Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City.
He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.
“Wh-what are you doing?!” sputtered Mr. Johnson.
“I specifically booked this seat!
Why aren’t you sitting in your seat?!”
The blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blonde’s ticket out of her hand. It was for the middle seat.
“Your ticket says you’re supposed to be sitting in this middle seat!” he shouted.
“I specifically booked this aisle seat because I’m six-foot-five and I hate the cramped spaces of airplane seats! Meanwhile, you don’t seem to be any taller than five-foot-one. You should be able to handle the middle seat just fine!”
He showed the blonde his ticket to prove that he had, indeed, booked the aisle seat.
Again, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
“You’d better listen to that guy,” said the woman sitting in the window seat.
“I once dated a guy who was six-foot-one, four inches shorter than that guy, and he always sat in the aisle seat because he hated the cramped spaces.”
For the third time, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Mr. Johnson was now furious.
He told a nearby flight attendant about the blonde in his seat.
The flight attendant whispered something in the blonde’s ear, and the blonde sheepishly moved into the middle seat.
A relieved Mr. Johnson sat in the aisle seat.
As soon as the plane had landed, Mr. Johnson asked the flight attendant, “What did you tell that woman?”
“I told her that the aisle seat wasn’t going to New York City.”
A blonde walks into a bank
George raises his beer mug
Two old guys, one 80 and the other 87 were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So on the way home the 80-year-old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “do you have any rye bread?”
She said, “yes, would you like some?”
The old guy said, yes, 5 loaves please.”
She said, “my goodness 5 loaves! By the time you get to the third loaf, it’ll be hard.”
The old man says to himself, I can’t believe everybody knows about this!
A horse a cow and a chicken live on a farm
Two old women were sitting on a bench
“Mom, Dad, sit down. I have something very important to tell you,” said Samantha, upon her return home from college after graduation.
“I met a guy who lives near the college that I really like and we decided we are going to get married!”
“Oh Samantha! I am so happy for you!”
Gushed her Mom giving her a big hug, “I hope you two will be really happy together! I can’t wait to meet him!”
“Tell us more about him” said her Dad, “does he have any money?”
“Oh Dad! Is that all you men ever think about? That was the first question he asked me about you too!”
Sam showed up in court together
A wife was sitting peacefully
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered “Hello?”
“Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him? ” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
“Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
“Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
“Is there anyone there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there? ” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle.
A poor boy who was selling goods
He shot and dropped a bird
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying a bill,
So he asked his blonde secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14% how much would you take off?” he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
A older man walked into a jewelery store
Two elderly ladies had been friends
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.
He looks up from the page and says to her, “Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves peak?”
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, “Oh yeah? Why don’t you prove it.”
He frowns for a moment, then says, “Okay.”
He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, “Well I’m sure the cow and sheep didn’t, but the way that pig’s always squealing, how can you tell?”
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter
This married couple was sitting
Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, “I was cleaning the Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!”
“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.
“Well, of course I threw them in the trash.”
The second nun said, “Well, I can top that, I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of protection!”
“Oh my!” gasped the other nuns.
“What did you do?” they asked.
“I poked h*les in all of them,” she replied.
The third nun said, “Oh shit!”
The doctor entered the room and advised
Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher
A man boarded a plane with six kids and got settled into their seats.
A woman sitting across the aisle leans over and says, “Excuse me sir but are these your kids?”
To which he replied, “No, I work for a company that manufactures rubber pack.
And these are customer complaints.”
A husband sends a text to his wife
A kid says to his mother
A man from Ireland was on a bus tour of the United States.
As the bus traveled for miles and miles through desert landscape and oil fields, he asked the guide: “Where are we now?”
The guide said proudly: “We’re in the great state of Texas.”
“It’s certainly big,” mused the Irishman.
“It’s so big,” added the guide, “that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it.”
“Yes,” smiled the Irishman, “and wouldn’t it do wonders for Texas!”
A couple were driving home
A young couple just married
If you’re ever feeling a bit too sure of yourself after drinking, just think back on this story!
A wife goes out for the night with her girlfriends just before she leaves, she assures her husband that she won’t be home any later than midnight: “I promise, honey.”
Unfortunately, that night happened to be ladies’ night, which meant the c*cktails were only half the usual price.
She had a great time, and before she knew it it had gotten really late.
As she finally arrives home, she closes the door just a little too loudly behind her. She quickly checks her watch.
Damn, it’s almost 3 o’clock in the night.
I probably woke up my husband with the slamming door and now he’s gonna hear the cuckoo-clock strike three.
Wait, I got it, I’ll wait here for the clock to strike and then add 9 extra cuckoos.
He’ll think it’s just 12 o’clock!
She does exactly as planned. As the hour strikes, she performs the extra cuckoos with the skill of an absolute master.
She goes to bed feeling satisfied that her little scam had worked – even totally drunk she had managed to avoid a fight.
Mick Says To Paddy
The Hunter And A Bear
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge.
He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent.
Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,
“Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world. Port, on the other hand, makes me fart.”
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks
A drunk comes stumbling into a bar
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift.
“I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie theater for the latest superhero saga with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
“Well dear, what was it like being eight again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
” I meant my dress size,you idiot!!!”
The moral story: Even when a man is listening, hes gonna get it wrong.
A grandmother was surprised
He gets into the taxi
A water bearer in India had two large pots, one hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master’s house.
The cracked pot arrived only half full for a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master’s house.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream.
“I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.”
“Why?” asked the bearer.“What are you ashamed of?”
“I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house.
Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said.
The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”
Tom was in his early
The girls were beginning to use lipstick
A man lives in a high rise on the 15th floor.
Every morning, on the way to work, he takes the elevator all the way down to the 1st floor.
But when he comes home, he takes the elevator to the 8th floor and walks the rest of the way up.
The only exception is when it’s raining. Why?
The man’s a midget, and can’t reach the buttons.
When it’s raining, he has his umbrella with him, so he can reach the 15 button with it.
Two men were hunting in the woods
A police officer asks a thief
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says,
“You’re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?”
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says,
“One thousand, eight hundred and thirty-two.”
The farmer is amazed.
“Exactly right”, he says.
“How did you work that out so fast?”
“Easy,” says the accountant
“I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.”
Three ladies were on a flight
A man was driving along the highway
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry was sitting on a park bench debating what the meanest animal in the world was.
Bert said: “The meanest animal in the world is the hippopotamus because it’s got such huge jaws. One bite and you’re gone!”
Arnie shook his head and said: “No, the hippopotamus may be mean but he’s a private compared to an alligator.”
“An alligator’s got attitude, and one bite from those teeth, followed by the death roll, and you’re gone!”
Harry thought for a moment before saying: “As a matter of fact, you’re both wrong. The meanest animal in the world is a hippogator.”
Bert and Arnie laughed. “What the hell’s a hippogator?” they asked,
“There’s no such creature.”
“A hippogator”, explained Harry, “has got a hippo head on one end and an alligator head on the other.”
“Wait a minute!” interrupted Bert and Arnie.
“If he has a head-on both ends, how does he sh!t?”
“He doesn’t,” said Harry.
“That’s what makes him so mean.”
Three Old Men Were Sitting On A Park Bench.
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
One evening a man was watching TV
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes”, the wife answers, “Why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that critter on the phone. I’m lost and need directions!!!”
A mother was teaching her child
A young Redhead goes into the doctor
A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and grandpa got out.
The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.
“Morris,” said grandma, “you’ve been going to that park for over 30 years, how come you get lost today?”
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear, grandpa whispered,
“I wasn’t lost. I was just too tired to walk home.”
The court why you want a divorce
The husband called the wife on the phone
The Argentinean golfer Robert de Vincenzo went to the parking lot to get his car after having won an important tournament.
At that moment, a woman approached him
After congratulating him for his victory, she told him her son was at the edge of death and that she had no money to pay the hospital bills.
De Vincenzo immediately gave her part of the money he had won that afternoon.
A week later, at a lunch at the Professional Golf Association, he told this story to a couple of friends
One of them asked him if the woman was blond with a small scar under her left eye.
De Vincenzo agreed
“You were cheated,” his friend said.
“This woman is a swindler and is always telling the same story to all foreign golfers that show up here.”
“So there is no child at the edge of death?”
“No.”
“Well, this was the best news I got this week!” said the golf player.
A old hillbilly farmer
A Old Man Goes To The Doctor
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says: “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up.
Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch.
Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers: “Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?”
The Doctor replied, “You’re not drinking enough water.”
The cabbie said no problem
They were reaching a stalemate
A girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him, “Daddy, what is make love?”
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the “birds and the bees.”
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, “Why did you ask this question?”
The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”
A little girl asked her mother
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM wake up.’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
A man calls home to his wife
A couple were Christmas shopping
A policeman was testing three Dumb brothers who were training to become detectives
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well… uh… that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second guy smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer
Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it
It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses.
Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the guy replied.
“He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
A Irishman walks into a bar
Three Kids Are Arguing About
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.
A man goes into a bar and seats himself
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship
“I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”
The old rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The agent verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.”
Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge.
The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.
“See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land
No questions asked or answered given have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher’s bull with every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent.
The agent is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs,…
“Your badge!…”
“Show him your badge!”
Father was a hardworking man
A rather old fashioned lady
However, they all fail to notice the stop signs, and all crash into each other at an intersection.
They all arrive at the Pearly Gates where St.Peter is waiting for them.
St.Peter asks, “So, what’s your story?”
The first of the three men replies, “Well, I think I just died in a car crash.”
St.Peter nods and asks, “And what car did you drive on Earth?”
“A Pontiac Fire bird,” answers the mortal.
“Oh, I see
Well, unfortunately that means you’re going to hell, son.”
The second man walks up and gets asked the same question.
The second man looks slightly worried as he replies, “I drove a Ford Mondeo.”
“Sorry, going down,” St.Peter says.
The third man steps forwards gingerly.
“So,” asks St.Peter “What sort of car did you drive?”
“Er, a Land Rover,” comes the shaky reply.
“Well then, welcome to Heaven, son!” says St.Peter.
The Land Rover driver is slightly confused, and says, “I thought I was in trouble there
What gives?”
St.Peter smiles and says, “Son, you’ve already been through Hell.”
A certain Rabbi
A very large gorilla
A very wise mother bought her young son a pet hamster for his birthday.
He had lots of fun with it and then one day it died.
He asked if he could bury it in the front garden, she said yes, but first suggested they make a “jam” from it, which they did.
About two weeks later a sunflower started growing over the grave so he quickly ran and told his mom to come and have a look.
She replied, “What did you expect?”
“Tulips from hamster jam?”
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation
A blonde walks into an appliance store
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch.
He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his Mom.
As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out.
He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.
As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post.
Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!
So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man.
The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.
The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills.
Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for.
The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”
A 50 year old lady started learning how to swim
A American girl was visiting England
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens.”
One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road.
The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.
The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too we had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.”
The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched .
“Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.”
“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself.”
Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?”
The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
He goes to his doctor for a complete checkup
A funeral service is held for a woman
All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Darns said, “George, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?”
George replied, “God and me are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I’m done.”
“Wow,” commented Dr. Darns, “that’s incredible!”
A little later in the day Dr. Darns called George’s wife.
“Thelma,” he said, “George is just fine. Physically he’s great. But I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?”
Thelma exclaimed, “That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!”
The big hunter walked in the bar
A pretty blonde woman is driving