A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.
He looks up from the page and says to her, “Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves peak?”
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, “Oh yeah? Why don’t you prove it.”
He frowns for a moment, then says, “Okay.”
He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, “Well I’m sure the cow and sheep didn’t, but the way that pig’s always squealing, how can you tell?”
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter
This married couple was sitting
A woman walks into a convenience store.
She walks straight to the manager and asks, “Do you have any small notebooks?”
“Sorry,” says the manager. “We’re all out.”
The woman shrugs, and asks, “Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?”
“Nope, don’t have that either,” says the manager.
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, “Do you have Doritos? Nachos?”
The manager shrugs, “Sorry.”
“Hmmph. How about Chap stick?” says the woman.
“Nope. Don’t have that.”
“My God!” the woman shouts, “If you don’t have anything, you should close the damn store!”
The manager shrugs, “Don’t have the key.”
The man approached the very beautiful woman
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party
A small boy named Dave lived in the local village.
None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him.
“Dave… you are driving me crazy!”
One day Dave’s mother came into school to check on how he was doing.
The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career!
The mother was shocked at this feedback and withdrew her son from the school and even moved to another town!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an acute cardio disease!
All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, of which only one surgeon could perform.
Left with no other options, the teacher finally decided to have the operation, which was successful.
When she eventually opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a tall handsome Doctor smiling down at her!
She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.
Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The Doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Dave, working as a cleaner in the Hospital Ward, who had unplugged
the oxygen equipment to connect his Vacuum!
Don’t tell me you thought that Dave became a doctor! Sometimes I worry about you.
A large cage containing a male rat
A supervisor asks johnny during bible class
An elderly gentleman had been experiencing serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said,
“Oh, I haven’t told my family yet
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I’ve changed my will five times!”
A priest was being honoured
I forgot my teeth
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I didn’t have any clothes with me.”
I asked again: “Matty, are you sure you did not have an accident?”
“No,” he replied. I just knew that he must have because the smell was getting worse.
Sooooo… I asked one more time: “Matty, did you have an accident?”
Stopped by an old gentleman Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!”
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.
Johnny went to confession
A doctor drives by a small town
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced “Please prepare for a crash landing.”
The first lady put on all her jewelry.
Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions.
The first lady replied, well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first.
The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and corset.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well when they come to rescue us they will see my great melons
and will take me first.
The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her pants and underwear.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well they always search for the black box first.
A firefighter is working on the engine
A accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge.
He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent.
Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,
“Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world. Port, on the other hand, makes me fart.”
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks
A drunk comes stumbling into a bar
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!”
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage.
The police officer asked, “That old lady says that you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Why not?
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!”
A sweet old lady telephoned
A man was walking down the street
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub.
Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, “I’ll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have make love with her and her response was, ‘I don’t know how you can make love to me with your type of body.’ So I asked her, ‘How about a little head?’”
She is going to paint a couple of rooms
A explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb
The Argentinean golfer Robert de Vincenzo went to the parking lot to get his car after having won an important tournament.
At that moment, a woman approached him
After congratulating him for his victory, she told him her son was at the edge of death and that she had no money to pay the hospital bills.
De Vincenzo immediately gave her part of the money he had won that afternoon.
A week later, at a lunch at the Professional Golf Association, he told this story to a couple of friends
One of them asked him if the woman was blond with a small scar under her left eye.
De Vincenzo agreed
“You were cheated,” his friend said.
“This woman is a swindler and is always telling the same story to all foreign golfers that show up here.”
“So there is no child at the edge of death?”
“No.”
“Well, this was the best news I got this week!” said the golf player.
A old hillbilly farmer
A Old Man Goes To The Doctor
A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other.
The groom’s best friend takes him aside and asks what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies the man, “when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” says his friend.
“I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years.”
“That’s not the problem, ” the groom says.
“She gave me $20 change!”
A Little Boy Goes To His Father And Asks
Larry attended a horse auction with his father
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any lovemaking in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a make love therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known make love therapist.
So she went to see him and upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said,
‘OK, take off all you crose.’
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
‘Ok now, crawl reery fass to the other side of the room.’
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
‘OK’ now crawl reery fass to me,’
So she did.
Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said,
‘Your problem very bad, you had Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I
ever see, that why you not had make love or dates.’
Confused the woman asked,
‘What is Ed Zachary Disease?’
Two drunks are walking along
Two guys are sitting at a bar
A woman had twin boys
Unfortunately, she was unable to keep them, so she put them up for adoption.
She was able to find loving homes for both of them overseas, but it was many years since she had seen them.
Then, just before their 21st birthday she got two letters, one from Egypt, the other from Spain.
Each son had tracked down their biological mother and wanted to visit her.
She was overjoyed; she would finally see her identical twin sons! Jamal from Egypt, and Juan from Spain!
Just before they were to come to visit, though, the woman got another letter from Egypt.
Unfortunately due to unseen circumstances, her son from Egypt was unable to visit that year.
She still got to see her son from Spain, though.
So her husband tried to console her, saying “Once you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Jamal.”
A woman goes into a store
So my mom decided to sell her house
Three men pass away on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter greets them and says, “You’re all sinners who should be sent to hell, but since it’s Christmas, I’ll give you a chance to enter heaven if you have something that represents the holiday.”
The first man pulls out a Christmas ornament and is allowed in.
The second man points to some pine needles stuck to his shirt and is also admitted.
The third man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of panties.
Peter, puzzled, asks, “How do those represent Christmas?”
The man grins and replies, “These are Carol’s.”
A watermelon farmer was determined
A special Christmas gift
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” you get an self enjoyment.
You should of seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.
I’m still looking for a place to live.
A mother and father took their son
A boy comes back from school
Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party with their girlfriends.
The party invitation says to come dressed as an emotion.
After a day of deliberating, they all agree to meet at Sven’s place before going to the party.
Just before Sven is about to put his costume on, there’s a knock on the door.
Outside is his girlfriend, Hilda, who’s dressed head to toe in bright green scales and a flowing emerald dress.
“Oh gosh, Hilda. You sure look good!” Says Sven. “What’s your costume supposed to be?”
Hilda gives her dress a twirl and declares, “Oh I am the emotion of envy!”
Before Sven can reply, Ole’s gal Lena rounds the corner in a long red dress, her hair dyed the color of flames.
Sven lets out a whistle and says, “Oh gosh, Lena! That’s quite da costume! What are you supposed to be?”
Lena curtsies with a giggle and says, “Why, I am the flame of burning love.”
Before either of them can compliment her, Ole rounds the corner, stark n*ked except for an old rubber tire held around his middle.
“Good lord!” Sven says, “Ole! What on earth are you supposed to be?”
Ole grins back at him and says, “Oh, me?” He says, “I am de spare!”
Four freshman partied too hard
The Grandmother of a just got married grandson
One day, a man decides he wants to host a costume party.
He decides that he wants an emotion-themed party so he sends out all his invitations, telling his guests to dress as their favorite emotions.
On the night of the party, his doorbell rings, and he opens the door to find his friend dressed in red.
“I’m here for the party” says his friend. “I’m red, because I’m angry”.
The host welcomes his friend, and goes back to his party.
A little while later, the doorbell rings again.
The man opens the door, and is greeted by a man in a green morph suit.
“I’m here for the party” says the guest, “and I’m green with envy”.
The man welcomes this person in as well.
A short time later, the doorbell rings again.
At the door are two undressed men.
One has his weapon in a hollowed-out pear, and the other has his tool in a bowl of custard.
The man is dumbfounded.
“This is an emotion costume party, I am afraid that I can’t let you in dressed like that”.
The man with a pear on his weapon says in a deep-south accent; “we are dressed as emotions. Can we come in?”
“OK, you can come in if you can tell me how you are possibly dressed as emotions”, says the man.
“Well, you see, I am deep in dis’ pear, and my friend here… Well… He is bang’ dis’ custard”.
Two brothers enlisting in the Army
After a long night of making love
An 80-year-old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and says, “I want to get a tattoo”.
The artist hesitantly replies “Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?”
Old lady: “actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right thigh.”
Artist: “you know how much this will hurt? Are you really sure you want them there?”
Old lady barks at him: “of course I know that’s where I want them! I don’t care how much it will hurt!”
Artist: “okay, whatever you want then. Let’s take a look at art the art book to see if there is something you want.”
Old lady: “I already know what I want. I want a Christmas tree on my left thigh, and a turkey on my right thigh”
Artist: “uhhhh ok, I will do that, but could you answer me as to why you would want such a thing?”
Old lady: “because in sick of my husband complaining there is nothing to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving!
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday
A man was in hurry to catch a train
Two guys are sitting at a bar.
“You know why I love this bar?” asks the first one.
“No,” says the second guy.
“Why do you love this bar?”
The first guy points at the window, which is six stories above the ground.
“It has a magic window,” he says.
“You jump out of that window, and you can fly.”
The second guy just shakes his head. “Shut up.”
“No,” says the first guy.
“It really is a magic window. I’ll prove it to you.”
So the first guy gets down from his bar stool, runs at the window, jumps out of it, and flies.
He flies around the building twice, up and down, and finally comes back in.
He walks to his bar stool, and takes a sip of his drink. “See?” he says.
The first guy looks confused.
He looks at his drink. “I must be drunk,” he says.
“Still don’t believe me?” asks the second guy.
“I’ll show you again.”
He gets down from his stool, runs and jumps out of the window again.
This time he performs some impressive aerial acrobatics, spins, flips, dives.
When he finally comes back in, the second guy is staring at him, slack-jawed.
“Wow,” says the second guy. “A magic window.”
He gets off his bar stool, takes a running jump out of the window, and promptly plummets to his death.
The first guy starts laughing.
The bartender comes over to the first guy with a stern look on his face.
“Superman, you’re a real bastard when you’re drunk.”
A woman was very distraught
The ticket girl said
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
During the walk the boy sees two men dressed as cowboys saunter by.
‘Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!’ He says
The father is surprised and tells his son to watch his mouth
A few minutes later, two more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, ‘Dad, look it two more of those bow legged bastards!’
The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, ‘I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else.’
Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys, walk by and once again the child yells,
‘Dad, look it’s another couple of bow-legged bastards!’
‘That’s it!’ the father yells, he picks the kid up and takes him home and locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare.
Every day he comes to give the boy food and see if he has made any improvement.
Till one day when he knocks the boy responds
‘foresooth father, tis a fine day, might we go for a stroll in yonder park.’
Amazed that it worked and feeling like he is certainly father of the year for pulling this off he let’s the boy out and they go to the park.
They are walking along and the boy is speaking in brilliant prose about the trees, the birds, the blue sky, and the placid lake.
Just then another two of these fellows dressed like cowboys come walking by.
The boy turns to his father and says,
‘Father, what strange men are these their balls hang in parentheses?’
Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America
Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors
An old lady goes to her bank and presents a cheque for Rs 1000/- to the cashier, a young girl.
Cashier: lady, you should withdraw such small amounts from the ATM outside. Don’t waste a cheque leaf and my time.
Old lady: What’s the problem with giving me Rs 1000/- cash?
Cashier: Sorry lady, can’t be done. You either go to the ATM, or increase the amount to be withdrawn.
Old lady: Okay, I want to withdraw all money in my account, keeping a minimum mandatory balance.
The cashier checks her account balance and finds it to be over Rs 80 lakhs!
She says, “we don’t have that much cash in the safe right now. But if you give me a cheque for Rs 80 lakhs, we can arrange the cash tomorrow.”
Old lady: How much can you give me right now?
Cashier: checks the bank’s cash balance lady, I can give you Rs 10 lakhs straight away.
The old lady tears off the earlier cheque of Rs 1000/-, writes a new one for Rs 10 lakhs and hands it to the cashier.
While the young girl is gone to the vault to get the cash, the old lady grabs a cash deposit slip from the public shelf and fills it up.
The young girl returns with the cash, meticulously counts out Rs 10 lakhs, gives it to the old lady and says,
“there you are, lady. Now you will have to carry this pile home on your own. But count your money before leaving the counter. I won’t entertain any complaint later.”
The old lady picks out two notes of Rs 500/- from the pile, puts them in her purse and says,
“I trust you, I don’t need to count. Now, here’s a cash deposit slip. Please deposit Rs 9,99,000/- into my account and give me the stamped and signed counterfoil. And yes, count the cash in my presence.”
Two elderly ladies had been friends
A grandma was cleaning her attic with her cat
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?”
Peter said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”
A doctor takes off his glasses
The preacher has just finished an inspiring
Mom, why am I named Rosemary?”
“Because on the day you were born the cook of the hospital accidentally spilled a little rosemary on your cheek while you were in the incubator .”
Satisfied the girl leaves the room and her brother walks in. “Mom, why is my name Leaf?”
“Because on the day you were born a visitor was carry a bouquet of flowers and one of the leaves fell of and landed on your forehead.”
The satisfied boy left the room and his sister came in the room.
“Mommy, why was I named Lily?”
“Because on the day you were born-“
“Waaaaaahhhhhhhhh!”
” KEEP QUIET REAL LIFE MINECRAFT GRAVEL I’M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER! “
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson
A Kurdish man goes to a store
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.
After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said,
“This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”
The old man grinned and said, “You got to keep the old motor running.”
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.
The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, “Sir, you are something! How do you manage it?”
The old man grinned and said, “You gotta keep the old motor running.”
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said,
“Well, you surely are something awesome! How do you do it?”
The old man replied, “It’s like I’ve told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.”
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
“Well, I guess it’s time to change the oil. This one is black!”
A Mafia Godfather finds out
There’s this dad who is trying to get his daughter
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.
The husband is behind the wheel his wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice.
“I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce.
The husband says nothing, he keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph.
The wife speaks again, I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it.
She says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are.”
Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph.
She pushes her luck.
“I want a house.” She says insistently up to 60 mph.
“I want the car, too.”
She continues 65mph and, she says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!”
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes her nervous, so she asks him, “Isn’t there anything you want?”
The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
“No, I’ve got everything I need, ” he says.
“Oh, really,” she inquires, “so what have you got?”
Just before they slam into the wall at 65mph, the husband turns to her and smiles.
A shepherd and a huge flock of sheep
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.
The police arrive and ask for a description.
She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.”
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.
She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”
Two Irish nuns have just arrived
A lady from the city and her traveling
There’s a guy with a 25-inch tool and is always wanting to get closer to the girls he is having lovemaking with.
One day he comes upon a witch and he tells her about his problem.
She tells him about a frog who can make his weapon smaller.
All he had to do is make the frog say no and his weapon would shrink 5-inches.
So, he goes to find the frog and ask the frog to marry him.
The frog says no and his tool get down to 20-inches.
He decides he wants to be closer so he ask the frog to marry him again, and again the frog said no and another 5-inches are gone.
He decides he wants to be even closer so he ask the frog one more time to marry him.
The frog said, “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, no, no, no.”
The bartender asked a guy
A father has three daughters
Moishe the Carpenter, returning home with his week’s wages, was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street.
“Take my money,” said Moishe, “but do me a favor: shoot a bullet through my hat otherwise my wife won’t believe I was robbed.”
The robber obliged he threw Moi-she’s hat into the air and put a bullet through it.
“Let’s make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers,” said Moishe, “otherwise my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of h*les through my coat.”
So the robber shot a number of h*les through the carpenter’s coat.
“And now?”
“Sorry,” interrupted the robber.
“No more h*les I’m out of bullets.”
“That’s all I wanted to know!” said Moishe.
“Now hand me back my money and some more for the hat and coat that you’ve ruined or I’ll beat you black and blue!”
The robber threw down the money and ran.
Once there was a business executive
A dead donkey in his front yard
A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn’t open until morning so they have to spend the night in a hotel.
It only has one room available.
The priest says:
“Sister, I don’t think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room.
I’ll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed.”
“I think that would be fine,” agrees the nun.
They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.
Ten minutes pass, and the nun says:
“Father, I’m very cold.”
“OK,” says the priest,
“I’ll get a blanket from the cupboard.”
Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again:
“Father, I’m still terribly cold.”
The priest says: “Don’t worry, I’ll get up and fetch you another blanket.”
Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly:
“Father I’m still very cold. I don’t think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night.”
“You’re right,” says the priest.
“Get your own blankets.”
The Scotsman’s first baseball game
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party.
Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer,
“What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills.
When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
Three doctors are discussing
The Human Resources Officer asks a engineer