The wife served breakfast to the Husband.
Along with that, she gave me a tablet also and said:
“Take this Paracetamol after breakfast.”
Husband: “Why? I don’t have a fever.”
Wife: “OK, then take this Digene.”
Husband: “Come on ! I don’t have even gastric trouble.”
Wife: “OK, take at least Pudeen Hara You will have an immediate relief.”
Husband: “My dear, my stomach is perfectly OK.”
Wife: “Oh, but you must take at least Combiflame Any pain in your hands or legs will disappear in no time.”
Husband: “Are you crazy? Why so much of care and concern for me all of a sudden? Thanx darling, but I am totally fit, fresh and energetic.”
Wife: “Ve….ry good ! Now take this broom and clean up the cobwebs from all the rooms and then clean up the loft also.”
A husband and wife talking
Three elderly men are at the doctor
A famous doctor was being interviewed by the news media.
Looking to spice things up a little, one reporter asked if the doctor had ever made any serious mistakes.
“Well, yes,” the doctor sighed.
“I once cured a multimillionaire.”
“How was that a mistake? The reporter asked.
The doctor shook his head wearily. “I did it in one visit!”
Two blondes had driven across the country
A 15-year-old rolled up at home in a shiny Porsche
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father
Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelite’s out of Egypt.
“When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
“Then he used his walkies-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to bl*w up the bridge and all the Israelite’s were saved.”
“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.
“Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”
A couple was dining out
A polish man is sitting at a bar
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,
“When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable”.
The telegraph operator shakes his head.
“How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, “comfortable?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it slow.”
A man comes to his doctor and tells
A old man is in the surgery
A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant.
When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”
His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”
Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook.”
A old man goes to a doctor
A husband and wife went to marriage Councillor
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male.
These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish.
I her by give you the gift of life you have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.”
And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes would you like to continue?”
The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”
Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure but this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on its head.”
Two elderly ladies were enjoying
A tourist is picked up by a cab
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out.
“What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!”
Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch.
“We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot.”
Jane gasped. “Oh my God- that must have been horrible!”
“Tell me about it,” replied Sam. “For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…”
A Man Was Driving Down the Road
A group of kindergartners were trying
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said,
“The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!”
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?
The man came to his pastor
One night the Nasreddin Hodja
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes”, the wife answers, “Why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that critter on the phone. I’m lost and need directions!!!”
A mother was teaching her child
A young Redhead goes into the doctor
A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving to spend the holiday together.
The family gathers, but the couple’s children are late and the mother-in-law complains aloud:
“Ugh, your children, always late.”
Eventually, everyone comes and sits down to eat, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table and no one has the strength to argue with her.
After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain:
“Ugh, what’s with the food here, why is it always late?”
A few minutes later, the couple brings out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife.
Everyone eats and the evening continues.
While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says:
“Ugh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time.”
A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and almost hitting her.
Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself: “Ugh, this clock… always late.”
A new young blonde bride calls her mother
A 45 year old woman arrives home
Three drunkards were walking down the street when they came upon a pile of manure where they stopped.
The first drunkard, upon observation of the manure said to the other two, “Looks like it…”
The second, bending over it and sniffing, said to the other two, “smells like it…”
The third, sticking his finger in it, said, “feels like it.”
“Good thing we didn’t step in it”, they all agreed as they turned and walked away.
A blonde struggling with her weight
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down
A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
“God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”
The father asked, ‘Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?’
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day Grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
“God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma..”
The next day the grandmother died.
“Holy crap” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
“God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock.
He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
“I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me.
This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”
Grandpa was telling his grandson
Johnny was told by his friends
Three women were sitting in a bar, burnette, redhead, and a blonde they were all pregnant.
The burnette says, “I know what I’m going to have.”
The other to asked how.
She replied, “Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy”.
The red head said, “If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved.
The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, “PUPPIES, PUPPIES!”.
A panel of doctors
Gifts to grandpa
“How can I know the best way to act in life?” the disciple asked the master.
The master asked him to build a table.
The disciple drove in the nails with three precise blows.
One nail, however, struck a hard spot and the disciple needed to deliver one more blow – which drove in the nail too deep all the way into the wood.
“Your hand was used to three blows of the hammer,” said the master.
“You had so much trust in what you did that you lost your attention and skill.”
“When action becomes a mere habit it loses its meaning and may end up causing harm, so never let routine be in command of your movements.”
After a long sermon
A young man walks into a supermarket
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the protection aisle.
The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of protection.
The father replies, ”Well, you see that 3-pack? That’s for when you’re in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.”
The son then asks his father, ”What’s the 6-pack for?”
The father replies, ”Well, that’s for when you’re in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.”
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ”Well, that’s for when you’re married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.”
A young couple were on their honeymoon
She was in bed with her boyfriend
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,
“Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The little silver-haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster”
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh.
“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
A blonde heard that baths in milk
A secretary goes to the company stockroom
Getting late for a meeting, need to run’, he said, as he slung his coat over the shoulder, and bounded out of the house.
As he drove away, she came running down the stairs two at a time.
‘Wait, wait’, she said, but he had already left.
Her mouth crumpled like used wrapping paper.
‘He forgot to give me a goodbye kiss’, she whispered in a voice that trembled under the weight of her hurt.
She called him, ‘you left without giving me a kiss’, she said accusingly.
‘I am sorry sweetheart’, he said, his voice contrite.
‘It is okay’, she said, trying to be all grown up as she cut the call.
She gulped down her breakfast morosely, wore her shoes, picked up her school bag and started to walk out of the door, her shoulders slumped.
As she climbed down the steps, the car glided to a stop outside the house.
He got out of the car she ran to him, her whole face lit up like a Christmas tree.
‘I am sorry I forgot’, he said, as he picked her up and hugged her.
She said nothing her jaw ached from smiling.
Fifteen years later, no one would remember he was late for a meeting, but a little girl would never ever forget that her father drove all the way back home just to kiss her goodbye!
Do not miss out on the precious moments, priceless life experiences of the time spent with your child.
Create beautiful life experiences you will make a world of difference in their lives.
They need your time and attention more than anything else give it to them.
Little Johnny was sitting in class
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: Yes
Wife: Shut up. Don’t you ever dare talk to me!!
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: No
Wife: Liar
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: Maybe
Wife: can u ever b decisive
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: I don’t know
Wife: Are you blind?
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: Depends
Wife: Oh you comparing me with some one else..
Wife: Am I looking fat?
Husband: silence
Wife: Are you deaf?
There are some questions for which there is no correct answer.
For everything else there is Google.
Frank and John left the bar
Mary and Dave went a romantic dinner
A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”
A woman phoned her dentist
A husband comes home to find his wife
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.
He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
Wife discussing christmas presents with her maid
A man is working in a weapon store
A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper, “Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?”
“Yes,” the professor answered.
“When I was a young candidate at the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.”
“Well,” said the gatekeeper. “That is a very minor sin. You may enter.”
“Thank you very much, Saint Peter,” the professor answered.
“You’re welcome, but I am not Saint Peter,” said the gatekeeper.
“He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas.”
There was this guy at a bar
Two men are in a doctor office
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times.
After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, “Who are you?” The fat man replied, “I am a genie you have freed from that lamp.”
Dylan questioned, “Oh man, do I get three wishes?”
The genie replied, “Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one.”
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, “I want to be the best golfer ever.”
The surprised genie said, “You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay.
Now your wife gets one wish.”
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, “I want a million dollars every week of my life.”
The genie said, “Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I’ve been with a woman.
I want one day of wild, crazy make love with your wife, Dylan.”
Dylan said, “No way!” The genie replied, “Not even for a million dollars a week?”
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, “I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves.”
Dylan said, “Okay, have fun, I guess,” and left.
Dylan’s wife then proceeded to have wild make love for the rest of the day with the genie.
When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, “Forty-five.”
The Genie laughed and said, “Isn’t he a little old to be believing in genies?”
Why do you want to talk to me
A man escapes from prison
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him,
“If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, there are two left, but I like how you’re thinking.
Then Johnny asks the teacher, “You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor.”
One is licking her ice cream, one is taste it her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream.
Which one is married?” And the teacher responds,
“The one taste it her ice cream.”
Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking
Anna realized that she had grown
One evening a husband and wife
An extremely modest old man was in the hospital for a series of tests.
The last test had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
An elderly drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard barely containing his laughter who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked,
“What the heck is going on here?”
The drunk, still staring down replied:
“I think I just be****t the sh***************t out of a ghost”
A old man accidentally crashed his car
A man was crossing a road one day
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa.”
The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?”
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy, and good-bye grandma.”
The next day the grandmother died.
“Oh, my gosh”, thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy.”
He practically went into shock.
He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch.”
Mommy has told her little girl
She told her mother
A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him,
“We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
A husband exclaims to his wife
Husband Was Not Talking With Wife
Emperor Akbar was narrating a dream.
The dream began with Akbar and Birbal walking towards each other on a moonless night.
It was so dark that they could not see each other – and they collided, and fell.
“Fortunately for me,” said the Emperor.
“I fell into a pool of payasam but guess what Birbal fell into?”
“What, your Majesty?” asked the courtiers.
“A gutter!”
The court resounded with laughter.
The emperor was thrilled that for once he had been able to score over Birbal but Birbal was unperturbed.
“Your Majesty,” he said when the laughter had died down.
“Strangely, I too had the same dream.
But unlike you I slept on till the end.
When you climbed out of that pool of delicious payasam and I, out of that stinking gutter we found that there was no water with which to clean ourselves and so guess what we did?
“What?” asked the emperor, warily.
“We licked each other clean!”
The emperor became red with embarrassment and resolved never to try to get the better of Birbal again.
A big city lawyer went duck hunting
A beggar knocked at the door
A wife woke up from her night’s sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband.
“I dreamt they were auctioning off weapon in this place, “she began, “the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20.”
“How about the ones like mine?” asked her husband.
“Those they gave away,” she replied tongue in cheek.
“I had a dream too,” started the husband.
“I dreamt they were auctioning off fannies. The pretty ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!”
“And how much for the ones like mine?” required the wife to her husband.
“That’s where they held the auction,” he replied.
A young couple decided to wed
A Russian couple are walking
A man is talking to the family doctor.
“Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.”
The doctor answers, “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers.
Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.”
The man goes home and tries it out.
He walks in the door and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
“Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer.
He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, “For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!”
A man walks into the front door
A New York Divorce Lawyer died