An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet
‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days, then skip a day …… And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost 5 pounds.’
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
‘Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’
The Irishman nodded ‘I’ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.’
From the hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor.
‘No, from all the bloody skipping !!
The crate of chicken’s
A couple stays at the Watergate Hotel
An elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop and asks,
“How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About two hours.”
The elderly guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About two hours.”
The elderly guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and a half.”
The elderly guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.”
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”
Bill looked up and said, “To your house.”
The animals of the forest are having a meeting
A old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the Blonde CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
‘Listen,’ said the CEO, ‘this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?’
‘Certainly,’ said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
‘Excellent, excellent!’ said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. ‘I just need one copy.’
Two elderly excited women were sitting
He immediately turns to her
Anna and blonde are walking home from a night at the bar and have to pee, so they stop at a cemetery.
With nothing to wipe with Anna uses her underwear and the blonde uses a nearby wreath.
The next day anna’s boyfriend calls his friend, “They are never going out again! Anna came home without underwear!”
The other replies, “You think that’s bad?
My girlfriend came with a card in her crack that said,
‘From all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you.
One day a man goes to the beach
A little girl and a little boy
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope.”
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”
She calmly writes down his order
A climber fell off a cliff
A couple had been married for 40 years and he managed all of the money.
He told his wife that he did not ever want her to look inside the safe.
One day, when he was away her curiosity got the best of her and she looked into the safe and found $10,000 and three eggs.
When her husband returned home, she told him what she had done.
He said, “I told you never to look inside the safe!”
She answered, “Too bad, I did. But I don’t understand what the 3 eggs are doing in the safe.”
The husband said, “Well, to be perfectly honest, I put an egg in the safe every time I have an affair with another woman.”
The wife said, “I am not pleased about that but, then again, I suppose 3 times in 40 years is not all that bad.”
The man answered, “I should also tell you that when I get a dozen eggs, I sell them. That is where the money comes from.”
A Italian couple is their honeymoon
A Husband And Wife Went To Have Dinner
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down.
She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him, “My car broke down!
I don’t know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?”
“Well,” drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I don’t want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke.”
The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer.
“Okay,” she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.
So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?”
They say, “Huh?” She says, “The only thing is, I don’t want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.”
She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later the old Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
The old Jed says, “Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?”
“Yeah,” says the old Luke, “I remember.”
“Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?” asks Jed.
“Nope,” says Luke, “I reckon not.”
“Me neither,” says Jed.
“Let’s take these things off.”
Dr. Darns said George
Mrs Jones told her pastor
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter make love exhaustion?’
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’
A woman sat down on a park bench
A golfer was having a tough day
When the expensive printer photocopier in an office began print black lines on every page,
The office manager called a local repair shop,
where a friendly man informed him that the unit probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged $100 for such cleaning,
He said, the manager might try reading the manual and doing the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked,
“Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied.
“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”
A man asked his doctor
While teaching religion class
A 6th-grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars.
One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity.
Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand.
With complete sincerity in his voice, answered, “A lawyer!”
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself
A wife arriving home to find her husband in bed
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”
“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.
“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
The pretty teacher was concerned
A man and a woman were dating
As she was walking through a lovely park, she noticed a sad man sitting on a bench.
Next to him, there was a very tiny person playing a tiny piano. The woman got quite curious, and decided to approach and ask what was going on.
She said, “Hello, what a cute little musician you’ve got there. Where did you find him?”
The man replied, “I met a genie who told me that I could make a wish, any wish.”
“Really?!?” the woman asked.
“Where did you find him?”
“I came upon this lamp while I was vacationing in Egypt,” the man said, and pulled out a small lamp out of his backpack.
The woman was getting really excited.
“Wow! Can I try it?”
“Sure, but wait.”
The man didn’t have time to complete his sentence before the woman had grabbed the lamp and rubbed it vigorously.
A genie appeared and said in a booming voice, “You are hereby granted one wish Choose well!”
The man tried to interject, “Now wait just a-” but the woman instantly blurted out “I wish for a million bucks!”
Suddenly, one million ducks appeared around them. The noise from all the quacking around them was deafening.
The genie bowed and disappeared into the lamp.
The woman said, “Awh shoot I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks you know what, I think your genie’s hard of hearing.”
The man replied, “You’re telling me… Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”
The friendly usher
A Vicar goes to the dentist
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed.”
The second kid replies,”Yeah?
Well, that’s nothing.
“My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the night shift, he sleeps with the lady next door.”
Three boys are in the schoolyard
A guy is walking down the street
A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
“You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me.
But there’s always that doubt.”
His friend says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business.
Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
“While I’m away, could you do me a favor?
Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on?
I mean, I trust my wife but there’s always that doubt.”
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.
Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
“So did anything happen?”
“I have some bad news for you,” says the friend.
“The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house.
The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away.
Later, after dark, the car came back.
I saw your wife and a strange man get out.
They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window.
Your wife was kissing the man.
Then he took off his shirt.
Then she took off her top.
Then they turned off the light.”
“Then what happened?” says the man.
“I don’t know. It was too dark to see.”
“Damn, you see what I mean?
There’s always that doubt.
One day Emma came home and asked her mother
Johnny went to confession
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.
“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants.
I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.
They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.
I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’
Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”
Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.
Then, Jill took off her underclothes and gave them to Brian.
“Try these on,” she said.
Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.
“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your underclothes,” said Brian.
“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
Bob goes to see his friend Pete
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer
A man named Marty called his son.
“Harry I have news to tell you, I know it’s going to upset you but I have made up my mind and there is nothing you can do about it. I have decided to divorce your mother.”
“But dad how can that be the son asked you have been married for 40 years, and you always seemed to get along? What happened suddenly?”
“Son, I have made up my mind, and I don’t want you to try to convince me out of it.”
“OK” the son responded but promise me you won’t do anything until I come and talk to you in person, and I am going to ask all of the siblings to fly in also.
“Alright” said the father hanging up you have my word.
“Well” said Marty, turning to his wife “I got them all to come in and I didn’t even have to pay for the tickets.”
Dave took Mary out for dinner
Little Bob went with his mom to church
A woman goes to her doctor for her annual check up.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
‘How much do you weigh?’ she asks
‘Eight and a half stone,’ the woman says.
The nurse puts her on the scales and tells; her weight is actually ten stone
The nurse asks, ‘Your height?’ ‘5 foot 8 !!!’, she says.
The nurse checks and says that she only measures 5′ 2′.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman that it is very high.
‘Of course it’s HIGH !!!’ the woman screams, ‘When I came in here I was tall and slender…
Now I’m short and fat !!!’
A elderly Irish farmer
He awoke before the Pearly Gates
A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper.
He looked up and said, “Here is a great sale on tires!”
His wife replied, “What do you want tires for? You don’t have a car.”
He says, “Do I complain when you go out and buy a new corset?”
This elderly couple is watching television
A woman is bouncing on her bed
An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream.
She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her.
He asked what was wrong.
She said, “I had a dream that I died and you got remarried.”
She asked him, “If I died tomorrow would you get remarried?”
He said, “Sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely.”
Then she asked, “Well would you two live in this house?”
“Sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage.”
She asked again, angry now “well would she sleep in this bed?”
He snickered and said, “Yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there’s no reason to get rid of it.”
She asked irately, “Well would she use my golf clubs?”
He replied with a straight, serious face “No. She’s left handed.”
The mother asks little Johnny
A little boy asked his dad
A man eagerly waited at the train station to pick up his mother-in-law, who was visiting for the first time in a while.
After spotting her, he greeted her with a smile and helped load her heavy suitcases into the car.
As they drove in silence for a while, the man nervously asked,
“So, how long are you planning to stay with us?”
His mother-in-law, with a knowing smile, replied,
“I’m planning to stay as long as you want me to!”
The man thought for a moment, smiled back, and said,
“What, so short?”
A student came up to a pretty girl
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob
The junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains.
Neither one could account for his trouble.
Arriving home from work one night, he informed her.
“I finally discovered why I’ve been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I’ve been sitting in the wastebasket.”
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single
A elderly man who sold flowers in a small town
A 15-year-old Little Johnny comes home with a Porsche his parents began to yell and scream.
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” Demanded his parents.
“We know how much a Porsche costs!”
“Well,” said the Little Johnny, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder.
“Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother,
“She must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers.
He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.
“Well,” she said, this morning I got a phone call from my husband.
I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back.
He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.
Two ladies are walking their dogs
A Man Was At Home Watching TV
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner having a bite to eat.
After the meal they start to discuss their plans to expand the family moonshine business.
All of a sudden, the woman on the table next to theirs starts to cough.
It’s going on for a while, so Billy-Bob walks over and asks ‘kin ye swalla..?’
the woman shakes her head..
‘Kin ye breeve?’
as she turns a shade of blue, the woman shakes her head again
Without a seconds thought Billy-Bob lifts her dress, pulls her p**ties down and gives a long wet lick to her right b*m cheek.
So shocked by this the woman’s body shuddered with disgust and the blockage cleared with a jolt.
Billy-bob walks back to his table, Billy-Ray turns in amazement… ‘I done did hear about that Hind Lick Maneuver, but i didn’t see it be done before!’
A plane crashes
A woman was having a daytime affair
A couple were out doing some Christmas shopping together.
The shopping center was packed, and as the wife emerged from a shoe and handbag shop, she was surprised to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
Irritated because they had a lot to do, she called his mobile to ask him where he was.
In a subdued voice he replied,
“Do you remember that jewellery store we went into a couple of years ago, where you fell in love with that beautiful diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I promised that I would buy it for you one day?”
Barely able to contain her emotions and with tears already forming in her eyes, she said,
“Yes, of course I remember that shop.”
“Well, I’m in the pub next door to there.”
Two elderly people living in a Florida
A guy walks into a drug store
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.
The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong.
So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”
The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”
The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong.
Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”
“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”
“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”
A Irishman is in the bar
A woman went shopping
A Dog and a rooster, who were the best of friends, wished very much to see something of the world.
So they decided to leave the farmyard and to set out into the world along the road that led to the woods.
The two comrades traveled along in the very best of spirits and without meeting any adventure to speak of.
At nightfall the rooster, looking for a place to roost, as was his custom, spied nearby a hollow tree that he thought would do very nicely for a night’s lodging.
The Dog could creep inside and the rooster would fly up on one of the branches
So said, so done, and both slept very comfortably.
With the first glimmer of dawn the rooster awoke for the moment he forgot just where he was.
He thought he was still in the farmyard where it had been his duty to arouse the household at daybreak.
So standing on tip-toes he flapped his wings and crowed lustily but instead of awakening the farmer, he awakened a Fox not far off in the wood.
The Fox immediately had rosy visions of a very delicious breakfast.
Hurrying to the tree where the rooster was roosting, he said very politely:
“A hearty welcome to our woods, honored sir
I cannot tell you how glad I am to see you here.
I am quite sure we shall become the closest of friends.”
“I feel highly flattered, kind sir,” replied the rooster slyly.
“If you will please go around to the door of my house at the foot of the tree, my porter will let you in.”
The hungry but unsuspecting Fox, went around the tree as he was told, and in a twinkling the Dog had seized him.
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum
Once while a travelling Tenali Rama
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table…
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,”
she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together.
Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.
He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is.
He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital
A Mafia Godfather finds out
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies’ group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, “Oh dear, there’s no time to bake another cake.”
So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.
Before she left the house,
Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself.
The next day, Alice was invited to a friend’s home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.
After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, “What a beautiful cake!”
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess who was a prominent church member say,
“Thank you, I baked it myself.”
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie
A blonde was driving down
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received two tickets in the mail for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:
“Now you know!”
She comes home to find her husband in bed
A old man and his grand daughter were sitting
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.
After years of this, the wife wants him to quit.
She gets two shot glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey.
After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box.
She says, “I want you to see this.”
She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “What do you have to say about this experiment?”
He responds by saying, “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”
Their 50th wedding anniversary
The husband finds a box