An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are “snowbirds” in Texas.
Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely undressed except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now??”
Bessie looks up and says, “Ray, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Ray yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”
To which Bessie replies, “Should a bought a hat, Ray. Should a bought a hat.”
After a wonderful night of lovemaking
Mr. Robinson said to his wife
A couple is on their honeymoon.
The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink?
I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink.
Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife is sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath?
I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out.
Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve got a confession to make.”
She says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
The husband picked up the phone
A young man and woman got married
Mrs. Green lived in two story house together with an elderly widow.
After not hearing from her for a few days, she got a bit nervous.
“Johnny”, she called to her son “do me a favor and go find out how old Mrs. Robinson is.”
So six-year-old John went down the stairs and knocked on Mrs. Robinson’s door.
“So how is she?” asked Mrs. Green when John came back up.
“How is she?”, repeated Johnny.
“I’ve never seen her so mad in my life, she said it’s none of your business how old she is.”
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster
A Scottish farmer is sitting on his front porch
A husband got a message from his neighbour one day.
It read “Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now”
The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife.
He hide the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying “Sorry meant using your wifi”
Three construction workers where sitting on the bridge
One smart father goes to his son
A grandfather and grandson were taking a nature hike together.
The grandfather remarked how nature can teach us many lessons.
The grandson asked which lesson was the most important one he had learned.
The grandfather replied, “Well, if you find a baby squirrel in the woods, don’t carry it in your shirt unless you’re wearing a very tight belt.”
A guy went fishing with his friend
A man told his doctor
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.
The lab tech says to him, “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.”
“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” asked Mr. Smith.
“Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
“The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids
A very attractive young lady was sitting
Two blonde girls walk into a department store.
They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
“That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Tracy”
“Yeah. What’s it called Sharon?”
“Viens a moi.”
“Viens a moi? What the does that mean?”
At this stage the store clerk offers some help.
“Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me.’”
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, “That doesn’t smell like come to me.
Does that smell like come to you?”
Two friends went to interview
A nun was walking in the convent
A busty blonde woman walks into a New York bank and goes straight up to the counter.
“Hello,” the man behind the counter says to the woman. “How can I help you today?”
The blonde has to think for a moment and finally says, “I need a loan of two-hundred and fifty dollars.”
The bank teller responds, “That’s not a problem, miss. We’ll need you to put something up as collateral.”
The blonde takes another moment to think and says, “I have a car. I’ll put that up!”
The bank teller pulls out a form and asks the blonde, “That would work. What kind of car is it?”
The blonde hands the teller her keys and answers, “it’s a bright orange Lamborghini. It’s parked right outside.”
The blonde leaves as the teller finishes the form, dumbfounded by the transaction.
A week later, the blonde returns.
She has the loan and all of the interest that gathered over the last week.
She walks up to the same teller and hands him the money.
He then returns her keys.
As the blonde is leaving, the teller can’t fight the urge to ask any longer.
“Excuse, miss. I just have one question. Why did you put this four-hundred thousand car up as collateral for such a small amount of money?”
The blonde turns and replies, “Where else in New York City and I supposed to find parking for a week for as little as two-hundred and fifty dollars?”
A young lady is buying a box
A young man was watching the news
The doctor tells his patient: “Well I have good news and bad news…”
The patient says, “Lay it on me Doc. What’s the bad news?”
“You have Alzheimer’s disease.”
“Good heavens! What’s the good news?”
“You can go home and forget about it!”
A couple were making their first doctor visit
A man was pulled over for speeding down
Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said, “My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated.”
The second said, “Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful.”
The third said, “Mine is like an old Chevy.
It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it’s still going.”
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson
Two guys were working at a sawmill
A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.
The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.
When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and gets his tuxedo.
He wants himself and his date to arrive in style, so he looks to rent a limousine for the night.
He goes to the limousine center, and finds a line of people waiting to rent out a limo, but he patiently waits in line, and manages to hire a limo for prom night.
The morning of the prom he decides to buy his date a bunch of flowers.
When he arrives at the florist, he sees a long line of people waiting for their bouquets.
He’s annoyed, but he waits patiently, and manages to buy a big bouquet.
During the prom, everything is going well, the boy is dancing with his date, and having a good time.
His date whispers into his ear to ask if he can get her some fruit punch.
The boy looks over at the table and there was no punchline.
A blonde car gets a flat Tyre
A old lady was walking her dog
A country guy in a bar was becoming irritated by a flash city type with a vacuous blonde on his arm.
Both had loud, braying voices and a seemingly endless supply of cash.
Eventually the country guy went up to him and said: “You know, you’ve got yourself a real trophy girlfriend there.”
“Why do you think she’s a trophy girlfriend?” said the city boy proudly.
“Is it because she’s got long blonde hair and lovely melons?”
“No,” said the country boy, “because she’s got big ears.”
A gang of armed robbers
A new bar manager at a country
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.”
“Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her.
If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again.
Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness”.
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.
He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He hears no response.
He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply.
He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”
A guy walks into a bar and sits down
A drunk was sitting in a bar
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor.
Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher.
Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!
She turns to him, invitingly… they kiss…and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it for you?”
The guy yawns: “Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.”
Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug
This is said to be a favorite story of Lyndon Johnson’s.
A preacher was becoming terribly distracted by a man who came to church every Sunday and slept through the entire sermon.
One Sunday the preacher decided to do something about it.
As he began to preach, the man, true to form, fell fast asleep.
Whereupon the preacher said quietly, “Everyone who wants to go to heaven, stand up.”
The entire congregation immediately stood up, except the sleeping man.
When they sat down, the preacher shouted at the top of his voice, “Everyone who want to go to hell, stand up.”
This startled the dozing man.
Still half asleep, he jumped up, looked around to see what was going on, then said to the preacher.
“I don’t know what we’re voting on but it looks like you and I are the only ones in favor of it.”
Drunken Lady
A judge was interviewing a woman
They were reaching a stalemate.
One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war.
The private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, “Why not? It’s not like we have any better ideas.”
The next day, an American soldier called out, “Hans?!”
A German popped up and shouted back, “Ja?!”
Boom, the German was shot dead.
The next day the Americans shouted again, “Hans?!”
“Ja!?”
Shot dead.
This process continued over the next couple of days.
The Germans were losing large numbers and were now finally catching on.
The Germans had an emergency meeting.
They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans.
Thus, a German asked, “What is a popular American name?” “John!” replied another.
The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan.
A German shouted, “John?!”
An American called back, “Is that you Hans?!”
A man goes to the doctor and tells
A guy is at the pearly gates
A man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said,
“In my house, I am the boss.
I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made.
And when the dishes are washed.”
One of the guys at the table said,
“How long have you been married?”
The man says, “Oh I’m not married I’m single!”
Johnny went to the store with his grandmother
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting
A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house.
The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room.
As they walked through the first room, the woman said, “I think I would like this room in a cream color.”
The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, “Green side up!”
He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room.
The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour.
“In this room, I was thinking of an off blue.”
Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, “Green side up!”
This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything.
In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, “Green side up!”
Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, “Why do you keep yelling ‘Green side up’ out of my window each time I tell you what color I’d like a room?”
The contractor replied, “Because I have a crew of blondes laying turf across the street.”
A man walks into a bar one night
A Irishman walked into a bar
A couple had been married for 40 years and he managed all of the money.
He told his wife that he did not ever want her to look inside the safe.
One day, when he was away her curiosity got the best of her and she looked into the safe and found $10,000 and three eggs.
When her husband returned home, she told him what she had done.
He said, “I told you never to look inside the safe!”
She answered, “Too bad, I did. But I don’t understand what the 3 eggs are doing in the safe.”
The husband said, “Well, to be perfectly honest, I put an egg in the safe every time I have an affair with another woman.”
The wife said, “I am not pleased about that but, then again, I suppose 3 times in 40 years is not all that bad.”
The man answered, “I should also tell you that when I get a dozen eggs, I sell them. That is where the money comes from.”
A Italian couple is their honeymoon
A Husband And Wife Went To Have Dinner
The bartender says, “Let me see and I’ll consider it.”
So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster.
The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing.
And not just banging out “Chopsticks”, the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock and roll.
After a few minutes the bartender says, “Okay, I am impressed
You can drink for free tonight.”
As the bartender is pouring the guy a drink, the guy says, “Hey, if I show you something even more amazing, will you let me drink for free for a month?”
The bartender says, “Okay, but this had better be pretty spectacular.”
So the guy reaches into his bag again and pulls out a microphone and a frog
The frog sits in front of the microphone and begins singing along with the hamster playing the piano.
The bartender says, “Okay, I’m impressed
You can drink here for free for a month.”
As all of this has been going on, another customer at the end of the bar has been watching
He walks over and says, “I’m a theater producer, and I’d like to buy that frog and put him in a show
Will you sell it to me for $500?”
The guy says no.
“$1,000?”
The guy still refuses.
“Okay, will you sell me the frog for $5,000?”
So the guy agrees, and gives the producer the frog for $5,000.
As the producer is leaving, the bartender says to the guy, “I can’t believe you sold the frog! Surely it was worth more than $5,000!”
“Not really.” The guy says
“The hamster’s a ventriloquist.”
She was standing on the sidewalk
A Buddhist monk
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.
“No, no, no!” insisted the man.
“I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A Father is asked by his friend
The teacher asks a question
Frank and John left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
John, the passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!”
Frank, the driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.
John rolled his window down part way and scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”
The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”
John handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the Frank, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later we calmed down and started laughing again.
Frank said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry we’re doing 80 now.”
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
“There he is again,” John yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”
“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.
John threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”
We were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying’ to forget what we had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
“Oh my God! He’s back!” John rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”
The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”
A old man in Miami calls up his son
A wife asked a question to her husband
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension
Yesterday someone stole my purse
It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with
I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope
Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna”
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read: “Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
“PS – there was $4 missing
I think it must have been those thieving scoundrels at the Post Office!”
The snow in a one-horse open sleigh
A squirrel
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.
“Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” he asked his mother.
“He thinks a lot,” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, “So why do you have so much hair?”
Two lawyers arrive at the pub
A man went into a bar in a high rise
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.
“Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?”
“Sure. Do you know the bulls only bang the cows once a year?”
“Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what’s the relationship between this and Mad Cow?”
“And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?”
“Mr. Brown, that’s interesting, but, what’s the point?”
“Lady, the point is this: if I’m playing with your melons twice a day, but only bang you once a year, wouldn’t you go mad, too?”
Three women worked in the same office
A married man decided to work late
A little girl received a tea set that quickly became one of her favorite toys.
While her mother was away for a few weeks caring for a sick aunt, the toddler would lovingly bring her dad “cups of tea” really just water while he was absorbed in watching the news on TV.
Each time she handed him a “cup of tea,” he would take a sip and praise her enthusiastically, making her feel incredibly proud.
When the mother finally returned, the dad couldn’t wait to show her how his little princess had been taking care of him.
Right on cue, the girl brought him another “cup of tea,” which he sipped before showering her with praise again.
Watching this, the mother asked, “Has it ever crossed your mind that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”
A waiter takes an order from a customer
A old lady dies and goes to Heaven
Long ago, people lived happily under the rule of a king
The people of the kingdom were very happy as they led a very prosperous life with an abundance of wealth and no misfortunes.
Once, the king decided to go visiting places of historical importance and pilgrim centres at distant places.
He decided to travel by foot to interact with his people.
People of distant places were very happy to have a conversation with their king
They were proud that their king had a kind heart.
After several weeks of travel, the king returned to the palace.
He was quite happy that he had visited many pilgrim centres and witnessed his people leading a prosperous life.
However, he had one regret
He had intolerable pain in his feet as it was his first trip by foot covering a long distance.
He complained to his ministers that the roads weren’t comfortable and that they were very stony.
He could not tolerate the pain
He said that he was very much worried about the people who had to walk along those roads as it would be painful for them too!
Considering all this, he ordered his servants to cover the roads in the whole country with leather so that the people of his kingdom can walk comfortably.
The king’s ministers were stunned to hear his order as it would mean that thousands of cows would have to be slaughtered in order to get sufficient quantity of leather
And it would cost a huge amount of money also.
Finally, a wise man from the ministry came to the king and said that he had another idea
The king asked what the alternative was.
The minister said, “Instead of covering the roads with leather, why don’t you just have a piece of leather cut in appropriate shape to cover your feet?”
The king was very much surprised by his suggestion and applauded the wisdom of the minister.
He ordered a pair of leather shoes for himself and requested all his countrymen also to wear shoes.
Moral: Instead of trying to change the world, we should try to change ourselves.
A man is in a bar
A priest and a rabbi
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together.
After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asked the husband,
“What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”
The husband said, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.”
The wife said, “Seven weeks.
A little boy said Grandpa
A young couple got married
A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he’d left the light on in the garden shed she could see it from the bedroom window.
But he said that he hadn’t been in the shed that day.
He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things.
He rang the police, but they told him that no one was in his area, so no-one was available to catch the thieves.
He said OK, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again.
“Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don’t have to worry about them now, I’ve just shot them all.”
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to this man: “I thought you said you’d shot them!”
He replied: “I thought you said there was no-one available!”
A serious drunk walked into a bar
A bride tells her husband
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had making love with each of them three times.”
Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”
Man: “What sins? ”
Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”
Man: “I’m Jewish.”
Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?”
Man: “I’m 92 years old … I’m telling everybody.”
There were Two Nuns
A couple went to a bang therapists office