A guy was in an elevator one day and noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.
He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “
3rd floor” she replied, “I come here once a month to donate blood and they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen and they pay me $200”.
Just then the elevator door opened and the woman stepped out.
The next month the guy was in the same elevator and noticed the same woman running to make it in.
He held the door and as she stepped in he said “I remember you, 3rd floor right?”
With her mouth completely full she looked at him and said “mph, mph, fif floor.”
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt
John goes to a doctor
A man offers a girl in his office $1,000 to sleep with him.
“I’ll put the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be done by the time you pick it up,” he explains.
The girl consults her boyfriend who advises her to go ahead but to pick up the money really fast.
Having not heard anything for an hour, the boyfriend calls her back.
“I can hardly walk, let alone make a phone call,” the girl says.
“What happened?” her boyfriend asks anxiously.
“He used $1 bills.”
He asked his boss for two more weeks
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes
Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
“Isn’t it wonderful?” one gay says to the other.
“All these unhappy babies.. and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the Superiority of gay love!”
The nurse says,
“Oh sure, he’s happy now but just watch what happens,…
When we pull the thermometer out of his ass
An american was touring Mexico
Romantic Love Night After 50 Years
The pilot announced, “Uh, Folks, we just experienced some turbulence, which caused some engine troubles on our left wing.
Luckily, this jet is equipped with 4 engines, and we still have 3 functional engines!
Because of the engine issues we will be arriving at our destination 30 minutes later than scheduled.”
The passengers all groaned and went back to sleeping, reading, and watching their movies.
Not long afterwards, they felt more turbulence, and again heard the pilot say,
“OK so we just lost our second engine, but not to worry, we are still running well on two engines.
We will arrive at our destination 1 hour later than scheduled.”
The passengers exchanged worried looks and started talking among themselves.
Again, they felt the jet dip and rumble, and again, they heard the pilot say,
“We lost our third engine, and we will arrive 2 hours later than scheduled at our destination.
My apologies for the inconveniences this delay is causing all of you.”
This time, a frustrated looking passenger wearing a business suit stood up and yelled,
“At this rate, if we lose another engine, it’ll take all day to get there!”
Three women die together
The detective walks around the scene
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all.
He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,’Leave me alone, I’m married!’”
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting
His boss asked what happened
A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man,
“Do you smoke or drink?”
“No,” he replied.
“I’ve never done either.”
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women? ” inquired the doctor.
“No, I’ve never done any of those things either.”
“Well then,” said the doctor,
“what do you want to live to be a hundred for?
A pastor
The expensive printer photocopier
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.
When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
To that she replies “Well, come here and I’ll warm them between my legs.”
He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are really freezing!”
She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
A female teacher was having a problem
A 71 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar, suddenly a gorgeous 19 year old girl enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her after a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:
“I’ll do anything you’d like, anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game I want 100 dollars, and there’s another condition”.
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
She replies, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 ten-dollar bills in her outstretched hand.
He then looks her square in the eye, and says slowly and clearly: “Paint my house.”
A Man Lost At Sea Is Found On An Island
A horse and a goat
An insurance company asked for more information regarding a work-related accident claim.
This was the response: “I put ‘poor planning’ as the cause of my accident I’am an amateur radio operator and was working on the top section of my new 80 foot tower.”
When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware.
Rather than carry the materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items using a pulley securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools into a small barrel.
Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools you will note in block number 11 of the accident report that I weigh 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being lifted off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower in the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down this explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Sally was driving home
A Swedish truck
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How should I know?” the man answers, “I’m not a lawyer!”
A man walks into the psychiatrist
A woman went to her dentist
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem you see, only you’ve got to promise not to laugh”.
The doctor replies, “Of course I won’t laugh!
That would be thoroughly unprofessional.
In over twenty years of being a doctor I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“OK then,” says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest weenie he has ever seen in his life.
Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably.
Several minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” he says to the patient.
“I don’t know what came over me, I won’t let it happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?
The man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says, “It’s swollen.”
A man goes into a restaurant
A boy starts his first day at Walmart
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said,
“Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.”
The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.
The policeman said, “Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!”
The boy answered, “I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema.”
Two factory workers are talking
A man found a genie in a magic lamp
A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink.
He stayed like that for half an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started weeping bitterly.
The truck driver said, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just that this day is the worst of my life…
“First, I fall asleep, and I get to my office late. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, and head towards my car, I find out it was stolen.”
The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A science teacher asked her students
Two women go out one Saturday night
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth!”
The man said, “No problem.” With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth
“Try these,” he said.
The speaker tried them “Thanks, but they’re too loose,” he said.
The man then said, “I have another pair…try these.”
The speaker tried them and responded, “Too tight.”
The man was not taken back at all
He then said, “I have one more pair of false teeth…try them.”
The speaker said, “They fit perfectly!” With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
“I want to thank you for coming to my aid
Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”
The man replied, “I’m not a dentist
I work at the morgue..”
Serious hearing problems
The girlfriend tells her boyfriend
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go to a construction site and apply.
The foreman is an older English fellow who doesn’t care for Irishmen, thinks they’re drunks and dumb and unreliable.
But he knows he can’t just come out and say that.
So, the foreman says, “Now, see here chap!
This operation is not in the habit of hiring just any old sod who applies, you have to show me you have some builder experience and knowledge.
I’ll hire you if you can answer some questions.”
The Irishman says, “Deadly! I been a builder for donkey’s years, Holy joe.
let’s have it, then, i’ll show you i’m not a dosser!”
The foreman thinks to himself, “Righto, this geezer’s a lota wind. let’s send him packing”.
So he asks:
“Alright, what’s the difference between a Girder and a Joist?”
The irishman thinks for a few seconds and grumbles a bit.
He pauses long enough for the Englishman to get a bit of a smirk on his face (as English are wont to do).
Finally, he takes a breath, taste it in his gut, and stands a little straighter to answer:
“One wrote Faust, the other wrote Finnegan’s Wake
A man came home from work
My general was making so damn angry
Ole and Lena are having make love in their bedroom.
Ole says, “Lena, did you know that there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?
Lena says, “No, I didn’t.”
Ole says, “And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?”
Lena says, “No, I didn’t. Gee, you’re smart.”
Ole says, “And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?”
“No,” says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their intimacy.
“How did you get so smart?”
Ole says, “Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?”
“Yes, I remember,” says Lena.
“Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your bum.”
A man lies on his deathbed
A young couple met with their pastor
A man goes into a coffee shop and says, “I would like one of your special breakfasts.”
“No problem,” comes the reply from behind the counter.
“But I want it my way,” says the man.
“What do you mean ‘your way’?” asks the waiter.
The man says, “Well, I want the eggs only half done,” he says.
“I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease pours out of it.”
“I don’t have the time to do all that!” replies the waiter.
“Well it seemed you had the time yesterday!” answers the guest.
A man walks into a bar already drunk
The math teacher was giving a lesson
Three fathers we sitting in a bar bragging to each other about how successful each of their sons was.
The first father declared, “my son is a successful doctor. In fact, he just bought his best friend a brand new car.”
“That’s all fine and good.” Said the second father.
“But my son is a successful lawyer. He just bought his best friend a brand new yacht!”
“Ha!” Laughed the third father.
“My son in an incredibly successful CEO of a large company. He just bought his friend his own private jet!”
Just then, a fourth father walked in and sat down with them.
“What does your son do?” asked the first father.
“My son is a gay stripper.” The fourth father replied.
The other fathers looked at each other.
“You must be disappointed in how his life turned out then.”
“Nah.” said the fourth father.
“In fact, he has three boyfriends and they all just bought him a car, a yacht, and a private jet.”
A young man was watching the news
The English teacher called Peter
Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, “Mommy, guess what?
Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door.
They got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and.”
The mother held up her hand and said, “Not another word!
Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you’ve just told me.”
The father comes home and the wife tells him that she’s leaving him.
“But why?” croaks the husband.
“Go ahead, Johnny, tell Daddy just what you told me.”
“Well,” said little Johnny, “I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door.
They got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob.”
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip
A woman got on a bus holding a baby
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”
‘Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Lisa O’Shanter?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Cathy O’Dell?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Fiona Mallory?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Brenda O’Malley, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration
“You’re very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you have to atone. You can no longer be an altar boy until 4 months have passed. Now you go and behave yourself.”
“Yes, Father.”
Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
Tommy grins, “Four months vacation and five good leads!”
The Pastor & Poor Family
Two beggars live in a forest
A young couple move into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging up the washing outside.
Wife: “That laundry isn’t very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly
Perhaps she needs better laundry detergent.”
Her husband looks on, remaining silent.
Every time her neighbor hangs out her washing to dry, the young woman makes the same comments.
A month later, the woman is surprised to see a nice clean load of washing on the line and says to her husband:
Wife: “Look, she’s finally learned how to wash her clothes correctly
I wonder who taught her this?”
The husband replies, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
Moral of the story:
Some people nowadays, what they see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which they look, not on what’s really behind/inside of it…
While rummaging through the boat
A doctor entered the hospital
A woman meets with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend.
They make love for hours.
Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone suddenly rings.
Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver.
The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called…”
“Really? That’s wonderful…”
“Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time…”
“Oh, that sounds terrific… Love you too.”
“OK. Bye-bye.”
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks: “Who was THAT?”
“Oh,” she replies, “That was just my husband telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
A guy dials his home phone from work
A dentist was getting ready to clean
So I wake up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in her mouth.
The rabbit’s not bloody, just dirty.
I know my neighbors raise and care for rabbits so immediately picked the rabbit up and brought it to my sink quickly before my neighbors came home and cleaned it off.
It was stiff and not moving but I know some animals play dead when they are scared I just did not know which ones.
I put the clean rabbit back in my neighbors rabbit cage with the rest of them and went back inside my house.
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and asked them what’s wrong?
They tell me their rabbit died 3 days ago and they buried it but now it’s back in there cage
Blowing Bubbles
This woman’s husband had been slipping
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.
The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks,
“What are you staring at?”
“A spider,” he replies.
“I don’t see anything,” she says.
“Oh, it must have fallen on your head,” he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming…
The man says, “While you’re up, can you get me another beer?”
A old man is 85 and take his wife
A angry wife was complaining about her husband
Steve got a job as a lumberjack…
and on his first day his boss gave him a chainsaw. “here you go. now get to it.”
Steve took the chainsaw, and at the end of the day his boss comes over.
“How many did you get?”, he asks.
“One”, Steve answers.
“wait, how is that possible?
I need you to cut down at least 10 tomorrow.”
And after the second day his boss comes over and asks:”how many?”
Steve says:”two”
“Hmm, maybe there’s something wrong with your chainsaw.
let me take a look at it.” he then proceeds to turn it on.
Steve says:”What’s that sound?
The teacher was teaching the kids
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St.Peter is leafing through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was the time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a group of biker guys gathered around this poor girl.
I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there were about 20 of ’em tormenting this girl.”
“Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle around me so, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!
Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!
St.Peter, impressed, says, “Really? When did this happen?”
“Oh, about two minutes ago.”
They were reaching a stalemate
The General went out to find
Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day.
They come to a difficult par with a water trap just after the tee.
The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right into the water.
To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body of water and extends his golf club.
The water parts, he takes his next shot and it lands on the green.
The second golfer hits his ball towards the water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of the water.
The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.
The third golfer hits his the ball directly into the water, where it quickly starts to sink.
As the ball sinks, a fish grabs the ball in its mouth.
At that very moment, a hawk plucks the fish out of the water and begins to carry it aloft.
As the bird soars higher, a bolt of lightning startles the bird, which then drops the fish into a nearby tree.
When the fish hits a branch of the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the tree, across the green and right into the hole…
Moses turns to Jesus and says “You know, I hate golfing with your Father.”
A blonde and a Lawyer on an airplane
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again:
The boy asked, “What is this Father?”
The father never having seen an elevator responded!
“Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don”t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…
“Go get your Mother!”
A elderly man went to a doctor
A man was dragged to the cinema by his wife
Three drunkards were walking down the street when they came upon a pile of manure where they stopped.
The first drunkard, upon observation of the manure said to the other two, “Looks like it…”
The second, bending over it and sniffing, said to the other two, “smells like it…”
The third, sticking his finger in it, said, “feels like it.”
“Good thing we didn’t step in it”, they all agreed as they turned and walked away.
A blonde struggling with her weight
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Gui try
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question…. which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?”
Sigmund Freud
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Sam Kinison
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran
“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.”
Patrick Murray
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
A man comes home with his little daughter
Once upon a time a married couple