Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook.
They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before.
They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook.
One of the men said to the other, “This is the place!”.
The other replied, “No, it’s not!”.
The first man said, “Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
To which the other man replied, “Silly, you can’t tell a brook by it’s clover.”
A woman said to her friend
A man and his dog walk into a bar
An elderly patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.
When asked what he would do if released, he replied,
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place.”
Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question.
His reply was the same.
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place”.
Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released.
The elderly patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.
The elderly patient said, “You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions.”
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.
So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.
He said, “I am going to get a job, find an apartment, and settle down.”
“Good,” they said, and then what?”
He said, “I want to meet a nice girl and start dating.”
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, “And then what”?
“One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her corset off and lie her down on the bed.”
“Yes? they said excitedly.
“Then I am going to gently remove her underwear,” he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked,
“Then what are you going to do?”
He said, “I am going to take the elastic out of those underwear, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!
A lawyer and senior citizen are sitting a train
Johnny decided to ask his dad
A woman goes into a toy shop to buy a tool.
She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, “I want that one!”
He replies, “It’s not for sale.”
The woman says, “Please I want that one,” again he says it’s not for sale.
The woman says, “I’ll give you a hundred dollars for it.” and the salesman says, “Well, okay.
Five minutes later, his boss walks in and asks, “How’s business today?”
The salesman replied, “It’s pretty slow but I just made a hundred dollars off of my thermos.”
A blonde was so upset
A man walked into an insurance office
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast.
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside…
“That laundry is not very clean”, she said.
“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”
Her husband looked on but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
“Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”
The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.
Wife questioned her husband about his new secretary
A elderly couple walk into a restaurant
A 15-year-old Little Johnny comes home with a Porsche his parents began to yell and scream.
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” Demanded his parents.
“We know how much a Porsche costs!”
“Well,” said the Little Johnny, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder.
“Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother,
“She must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers.
He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.
“Well,” she said, this morning I got a phone call from my husband.
I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back.
He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.
Two ladies are walking their dogs
A Man Was At Home Watching TV
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender, “Could I get a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?”
The bartender is taken aback but serves the rabbit his order.
The rabbit enjoys his beer, devours the toastie, and then leaves.
The next night, the rabbit returns and once again requests a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Word has spread, and the pub is buzzing with curious patrons.
The bartender serves the rabbit, who eats and drinks before heading out.
By the third night, the pub is packed to the brim. As the rabbit walks in and orders his usual, the crowd falls silent in anticipation.
The bartender hands over the pint and toastie, and the room erupts in applause as the rabbit finishes his meal and exits.
On the fourth night, there’s standing room only. People have travelled from far and wide just to witness this unusual guest.
The bartender is making more money in a week than he did all of last year.
But when the rabbit walks in and asks for his usual, the bartender’s face falls.
“I’m sorry, my friend,” he says, “but we’re all out of Ham and Cheese Toasties.”
The rabbit looks shocked, and the pub goes so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
The bartender nervously offers, “But we do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie. I promise you’ll love it.”
The rabbit eyes him carefully. “Are you sure?” he asks.
With a grin, the bartender replies, “I wouldn’t steer you wrong. Trust me, you’ll love it.”
“Alright,” says the rabbit, “I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.”
The pub bursts into cheers as the rabbit enjoys his meal, waves to the crowd, and leaves… never to return.
A year later, the pub is in decline.
The bartender, who has only served a handful of drinks that night—most of them to himself—calls last orders.
As he’s cleaning up, he notices a small white figure hovering above the bar.
“Who are you?” he asks.
“I’m the ghost of the rabbit who used to visit your pub,” comes the reply.
The bartender’s eyes widen. “I remember you! You made this place famous. Every night, you’d come in for a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. People came from miles around just to see you.”
“Yes,” the rabbit says. “But I also remember that last night when you ran out of Ham and Cheese Toasties. You gave me a Cheese and Onion Toastie instead.”
“That’s right,” the bartender recalls. “But then you never came back. What happened?”
“I died,” says the rabbit.
The bartender gasps. “No! How?”
The rabbit pauses before replying, “Mixin’ me toasties.”
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday
Johnny was talking to a couple of boys
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”
Sarah waves her hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!”
Miss Rogers says, “All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?”
Sarah says, “Mas-tur-bate.”
Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, Sarah, that’s a mouthful.”
Sarah says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a good job.”
A kid walks into a class
A man strolls into a pharmacy
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes in with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says.
“You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man.
“How long have I got?”
“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.
“Ten?!?!” the man asks.
“Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?”
“Nine…”
A stingy old lawyer
A teacher told her young class
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?”
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, “That’s not a TV it’s a microwave.”
A father asks his 10-year-old son
A man and his wife were in divorce court
There is this guy who has a 25 inch weapon.
He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his weapon smaller because he just can’t please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.
She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him.
If the frog says ‘no’, his tool will shrink 5 inches.
He goes into the woods and finds this frog.
He asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”
The frog says, “No”, and his prick shrinks five inches.
The guys thinks to himself, “Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big.”
So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?”
Frog says, “No, I won’t marry you.”
The guys weapon shrinks another five inches.
But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big.
But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great.
He goes back to the frog and asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”
Frog: “How many times do I have to tell you — NO, NO, NO!!!”
A young lady meet a man in a pub
Two man were sitting in a bar
A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.
The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave.
Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house.
They don’t want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in.
The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.
“He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.
“Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away.
“Stupid lady was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. “
The cab driver hit a parked car.
A dad was having a conversation with his son
A old husband and wife went to breakfast
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy
The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”
The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher.
What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom.
After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth.
This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility.
He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars.
The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”
Three Engineers are Discussing God
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000.
She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest bums.
Woman asked where’s your Ferrari?
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
Brian was pulled over for speeding, and as the cop approached his car, he noticed lighter fluid, matches, and torches, all in the passenger seat right next to him.
“Sir,” said the cop, motioning to the paraphernalia.
“Can I ask why you have that stuff in the car?”
“Well officer,” said Brian, “it’s quite simple, I’m a juggler in a circus and this is my equipment!”
The cop, clearly not believing him, insisted that he come over to the side of the road and juggle the torches so he can see if his story was indeed true.
Just then an elderly couple cruised by and the old man turned to his wife, “Susie, am I glad I finally gave up drinking! Can you believe the drinking test they are giving now?!”
John Sam and Abe three retired friends
Harry was working at a construction site
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”
A mother was working in the kitchen
A woman is in bed with her lover
3 guys crash land on an island and get captured by cannibals
Once they they are brought to the chieftain he tells them what they have to do if they want to live.
“Go in the woods, gather 10 fruits of the same kind. You have as long as you want to do so.
Once you’re back there will be another task”
The guys then leave to get the fruit.
The first one comes back with 10 apples.
The chieftain then tells him: “Now you have to shove all of those apples in your a***s, without making any sound”.
The guy reluctantly starts putting apples in his b*m, but by the 3rd one is in great pains and starts crying.
The cannibals then take him and tie him to a tree.
The second one arrives with 10 blueberries.
He is also told to put the fruit.
He manages to put 9 and as he was about to put in the last he starts laughing and gets tied to a tree next to his friend.
The first guy asks him “Why did you fail? You only had to endure one more.”
The second guy replies”Well putting the fruit in wasn’t that bad, but i saw the other guy come back with 10 pineapples”
There was once a mysterious man
A Man Was Driving Down the Road
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender,
“I’m so pissed off!”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home.
We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door.
So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough,” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said:
“Hey great! You’re undressed already! Let me just take a leak.”
And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head.
“No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his protection out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!”
“Damn, that’s awful!” says the bartender.
“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump.
It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his bum out of the window and let loose right on my head!”
The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on,
“But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off?
When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground.”
A nervous young lady sat on a dentist’s chair
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching
During a class recitation, the teacher asked the students to identify an animal whose name starts with the letter “K”.
Carl raised his hand and answered, “Kangaroo!”
“Very well”, the teacher said.
“What animal’s name begins with the letter “t”? Carl answered again, “Two Kangaroos!”
The teacher reprimanded the little boy for being gamey.
Then asks for other volunteers for his question, “What is the name of an animal that begins with letter “m”.
There was no response from the other kids.
So when Carl threw his right hand in the air, the teacher gave him a chance to recite.
“This better be correct, Carl.”
Carl smiles and whispers quietly, “Maybe a kangaroo?”
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
A old man came to his doctor office
I went to a Dynamo show the other day…
I went to a Dynamo show the other day with my mom and dad.
We were sat in the audience and Dynamo asked for a participant, and me being clever I stuck my arm up thinking he wouldn’t choose me.
“You there!”
Crap, so I walked on down and he said pass me your watch, now bare in mind this watch costed me £200 and that I had only bought it other day.
So he then placed into a handkerchief and then he smashed it with a small hammer.
“Crap! That wasn’t supposed to happen”
So I thought oh brilliant, how that’s £200 down the drain, he exclaimed his sincere apologies and told me to come him once the show was over, and so I waited nearly 2 hours before I then went backstage to see him where he was holding some donuts.
So I thought to myself, “donuts?”.
“Pick the middle one, and take a bite”
So I chose the middle one, took a bite and you know what was in it?
Jam
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A kid asks his father
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers.
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She’s lying.
She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.
My wife and I were sitting at a table
A man calls home to his wife
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.
He says to the other patrons, “Here’s the deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and insert my genitals.
The gator will close his mouth for one full minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed .
If it works everyone buys me drinks.”
All of the other patrons clap and cheer. It’s a deal.
So the guy opens the gator’s mouth. The gator closes its mouth.
After a minute, the guy grabs a bottle and smashes it to the gator’s head, he opens the mouth and removes his genitals unharmed.
Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says: “I’ll pay $100 to anyone else who’s willing to give it a try.”
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the room. It’s a woman.
“I’ll try.” She says. “But you have to promise not to hit me with the beer bottle after the minute is up.”
Two 90 year old men
3 sailors get stranded on an island
An old man is in the surgery, and he asks the doctor if there was any way he could find out if his wife was hard of hearing.
The doctor replied, “If she won’t come in for a hearing test, you could try talking to her when you get home.
If you get no response, then move a little closer and repeat what you’ve said.
If she doesn’t hear you at first, you can gauge just how deaf she is by how close you get, until she does hear.”
Armed with this information, he sets off home.
Opening the front door he notices his wife in the kitchen down the passageway, with her back to the door.
Closing the door quietly, he says to his wife, “Hi honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?”
He gets no response, so he moves a little closer and says again, “Hi honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?”
Still no response; so he enters the kitchen,and says, “Hi honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?”
Again she doesn’t respond, so he walks up to her touches her arm and says, “Hi honey, I’m home, what’s for dinner?”
With that she reels around and shouts at him, “Dangers and mash, for the fourth bang time, you deaf bastard!”
Two sisters blonde and brunette
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.
“Joe,” Bill said, “I’m glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house.”
“Things have been different with my wife,” Joe said.
“In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss.”
“How did you do that?” asked Bill.
“I simply said to her, ‘Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who the boss is in this relationship’.”
“What happened?”
“Well, I don’t want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees.”
“How did you do that?”
“I was hiding under the bed at the time.”
Two doctors were in a hospital
A husband went to a doctor to talk
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.”
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that Ask me again some other time.”
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I’ll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!”
Fred and Mary got married
Two women go out one night
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.
The kids start goofing around while she’s talking to the waitress.
The mom gets impatient and yells,
“Eddy! Stop that! Or else!” All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.
The waitress asks, “Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?”
“Yup,” says the woman.
“Makes it easier than trying to remember who’s who every damn time.”
“But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?” the waitress asks.
“Well, then I just call them by their last names.”
A guy went to a psychiatrist
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor
A dad walks into a market with his young son.
The boy is holding a quarter.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter.
Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman pulls the boy’s pants down, carefully takes hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely, saying,
“I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” she says, “Divorce attorney.”
The housewife was having her TV repaired
A wife wanted to surprise her husband
Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.
“What’s the matter?” asked Bill of his buddy.
“You look kind of down.”
“My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because it’s brief, unexpected and usually a disaster.”
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation
A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving to spend the holiday together.
The family gathers, but the couple’s children are late and the mother-in-law complains aloud:
“Ugh, your children, always late.”
Eventually, everyone comes and sits down to eat, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table and no one has the strength to argue with her.
After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain:
“Ugh, what’s with the food here, why is it always late?”
A few minutes later, the couple brings out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife.
Everyone eats and the evening continues.
While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says:
“Ugh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time.”
A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and almost hitting her.
Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself: “Ugh, this clock… always late.”
A new young blonde bride calls her mother
A 45 year old woman arrives home
A man went fishing one day.
He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.
Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.
But then he felt sorry for the snake.
He looked around the boat, but he had no food.
All he had was a bottle of bourbon.
So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.
The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.
With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
A young girl went to her family doctor
A huge guy marries a tiny girl
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead woman sitting at the next table.
He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.
“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks.
They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.
She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy was amazed everything had been so incredible!
“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday
A older man and young girlfriend