jokes

“Why do we have to wear seatbelts on planes? Has there ever been a time when an air crash investigator has viewed a plane crash scene and said, if only they were wearing seatbelts.”

“I was getting money out of the ATM earlier and it asked me if I wanted an ‘Advice slip’ with my cash, so I hit yes…. Out came a note saying ‘stop using the benefit system to fund your crack habit’”

“My Dad’s suggestion to fight fire with fire turned out to be very bad Advice indeed. I guess I should have learnt not to trust him after the incident where I used paper to defend myself from rocks.”

“INVESTMENT TIP If you purchased 1,000 of Bradford & Bingley ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 0 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of HBOS, ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 87 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of Northern Rock ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 0 left … Read more

“A man walks into a lawyer’s office and asks, “How much would it be to ask you three questions?” The attorney answered, “$500.” “Holy cow!” the man replied, “That’s a bit steep, isn’t it?” “No.” said the attorney. “What’s your third question?””

“How to write a successful joke: For a joke to be successful, one must consider the various discourses of humour, especially pertaining to the various genres of comedy that exist. One must also consider the various synonyms of the vocabulary used in the joke and the intended meaning of the word (versus the normal usage … Read more

Advice to poor People/Council House tenants -disguise the fact that your property needs expensive external cladding work by covering the whole of your house with St George’s Flags

I’ve come up with a great way to come up with money. Find yourself a blonde girl and say “I bet you 10 that I can sing a song with anybody’s name in it, you can choose the name”. At which point she’ll agree and choose a name. You’ll then sing “Happy Birthday” with whichever … Read more

There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman sentenced to beheading by guillotine. This Englishman was brought out first and as the blade fell towards his neck it got stuck. Tradition was that if this happened then they had to let him free so the Englishman was saved. Next they brought the Scotsman out … Read more

When in ASDA buying grapes, take one grape to the “serve yourself” till. When it is weighed it won’t register on the scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure a hundred times or so, and hey, presto! You have yourself a free bunch of grapes.