Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. “Son, don’t you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?” “My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!” replied Johnny. “Did … Read more
This mafia family was in need of a collection officer, and after screening many applicants they hired an individual who happened to be hearing impaired. He was very good at what he did, and within a week he had collected $40,000. from non-payers, however he was greedy and hid the money for himself. It didn’t … Read more
Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, “Why did you do that??” The trooper responds, “You’re in Texas now son, you have … Read more
“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” “Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.” “Because it gets late early.” (On why it’s so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.) “If the people don’t want to come out to the park, nobody’s gonna stop them.” “It … Read more
A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over … Read more
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an … Read more
I sleep during the day, which is such a weird thing, to be a day sleeper, because you get that call at three in the afternoon, and you think, ‘Ooh, bad news.’
You Know You’re Addicted To The Net When 1) All of your friends have @ in their names 2) You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem 3) Your spouse makes a new rule… Computers don’t come to bed. 4) You laugh at people with 56K modems. 5) You start tilting your head to … Read more
It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool,” says Bobby. Carrie’s father … Read more
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning keep out of children. ON A HAIR DRYER: Do not use while sleeping. ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap. ON A FROZEN DINNER: Serving suggestion: Defrost. ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED … Read more