“When getting into a fight in a pub, don’t concern yourself with ungentlemanly fisticuffs. First shout something innocuous at your opponent, to grab the pub’s attention. Then calmly walk to the door. There, turn around and in your loudest voice yell, “At least I’m not a pedophile.” The seed planted into everyone’s mind will do … Read more
I distinctly remember one time my parents talking to me down the phone and saying, if we throw cash away at you now, you’ll never know the value of money. But I still think it would’ve been nice for them to pay that ransom
“The veteran actor and director turned to me and said, “You know what they say, you should never work with Children or Animals.” “That’s an old theatre saying, isn’t it?” I replied. “No, it’s what the police told us when we did your CRB check.””
“A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. … Read more
“Saw an advert for this new show called “Bulging Brides” in which soon to be brides had 2 months to fit in their dress. 2 Months! Just to fit into a dress? I could tell them where to get ripped in just 4 weeks.”
“Just a little bit of Advice for any parents that are reading this. If your baby is having trouble sleeping, don’t put a drop of whisky in their milk bottle. It’s far more effective if you put a drop of milk in a whisky bottle. It works wonders, my son has been asleep for eight … Read more
“On a serious note, I am concerned with global warming and the effect it will have on our future, especially after reading an Article about low water levels in reservoirs. Well, I drive past my local reservoir every day, and each morning I empty a bucket of water from my tap while on my way … Read more
“HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN… compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of … Read more
“I asked my teacher for Advice when taking my math exam and he said that you should always read through the paper first. That’s the last time I listen to him. I was halfway through my horoscope when I heard, “Okay, pencils down.””
COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it.