a worried man goes to see his priest. “Father, I am worried. I think that my wife is trying to poison me.” Said the priest: “Hold on my son, let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow, then I shall be able to give you some advice.” The following day … Read more
A man walks into a bar and orders a pint. Then he hears little voices saying things like ‘Oooh, you look really nice’ and ‘That haircut really suits you’. He tells the barman about it who says ‘Just ignore it, it’s the peanuts, they’re complimentary’.
A blonde girl’s husband buys her a mobile phone. She takes it out and he decides to test it out. He phones her and she answers it. “It’s very good,” she says, “but how did you know I was at the hairdressers?”
“It was a very sad day when I took my cat to the vet. The vet looked at me and said, “I’m afraid your cat won’t last long, it’s the big C…” “What? Cancer?” I replied. “No,” he answered, “curiosity.””
“The hedgehog made his way down to the riverbank and very slowly walked into the water. As it got deeper, he soldiered on, gasping for breath. Suddenly he disappeared under and was only just able to get back to the bank. After resting for 10 minutes, the hedgehog tried again, after going under twice more … Read more
“A dog goes into a telegram office and asks to send a message. “I want it to say ‘woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof’“ The man says, “You have paid 10 and only used 14 words. You can add another one at no extra charge.” The dog … Read more
“A feller was sitting on a park bench eating his lunch when an old lady with a poodle walked up. The dog was pestering the guy for some food, so he asks the old lady, “Is it ok if I throw him a bit?” She says, “Sure, go ahead.” The feller grabbed the dog by … Read more
“I’m having some problems with my new Staffordshire bull terrier – I rang the vet for some Advice. I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good reason. The vet replied, “Muzzle ‘im?” “No,” I said, “I think he’s an atheist.””
The Erectus Trouserius (also known as the trouser snake) is the world’s most dangerous snake. Color varies, from pink to black. It is fang-less, average length is 5 to 9 inches depending on subspecies. Usually appears in bedrooms but found in unusual places at times. Attacks women in lower part of the abdominal area. It’s … Read more
“I decided to get my nephew a puppy for his birthday. As a surprise I decided to put it in a box, wrap it & put a bow on top to disguise the actual gift. Top tip: make sure the dog isn’t inside when putting air holes in the box with a screw driver. My … Read more