5k Funny Jokes

My dog swallowed my TV remote control. Now, I have to pat his back to get the BBC, press his stomach to get Sky, rub his neck to get ITV… and decided I could do without Channel 4.

“I went into the pet shop yesterday and said, “My two cats keep bringing fleas into the house, do you have anything to stop it?” “Sure,” replied the cashier, “Rub this powder all over their fur and it should kill them within 24 hours.” She was right, I woke up this morning and both cats … Read more

I’ve named my dog Madness. When people come round I introduce him by saying “This is Madness!”, my flat mate then jumps out and screams “THIS IS SPARTA!” and kicks me in the chest. Worth it

“A business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: HELP WANTED-Must be able to type, have computer skills, and be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer. A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged … Read more

Police reported earlier today that a cattle truck had tipped on its side, killing the driver and all 100 cattle on board. The Family of the driver announced there will be a memorial service to commemorate the driver, followed by an all-you-can-eat barbecue.

“I think these animal rights protesters have double standards. Why do they only throw red paint over posh women in mink? If they feel so strongly about people wearing coats made from dead Animals then why aren’t they down the local bikers pub splattering everyone in Deluxe?”

“In the countryside, a guy’s car gets stuck in a muddy rut. Fortunately, a farmer is just walking his strong-looking shire horse past. “Don’t worry, there,” says the farmer, hitching the horse to the car. “Soon have you out.” Then he calls out to the horse “Pull, Dobbin!” But the horse doesn’t budge, so he … Read more

I decided to start my own business caring for pets left behind when their owners go on holiday when I saw how much a friend of mine had made after starting his Cattery. I don’t know much about cats, but I know how to look after bugs. I haven’t had much business though. Maybe it’s … Read more

“I saw my mate Dan the other day and he’d bought himself a dog — a great Dane. I said “What’s with the pooch, mate?” He said “Research shows that people who own dogs live ten years longer”. I had to laugh when it dragged him under a bus!”

I had a pet spider when I was younger. I discovered that when I shouted ‘LEFT’ he went left, and when I shouted ‘RIGHT’ he went right, and when I pulled his legs off. . . . he went deaf.