A young lady is buying a box of tampons in the store.
They are missing the UPC and won’t ring up.
The cashier asks his co-worker to go and check the price of Tampax.
Do you mean the kind you push in or the kind you hammer in?
Everyone including the cashier is shocked: What?
You said to check the price of thumb tacs.
I am asking whether you mean the kind of thumb tacs you push in or the kind you hammer in?
You should have seen the face of the young lady who wanted to buy these tampons.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory
A blonde woman walks into bank
A ship was travelling in a dangerous part of the sea.
The captain saw a pirate ship approaching their vessel.
The captain yells to his crew, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew brings him his red shirt, he puts it on, and leads the men in battle.
They lose one man, but on the whole it was a great victory everyone wonders what the deal is with the red shirt, but they just shrug it off.
A few days later, the captain sees 2 pirate ships in the distance.
He again yells, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew does so, and they fight off the pirates.
They lose a few more men this time, but at least most of them are unharmed.
However, this time curiosity got the best of them, and they ask the Captain why he’s asked for his red shirt during the battles.
He answers, “Well crew, I know all of you look to me for support and morale.
I knew there would be a good chance of me getting injured, and I didn’t want you to see me all bloody and fear that all is lost.
Therefore I put on a red shirt so that my injuries will blend in with the shirt.”
A few weeks later, the ship is travelling in another sea, and in the distance, there are suddenly 10 fearsome pirate ships.
The captain spots them and yells, “Men, bring me my brown pants!”
On his first day on the job
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought
A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having lovemaking in the middle of the road.
Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didn’t move.
He finally brought the truck’ to a halt inches from them.
The truck driver got out and stormed:
“What the hell’s the matter with you two?.
Didn’t you hear me? You could have been killed!”
The man replied nonchalantly: “Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”
A boy was standing in front of the polar
A old man and a 20 year old are paired together
3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body:
Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.
“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”
The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one.
Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.
“Thought he was having his picture taken.
A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison
A man owned a small ranch
A wise old man was sitting at the river bank.
He saw a cat that had fallen into the river struggling to save itself from drowning.
The man decided to save the cat.
He stretched out his hand towards the cat but the cat scratched him.
He pulled his hand back in pain.
However, a few minutes later he stretched out his hand again to save the cat, but it scratched him again, and again he pulled his hand back in pain.
A few minutes later he was again trying for the third time!
A man, who was nearby watching what was happening, yelled out,
“O wise man, you have not learned your lesson the first time, nor the second time, and now you are trying to save the cat a third time?”
The wise man paid no heed to that man’s scolding and kept on trying until he managed to save the cat.
He then walked over to the man and patted his shoulder saying:
“My son It is in the cat’s nature to scratch, and it is in my nature to love and have sympathy.”
Why do you want me to let the cat’s nature overcome mine?
“My son, treat people according to your nature, not according to theirs, no matter what they are like and no matter how numerous their actions that harm you and cause you pain sometimes.”
And do not pay heed to all the voices that loudly call out to you to leave behind your good qualities merely because the other party is not deserving of your noble actions.
So never regret the moments you gave happiness to someone, even if that person did not deserve it.
Jesus treats us according to His nature, just think where we would be if He were to treat us as per our nature.
That is why He saves us in spite of ourselves.
Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor
A man settles in his seat
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes into pee.
The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is.
He can’t help himself and asks Bubba what his secret is.
“Well,” says Bubba,
“Every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my manhood on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.
So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his manhood and whacked it three times on the bedpost.
His wife, half-asleep, said,
“Bubba? Is that you?”
He walks into a bakery to meet with owner
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
A Salt Lake pheasant hunter took his son to Idaho to do a little shooting but all the good fields they found were posted “No Trespassing.”
Being a law-abiding pheasant hunter (as surely all Utah pheasant hunters are) the man left his son by their car and went to a farm house to ask the farmer if they might hunt in his fields.
The Salt Lake hunter assured the farmer that no damage would be done to his fields or fences, and the farmer said he would allow the hunting of his fields, if the hunter would do him a favor.
“You see that old horse over there by your car? Well, he’s old and he’s got the miseries, But he’s sort of a family pet, and I can’t bring myself to shoot him will you shoot him for me?”
The hunter agreed, and as he was walking back to his car, he decided to play a joke on his son.
As he approached the car, his son asked, “Well, can we hunt the fields?”
The man, pretending to be angry, responded, “You know these farmers, they won’t let anybody hunt here it makes me so mad, I could….I could.”
The man picked up his gun and shot the farmer’s horse.
But to his surprise, he heard additional gunshots behind him.
He turned around and his son said, “You got his horse, I got his dog and cow now let’s get outta here!”
The Old Man Was Fishing In A Puddle
A cowboy
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
He only brought enough money for one beer though.
As he’s drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom.
Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a card and writes on it, “I spit in this beer”, and walks to the bathroom.
When he comes back about 15 minutes later, there’s another card next to his beer saying, “I spit in it too.”
A woman is alone at home
Two women were comparing notes
Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches.
The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped and hungry.
Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one.
He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener.
Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back.
Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food.
So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.
Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise.
After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless.
“I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. “NO!” Joe retorts. “We promised.”
Five more days pass, Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.
“Just for that, I’m not going!”
A elderly couple were killed in an accident
The little boy had been looking
An old man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work c*cktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and young woman entered.
She was so striking that the elderly man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him,
“I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The elderly man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.
He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, “Paint my house.”
A lady goes to the doctor
Johnny and Billy are walking to the church
Late one night, paramedics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital, suspecting a massive heart attack.
The medical team worked tirelessly through the night and well into the morning, finally stabilizing him and moving him to the Intensive Care Unit for ongoing treatment.
After a few days of recovery, Mr. Steinberg’s doctor visited him with great news.
“Sol, I’m thrilled to tell you that your heart is in remarkable shape—just like when you were 15! You’re being discharged tomorrow, and you can resume any physical activity you enjoy without worrying about your heart.”
Excited to return home, Mr. Steinberg eagerly shared the news with his wife that evening.
“Doris, you won’t believe this! I’m perfectly healthy. No heart problems whatsoever! Tonight, my darling, we’re going to have the most passionate, wild lovemaking you’ve ever experienced!”
Doris paused thoughtfully before responding. “I’m not so sure, Sol. I’ve heard about the risks of intense physical activity with heart conditions. If something happened to you, I’d feel awful. Maybe… if your doctor wrote me a note confirming it’s safe, I might consider it.”
Disheartened but determined, Mr. Steinberg visited his doctor the following day.
Dr. Katz cheerfully agreed. “Of course, Sol! I’ll write it up for you right now.”
He scribbled on his prescription pad: ‘Mr. Sol Steinberg, my patient, is in excellent health with the heart function of a 15-year-old. He may engage in passionate, adventurous intimacy whenever he desires. Signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.’
As he prepared the note, the doctor asked, “By the way, Sol, what’s your wife’s name?”
After a brief hesitation, Mr. Steinberg replied sheepishly, “Uh, Doctor, could you just address it, ‘To Whom It May Concern’?”
Two men are out just fishing quietly
Two old men were sitting on a park bench
A man and his mother-in-law went to Jerusalem and while they were there the mother-in-law passes away.
The priest says to the man, “for $150 we can bury your mother-in-law here or for $5000 we can ship her back home to be buried.
The man replies, “Oh I will definitely have her shipped back home because if I remember correctly awhile back a man was buried here and after 3 days he came back to life”.
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range
Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the cow.
“Your name is written inside the cover.”
A man went to his father
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.
Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.
The pilots screams at him, “Didn’t you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!”
“Of course I heard you”, the man replied, “but it’s also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!!”
After swearing loyalty to the Captain
A Mr.Smith was on his death bed
A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful you guessed it blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls”.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked.
“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
A older man was driving down
A police officer in a small town stopped
A man was sick and tired of going to work everyday while his wife stayed at home; he wanted his wife to see what he goes through and so he prayed;
“Dear Lord, I go to work all day and put in eight hours while my wife stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please switch her body to mine for a day, as I take hers.
So God in His own infinite wisdom granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He cooked breakfast, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them, packed their lunch, took them to school, came back home, picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, went grocery shopping, got home and put away the groceries, cleaned the cat’s little box and bathed the dog.
By then it was already 1:00pm.
He quickly went to make the bed, do the laundry, swept and mop the floor, ran to school to pick up the kids, got into an argument with one of them, set out milk and cookies and got the kids organised to do their home work.
He then set the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4.30pm, he began peeling potatoes and washed the vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chop and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, put them to bed.
Now He’s exhausted, and though his daily choice wasn’t over, he went to bed and was expected to make LOVE, which he managed to get through without complaints.
Early in the morning, he woke up and quickly knelt down by the bed and said: “LORD, I do not know what I was thinking, I was wrong to envy my wife being able to stay home all day. Please let’s trade again.
GOD answered: “Man I’d love to answer your prayers, but the time you made love last night, you got pregnant, so you have to wait for nine months to change.
A teacher was testing the children
She wanted to discuss
An blonde girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
“How many children?” asks the council worker.
“10” replies the blonde girl.
“10???” says the council worker.. “What are their names?”
“Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne”
“Doesn’t that get confusing?”
“Naah…” says the blonde girl “its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER’S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it…”
“What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the perturbed council worker.
“That’s easy,” says the girl… “I just use their surnames”
A elderly woman went into the doctor
The doctor came out and said
The pick-up couple was relaxing after a satisfying session of lovemaking
The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish.
He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one-night stand.
But he couldn’t help but to think that he had met her before.
“I can’t help feeling that we’ve met before.” he said.
“Yeah, I know,” sighed the girl stretching.
“It happens to me a lot.
I think they call this ‘de ja mating.’
Jones who had been away on an extended trip
A blonde is pregnant
An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing.
Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs.
When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, and goes back to her knitting.
Her husband, puzzled, asks, “What was that for?”
She replied, “That was for 50 years of bad make love.”
He goes back to his newspaper, but a few minutes later, he looks at his wife and whacks her across the head.
The wife, also puzzled asks him, “What was that for?”
Not looking up from his newspaper, the husband answers, “That is for knowing the difference.”
A older couple were lying in bed
A couple in their nineties were both having problems
Michael was thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God: “Why did you make her so kind-hearted?”
The Lord responded: “So you could love her my son”
Next question: “Why did you make her so good-looking?”
Reply: “So you could love her my son”
Third one: “Why did you make her such a good cook?”
Response: “So you could love her my son.”
Michael thought about this for a while, and then he said:
“I don’t mean to seem ungrateful or anything. But why did you make her so stupid?”
Without hesitation came the answer: “So she could love you, my son.”
A software engineer saw a bull pulling a cart
Little Johnny and Billy are walking
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’
Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’
Harry: ‘9.’
Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’
Harry: ’36.’
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade’
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions..’
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’
Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs..’
Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’
Harry: ‘Pants.’
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’
The principal’ s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,’Bubble gum.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’
Harry: ‘Shake hands.’
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’
Harry: ‘Firetruck.’
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong
A man is in a hotel lobby
A man escapes a prison
A couple who’d been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, “Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?”
He moved over and sat close to her.
“Dear,” she continued, “do you remember how you used to hold me tight?”
He reached over and held her tight.
“And,” she went on, “do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?”
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“Well,” answered the husband, “I have to get my teeth.”
A man observed a woman in the grocery store
A man went to the doctor complaining
Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days.
The lion starts chasing the two men.
They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer,
“Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.”
He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees.
Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.
As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”
They were all trapped on an island
The end of a job interview
A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rubber pack.
She asks, “What size please?”
“Good question,” he replies, “I’m not sure,”
“Tell ya what. Right outside, there’s a fence with three h*les in it, stick your weapon in the h*les and tell me which one it fits in,” suggests the lady.
So he takes her advice, goes outside and puts his weapon in the first h*le.
A woman walks past, see’s his tool and starts feeling it.
The man thinks, “Hey, this ain’t too bad.”
Then he puts his weapon in the second h*le, another woman walks by, and gives him a bl*w job.
At this point, he is literally blown away.
He quickly shoves his weapon in the last h*le, and yet another woman walks by, and she starts to shag him.
After they are done rocking, he high-steps it back inside and goes to the counter.
The assistant asks “What size then?”
“Forget the rubber pack,” says the man, “how much for the fence?”
Sarah goes to school
A deaf man enters a pharmacy
A cop pulled over a car and finds a young couple in the front seat.
Where your seat belt young man? asked the cop.
Oh, I just took if off now when you were walking up to the car, responded the man.
No you didn’t! exclaimed his wife, you never wear your seat belt!.
A little taken aback, the cop asked to see his license.
Aw shucks! cried the man, I must have left it home! Yeah right! screamed his wife, You know it expired 3 months ago!
At a loss for words, the cop asked the woman are you always so tough on him?!
No responded the young woman, only when he had too much to drink!.
A drunk man walks out of a bar
Mark was passing by the bar
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
“The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother.”
The fairy godmother replied, “It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
“I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.”
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?”
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.”
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.”
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful!, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair.
He held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…
“Bet you’re sorry you had me castrated.”
A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle
An ugly old man in Mississippi was sitting
A high school recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of the girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
A water bearer in India had two large pot
A shipwreck
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle he’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something It’s driving me crazy, It’s all I think about I can’t sleep just between you and me, what are you smuggling?” Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
A married couple is driving along
A frog and an iguana
Haggling over a pricing structure with Dwayne Johnson
Dwayne Johnson recently came to the arts and crafts store I own looking to buy equipment for the wardrobe department for his latest movie.
He asked if we could quickly fill a large order of cloth-cutting shears.
I told him yes, but given the rush, we couldn’t offer a bulk discount.
For the next hour, Mr. Johnson haggled with me, insisting on paying a single, reduced price for the order of shears rather than the standard per-item price.
With my frustration growing, Mr. Johnson wouldn’t back down.
Finally, he made a desperate attempt to get the deal he wanted: he suggested we play any simple game of my choice; winner sets the price structure for the shears.
He then asked me what I wanted to play.
Unable to hold back my aggravation, I shouted: ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!
A hideous little orc is in the kingdom’s capital
A scientist is asked by the government
A mother was teaching her child about the side-effects of alcohol.
She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
She says “I want you to see this.”
She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have to say about this experiment?”
The child responds by saying: “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”
Johnny was talking to a couple of boys
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!”
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words.”
She then asked Little Johnny what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
Little Johnny thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, “Winnie the Shit.”
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing
A couple of years ago, one night