Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, “My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
Two men went bear hunting
Two kids are arguing
A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors.
At the first house, the owner said, “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
“$50” she replies.
The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house.
The man’s wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house.
“She should. She was standing on it”
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’ve finished already?” the man asked.
“Yeah, and I had paint left over so I painted two coats.”
Impressed the man reaches for the money.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a porch. It’s a Lexus.”
A man walked into the bar
A wife went to the police station
One day a man goes to the beach to get a tan, he is wearing no clothes except for a newspaper to cover his privates.
A little girl walk up to him and asks ”What is under the newspaper?”
The man replies ”Oh, that’s my birdy, don’t touch it.”
Soon after, he falls asleep.
When he woke up he realized he was in a hospital and he felt a tense pain in his private area.
He sees the little girl sitting beside his bed.
”What happened?” the man asks ”Oh, uh yeah when you fell asleep I went and played with your birdy but then it spat on me sooo.
I broke it’s neck, smashed it’s eggs and burned it’s nest.
There are three friends
Anna and blonde are walking home
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy.
The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
“Ever have an accident?”
“Nope, nary a one.”
“None? You’ve never had any accidents.”
“Nope. Ain’t had one. Never.”
“Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”
“Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”
Three women friends met for drinks after work
The nights are already cold so sharing the tent
I was playing a big game of hide and seek when I went camping with a big group.
We were devided in teams of two and we had to stay hidden in a big forrest for as long as possible.
I was put in a team with my little brother.
After searching for a good spot we eventually settled in a watchtower.
We agreed that one person stood watch and the other could rest.
My brother began on watch and I told him that we couldn’t talk because else someone may hear us.
So I said that he had to move his head up and down to give me a gesture that it was save to go to the toilet.
He asked me “really, isn’t that a bit overkill?” So I told him “yeah, I shit you nod
Ted was a young boy
A prist is drowing
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night,” the man comments.
Billy in obvious pain replies,
“Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples over for our anniversary bash and got a bit wild.
Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”
The guy thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”
Billy continues between hung over gasps,
“Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The guy laughs and says, “Damn,… I’m sorry I missed that.”
Billy responds,
“But your name was guessed six to seven times.”
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A married Irishman went into the confessional
Morris had died.
His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris’ Last Will and Testament.
“To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar.
To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill.”
Young lady drove a little yellow sports car
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year grandson.
The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.
The family ate together at the table.
But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult.
Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
“We must do something about Grandfather,” said the son.
“I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor”.
So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed their dinners together.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.
When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence.
One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?”
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when you get old.”
The four year old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents that they were speechless.
Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.
Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done that evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table.
For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family and for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
Children are remarkably perceptive their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb.
If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives.
The wise parent realizes that every day that building blocks are being laid for the child’s future.
The Magical Lamp
A Woman Writes In To A Men’s Helpline
An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
“If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?”
“I’d have to say the living one.”
Quasimodo goes to a doctor
This guy walks into a bar
Only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man, “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners, straight from California.”
“Go away!” said the old lady, “I haven’t got any money to spend on things like that!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty!”
He said at least wait until you’ve seen my demonstration.
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder, cross my heart.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Wait here while I go get a spoon.
I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
A police officer stopped a motorist
Atheist Is Attacked By A Bear
It was a bitter divorce, after four years of marriage and two children it was over.
Sam showed up in court together with his ex to see what the verdict would be.
Finally after a long court case the verdict was decided.
OK, said the judge, turning to Sam, I am rewarding your ex-wife Ann $470 dollars a month.
That’s really kind of you, and I really appreciate it said Sam I’ll try to send her a little bit from time to time myself.
Anne went away to college
Mom Dad Sit Down
An old man lived in the village.
He was one of the most unfortunate people in the world.
The whole village was tired of him; he was always gloomy, he constantly complained and was always in a bad mood.
The longer he lived, the more bile he was becoming and the more poisonous were his words.
People avoided him, because his misfortune became contagious.
It was even unnatural and insulting to be happy next to him.
He created the feeling of unhappiness in others.
But one day, when he turned eighty years old, an incredible thing happened.
Instantly everyone started hearing the rumour: “An Old Man is happy today, he doesn’t complain about anything, smiles, and even his face is freshened up.”
The whole village gathered together.
The old man was asked: Villager what happened to you?
“Nothing special eighty years I’ve been chasing happiness, and it was useless and then I decided to live without happiness and just enjoy life that’s why I’m happy now.”
A funeral service is held for a woman
Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya
An old couple, Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach however, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later the old man Abe turns to his wife and asks,
“Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
“Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”
“OK, no! I’m sorry I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing, Esther did you remember to send a check for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, Abe,” begged Esther.
“I didn’t send that one, either.”
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, “So, why did you kiss me?”
Abe answers, “They’ll find us.”
Ray came home one night
A man went to his father
A beggar was given a piece of bread, but nothing to put on it.
Hoping to get something to go with his bread, he went to a nearby inn and asked for a handout.
The innkeeper turned him away with nothing, but the beggar sneaked into the kitchen where he saw a large pot of soup cooking over the fire.
He held his piece of bread over the steaming pot, hoping to thus capture a bit of flavor from the good-smelling vapor.
Suddenly the innkeeper seized him by the arm and accused him of stealing soup.
“I took no soup,” said the beggar.
“I was only smelling the vapor.”
“Then you must pay for the smell,” answered the innkeeper.
The poor beggar had no money, so the angry innkeeper dragged him before the qadi.
Now Nasreddin Hodja was at that time serving as qadi, and he heard the innkeeper’s complaint and the beggar’s explanation.
“So you demand payment for the smell of your soup?” summarized the Hodja after the hearing.
“Yes!” insisted the innkeeper.
“Then I myself will pay you,” said the Hodja, “and I will pay for the smell of your soup with the sound of money.”
Thus saying, the Hodja drew two coins from his pocket, rang them together loudly, put them back into his pocket, and sent the beggar and the innkeeper each on his own way.
A Priest & A Lawyer
The parts wanted to be Boss
An elderly man went to a doctor with multiple complaints.
“I see spots before my eyes,” he said.
“It’s due to old age,” said the doctor.
“No food agrees with me,” said the man.
“That too is due to old age,” said the doctor.
“The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.”
“My back is giving trouble,” persisted the man.
“Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.”
“Old age,” said the doctor.
This was too much for the man.
“Why do you go on saying ‘old age, old age’,” he screamed.
“If you cannot cure me, say so. I’ll go elsewhere.”
“See how easily you lost you temper,” said the doctor.
“That is another characteristic of old age.”
At last, old man slaps him, doctor asks,
“Why did you slap me?”
Old man said
“This is also due to old age, you see.”
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop
This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts.
Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he’ll carry her groceries out to which he responds, “Sure lady”.
They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers,
“You know, I have an Itchy private part”, to which he responds, “You’ll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike!!”
A farmer who had a herd of pigs
Three old men were talking
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later: “Da-ad…” “What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
“Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”
“Five minutes later…
“Daaaa-aaaad…”
“WHAT??!!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”
A man walks into a store
A man had been drinking at the bar
George has an operation on his neck, so he has to be force-fed through his ass.
At mealtime, the nurse rolls in a big feeding machine, attaches one end of a tube to the machine, and shoves the other end far up George’s ass.
After a few days of the force-feeding, George says,
“Hey, nurse, have you got another one of those machines here at the hospital?”
She says, “Yes, of course. Why?”
George says, “I want you to have dinner with me tomorrow.”
There was a World wide survey
A young doctor had moved out to a small community
Johnny went to confession, at the beginning of Lent….
“Bless me Father for I have sinned.
It has been 3 months since my last confession.
In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred times, and played with a girl’s private parts.”
“Played with a girl’s private parts!” exclaimed the priest.
“Whoa, that’s pretty serious.
For your penance say three rosaries and wash your hands in holy water.”
So Johnny knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious incantations of the three rosaries.
Then he made the trek up to the holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers.
When the girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and says, “Move over, pal. I gotta gargle….”
A man is talking to his best friend
I smelled something funny
Two men were golfing, and the fairway of the hole they were playing was adjacent to a road.
The first man was setting up for his swing, when a funeral procession went by on the road.
He stopped, faced the procession for a moment, then bowed his head in prayer as the hearse passed by.
Only when the procession had passed out of view did he resume playing, driving his ball to the green.
As they were walking toward the green, the second man said, “That was a touching show of respect for the the deceased back there. I had no idea you were so sentimental.”
The first man shrugged and said, “It’s the least I could do. I was married to her for thirty years.”
A old lady was walking her dog
The phone rang and a little boy answered
Santa was traveling in a train.
The ticket collector came and asked him to show his ticket.
Santa politely asked, “Which one should I show, the one in my right pocket or the one in my left pocket?”
The T.C was taken aback.
He then said, “Show me the ticket in your right pocket.”
Santa promptly showed the ticket It was perfectly in order.
The T.C then asked for the reason for buying two tickets.
Santa explained, “If someone picks one pocket then I have the other ticket left.”
The T.C asked again, “Suppose someone picks both your pockets, what happens?”
Santa said with a smile, “I have a concessional monthly pass also.”
A certain king of Spain
A fisherman is walking carrying lobsters
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000.
She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest bums.
Woman asked where’s your Ferrari?
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
Two friends went to interview for the same job.
They were both in the waiting area when the first friend got called for his interview.
The second friend gave him a thumbs-up as he headed into the interview room.
The interviewer reviewed the man’s resume and then asked him a few questions.
The interview was going well until the interviewer asked, “So if you are on a moving train and it was very hot, what would you do?”
The man thought about it for a second and responded, “Well, I would open the window.”
“Amazing!” exclaimed the interviewer and asked, “Let’s say the train is traveling at 100 miles per hour, and the window is 1.25 sq ft. How much air would enter your cabin in a minute?”
The man thought about the equation for a while, tried to answer it but failed. So he was rejected and returned to the waiting room and his friend in despair.
He quickly told his friend about the interviewer’s question so he wouldn’t suffer the same fate.
The second friend was called into the interview room.
The interviewer reviewed his resume and began with a few mundane questions before asking, “If you are a train and it was very hot, what would you do?”
“Uh, well,” the friend stumbled on the question, “I would take my jacket off, of course.”
The interviewer responded, “Well, what if it was still too hot?”
“I would take off my shirt!” exclaimed the friend.
The interview then asks again, “What if it is still too hot, even without a jacket and your shirt?”
The man then said, “I would take off all my clothes, but I would not open the window!”
One night a blonde nun was praying
Two blonde girls walk into a store
A man walked into an insurance office and asked two senior executives for a job.
“We’re not taking on new staff,” they said.
“But you can’t afford to be without me,” insisted the man.
“I can sell insurance to anybody, anywhere, anytime.”
“Okay,” they said.
“Prove it. There are two prospective clients who have resisted all our attempts to sell them a policy. If you can sell to just one of them, you’re hired.”
The guy was gone for around two hours, but when he returned he handed over two cheques one for a $75,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.
“How in the world did you manage that?” asked the executives.
“I told you: I’m the world’s best insurance salesman.”
“There’s just one thing,” they said. “Did you get a urine sample?”
A woman goes into a toy shop
A woman was out driving
I have become a victim of a clever scam when using the casino’s car parking facility
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to car as about to get in after leaving the casino.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their melons almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say
“No” and instead ask you for a ride to another car parking facility in the city.
You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start make love with each other.
Then, one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs make love on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday… Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.
Doctor I’m having difficulty falling pregnant
Cop knocks on the window
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep.
Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.”
The shepherd thinks it over It’s a big flock, so he takes the bet.
“973,” says the man.
The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says “OK, I’m a man of my word, take an animal.”
The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
“Wait,” cries the shepherd, “let me have a chance to get even double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.”
The man agrees.
“You are an accountant for the government,” says the shepherd.
“Amazing!” responds the man.
“You are exactly right! But tell me: how did you deduce that?”
“Well,” says the shepherd, “put down my dog and I will tell you.”
Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya
A married couple is driving along
Dan married one of a pair of identical twins.
Less then a year later he was in court filing for divorce.
“Tell the court why you want a divorce,” the judge said.
“Well, Your Honor,” Dan started, “every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical twins, sometimes I’d end up love to her by mistake.”
“Surely there must be some difference between the two women,” the judge said.
“Exactly, Your Honor. That’s why I want the divorce.”
A husband woke up his wife and asked her
A police car pulled up in front of grandma
A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit.
When the other frogs saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead.
The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all their might.
The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead.
Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up
He fell down and died.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could.
Once again,the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die.
He jumped even harder and finally made it out.
When he got out, the other frogs said, “Did you not hear us?”
The frog explained to them that he was deaf.
He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
Two bachelors are talking
The snow in a one-horse open sleigh
Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go.
The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car.
He says, “Alright guys we’re here!”
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn’t moved an inch, he asks the drunk, “What was that for?”
The drunk says, “Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!”
A tornado hit a farmhouse
Three elderly gentlemen were talking
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake.
The owner of the farm shouted:
“Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 10 million dollars.”
The silence was deafening.
Suddenly, a man jumped into the water.
He was chased by crocodiles, but with great luck he was unharmed.
The owner announced: “We have a winner!”
After receiving their reward, the man and his wife returned to the hotel room.
The man tells his wife:
“I did not jump in myself, Someone pushed me!”
His wife smiled and said coldly: “It was me!”
Moral of the story: Behind every successful man, there is always a woman to give him a little push!
Paddy and Murphy are working
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday