jokes

I had a pet spider when I was younger. I discovered that when I shouted ‘LEFT’ he went left, and when I shouted ‘RIGHT’ he went right, and when I pulled his legs off. . . . he went deaf.

“My little girl came in crying her eyes out. “Daddy! Daddy! Fluffy is lying still in his hutch. I think he may be dead.” So I went to have a look. Sure enough he was. “Daddy, why is his Willie sticking out?” I now regret quipping, “I guess old rabbits die hard.” The bawling sounds … Read more

“A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident … Read more

“albert Gordon posted: My Father said that he is so fed up of all my pets, the next one I get he is going to drown. I’m seriously considering getting a shark.————————–I’d get a pet toaster.”

“My Son came home crying and told me that the old bloke next door had burst his football with a knife because he was sick of it ending up in his garden. “Don’t worry, Son.” I said, “We’ll do the same to him next time something of his is in our garden.” “What do you … Read more

“”Sponsor a Dog for Life by sending just two pounds a month, and your dog will write to you” says the advert. If the dog’s literate, can’t it earn its own money with some sort of administrative job?”

I went into an internet chat room for people who like Animals last night. I was pretending to be a horse. I got chatting to a really nice guy, but after about half an hour I realized he was grooming me.

“A little old lady takes her dead cats to a taxidermist to be stuffed. “Would you like them mounted?” Asked the taxidermist. “Oooo no….”says the lady, “just snuggled up next to each other.””

“I’ve just been into my local pet shop. I said, “How much is that doggy in the window?” “The one with the waggly tail?” the owner replied, laughing. “No, the one with three legs. I’ve only got twenty quid,” I replied.”

“A guy takes his dog to the vet. When the vet has checked the dog, he says to the guy “Say ‘aah’ please, sir.” The guy asks “Why do you want ME to say ‘aah’?” The vet replies “Because your dog’s dead.””