1k Jokes

A man goes into the doctor with a penguin on his head. The doctor says “What can I do for you?” and the penguin says “well doc, it started as this growth on my foot…”

A penguin walks into a store and asks the teller, “Do you have any grapes?”  “No.” He replies.  This same thing happens the next day. On the third day the teller replies,”  No, and if you come in asking for grapes again I will nail your flippers to the floor ” On the  next the … Read more

A grad student, a postZdoc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they  find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.  The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”  “Me first  Me first … Read more

Patient : “Doctor I keep hearing “The green, green grass of home” in my head. Doctor : “That’s called the Tom Jones Syndrome” Patient : “Is it common ?”  Doctor : “It’s not unusual

 An atom walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he’s seen his missing electron. “Are you sure she’s missing”, asks the bartender. “I’m positive”, replies the atom. (this is definitely a joke for science minded people only)

Two owls are playing in the final of the Owl Pool Championship. It comes down to the last frame. One of the owls is just about to play his shot, when his wing accidentally touches a ball. “That’s two hits,” says the other owl. “Two hits to who?” says the first.

A man walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he notices Van Gogh playing  the fruit machine. He calls over, “Hey, Van Gogh  Want a drink?” and Van Gogh replies, “No  thanks. I’ve got one ‘ere.”

there are these two sausages sizzling in a frying pan.  the one turns to the other and  says “gees, it’s hot in here” and the second one turns around and goes “AAAAH , a talking  sausage”.

A piece of straight, clean string goes into a bar and orders a gin and tonic. The barman  serves the drink, the string downs it and walks out. Ten minutes later a dirty, twisted, ragged  piece of string walks into the bar. “Here Z are you that piece of string that was here ten  minutes … Read more

Did you hear about the iceZcream man, he was found dead in his iceZcream van,  covered in chocolate sauce and hundredsZandZthousands?  The police said that he had  ?topped? himself.