jokes

“My wife phoned me at work today. “On your way home, can you call at the shop and get me some Tamp ax?” “I take it it’s started again then.” I sighed. I hate having to put up with her nosebleeds.”

I remember when I was younger, I was confused about girls so I approached my dad and I said to him “Dad, how should I treat women?” My dad’s answer has enlightened the rest of my life. “To their face or behind their back?” Thanks, dad.

“To all those failing businesses out there who say, “I can’t afford to advertise because I’ve not got enough work in.”- That’s like saying, “I can’t afford to get this terminal brain tumor removed because I’m saving up for a holiday in 3 years.”” 

“I was standing at the bus stop with my mate and with this old lady last night waiting for the bus to arrive. Suddenly, the old dear caught the hiccups. She tried her best to ignore it, but i could see it in her eyes that she found them annoying and quite painful for her … Read more

Top Tip for alcoholics. Drink as much as you like on long haul flights and don’t worry about being over the limit when you drive home from the airport – the time Difference will have taken care of that.”

“Here’s a piece of Advice for you. If you’re sitting there in your house with 300 worth of marijuana, and the police are knocking at the door, there is one thing you should definitely not do… Try to burn the evidence.”

“What’s the point of Advice slips at cashpoints? All they say is “You haven’t got any money.” Advice would be for them to say “Look, mate, I know you’re skin, but my brother has just won a few bob on the dArts; I expect he’d lend you some money till pay day if you give … Read more

Excuse me if I sound rude, but if your greatest achievement in the world of work has been getting a job as a careers advisor, then the very last thing I would ever want from you is Advice on my career.

“For people who suffer from a sweaty face in the hot season… You can spray regular deodorant on your face to help reduce the problem. Just make sure you keep your eyes open so you can see where you are spraying it.”

“I don’t get most of the jokes on here recently and you English can’t even spell properly it’s remotely you idiots. America.————————– Please a) take note of the following grammatical and structural corrections: “I DON’T get most of the jokes THAT HAVE BEEN POSTED on here recently and you English CAN’T even spell properly: IT’S … Read more