“How can I know the best way to act in life?” the disciple asked the master.
The master asked him to build a table.
The disciple drove in the nails with three precise blows.
One nail, however, struck a hard spot and the disciple needed to deliver one more blow – which drove in the nail too deep all the way into the wood.
“Your hand was used to three blows of the hammer,” said the master.
“You had so much trust in what you did that you lost your attention and skill.”
“When action becomes a mere habit it loses its meaning and may end up causing harm, so never let routine be in command of your movements.”
After a long sermon
A young man walks into a supermarket
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.
“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants.
I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.
They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.
I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’
Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”
Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.
Then, Jill took off her underwear and gave them to Brian.
“Try these on,” she said.
Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.
“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your underwear,” said Brian.
“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
A drunken man walked into a bar
A young sailor was sitting in a bar
Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night. Look at that moon!”
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend.
“You are wrong. That’s not the moon; that’s the sun!”
Both continued arguing for awhile when they came upon another drunk walking along.
So they stopped him and said, “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”
The third drunk look at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”
A blonde goes to the post office
A woman was very distraught
Bill’s second Anniversary was coming up and if there was one thing that got his wife Suzy upset, it was not getting a thoughtful gift on a special occasion.
Bill quizzed all his friends, co workers, clients and anyone he happened to bump into, as to what would be a good anniversary present.
He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers.
Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, Bill called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest most beautiful bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note “Happy Anniversary Year Number Two!”
The morning of the Anniversary Bill made sure Suzy would be the one to answer the door as he waited anxiously in the other room.
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!”
Hollered Suzy angrily holding up his well thought out note, “Happy Anniversary You’re Number Two!”
Harry and Sam were going for a stroll
A drunk man walks out of a bar
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked.
The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.
He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
“There are no discounts.
The price is still $10,000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs after an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?”
The man replied, “St Louis.”
“Really,” she said.
“I have family in St Louis.”
“I know,” the man said.
“Your sister died, and I am her lawyer.
She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.”
A hotel guest calls the front desk
A circuit-riding preacher trained his horse
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,
“I’ll have a C monkey please.”
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that’ll be $5000.”
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,
“That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?”
The shopkeeper answered,
“Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.
“That one’s even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?”
“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object – oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,”
said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own.
The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper,
“That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?”
The shopkeeper replied,
“Well, I haven’t actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager.”
Woman v/s Umbrella Thief
Drunkard Mick & Paddy
A 5-years-old was visiting his grandmother.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting.
He looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?”
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me fell good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”
When grandma turned on the TV, the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandmas’ Minister.
The Minister said “hello son is your grandma home?”
The little boy replied, “Yeah she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend”
The Minister fainted.
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner
A gentleman wife is planning on dinner party
A 72-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing “fairly well” for his age.
A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn’t resist asking the doctor,
“Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
The doctor asked,
“Well, do you smoke or drink beer?”
“Oh no,” Edgar replied, “I’ve never done either.”
Then the doctor asked,
“Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barb-qued ribs?”
Edgar said, “No, I’ve heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?” the doctor asked.
“No, I don’t,” Edgar replied.
Then the doctor asked,
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?”
“No,” Edgar said,
“I don’t do any of those things.”
The good doctor looked at Edgar and said,
“Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?”
The 6th-grade science teacher
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail
During the Ice Age many animals died because of the cold.
Seeing this situation, the porcupines decided to group together, so they wrapped up well and protected one another.
But they hurt one another with their thorns, and so then they decided to stay apart from one another.
They started to freeze to death again.
So they had to make a choice: either they vanished from the face of the earth or they accepted their neighbor’s thorns.
They wisely decided to stay together again.
They learned to live with the small wounds that a very close relationship could cause, because the most important thing was the warmth given by the other and in the end they survived.
A lion was feeling very hungry
A man knocked at his Bedouin
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knocking’!
There’s no paper on this side either!”
One night a lady came home
Mother superior tells two new nuns
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How should I know?” the man answers, “I’m not a lawyer!”
A man walks into the psychiatrist
A woman went to her dentist
The real estate boss got a hot new secretary.
Afraid of make love annoyance issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her.
But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her.
“Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”
Looking him in the eyes, she replied, “My lawyer!”
A old man and old woman are together
Three women are about to be executed
An old man and an old woman are together every night.
They aren’t married, but for years and years they have spent every night together.
All they ever do is sit on the couch buck unclothed and watch TV while she holds his tool.
Every night, like clockwork, they do this sit on the couch watching TV while she holds his tool.
One night he doesn’t show up.
Then a second night goes by no show. She calls him up.
“Where you been?” “Oh … I’ve been down at what’s her name’s.” “What are you doing there?”
“Pretty much the same thing we do sitting unclothed on the couch watching TV while she holds my tool.”
“Well, what does she have that I don’t have?”
A mother was reading a book
A hot new secretary
Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, the boss left work early.
One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, had some playtime with her son and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband.
But when she got home, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside her bedroom.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said they planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way,” she said, “I almost got caught yesterday!”
A co-worker told John
A female reporter was conducting an interview
It was a little boy’s first day in school and a teacher was going to play a “guessing” game.
She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.
When it was the new boy, Kenny’s turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss.
She asked “Do you know what it is?”
Kenny replied “No”
The teacher said, “Go ahead and open it up and taste it.”
Little Kenny did so.
The teacher then asked, “Now do you know what it is?”
Little Kenny said “No.”
The teacher said, “I”ll give you a hint it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work.”
A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams “KENNY, SPIT IT OUT… IT’S A PIECE OF BUM.”
A couple on their first night
Johnny went to the store with his grandmother
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”
The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
A guy walks into a bar
A police officer attempts to stop
A woman went shopping.
At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse:
He could not control his curiosity and ask.
“Do you always carry your TV remote with you?”
She replied. “No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote.”
The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that the lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act. She asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said. “Your husband has blocked your credit card.”
A old man goes to his doctor
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and grandpa got out.
The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.
“Morris,” said grandma, “you’ve been going to that park for over 30 years, how come you get lost today?”
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear, grandpa whispered,
“I wasn’t lost. I was just too tired to walk home.”
The court why you want a divorce
The husband called the wife on the phone
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl
She was just like my mother you were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Thomas replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
Two young guys appear in court
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo
Three old ladies Gertrude, Maude and Tilly – were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.
Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the park.
He was holding his coat together with his hands and didn’t seem to be wearing anything underneath it.
The young man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat in one quick motion, revealing his undressed body.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn’t quite reach that far.
A Zen student said to his teacher
A old man is eating his lunch
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said,”When i get to heaven i will ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
The pastor found a pink envelope
A guy is reading his paper when his wife
A man has been drinking all day at a bar.
Late at night, he suddenly checks his clock.
“1:30 am, darn. I need to go home now or the wife’s going to kill me,” he says to the bartender.
But as he’s trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.
“I’m just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up.”
So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again he falls to the floor, this time even harder.
At this point, he realizes this won’t work, but he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house.
After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his blissfully sleeping wife and passes out.
The next morning his wife wakes him up, not kindly.
“So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?”
The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home, so he tries to play it cool: “Not really, just hanging with some coworkers we didn’t drink much just a couple of beers.”
His wife starts nodding understandably: “Ah ha, makes sense.”
She starts to turn and then stops and turns back to him:
“Oh, by the way, the bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair’s there, idiot.”
A man hankering after some chili
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times.
After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, “Who are you?”
The fat man replied, “I am a genie you have freed from that lamp.”
Dylan questioned, “Oh man, do I get three wishes?”
The genie replied, “Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one.”
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, “I want to be the best golfer ever.”
The surprised genie said, “You sure?
Most people wish for money, but okay.
Now your wife gets one wish.”
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, “I want a million dollars every week of my life.”
The genie said, “Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I’ve been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan.”
Dylan said, “No way!”
The genie replied, “Not even for a million dollars a week?”
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, “I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves.”
Dylan said, “Okay, have fun, I guess,” and left.
Dylan’s wife then proceeded to have wild make love for the rest of the day with the genie.
When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, “Forty-five.”
The Genie laughed and said, “Isn’t he a little old to be believing in genies?”
Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner
They each go into the woods find a bear
A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?”
The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.”
The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?”
The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your sister.”
A mother comes home from work
A man and a woman are sleeping
This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what?
You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side…
You know what?” “What dear,” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck..
I wake up and my dog is with a rabbit in her mouth
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital
Sometimes your biggest weakness can become your biggest strength.
Take, for example, the story of one 10-year-old boy who decided to study judo despite the fact that he had lost his left arm in a devastating car accident.
The boy began lessons with an old Japanese judo master.
The boy was doing well, so he couldn’t understand why, after three months of training the master had taught him only one move.
“Sensei,” the boy finally said, “Shouldn’t I be learning more moves?”
“This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you’ll ever need to know,” the sensei replied.
Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy kept training.
Several months later, the sensei took the boy to his first tournament surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two matches.
The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became impatient and charged; the boy deftly used his one move to win the match.
Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in the finals.
This time, his opponent was bigger, stronger, and more experienced for a while, the boy appeared to be over matched.
Concerned that the boy might get hurt, the referee called a time-out.
He was about to stop the match when the sensei intervened.
“No,” the sensei insisted, “Let him continue.”
Soon after the match resumed, his opponent made a critical mistake: he dropped his guard Instantly, the boy used his move to pin him.
The boy had won the match and the tournament he was the champion.
On the way home, the boy and sensei reviewed every move in each and every match.
Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what was really on his mind.
“Sensei, how did I win the tournament with only one move?”
“You won for two reasons,” the sensei answered.
“First, you’ve almost mastered one of the most difficult throws in all of judo and second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent to grab your left arm.”
The boy’s biggest weakness had become his biggest strength.
One young academically excellent person
Whispering firmly to the dying man
“Follow me son”, the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people
The father added, “First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Now we eat everybody.”
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!”
The king of a small African nation
Nasruddin Hodja had a buffalo
A teacher asks a student:
“What kind of woman would you like to be with when you’re all grown up?”
“A woman like the moon!” Answers the kid.
“That’s beautiful,” breathes the teacher, “what a choice! Because you’d like her to be beautiful and radiant like the moon?”
“No, I’d like her to appear at night and disappear come morning!”
Three nuns who had recently died
Two Irish nuns have just arrived
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.
All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, “George, everything looks great.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?”
George replies, “God and I are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!
The light goes on.
When I’m done, poof! the light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George’s wife.
“Ethel,” he says, “George is doing fine!
But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof! the light goes off?”
Oh my God!” Ethel exclaims.
“He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Juan comes up to the border on his bicycle
He breaks into a house to look for money
Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences.
The first man said, “my wife was reading a “tale of two cities” and she gave birth to twins”
“That’s funny”, the second man remarked, “my wife was reading ‘the three musketeers’ and she gave birth to triplets”
The third man shouted, “Good God, I have to rush home!”
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, ” When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves”!!!
Two men are in a doctor office
Two small boys