“I phoned my wife at work. “We’re out of rabbit food. What shall I give them?” “Give them some carrots,” she said, “and make sure you skin them first.” I called back an hour later. “They’re not eating the carrots. In fact, they’re not doing much at all.” “That’s odd,” she said, “I know,” I … Read more
“One day, a farmer woke up to find that all 100 of his cows had died. Without his cows, he is ruined. So he goes to the nearby lake, and drowns himself. The oldest brother wakes up, reads the note left by his father, and decides that life isn’t worth living. So he goes to … Read more
“Two blokes are arguing about which of their dogs is smArter. The first bloke says, “My dog is so clever, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around, then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.” The second man says, “I know.” “How do you know?” asks the first bloke. … Read more
“An eight-year-old boy went into a shop and picked out a large box of washing powder. The shopkeeper asked him if he had a lot of washing to do. “Oh, no,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog.” “But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog,” said the shopkeeper. “It’s very powerful … Read more
“A man walks into a bar and asks the bArtender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bArtender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. … Read more
“A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, “What seems to be the problem”? “I’m out of petrol.” The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire … Read more
I seem to be seeing a lot of people out walking Staffordshire Bull Terriers at the moment, especially round Council Estates and the like. I’ll be honest, I really don’t like them. They are ugly, muscular, vicious, and unintelligent and seem liable to attack you for no reason. Their dogs, on the other hand, I … Read more
“I looked after my gran’s place while she was away. She came back today and rang me up: “Why the cat in the birdcage is and where is the budgie?” I said, “Technically speaking gran, the budgie’s still in the cage.””
“A rich Barnsley lad wants to commemorate his well-loved dog, who has just died, by making a gold statue of it, so he pops off to his local jeweler. He says to the jeweler, “Can thee make me a gold statue o’ me dog?” The jeweller replies, “Certainly, sir. Would you like it 18 carat?” … Read more
“I was bearing down on the keeper with the ball at my feet, he came out shouting and waving his arms, evidently trying to put me off. He was unsuccessful, I rounded him and unleashed a ferocious shot.. And completely smashed his beehive to bits.”