A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of “WOW”! were heard.
A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. “What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck
Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”
I’ve made a severe and continuous
My friend has trouble attracting women
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,
“I’ll have a C monkey please.”
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that’ll be $5000.”
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,
“That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?”
The shopkeeper answered,
“Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.
“That one’s even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?”
“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object – oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,”
said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own.
The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper,
“That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?”
The shopkeeper replied,
“Well, I haven’t actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager.”
Woman v/s Umbrella Thief
Drunkard Mick & Paddy
Two blondes, Jane and Sarah, were deep in a philosophical argument.
“Since you’re so damned smart,” Sarah says, “answer this question: why is it that when a slice of buttered bread falls to the ground, it’s bound to fall on the buttered side?”
Jane snorts, “It doesn’t always land on the buttered side.
Here, I’ll prove it.” She gets out the loaf of bread from the cupboard.
Out comes the butter from the fridge.
She generously butters the bread. Then she drops it. Butter side up.
“Ha-ha! See?!”
“You think you’re so smart. You just buttered the wrong side of the bread!”
A woman from New York was driving
A soldier girl wrote to break off their engagement
Two Travelers, walking in the noonday sun, sought the shade of a wide spreading tree to rest.
As they lay looking up among the pleasant leaves, they saw that it was a Plane Tree.
“How useless is the Plane!” said one of them.
“It bears no fruit whatever, and only serves to litter the ground with leaves.”
“Ungrateful creatures!” said a voice from the Plane Tree.
“You lie here in my cooling shade, and yet you say I am useless! Thus ungratefully, O Jupiter, do men receive their blessings!”
A cowboy at a bar
A foursome of senior golfers
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it.
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help.
The truck driver replied, “If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!”
The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins.
He showed up at the zoo and they weren’t there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car.
While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins.
The truck driver yelled, “What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!”
The man replied, “I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie.”
He breaks into a house to look for money
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
“Good morning, Ma’am what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is he guy blind or what?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But, Officer, I’m not fishing can’t you see that?”
“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that I will charge you with r*pe,” snaps the irate woman.
“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the Game Warden.
“Yes, that’s true … but you have all the equipment.”
I think you’re bad luck
A little girl whispered to her mother
Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters .
So the first man went up to they’re father and said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said “no but you can sleep with the pigs.”
the second man went to the father and said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said ” no but you can sleep with the cows.”
the third man said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said “yes.”
so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said “I slept like a pig” the second man said “I slept like a cow” the third man said “I felt like a golfer” the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.
Girl melons got one size bigger
Three Nuns Are Talking
Little Sally asked her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block, he told her no because Fluffy was in heat.
Little Sally says what does in heat mean?
Without any explanation her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it and told her to go around the block and come back straight home.
When she returned she was alone. Her dad asks; where is Fluffy?
Little Sally says, Fluffy ran out of gas a few blocks back and another dog is pushing her home.
John and his wife are getting ready for bed
A mother found a candy bar wrapper
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
A old man his annual checkup
This guy goes into a doctor
A man called his doctor, and said “doc”, you gotta come over here quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her bum.
The doctor said, “okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her ass until I get over there.”
The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her bum instead of cheese.
The doctor said, “what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese.”
The man said, “I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to come out, the cat chased it right back up there!”
A old man and his wife lived in the hills
Johnny was enjoying a cigarette
A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.
Lawyer: “Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?”
Woman: “if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I’m not cooking for him for three days straight.”
Lawyer: “Well is he beating you?”
Woman: “Him? I’d throw him through the window, with my left hand only”
Lawyer: “How about being faithful?”
Women: “That’s where we get him! The second child is not from him.”
This blonde city girl who was out driving
The bride immediately called her mother
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has scr*wed him for ten million bucks.
This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place,
Since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks,
He takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the book-keeper:
“Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden.
The book-keeper signs back:
“I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather:
“He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
That’s when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper’s temple, roosters it up and says:
“Ask him again!”
The attorney signs to the underling:
“He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!”
The book-keeper signs back:
“OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!”
The Godfather asks the lawyer:
“Well, what’d he say?”
The lawyer replies:
“He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.!!”
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant
An 80 year old man married to 20 year old girl
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down
Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.
There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth”.
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound”.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door”.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, and so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door”.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound but he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
A chemistry professor wanted to teach
A businessman was in big trouble
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem you see, only you’ve got to promise not to laugh”.
The doctor replies, “Of course I won’t laugh!
That would be thoroughly unprofessional.
In over twenty years of being a doctor I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“OK then,” says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest weenie he has ever seen in his life.
Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably.
Several minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” he says to the patient.
“I don’t know what came over me, I won’t let it happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?
The man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says, “It’s swollen.”
A man goes into a restaurant
A boy starts his first day at Walmart
Once upon a time there were two men in a wood-chopping contest.
They were tasked with chopping down as many trees in the forest as they could from sun-up to sun-down.
The winner would be rewarded with both fame and fortune.
From morning till noon, both men steadily chopped and chopped.
By noon they were neck and neck, but then one man took a break and stopped chopping.
The other man saw this and thought to himself: “The lazy fool, he’s probably taken a break for lunch he’s given me a chance to get ahead of him and I will without doubt win this contest!”
A while later the man got back to work.
As the day continued he chopped more trees than his hard-working (and hungry) competitor and by mid-afternoon he had taken a clear lead.
When sundown came, the man who had taken the break at noon had chopped almost twice as many trees as the other man, who was drenched in sweat, hungry and exhausted.
“How did you beat me?” he asked puzzled.
“You were lazier than I and even took a break for lunch!”
“Ah,” said the other man, “I did take a break, but it was during that break, that I sharpened my axe.”
She never took an interest in religious studies
A lawyer trying to get tickets
One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.
One boy went over to the bush to check out some noises.
He pointed out a woman bathing undressed in the steam.
So, both boys decided to stay and watch her.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked his friend why he had run away.
The second boy said to his friend, “My mum told me that if I ever saw a undressed lady, I’d turn to stone.”
“I felt something getting hard, so I ran.”
The man looked a little worried when the doctor
He called his wife to make up an excuse
An elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men were at a premium.
After he had been there for a week, he went to Confession and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different women.”
The priest replied, “Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing.”
“Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?”
“No,” said the priest, “but it will wipe that crap-eatin’ grin off your face.”
Johnny was enjoying a cigarette
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. he placed the boy in the chair.
“I’m going’ to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said,
“Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”
“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy.
“He just walked up, took me by the hand and said,
‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!’”
A older man with several complaints saw a physician
A woman wearing a real tight dress
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
A elderly couple named Bill and Helen
A man was going up to bed
A man whose wife was pregnant couldn’t bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth.
So he thought he’d ring up later to see if it had come yet.
He rang up and the nurse said “it’s a girl but theres another one on the way”
he rang again later and the nurse said “it’s another girl but they’re still coming!”
He rang once more and the nurse said “this one’s a boy but there’s still another coming!”
By this time he couldn’t stand it any more, his nerves were shot and he could barely dial the numbers,
so he went to the pub and got blisteringly drunk.
An hour later he was 3 sheets to the wind and more anxious than ever, but decided to finally call.
As he was dialling the hospital, hands shaking, he accidentally dialled the cricket results line.
They picked up and he asked nervously “…how many did we get mate?”
The person promptly replies “198 all out…. and the last one was a duck
A guy visits a carnival
Three ducks went to court
A guy walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
The doctor said, “Where?”
He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”
Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher
A college professor of Psychology
An old man and his wife are in bed.
After lying in silence for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “seven points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”
The old man answers, “I’m playing fart football!”
A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”
After five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown! I’m winning 14 to 7!”
Furious about loosing, the wife rips another fat and yells out, “The score is tied!”
The pressure is on and the old man refuses to lose.
He strains incredibly had but instead of farting he accidentally poops the bed.
The wife hears the noise and asks.
“What in the world was that noise?”
The old man replies, “That’s the whistle for halftime. Switch sides.”
The doctor called the wife into his office
A senior citizens group charters a bus
An american was touring Mexico.
After his day’s sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant.
While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?”
The waiter replied, “Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull’s testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish.
But then he said, “What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning.
If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!”
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, he called the waiter and said,
“These are smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
The waiter replied, “Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins.
Doctor’s Good Decent Assistant
Two gay men decide to have a baby
One night the Nasreddin Hodja looked into his well and saw there the reflection of the full moon.
“Oh no!” he exclaimed.
“The moon has fallen from the sky and into my well!”
He ran into his house and returned with a hook attached to a rope.
He then threw the hook into the water and commenced to pull it up again, but it became stuck on the side of the well.
Frantically the Hodja tugged and pulled with all his might.
The hook suddenly came loose, and the Hodja fell over backwards, landing flat on his back.
Scarcely able to move, he looked up into the sky and saw the full moon above him.
“I may have injured myself in doing so,” he said with satisfaction, “but at least I got the moon back into the sky where it belongs.”
A local priest
An Arab Sheik
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.
“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, “My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”
The old man was so happy, he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it.
The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.
She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, “so this is the hussy he’s been fooling around with!”
He picked up the phone
A little boy comes down for breakfast
Attending a wedding for the first time,
A little girl whispered to her mother,
“Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,”
Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
“So, why’s the groom wearing black?”
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
A Married Couple Are Golfing
A little old man told his wife, “I have to go to my doctor’s appointment now. I’ll see you later.”
After he left, his wife sat down on the couch and watched television.
A news report came on that someone was driving down the interstate highway in the wrong direction.
Knowing that was the route he would be on, she called to warn him,
“Honey, there’s a car going in the wrong direction!”
The husband replied, “They’re all going in the wrong direction!”
A angry wife was complaining about her husband
A husband and wife were dining at restaurant
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid,” answers the woman.
“We don’t have a maid,” says the man.
The woman says,
“I was hired this morning by the woman of the house.”
The man says,
“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
The woman replies,…
“She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming and says to the maid,
“Listen, would you like to make $10,000?”
The maid asks,…
“What will I have to do?”
The man tells her,
“I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the Bitch and the jerk she’s with.”
The maid puts the phone down;
the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone,
“What do I do with the bodies?”
The man says,
“Throw them in the swimming pool.”
Puzzled, the maid answers,
“But you don’t have a pool.”
A long pause and the man asks,
“Oops..! Is this 2261-1382?”
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman
A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman
Finding one of her student Little Johnny making faces at others on the playground,..
Ms. Smith stopped to gently scold the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said,
“Johnny, when I was a child,
I was told if that I made ugly faces,
it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Johnny looked up and replied,
“Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident
Dry humor about water
An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed.
When he replied, the desk clerk asked “Can I help you sir?”
Our man said “Yes, I would like to change my name.”
“What is your current name?” asked the clerk.
“Martin backside,” replied the man.
The clerk laughed, and said “I can see why you want a change. What would you like your new name to be?”
“Tim.”
A hunter goes into the woods
A Girl Scout troop leader