Doctor all go hunting
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The boy is wearing a firefighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.
The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.
“That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration.
“Thanks,” says the little boy.
As the firefighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.
“Little partner,” the firefighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”
The little boy says, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”
A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman
Three ladies were on a flight
Finding one of her student Little Johnny making faces at others on the playground,..
Ms. Smith stopped to gently scold the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said,
“Johnny, when I was a child,
I was told if that I made ugly faces,
it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Johnny looked up and replied,
“Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident
Dry humor about water
She never took an interest in religious studies, and usually she slept through class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping.
“Tell me, April, who created the universe?”
When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April.
The teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
April didn’t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with the pin again.
“JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April.
The teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
A married couple was in a terrible accident
A wood-chopping contest
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see eachvchild’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist
The patient ask to doctor
A man was having an affair with a married woman for quite some time.
One day her husband comes home early from work.
The wife hears him come in, jumps up and tells her lover to go into the bathroom and hide.
The moment he dives into the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes in.
He stops in surprise at seeing his wife stark undressed. ”What the hell are you doing?”
Thinking quickly, the wife says, ”Uhm waiting for you.”
The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, ”But you’re undressed.”
Again the woman says, ”Yeah… I was waiting for you.”
The husband relaxes and says, ”Hold on, I’m going to jump in the shower. I’ll be back in a flash!”
The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom.
When he opens the bathroom door, there is a undressed man jumping around and clapping.
The husband asks,” What in the hell are you doing?”
He replied, ”I’m the exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a problem with moths.”
The other man looks at him and says, ”But… you’re undressed.”
The lover looks down, jumps in surprise and mutters, ”Them little bastards!”
A woman came home early from work
A woman and a baby were in the doctor
Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs…”AMEN, BROTHER!”
When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again…”PREACH IT, REVEREND!”
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying…they jumped to their feet and screamed, “RIGHT ON, BROTHER…TELL IT LIKE IT IS…AMEN!”
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet, and one turned to the other and said, “He’s done quit preaching and now he’s meddling’.”
A man got really drunk one night
A young executive was leaving the office
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied…
“Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?”
A blonde goes into a nearby store
A young woman went to her doctor
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
A father put his three year old daughter
A older couple wakes up
A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have make love with you, but I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend said, “Do it but ask him for $2,000.
Then pick up the money so fast, he won’t even have enough time to undress himself.”
She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks,
“So what happened?”
She responds, “The bastard used coins, so I’m still picking it up and he is still choking me!”
A dentist told a mother
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, “Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?”
“Uhh, oh yeah, O.K.” responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, “Well how much did you give the boy this time?”
“Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000.”
“That’s $1020!!!” yelled Dad, “Are you going crazy???”
“Don’t worry hon,” Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!”
She charged that he had called her a pig
The doctor examined the man
So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter.
There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks,
“What are these clocks for?”
St. Peter replies, “These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell.
Here we have Mother Teresa’s clock.
She has never lied so the clock has not moved.
Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice.”
The man then asks, “So where is George Bush’s clock?”
St. Peter replies, “Oh, that is in Jesus’ office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!”
Mother superior tells two new nuns
Guy calls in to his Boss
Two very old men were having a conversation about make love.
Elmer says, “Yes sir, I did it three times last night with a 30-year-old!”
Leon replies, “You’re kidding! I can’t even manage to do it once! What’s your secret?”
To which Elmer said, “Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I’m not kidding!”
So the second old man rushed to the store.
The clerk asks the old man, “May I help you?’
“Yes, I’d like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please,” said Leon.
“That’s a lot of bread! It’s sure to get hard before you’re done!” the clerk remarked.
Leon replies, “Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?”
The driver is a little old lady
Johnny preschool class went on a field trip
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
Three female fugitives escaping from jail
A blonde went to a flight school insisting
The teacher asks her class
“What is love?”
Little Johnny stands up says ,
“love is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination.
Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?”
And the teacher fainted.
A guy meet his friends for drink
Elder brother and his girlfriend
A couple is in bed sleeping when there’s a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it’s half past 3 in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there’s a man standing there. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost. It’s half past three and I was in bed,” says the man as he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, “That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife.” He needs our help and it’s the right thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”
And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” The drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.”
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son
A couple were making their first doctor visit