An elderly man goes into a night house and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
“I’m 90 years old,” he says.
“90!” replies the woman.
“Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”
“Oh, sorry,” says the old man, “how much do I owe you?”
A Scotsman drinking in a Havana bar
Jack goes to the doctor
A blond man entered the emergency room with his two ears burned.
“What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well”, the man explained, “my wife was press clothing, behind my chair while I was watching TV.
She put down the iron next to the phone and when the phone rang I answered the iron.”
“Wow that is terrible” responded the doctor, and what happened to your other ear?”
“Well” the blond guy responded “Right afterwards, the phone rang again!”
Mark was passing by the bar
A lady came in for a routine physical
A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert.
During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.
The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand,
“Today my best friend slapped me in the face.”
They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.
The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.
After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone,
“Today my best friend saved my life.”
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him,
“After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?”
The other friend replied,
“When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.
But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.”
Moral of the story, Don’t value the things you have in your life but value who you have in your life.
The pilot complains about the airman
A busload of politicians
Four nuns are in line to go into heaven.
God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned.
She says, “Well, I’ve seen a manhood.”
So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter.
He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, “I’ve held a manhood,”
so he puts holy water on her hands and lets her enter.
Then the fourth nun skips the third nun in line and God asks why she did that.
The 4th nun replies, “Well, I need to gargle it before she sits in it.”
Three men are traveling on a ship
Jesus & Moses and an old man go golfing
Early one morning a hungry Wolf was prowling around a cottage at the edge of a village, when he heard a child crying in the house.
Then he heard the Mother’s voice say: “Hush, child, hush! Stop your crying, or I will give you to the Wolf!”
Surprised but delighted at the prospect of so delicious a meal, the Wolf settled down under an open window, expecting every moment to have the child handed out to him.
But though the little one continued to fret, the Wolf waited all day in vain.
Then, toward nightfall, he heard the Mother’s voice again as she sat down near the window to sing and rock her baby to sleep.
“There, child, there! The Wolf shall not get you no, no!
Daddy is watching and Daddy will kill him if he should come near!”
Just then the Father came within sight of the home, and the Wolf was barely able to save himself from the Dogs by a clever bit of running.
Moral: Do not believe everything you hear.
A young man walks into a supermarket
A Man Lost At Sea Is Found On An Island
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school.
He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town.
He really wanted to impress everyone.
He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.
One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk.
He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone.
He motioned the man in, all the while talking…
“No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million.”
“Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support…”
“Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details…”
This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes.
All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.
Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
“I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”
The man replied “I’m from the phone company…I came to hook up your phone.”
Two guys were sitting outside
A nun and a priest were traveling
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.
The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.
He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.
The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby,
thus reducing her own.
The man quickly agreed.
The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.
The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man.
The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more.
The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten.
The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.
The couple took the new baby home.
There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.
This woman’s husband had been slipping
Three guys are sitting around the campfire
A young blonde with a coach ticket went up and sat down in the first class section of a plane going from Tampa to Los Angles.
The airline hostess said I’m sorry miss but you have to sit in the coach section.
The blonde replied ” I’m blonde and beautiful and I’m going to LA ” She wouldn’t move.
Finally the first officer came up and whispered in her ear.
The blonde jumped up and ran back to coach.
The stewardess asked the first officer what he said to the blonde.
I told her First Class doesn’t stop in LA.
A blonde was out driving her car ran into a truck
A cab driver picked up a nun
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any lovemaking in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a make love therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known make love therapist.
So she went to see him and upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said,
‘OK, take off all you crose.’
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
‘Ok now, crawl reery fass to the other side of the room.’
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
‘OK’ now crawl reery fass to me,’
So she did.
Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said,
‘Your problem very bad, you had Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I
ever see, that why you not had make love or dates.’
Confused the woman asked,
‘What is Ed Zachary Disease?’
Two drunks are walking along
Two guys are sitting at a bar
Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, “Mommy, guess what?
Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door.
They got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and.”
The mother held up her hand and said, “Not another word!
Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you’ve just told me.”
The father comes home and the wife tells him that she’s leaving him.
“But why?” croaks the husband.
“Go ahead, Johnny, tell Daddy just what you told me.”
“Well,” said little Johnny, “I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door.
They got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob.”
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip
A woman got on a bus holding a baby
This young woman ran up to me at the cemetery and said “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone.
Can you walk with me across?” “Sure.”
I said, being the gentleman I am.
As we walked through, she told me that she had tried to ask other guys before me, but no one would do it.
What has come of this world, when a man won’t give a hand to lovely lady to walk her through a dark place.
“Thank God you’re not like that.”
She smiled at me. “I suppose it’s silly, being afraid of cemeteries at my age.”
I said “Oh yeah of course.
Don’t worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive.
A woman has to go to Italy
Blowing Bubbles
A certain Rabbi was adored by the community; everyone was enchanted by what he said.
Except for Isaac, who never missed an opportunity to contradict the Rabbi’s interpretations and point out faults in his teachings.
The others were annoyed by Isaac, but could do nothing about it. One day, Isaac died.
During the funeral, the community noticed that the Rabbi was deeply upset.
Why are you so sad? someone commented.
He was always criticizing everything you said!
I am not upset for my friend who is now in heaven replied the Rabbi
I am upset for my own self
While everyone revered me, he challenged me, and I was obliged to improve.
Now he has gone, I am afraid I shall stop growing.
A armed robber
They all arrive at the Pearly Gates
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Atlanta to do a show for the Children’s Hospital.
He didn’t want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car.
A drunken good old boy from Byron got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to his car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”
A man was working on a preacher’s car
The Sleepy Teacher
A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch.
“Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?” a jogger asks.
The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, “Nope.”
As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger’s legs.
As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells,
“I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!”
The old man mutters, “Ain’t my dog.”
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob
A man walks into a bar one night
A blonde struggling with her weight visited her doctor for advice.
He suggested she run ten miles a day for thirty days, assuring her she’d shed twenty pounds.
After diligently following the plan, she was thrilled to see the results and called to thank the doctor.
But before hanging up, she asked,
“One last thing—how do I get back home? I’m 300 miles away now!”
A elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone
Three drunkards were walking down
During a visit to a closed institution, a visitor asks the director what criteria are used to decide whether someone has to be admitted or not.
The director says, “Well, we fill a bathtub, give the candidate a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket, and ask him to empty the bathtub.
The visitor:” Ah, I see, and a normal person would take the bucket with it it goes faster, yes? ”
Director:” No, a normal person would pull the plug …
Would you like a room with or without a balcony? “
A Man wishes every night
After 50 Years of Marriage, A Couple Was in Bed at Night, Then Wife Felt Something
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope.”
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”
She calmly writes down his order
A climber fell off a cliff
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”
The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
A guy walks into a bar
A police officer attempts to stop
Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says, ‘I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.’
His second friend says, ‘I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.’
Santa says, ‘I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.’
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
‘No I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.’
A teacher realized that one of his students
A elderly couple a priest and a doctor
One day while passing a nursing home I noticed six old ladies lying undressed on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual but I continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies laying on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.
“Do you know there are six ladies laying undressed on your front lawn?”
“Yes,” he said.
“They are retired call girl and they’re having a yard sale!”
Undressing
Biker In A Roadside Bar
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane.
The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence.
Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00.
The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled.
He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer.
Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
A wife arriving home to find her husband in bed
Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day
A woman came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find her 5-year old son waiting for her at the door.
Son: “Mommy, may I ask you a question?”
Mom: “Yeah sure, what it is?” replied the woman.
Son: “Mommy, how much do you make an hour?”
Mom: “That’s none of your business, why do you ask such a thing?” the woman said angrily.
Son: “I just want to know Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
Mom: “If you must know, I make $20 an hour.”
Son: “Oh,” the little boy replied, with his head down.
Son: “Mommy, may I please borrow $5?”
The mother was furious, “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed think about why you are being so selfish I don’t work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.”
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The woman sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions how dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the woman had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $5 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.The woman went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.
“Are you asleep, son?” She asked.
“No Mommy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.
“I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier” said the woman.
“It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you here’s the $5 you asked for.”
The little boy sat straight up, smiling.
“Oh, thank you Mommy!” he yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
The woman saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his mother.
“Why do you want more money if you already have some?” the mother grumbled.
“Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.
“Mommy, I have $20 now can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow I would like to have dinner with you.”
The mother was crushed she put her arms around her little son, and she begged for his forgiveness.
It’s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life we should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.
A elderly couple was just settled down for bed
A Man And His Wife Go On A Date
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.
He says “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.”
The woman answered “Well, I have contacts.”
The policeman replied “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns
A blonde went to the hospital
One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked,
“Why are you home so early?”
He answered, “Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class.”
She said, “Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?”
Jimmy replied, “The question was ‘Who threw the trash can at the principal’s head?’”
What is politics
A husband and wife were driving through
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How should I know?” the man answers, “I’m not a lawyer!”
A man walks into the psychiatrist
A woman went to her dentist
What bird can do more that others?
A Pelican. What two birds met in the insane asylum?
A Cuckoo and a Loon. What bird lives in Hollywood? A Starling.
What bird can give you splinters? A woodpecker.
What bird works in construction? A Crane.
What bird loves guacamole? A Dipper.
What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A Flicker.
What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A Wader.
What bird just got arrested? A Robin.
What bird goes to church? A Cardinal.
What is a man’s favorite bird? A Swallow. What bird does drugs? A Junco.
What bird wears a toupee? A Heron. What bird is in a band? A Rock Dove.
What bird can’t walk straight? A warbler.
What bird parties the most? A Raven
Men at interview
A newly married Liam
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman.
She exclaims “Wow, what a great chest you have!”
He says, “Solid dynamite, babe.”
He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, “Wow, what massive calves you have!”
He flexes his leg muscles and says, “Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart.”
Then he removes his underwear and the blonde goes running and screaming in fear.
He gets dressed and goes chasing after the woman.
When he catches up to her, he asks, “Why the hell did you go running off like that?”
She replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was.”
The phone rang and a little boy answered
A guy was in an elevator one day
A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food place.
He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched.
The older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh, no we’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, “Not yet It’s his turn to use our the teeth.
Larry attended a horse auction with his father
A very elderly couple
Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, “Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?”
Frank says, “Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We’ve been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you.”
So, they keep walking.
After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, “Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?”
Jim says, “Frank, you and I are like brothers, you were the best man at my wedding, you attended my son’s wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you.”
They keep walking.
A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, “Frank, if you had two chickens…”
“Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I’ve got two Chickens!”
A little Johnny reading the story
Jacob and Rebecca age are living in Florida
A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.
He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.
He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, “Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What’s in your pocket?”
The man replies, “Oh… I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home.”
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress
A man observed a woman in the grocery store