An Irishman’s been at a pub all night drinking.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed.
So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”
“How did you know?” he asks.
“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
A blonde and a brunette were discussing
A man went into a bank
A man goes into a cafe and sits down.
A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, “What’s the special of the day?”
“Chili,” she says, “but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl.”
The man says he’ll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it.
As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
“Are you going to eat your chili?” he asked.
“No, help yourself,” replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili.
When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl.
Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, “Yeah, that’s as far as I got, too.”
A old lady was stopped
The defense lawyer asks Sam
Grandpa was telling his young grandson what life was like when he was a boy.
“In the winter we’d ice skate on our pond.
In the summer we could swim in the pond, and pick berries in the woods.
We’d swing on an old tire my dad hung from a tree on a rope.
And we had a pony we rode all over the farm.”
The little boy was amazed,, and sat silently for a minute.
Finally, he said, “Granddad, I wish I’d gotten to know you a lot sooner!”
A couple were having an argument
A father put his daughter to bed
A man and his dog walk into a bar.
The man proclaims, “I’ll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.”
Bartender: “Yeah! Sure…go ahead.”
Man: “What covers a house?”
Dog: “Roof!”
Man: “How does sandpaper feel?”
Dog: “Rough!”
Man: “Who was the greatest ball player of all time?”
Dog: “Ruth!”
Man: “Pay up. I told you he could talk.”
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, “or is the greatest player Mantle?”
Two young men were out in the woods
Two Irishmen were talking
A man is waiting for wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant “Take another drink”!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, “Take another drink”!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”
A woman goes into a sporting goods store
A blonde walks into the police department
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied:
“I’m going to Las Vegas.”
He asked her why she was going.
She told him: “I just found out that as a woman I can make £400 a night doing what I give you for free.”
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said:
“And just where do you think you are going?”
“I’m going too!” he replied.
“Why?” she asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on £800 a year!”
Before & After Marriage
Death comes to collect a man soul
A merchant sent his son to learn the Secret of Happiness from the wisest of men.
The young man wandered through the desert for forty days until he reached a beautiful castle at the top of a mountain.
There lived the sage that the young man was looking for.
However, instead of finding a holy man, our hero entered a room and saw a great deal of activity; merchants coming and going, people chatting in the corners, a small orchestra playing sweet melodies, and there was a table laden with the most delectable dishes of that part of the world.
The wise man talked to everybody, and the young man had to wait for two hours until it was time for his audience.
With considerable patience, he listened attentively to the reason for the boy’s visit, but told him that at that moment he did not have the time to explain to him the Secret of Happiness.
He suggested that the young man take a stroll around his palace and come back in two hours’ time.
“However, I want to ask you a favor,” he added, handing the boy a teaspoon, in which he poured two drops of oil.
“While you walk, carry this spoon and don’t let the oil spill.”
The young man began to climb up and down the palace staircases, always keeping his eyes fixed on the spoon at the end of two hours he returned to the presence of the wise man.
“So,” asked the sage, “did you see the Persian tapestries hanging in my dining room? Did you see the garden that the Master of Gardeners took ten years to create? Did you notice the beautiful parchments in my library?”
Embarrassed, the young man confessed that he had seen nothing his only concern was not to spill the drops of oil that the wise man had entrusted to him.
“So, go back and see the wonders of my world,” said the wise man.
“You can’t trust a man if you don’t know his house.”
Now more at ease, the young man took the spoon and strolled again through the palace, this time paying attention to all the works of art that hung from the ceiling and walls.
He saw the gardens, the mountains all around the palace, the delicacy of the flowers, the taste with which each work of art was placed in its niche returning to the sage, he reported in detail all that he had seen.
“But where are the two drops of oil that I entrusted to you?” asked the sage.
Looking down at the spoon, the young man realized that he had spilled the oil.
“Well, that is the only advice I have to give you,” said the sage of sages.
“The Secret of Happiness lies in looking at all the wonders of the world and never forgetting the two drops of oil in the spoon.”
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai
Two men were traveling in company
Frank went to the gym as he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.
The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “loose 1kg guaranteed”, “loose 3 kg guaranteed”, “loose 5kg guaranteed” and “loose 10kg guarantees”.
However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.
He accepted the offer and the receptionist told him to wait at home.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
Frank opened the door to a hot girl standing with a sign around her neck saying “catch me and I’m yours”.
The girl took off and Frank went running after her for 10km.
Unable to catch, he went back home.
After the exhaustion wore off, he found that he lost 1 kg.
Delighted, he immediately went back to the gym and signed up for the 3kg package.
The next day, the doorbell rang again.
Frank opened the door to an even hotter girl, shirtless with the same sign.
Again, she took off and he ran after her. This time for 20km.
Frank was again unable to catch.
So he went home disappointed, until he found that he lost 3kg.
So again, he went back to the gym for round 3, 5kg.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
It was an even hotter girl, only wearing corset, thongs and running shoes with a sign, “catch me and I’m yours”.
He chased her until sunset, nearly catching her.
He went home excited.
Finding himself loosing 5kg, and that he’d catch the next one, maybe a completely undressed hot women.
He went to the gym for the 10kg package.
He turned around to find a buffed bodybuilder with a sign around his neck.
“Catch you, and you’re mine.”
Three Nuns Are Talking
One day, there were two boys
Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters .
So the first man went up to they’re father and said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said “no but you can sleep with the pigs.”
the second man went to the father and said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said ” no but you can sleep with the cows.”
the third man said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said “yes.”
so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said “I slept like a pig” the second man said “I slept like a cow” the third man said “I felt like a golfer” the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.
Girl melons got one size bigger
Three Nuns Are Talking
Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that reads: “Cow For Sale — $5,000.”
He pulls in and says to the farmer, “There’s no cow in the world worth $5,000.”
The farmer says, “Oh, yeah? Take a look at this.”
He lifts the cow’s tail and Harry sees that the cow has a snatch just like a woman.
Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife and says,
“It’s just not fair. Here’s this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it’s worth $5,000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you’re not worth shit.”
A old man told a grandson
A man joins the navy
A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the table in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2 inches in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was so the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly the pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full they agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar of course, the sand filled up the remaining open areas of the jar.
He then asked once more if the jar was full the students responded with a unanimous “Yes.”
“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter – like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else, the small stuff.”
“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks same goes for your life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children take your partner out dancing.
There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, or fix the disposal.”
“Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter set your priorities the rest is just sand.”
It was no ordinary watch
Hodja had a dream
An old man and an old woman are together every night.
They aren’t married, but for years and years they have spent every night together.
All they ever do is sit on the couch buck unclothed and watch TV while she holds his tool.
Every night, like clockwork, they do this sit on the couch watching TV while she holds his tool.
One night he doesn’t show up.
Then a second night goes by no show. She calls him up.
“Where you been?” “Oh … I’ve been down at what’s her name’s.” “What are you doing there?”
“Pretty much the same thing we do sitting unclothed on the couch watching TV while she holds my tool.”
“Well, what does she have that I don’t have?”
A mother was reading a book
A hot new secretary
An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, “Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…”
The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.”
So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.”
The wife says, “Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.”
The husband says, “No, I am sure it was a dream.”
She told her mother
A man and his wife were sitting
A man came home from work and settled down in his favorite chair in front of the TV and said to his wife “quick bring me a beer before it starts!”
She looks a little puzzled but brought him a beer When he finished it he said “Quick, bring me another beer it’s gonna start!”
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone he said “Quick! Get me another beer before it starts!”
“That’s it!” She blows her top “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down,
don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer!?
Don’t you realize I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long!?”
The husband sighed and said “oh shit, it’s started”
One day, a park ranger stopped by my house
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go
A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and grandpa got out.
The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.
“Morris,” said grandma, “you’ve been going to that park for over 30 years, how come you get lost today?”
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear, grandpa whispered,
“I wasn’t lost. I was just too tired to walk home.”
The court why you want a divorce
The husband called the wife on the phone
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.
She charged that he had called her a pig.
The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, “This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?”
The judge said that was true. “Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?” the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.”
A woman is bouncing on her bed
A student called up his Mom
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says,
“Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers,
“Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Thomas replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
One day he rushes into a lawyer
The junior executive had been complaining
Two hunters are in the woods in deer season.
The morning hunt over, they head back to camp together.
As they make their way along the path, they hear a loud crashing noise and look up to see a very large bear charging down a hillside.
Realizing simultaneously, that they are the bear’s intended targets, not to mention lunch, one of the hunters immediately takes off his back pack, drops to the ground and begins to change from his hunting boots to tennis shoes.
The other hunter bewildered asks “You don’t really think you can out run that bear do you?”
The first hunter replies, “No, but I can outrun you.”
Sarah parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend
A businessman is driving down
Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The blonde shouts, “fire!!”
A married man was having an affair
Two little boys go into the grocery store
Little Johnny’s teacher was giving a lesson in developing logical thinking.
“This is the scene”, said the teacher.
“A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.”
He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank.
Why do you think she ran to the bank?
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked,
“To draw out all his savings”?
A man and his wife enter a dentist
A couple were having some problems
A scientist is asked by the government to create the first teleporter.
Knowing that this will be an incredibly hard task, the scientist devotes every day to the task, until they have created the teleporter.
First, the scientist discovers that titanium and sulfur, when combined create a metal that would make a great base and projector for the teleporter, so they write it down as “TiS”.
Next, the scientist works on movement thought the teleporter.
The formula they use for this is the mass of the object and the quantity of electrons.
For this they write down “me”.
Finally, the scientist needs to create a material for the actual portal.
After much dedication, the scientist discovers that boron, iridium, thorium, deuterium, alpha particles and yttrium, when combined, created a substance that allows for the movement of objects through space.
When the scientist first observed this, they couldn’t believe their eyes, they called it witch craft.
But after much testing, they send it the final formula for teleportation back to the government.
The formula the government recieved was this:
TiS me BIrThDαY!
They were latter arrested for wasting time of important government figures
Haggling over a pricing structure
3 Archers are competing at a contest
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything,
including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.
They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived.
Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.
Finally one of them said,
“I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there.
Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!”
The partner agreed to do that.
About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
“What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced,
“They were twins and mine died!”
Tax his land, tax his wage
A teacher told her young class
One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.
One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it.
The other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked.
The two boys were looking at a woman bathing undressed in the stream.
All of a sudden, the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend, “My mom told me if I ever saw a undressed lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard.
Frank went to the gym
I was waiting on the sofa
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying a bill,
So he asked his blonde secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14% how much would you take off?” he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
A older man walked into a jewelery store
Two elderly ladies had been friends
One day Nasreddin Hodja quarrelled with his wife.
He shouted at her till she could not bear it and fled to her neighbor’s house
The Hodja followed her there.
The neighbors managed to placate the angry husband and served the couple tea and sweetmeats.
When they returned to their house some time later, they began quarreling again.
When Nasreddin began shouting at her, his wife again opened the door to run out.
“This time, go to the baker’s house,” he advised
“He makes delicious cakes.”
The newlyweds returned from their honeymoon
Divorce Agreement
A man went fishing one day.
He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.
Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.
But then he felt sorry for the snake.
He looked around the boat, but he had no food.
All he had was a bottle of bourbon.
So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.
The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.
With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
A young girl went to her family doctor
A huge guy marries a tiny girl
Two lawyers, Jon and Ethan, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf.
Jon offers Ethan a $50 bet.
Ethan agrees and they’re off.
They shoot a great game.
After the 8th hole, Ethan is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
“Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he says to Jon.
After a few minutes, neither has any luck.
Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Ethan secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.
“I’ve found my ball!” he announces.
“After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together,”
Jon says, “you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?”
“What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”
“And you’re a liar, too!” Jon says.
“I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”
Death comes to collect a man soul
Predicting the weather
A man and his son were once going with their donkey to market.
As they were walking along by his side a countryman passed them and said,
“You fools, what is a donkey for but to ride upon?”
So the man put the boy on the donkey, and they went on their way.
But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said, “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”
So the man ordered his boy to get off, and got on himself.
But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other, shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.
Well, the man didn’t know what to do, but at last he took his boy up before him on the donkey.
By this time they had come to the town, and the passersby began to jeer and point at them.
The man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at.
The men said, “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours, you and your hulking son?”
The man and boy got off and tried to think what to do.
They thought and they thought, until at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders.
They went along amid the laughter of all who met them until they came to a bridge, when the donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the boy to drop his end of the pole.
In the struggle the donkey fell over the bridge, and his forefeet being tied together, he was drowned.
Try to please everyone, and you will please no one.
Three Kids Are Arguing About
A photographer from a well known
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist,
“May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?” She is shocked.
“Why would you want something like that?”
The man calmly tells her, I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover.
The pharmacist is now horrified.
She said, “I can not possibly give you that.
It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!”
At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having bed time with the pharmacist’s husband.
She examines it then looks up at him.
“Oh. I didn’t know you had a prescription.”
Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather
A guy meet his friends for drink
A young blonde lady went on a tour trip on an old steam train that took the passengers through mountains and tunnels.
As the train approached a tunnel, the conductor hurriedly walked through the coaches warning passengers,
“Tunnel ahead. Look out!”
The blonde quickly stuck her head out the window, and her forehead met with the concrete entrance of the tunnel.
After being revived 15 minutes later, the blonde’s words were, “That stupid son of a b!tch he should have told me to look in!”
John goes to the deli for some soup
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender