“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” “Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.” “Because it gets late early.” (On why it’s so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.) “If the people don’t want to come out to the park, nobody’s gonna stop them.” “It … Read more
A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over … Read more
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an … Read more
I sleep during the day, which is such a weird thing, to be a day sleeper, because you get that call at three in the afternoon, and you think, ‘Ooh, bad news.’
You Know You’re Addicted To The Net When 1) All of your friends have @ in their names 2) You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem 3) Your spouse makes a new rule… Computers don’t come to bed. 4) You laugh at people with 56K modems. 5) You start tilting your head to … Read more
It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool,” says Bobby. Carrie’s father … Read more
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning keep out of children. ON A HAIR DRYER: Do not use while sleeping. ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap. ON A FROZEN DINNER: Serving suggestion: Defrost. ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED … Read more
Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road. One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens. “Chickens, eh?” says his friend. “Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?” “Heck,” says the guy with the bag. “You guess right, I’ll give you both of ’em.” “Um…five?”
Once, a long, long time ago, in a small village just outside of some place you’ve never heard of, there was quite a stir amongst the villagers. The villagers, you see, wanted to schedule a race so that they could support their compulsive gambling habits, but could not find their two main contestants, the tortoise … Read more
A man was walking down the beach when he found a bottle. He picks up the bottle, and a genie comes out. The genie says that he will grant him one wish. “Well, I’d like to go to Hawaii. But, I’m afraid of flying and I don’t like the idea of going in a boat. … Read more