My son told me he’s been getting bullied at school. In preparation of dealing with the situation, he came to me for Advice. “Son”, I said. “The only thing I can say to you is look before you leap. Poor planning could leave you in a lot of pain. You need to land head-first for … Read more
Whenever you feel down just do what i do, scratch a scratch card near a homeless guy and then go nuts shouting you’ve won ten grand, once you see the look on their face you’ll instantly feel good again.
A man walks into a bar and notices two pieces of beef nailed to the ceiling. He asks the barman why they’re there. “It’s a competition. If you can climb up there and get those bits of meat down you’ll get free drinks all night. But if you try and fail then you’ll have to … Read more
I was in the waiting room of my doctor’s office the other day when the doctor started yelling, “Typhoid Tetanus Measles “ I went up to the nurse and asked her what the hell was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.
Two caterpillars were crawling along a leaf when a butterfly flew past overhead. One caterpillar turned to the other one and said: “You’ll never get me up in one of those things “
A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach of an island and is immediately surrounded by a group of native warriors. “I’m done for”, the man cries in despair. “No you are not,” comes a booming voice from the heavens. “Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab the spear from the one who … Read more
While robbing a home, a burglar hears someone say, “Jesus is watching you.” To his relief, he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something it had heard. The burglar asks the parrot, “What’s your name?” The parrot says, “Moses.” The burglar goes on to ask, “What kind of a person names their parrot Moses?” … Read more
a man walks into a shop and says “i’d like to buy a wasp, please.” the shopkeeper replies “i’m sorry, sir, we don’t sell wasps.” “but,” says the man “you have one in the window.”
A man took his dog to the vet. “Sorry,” said the vet, “but your dog is dead”. Distraught man asks the vet for a second opinionZZ the vet brings in the practice cat. Cat sniffs aroundZZ no response from dog. Vet says “sorry, but your dog is dead”. Man insists on a third opinion, so … Read more
I’ll always remember the day my teacher asked me ‘Didn’t your Mother teach you not to play with fire?’ No, I replied, never really knew my Mother, she was killed in a chip pan fire in 1994.