A guy and a girl met at a bar.
They started getting along really well and they decide to go to the girl’s place for a drink.
A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands.
He then took off his socks and washed his hands.
The girl looked at him and said, “You must be a dentist!”
Flabbergasted, the guy responded, “Why yes. That’s amazing. How did you determine that?”
The woman replied, “Easy… you keep washing your hands.”
Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed. Things became more and more passionate and after their passionate deed was done the woman remarked, “You must be a GREAT dentist!”
The guy was very surprised, and said ‘Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist You amaze me! And how did you know THAT, my dear?
His lover said, “That’s easy. I didn’t feel a thing.”
A old lady dies and goes to Heaven
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains
A burglar is stalking stealthily around the living room of the house he’s just broken into.
He jumps with fright when he suddenly hears a voice behind him saying “Crook, beware, Jesus, watches you”
He turns around, swings the beam of his flashlight into the direction the voice comes from and sees what indeed the voice had made him think once he was over his first fright: a parrot.
The bird repeats “Crook, beware, Jesus watches you”
The burglar walks up to the cage and asks “And what may your name be?”
The parrot answers “Coco.”
The burglar sniggers and says, “I’ve always found that a very stupid name for a parrot.”
The parrot answers “Maybe, but not half as silly as Jesus for a Doberman.”
A man walks out onto a busy New York City
Joe was sitting at a bar
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish police officer.
He thinks that he is smarter than the officer because he is a lawyer from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish policeman.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish officer’s expense.
The Scottish policeman says, “License and registration, please.”
And the London Lawyer says, “What for?”
The Scottish policeman responds, “Ye didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
The London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
The Scottish officer says, “Ye still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”
The London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
The Scottish officer says, “The difference is, ye have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
The London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
And the Scottish officer says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Scottish officer takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and finally says, “Da you want me to stop or just slow down?”
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender
A psychiatrist met an old patient
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.
“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, “My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”
The old man was so happy, he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it.
The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.
She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, “so this is the hussy he’s been fooling around with!”
He picked up the phone
A little boy comes down for breakfast
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.
HIM: “I’m sorry dear but I’m up to my neck in work today.”
HER: “But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you dear.”
HIM: “OK darling, but as I’ve got no time now, just give me the good news.”
HER: “Well, the air bag works.”
After 25 years of marriage
The lady sitting next to a man
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
“Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
The owner of a golf course was confused
A old lady goes to her bank
Two men are drinking in a bar.
One turns to the other and says, “I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye.”
The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he’s had about enough, so he replies, “OK, you’re on.”
The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
So the second man has to pay.
Awhile later the first man says, “I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye.”
The second man thinks, well, he can’t have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see.
So he says, “All right, you’re on.”
The first man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
A old lady and old man were sitting on their porch
A speeding driver was pulled over
A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked, “Why was I pulled over when I wasn’t the only one speeding.”
The police replied, “Have you ever been fishing?”
The man then said, “yes”.
“Have you ever caught all the fish?” asked the policeman.
Two men are drinking in a bar
A woman told her husband
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away.”
The second lady said, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can’t remember whether I was on my up, or on my way down.”
The third lady chimed in, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have those problems. Knock on wood.”
With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said, “That must be the door. I’ll get it.”
She caught the burglar red-handed
A old man was sitting on a bus
Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around.
She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around.
She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The blonde shouts, “fire!!”
A hot new secretary
A young couple were on their honeymoon
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money
Many people had tried…
over time: weightlifters, dockers, etc., but nobody could do it.
One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, “OK”; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow But the Crowd’s laughter turned to total silence…
as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man: “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little fellow quietly replied: “I work for the Australian Taxation Office
A doctor entered the hospital
The first snow of the season
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments,
“You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”
“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.
“Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died leaving me $50,000.”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing!”
A drunk was sitting in a bar
Sarah was reading a newspaper
There was a guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; Alas, he couldn’t afford to feed it.
He’d never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground.
So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000.
All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump.
Finally, one little guy arrives in a limousine.
He’s carrying a baseball bat.
He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephant’s balls pretty badly.
Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000.
Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest.
He’d never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, “no”
Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize.
Lots of people try and fail.
Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant.
He says, “Remember me?”
The elephant nods yes.
The man says holds up his bat and says, “Want me to use this again?”
The elephant nods his head rather emphatically “NO”.
It was the end of the school day
A man walks past a beggar every day
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says:
“You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands:
“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”
The guy replies: “I did today I’m taking them to the beach!”
A rabbit and a bear were walking in the forest
A man walks into a bar and leans over
A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have make love with you, but I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend said, “Do it but ask him for $2,000.
Then pick up the money so fast, he won’t even have enough time to undress himself.”
She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks,
“So what happened?”
She responds, “The bastard used coins, so I’m still picking it up and he is still choking me!”
A dentist told a mother
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office
The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper.
Money was tight and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.
Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, “This is for you, Daddy.“
He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty.
He yelled at her, “Don’t you know that when you give someone a present, there’s supposed to be something inside it?”
The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, “Oh, Daddy, it is not empty I blew kisses into the box all for you, Daddy.”
The father was crushed he put his arms around his little girl, and he begged for her forgiveness.
It is told that the man kept that gold box by his bed for years and whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.
In a very real sense, each of us as humans have been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, friends, family and God.
There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.
I have two female parrots
A elderly man in Louisiana
After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man,
“You appear to be in good health do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
“In fact, I do,” said the old man.
“After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,
“Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her,
“Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time do you know why?”
“Oh, that crazy old fart” she replied.
“That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”
A young man was walking through a supermarket
A man was leaving a convenience store
Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.
Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.
Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?
Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology based approach?
Karen: At last a sensible approach.
Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?
Karen: it’s cancer.
Doctor: Well what a bang coincidence.
A old lady went to visit her dentist
A man sees his wife packing a suitcase
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her.
The supervisor couldn’t believe it: The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her melons was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
“Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your melons exposed!”
“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her melons into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They never put anything back when they’re through using it!”
Two businessmen were taking
A young lady meet a man in a pub
Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs…”AMEN, BROTHER!”
When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again…”PREACH IT, REVEREND!”
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying…they jumped to their feet and screamed, “RIGHT ON, BROTHER…TELL IT LIKE IT IS…AMEN!”
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet, and one turned to the other and said, “He’s done quit preaching and now he’s meddling’.”
A man got really drunk one night
A young executive was leaving the office
Herm is 85 years old and retired.
He gets a checkup with his physician.
A week or so afterward the doc sees Herm strolling the boardwalk with his arm around a beautiful, comely young female.
The doctor stops him and asks, “Herm, you must be feeling terrific, yes?”
Herman says, “Just following orders, Doc. You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful.”
The physician exclaims, “Herm, that’s not what I told you! I said, ‘Your heart’s got a murmur. Be careful.”
A old man went to the Bank
Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her T-shirt open.
A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, “Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman’s right fronts is hanging out.”
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her front is hanging out.
When he gets face to face with her he says, “Ma’am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?”
She says, “Why, officer?” “Well, your fronts is hanging out.”
She looks down and says “OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!”
A young female teacher wearing
One late Saturday night a young guy
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off.
He asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.
‘I’d like to be twelve again’, she replied,
Still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,
The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald’s
Where he ordered her a Happy Meal
With extra fries and a chocolate shake..
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets……M&M’s..
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband
And collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile
And lovingly asked,
‘Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?’
Her eyes slowly opened
And her expression suddenly changed.
‘I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!’
A little girl was sitting and watching her mother
An elderly couple had dinner at another
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”
A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.’”
The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
A group of soldiers stood in formation
John and Bob were discussing
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer.
“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows.
When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor, and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”
He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leans toward the pastor and hisses, “I thought we had a deal.”
The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispers, “She made me a better offer.”
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table
A married man was having an affair
John Sam and Abe, three retired friends,would get together every night, rain or shine, to play poker.
It was a nice way to pass the time and the men enjoyed it immensely.
John’s wife wasn’t so fond of her husband’s poker playing.
She thought it was a dirty and low way to fill his time, but she had long ago resigned herself to her sorry fate, although inside of her, there was always a low flame on the back burner waiting to erupt.
One Wednesday night, after a few nights of boring games, something exciting happened.
Sam watched in amusement as John and Abe, each convinced that they had the better hand, slowly put their life savings into the pot.
Things started to get really intense when John, running out of available cash, added his car and house into the pot.
When there was no money left to bet on they each showed their cards.
As soon as John saw Abe’s cards and realized he had lost, he had a heart attack and died.
“Sam,” asked Abe “how are we going to tell his wife?”
“Don’t worry I’ll take care of it” Abe replied.
Abe knocked on John’s door.
“John just lost all of your life savings in a poker game,” said Sam when the door was opened.
“He’s afraid to come home.”
John’s wife was fuming “HE DID WHAT?!” She screamed.
“TELL HIM I DON’T WANT TO EVER SEE HIS FACE AGAIN! TELL HIM TO JUST DROP DEAD!” “OK,” said Sam nodding his head, “I’ll tell him just that!”
A cop pulls her over and says
Brian was pulled over for speeding
The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”
He walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask,
“So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”
A cowboy
A six-foot beetle standing
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit.
Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst.
So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars as bribe.
The partner was horrified.
“The judge is an honorable man,” the partner exclaimed.
“If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!”
Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer’s client.
The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him.
“Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars to the judge?”,
The partner asked. “But I did send them,…”
Replied the lawyer and continued,…
“I just enclosed the complainant’s lawyer’s business card.!”
A teacher told her young class
A guy dials his home and a strange woman
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, Sir I must have misunderstood you what did you say?”
“Listen up, damn it I said I want to open a damn checking account now!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.”
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that sort of language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no damn problem,” the man says,
“I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!”
“I see,” says the manager, “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”
A cop notices how fast he is going
A Amish Lady Driving Her Horse-Drawn Buggy
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real bast…, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, make love orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an “AH” in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to.
The ‘violator’ for his signature.
The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re!”
Two months later they’re in court.
The ‘violator’ has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; “Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?”
Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.”
Lawyer: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don’t normally make?”
“Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,” underlined..”
“What does the “AH” stand for, officer?”
“Aggressive and hostile, Sir.”
“Aggressive and hostile?”
“Yes, Sir.
“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand?”
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
Paddy’s friend is hit by a car
Test their skills in recognizing