A man knocked at his Bedouin friend’s door to ask him a favor:
“I want you to lend me four thousand dinars because I have a debt to pay can you do that for me?”
The friend asked his wife to gather together everything they had of value, but even so it was not enough.
They had to go out and borrow money from the neighbors until they managed to get the full amount.
When the man left, the woman noticed that her husband was crying.
“Why are you sad? Now that we’ve got ourselves in debt with our neighbors, are you afraid we won’t be able to repay them?”
“Nothing of the sort! I’m crying because he is someone I love so much, but even so I had no idea he was in need.
“I only remembered him when he had to knock on my door to ask me for a loan.”
The porcupines decided to group
Two hunters from Moscow charter
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I didn’t have any clothes with me.”
I asked again: “Matty, are you sure you did not have an accident?”
“No,” he replied. I just knew that he must have because the smell was getting worse.
Sooooo… I asked one more time: “Matty, did you have an accident?”
Stopped by an old gentleman Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!”
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.
Johnny went to confession
A doctor drives by a small town
John and his wife are getting ready for bed.
The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
“You know love,” she says,
“I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my melons are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.”
She turns to John and says,
“Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice.
“Well… there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
A old couple in an old folks home
Little Sally asked her dad
A woman with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend.
They make love for hours, and afterward they’re just lying there, enjoying the nearness of each other.
The phone rings, and because it’s the woman’s house, she reaches over and picks up the receiver.
Her lover looks over and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.
She is speaking in a cheery voice. “Hello? Oh, hi! So glad you called. Really. That’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great! Thanks! Okay. Buh-bye.”
She hangs up the phone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh,” she replies, ” that was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
A couple was invited to a swanky masked
A man and his wife went to bed
One day, a park ranger stopped by my house and knocked on the door.
I opened it, and he came inside. He asked me if I had heard of the recent shortage of bears in the park, to which I denied. He asked me a few more questions and then went on his way.
A few hours later he came back with a warrant to search my home.
He went into my bedroom and looked under the bed. He pulled out a wooden trunk and asked for the key.
Confused, I gave it to him. He opened it up and found my storage of bear parts, specifically limbs.
Flabbergasted, he arrested me and took me to the police station.
I guess he didn’t believe in my right to bear arms
A couple was walking down their street
A man came home from work
A young man sees her and eagerly approaches offering to get her a drink.
Annoyed, she says “A drink? Yeah right, as if… And very original, like I’ve never been offered a drink before. Not even a pick up line? You think you just see a woman and you have the right to just walk up and bother her!? Why would I let someone like you get me a drink?
“Well, because…” He said… “I’m your waiter.”
A doctor and engineer were in love with same woman
The owner of a company tells his employees
A cowboy rode into a windy, dusty, tumble weed strewn Nevada town, reined up outside the saloon, went in and ordered a double bourbon.
The saloon was full of locals but what this cowboy did not know was that this town was a haven for thieves and rouges.
Having finished his drink he exited only to find that his horse had been stolen.
He returned inside to the bar and ordered another double bourbon.
With the speed of greased lightning he drew his gun and sent it spinning into the air above his head, caught it effortlessly without looking up and fired a single shot into the ceiling.
The saloon fell deathly silent.
He announce to all and sundry that if his horse was not returned in the next three minutes then he would have to do what he had done down there in Texas.
He added, “I really do not want to do what I had had to do down there in Texas, no sir, I do not want to have to do that, no sir, I do not!”
He finished his drink; checked his gun; then his time piece.
The three minutes were up.
He exited again and there was his horse back where he had left it.
He mounted up, turned and started to move off when the bartender came running up to him and asked, “Hey partner tell me, tell me, what was it that you had to do down there in Texas? What was it that you didn’t want to have to do here? What was it? Tell me please.”
The cowboy stared at him with a long withering look and then said- “I had to walk home!”
A Salt Lake pheasant hunter
How Men Came To Wear Earrings
A brief summary of Tolstoy’s “How Much Land Does a Man Need?”
The main character is a man named Pahom.
At the beginning of the story, he is a peasant farmer, a man of humble means who lives a decent life.
But, after his sister-in-law has bragged that city folk have a much better life than country peasants, Pahom bemoans the fact that he does not own land.
He states that “if I had plenty of land, I shouldn’t fear the Devil himself!”
Little does he know that the Devil is sitting close by and listening.
The Devil says: “All right! We shall see about that I’ll give you land enough; and by means of that land I will get you into my power.”
Shortly thereafter, Pahom manages to buy some land from a lady in his village.
He works hard, makes a profit and is able to pay off his debts and live a more comfortable life.
But he is not satisfied and, after a peasant told him about the opportunity to own more land, he moves to a larger area of land.
Pahom grows more crops and amasses a small fortune, but it is still not content.
Now another character tells him of another opportunity to own more land.
Pahom hears (from a tradesman) about the Bashkirs, a simple people who own a huge amount of land deep in Central Asia.
After a long trek, Pahom meets the Bashkirs on the vast steppe.
He is prepared to negotiate a price for as much land as possible, but before he can do so, the Bashkirs make him a very unusual offer, the same one that they make to anyone who wishes to buy land from them.
For one thousand rubles (a large sum in those days), Pahom can buy as much land as he can walk around in one day.
He has to start at daybreak and mark his route with a shovel at key points along the way.
The barber cut his hair the priest
A drunken stranger
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.
On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, “Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?”
“Why do you want me to throw them at you?”
“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”
“Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy.”
“But why?”
“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.”
A elderly man goes into confession
little Timmy made a wish that Santa
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he’d heard recently.
Everybody laughed loudly.
Everybody, that is, except Mike.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, “What’s the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?”
“My sense of humor is fine,” he said.
“But I don’t have to laugh. I’m quitting tomorrow.”
Mrs Potts went to the doctor
A group of young children were sitting
A young Redhead goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible”, says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”
“No, ” she says, ” I’m actually a Blonde.”
“I thought so, the doctor says. “Your finger is broken.”
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat
A husband and wife were debating
Once there was a young man whose friends made fun of him for not being good at anything.
As time passes by, the young man loses self esteem and spends more and more nights crying in bed.
But suddenly a geenie appears and grants him one wish.
The man has the perfect wish right away; and tells the geenie that he wished to be able to walk on water.
The next morning, he wants to try his new ability and visits the local swimming pool.
And indeed, it works, the man is mind blown. He’s so happy and thankful to finally have a real ability.
His friends won’t no longer make fun of him.
But then, one of his friends swims by and spots him there standing on the water surface.
He bursts out laughing and shouts: -Look at him, swimming he can’t either!
Two drunks are talking in a bar
A chemist comes back from his lunch break
A man visited the doctor.
“Doctor, I have terrible flatulence, I have it all the time.”
“Please undress so I can examine you,” said the doctor picking up a long pole with a brass hook on the end.
“My goodness doctor what are you going to do with that!” yelled the man.
The doctor smiled and said: I’m just going to open the window up there.
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar
A man went to his doctor and told
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude.?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
A drunk stumbled out the door
Joan invited some people to dinner
He goes to his local priest to see if he has an answer.
The boy presents the question and the priest is completely at a loss of words.
The question is so challenging that he could not give an answer.
Unwilling to let the boy go unsatisfied without an answer, the priest takes the boy to a local bishop that knows even more about religion than the priest.
The boy approaches the bishop and asks him the same question again, the bishop has no answer that will satisfy.
The parties seeing that the boy is getting discouraged that no one can answer the question the bishop sends the boy directly to the Vatican to talk to the pope.
This pope was very popular among the people and he knew everything, he was so smart they called him Pope The Wise.
The boy walks up to the pope and asks him the question.
The pope begins to answer but then gets choked up and realized that not even he has the answer for the question.
As all hope was just about to be lost, an old nun walks into the room.
The nun asks the boy to ask her this famous question and the boy does.
The nun formulates the most perfect answer to the boys question.
Almost everyone rejoices and all is good.
Except the pope looks a little upset.
He exclaims “This is impossible! Explain to me how a simple nun could be smarter than me! Pope The Wise?!”
But she was Nun The Wiser.
Friendship
A man who worked for the post office
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well… uh… that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second guy smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks,
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
A motorcycle police officer
A man had a parrot of which
A young couple were on their honeymoon.
The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.”
And she says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
Three women are about to be executed
A father and his son go grocery store
A man’s car stalled on a country road one morning.
When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.
“Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer.
The amazed man told the farmer his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh! I wouldn’t listen to Bessie,” said the farmer.
“She doesn’t know a thing about cars.”
A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert
A man spitting and cussing on a corner
Tim, Tom, and Teddy were all lost in the forest, each of them had 25 cents to survive.
They walked around for hours, and had no luck.
So Tim suggested that they split up and meet up at that same spot in an hour,
they all agreed and set out on their separate ways.
While walking Tim came across a tool taste it machine, that cost 25 to use, and he says,
“Wow! Haven’t got my tool taste it in a while! Why not!” So he puts in his quarter, gets his tool taste it and continues on his way.
Then while Tom was walking he comes across it as well, he realized they only had 10 minutes until they were to all meet up again, so he says,
“Well I haven’t got my tool taste it in a while, why not?”
so he puts in his quarter and gets his tool taste it, after gathering himself he realizes he needed to hurry back , he gets there and Tom and Teddy are waiting for him.
“Where were you?” asked Teddy.
“Lost track of time.” Said Tom
“Well does everyone have their quarters?” Asks Teddy.
They all share a look. “Well?” asks Teddy.
“I lost mine!” Said Tim and Tom at the same time.
Teddy then smiles and pulls out 3 quarters.
One day there was this little girl watching TV
Anant went to his friend’s house
An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting. ”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.”
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church
A elderly couple who had just celebrated
A beautiful, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane.
The lady said to him “Can you help me remove something from my corset please?”
‘The exciting young man replied, “Wow! It will be my pleasure……. So what is it?”
“Your Eyes, idiot!”
Two Irishmen were talking
Two drunks are driving down the highway
Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The blonde shouts, “fire!!”
A married man was having an affair
Two little boys go into the grocery store
A man finds a lamp.
He rubs it and a Genie emerges.
The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes.
The man thinks for a moment and says, “First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.”
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled.
The man is thrilled and continues to drink.
The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, “And what about your other two wishes?”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Give me two more just like this one!”
A waiter brings the customer the steak
A man walks into the psychiatrist
An blonde girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
“How many children?” asks the council worker.
“10” replies the blonde girl.
“10???” says the council worker.. “What are their names?”
“Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne”
“Doesn’t that get confusing?”
“Naah…” says the blonde girl “its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER’S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it…”
“What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the perturbed council worker.
“That’s easy,” says the girl… “I just use their surnames”
A elderly woman went into the doctor
The doctor came out and said
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate.
His orders were clear no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.
A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”
The general said, “Drive on!”
The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.”
The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!”
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”
A husband and wife went to marriage Councillor
A woman announces to her friend
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry!” she said.
“Stand in the corner.”
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered.
“Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, its just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly.
“The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the ‘statue’, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith’s for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water”.
She was in bed with her boyfriend
A old couple are sitting
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”
Two elderly ladies have been friends
Two doctors were in a hospital
An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing.
Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs.
When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, and goes back to her knitting.
Her husband, puzzled, asks, “What was that for?”
She replied, “That was for 50 years of bad make love.”
He goes back to his newspaper, but a few minutes later, he looks at his wife and whacks her across the head.
The wife, also puzzled asks him, “What was that for?”
Not looking up from his newspaper, the husband answers, “That is for knowing the difference.”
A older couple were lying in bed
A couple in their nineties were both having problems
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
“I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.
He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
“Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner’s wife.
He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man after another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is lovemaking around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your underclothes before I take it to the blind man.”
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork as the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
“Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here.
She opened the door to see a well
Elderly ranchers were enjoying breakfast
A man comes home with his little daughter,
whom he has just taken to work.
The little girl asks,
“I saw you in your office with your secretary.
Why do you call her a doll?”
Feeling his wife’s gaze upon him, the man explains,
“Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl.
She types like you wouldn’t believe,
she knows the computer system and is very efficient.”
“Oh,” says the little girl,
“I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch.”
Innocent Babies Conversation
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry