There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman sentenced to beheading by guillotine. This Englishman was brought out first and as the blade fell towards his neck it got stuck. Tradition was that if this happened then they had to let him free so the Englishman was saved. Next they brought the Scotsman out … Read more
When in ASDA buying grapes, take one grape to the “serve yourself” till. When it is weighed it won’t register on the scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure a hundred times or so, and hey, presto! You have yourself a free bunch of grapes.
“I’ve been trying to teach my son the importance of honesty. Today when I came home I discovered that he had found my nail gun and destroyed my entire vinyl collection. I went up to his room and asked him if he knew who did it. “It was me, dad.” He replied. “Good son, and … Read more
Marathon runners cover over 26 miles in two hours, train for years and when they finish cannot breath and are bent double with pain. I, on the other hand, can spend the 2 hours in the pub drinking and smoking, yet walk out as right as rain. Therefore running is obviously bad for you.
Word of Advice for those people who make jokes about Walkers crisp bags having very few crisps in them. Don’t bother buying a Ryan air sick bag – they turn out to be even more disappointing.
“Top tip: If you have a paranoid friend and they leave their mobile lying around, pick it up and add little reminders like “I’m watching you” and “You’re not alone” to random dates. Epic lots!”
Am I the only one getting annoyed with all these jokes that relate directly to Sickipedia that become so popular? These jokes don’t work in the real world. Try telling a joke about data latency being too high after an awesome pedophile joke to all your friends at the pub. Your friends will hate you … Read more
BUS DRIVERS. If you see an attractive woman with a low cut top at the bus stop, accelerate and come to a halt 50 feet past the stop. You will then have a great view in your nearside mirror as she runs towards you. Finally, accidentally drop her change for a second look.
“In the news was a story that a boy died by walking in front of a moving train. The excuse is that he was listening to his ipod loud. The Family have urged people not to listen to iPods while outside “for your own safety”. Wouldn’t it be more constructive if she told people to … Read more
“When getting into a fight in a pub, don’t concern yourself with ungentlemanly fisticuffs. First shout something innocuous at your opponent, to grab the pub’s attention. Then calmly walk to the door. There, turn around and in your loudest voice yell, “At least I’m not a pedophile.” The seed planted into everyone’s mind will do … Read more