So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting.
She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.
A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?”
She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”
His brow furrows and he straightens up.
“Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”
She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”
“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”
He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.
“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.
“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.
He squints warily at it.
“This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.
“Can I see the registration to this car?”
She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.
“Ma’am, stand back!”
He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”
He watched as old lady boarded
John Sam and Abe three retired friends
Frank went to the gym as he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.
The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “loose 1kg guaranteed”, “loose 3 kg guaranteed”, “loose 5kg guaranteed” and “loose 10kg guarantees”.
However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.
He accepted the offer and the receptionist told him to wait at home.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
Frank opened the door to a hot girl standing with a sign around her neck saying “catch me and I’m yours”.
The girl took off and Frank went running after her for 10km.
Unable to catch, he went back home.
After the exhaustion wore off, he found that he lost 1 kg.
Delighted, he immediately went back to the gym and signed up for the 3kg package.
The next day, the doorbell rang again.
Frank opened the door to an even hotter girl, shirtless with the same sign.
Again, she took off and he ran after her. This time for 20km.
Frank was again unable to catch.
So he went home disappointed, until he found that he lost 3kg.
So again, he went back to the gym for round 3, 5kg.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
It was an even hotter girl, only wearing corset, thongs and running shoes with a sign, “catch me and I’m yours”.
He chased her until sunset, nearly catching her.
He went home excited.
Finding himself loosing 5kg, and that he’d catch the next one, maybe a completely undressed hot women.
He went to the gym for the 10kg package.
He turned around to find a buffed bodybuilder with a sign around his neck.
“Catch you, and you’re mine.”
Three Nuns Are Talking
One day, there were two boys
One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper.
The dad turned to Little Jimmy and asked,
“Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?”
To this Little Jimmy replied,
“I want some of them bang’ peas.”
In a flash, dad slapped the sh!t out of Little Jimmy.
“Now what did you want to eat first Jimmy?” asked the dad.
“I want some of them bang’ peas,” said Jimmy.
Dad then backhanded Little Jimmy clean out of his chair and halfway across the room.
Little Jimmy shook it off and promptly returned to the table.
Returning to the table, short of breath, and trying to regain his composure, the dad turned to his other son Little Johnny and calmly asked,
“Well Little Johnny, just what would you like to eat first?”
Little Johnny, glancing at his brother on the floor, turned back to his dad and quickly exclaimed,
“Well you can bet your sweet bum, it ain’t none of them bang’ Peas!”
Johnny down to the pond to get some water
The teacher asked Little Johnny
A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.
“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container.
“The bathroom is over there on your right.
The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
“Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
A blond man entered the emergency
Edward was lying on his deathbed
Two women are walking home from the bar when they both feel the need to pee, so they slip into a nearby cemetery.
One of them uses her underwear to wipe, while the other grabs a wreath off a headstone.
The next evening, the husbands meet at the bar.
One looks at the other and says, “I think I need to keep an eye on my wife—she came home without her underwear last night.”
The other husband responds, “Well, mine came home with a card wedged in her bum that said, ‘You were loved and will be missed by the entire fire department.’”
Three guys go to a ski lodge
A watermelon farmer was determined
There was a loser who couldn’t get a date.
He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, “It’s simple.
I just say, I’m a lawyer.”
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said “No,” he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, “Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?”
He said, “Why,… Yes I am!”
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, lovemaking, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already lovemaking someone.
One knight told his best friend
Young lady drove a little yellow sports car
I have such a dilemma.
There is a guy at my gym with no legs.
And I feel really awkward around him every time I see him.
So I tried to make a connection.
I said, ‘Hey Dan. Working on arms again today?’
A squirrel
You Know You’re Addicted
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”
The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, “Say, what do you call your husband?”
She frowned and said, “The postman.”
“Why the postman?”
“Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”
Two hunters Paul and Kurt
A woman starts dating a doctor
A woman walks into a convenience store.
She walks straight to the manager and asks, “Do you have any small notebooks?”
“Sorry,” says the manager. “We’re all out.”
The woman shrugs, and asks, “Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?”
“Nope, don’t have that either,” says the manager.
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, “Do you have Doritos? Nachos?”
The manager shrugs, “Sorry.”
“Hmmph. How about Chap stick?” says the woman.
“Nope. Don’t have that.”
“My God!” the woman shouts, “If you don’t have anything, you should close the damn store!”
The manager shrugs, “Don’t have the key.”
The man approached the very beautiful woman
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party
Three old ladies Gertrude, Maude and Tilly – were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.
Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the park.
He was holding his coat together with his hands and didn’t seem to be wearing anything underneath it.
The young man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat in one quick motion, revealing his undressed body.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn’t quite reach that far.
A Zen student said to his teacher
A old man is eating his lunch
The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island.
They ask the man why he built the buildings.
“This first building is my house.”
“He says, I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing”.
The sailors are impressed and ask about the second building.
“This second building is my church,” he says “I am a Christian and my faith is very important to me”.
The sailors nod in understanding and ask about the third building.
“Oh, that one,” the man says.
“That’s the church I USED to go to”.
A hungry Wolf
A gorgeous 19 year old girl
A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him, “Why is the front of your shirt all bloody?”
His customer answers in a slurred voice, “My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my weapon.”
“Oh come on,” replies the bartender.
The customer then says, “If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you.”
He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.
The bartender bends down and looks closely and says, “Why this is just a cigar”.
The customer looks puzzled and says, “I have it here somewhere” and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says, “See that”.
The bartender again inspects it closely and says, “You idiot, that’s just another cigar.”
Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself, leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says, “Oh no, I must have smoked it!”
A man and woman were discussing
A English teacher spent a lot of time
Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic.
Alex was crying very loudly.
Johnny: Why are you crying?
Alex: I came here for a blood test.
Johnny: So? Are you afraid?
Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
After hearing this Johnny started weeping making Alex feel surprised as well as curious and Alex asked: Why are you crying now?
Johnny: I came for a urine test!
Teacher asked a question to kids
She says to the children
The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I ‘m giving everyone a check for $5,000!”
Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.
“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I’ll sign those checks!”
A young man sees her and eagerly approaches
A waiter takes an order from a customer
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known around the world for his rabbits who can lift more than any man.
A little boy asks him “How do you keep your rabbits so strong?”
The man replies, “It’s no secret.”
He pulls out a bottle of shampoo and says,
“Keeps your hares strong!”
George raises his beer mug
He looks around and takes a seat
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her.
The supervisor couldn’t believe it: The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her melons was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
“Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your melons exposed!”
“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her melons into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They never put anything back when they’re through using it!”
Two businessmen were taking
A young lady meet a man in a pub
Two lawyers are having a drink after work.
“The most amazing thing happened to me last night,” said the first one.
“I was working, and suddenly the devil was standing before me, right there in my office!
He told me that in exchange for my soul, I could become a United States senator!”
“Great!” says his friend.
“But what’s the catch?”
A man goes to a female dentist
Three guys are in a doctor`s office
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.
Here is your Oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses.
If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many cafes located throughout the area,” said Peter.
“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off,
“We could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t insisted on exercising three times a week and eating that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat food!”
The Infuriated Atheist Neighbor
Joe packs the picnic basket
A man was working on a preacher’s car in a garage and he was pushing hard on a wrench to loosen a nut and his hand slipped
He yelled “G**damn it” and the preacher said, “Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, say ‘Lord, help me, Lord help me.’”
The man went back to work and, a little while after, his hand slipped again and he said “Goddamn it” again.
The preacher again told him, “Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, say ‘Lord help me, Lord help me.”
The man put the car up on the jacks and got under it and, all of a sudden, the car starting coming down and he said, “Lord, help me, Lord help me!” And the car started rising.
The preacher said all of a sudden, “Well, Goddamn.”
A man is in court for murder
The trooper asked the driver
Three guys are in a Cessna.
The first drops a penny out the window.
The second drops a pencil and the third a bomb.
When the plane lands, the first guy goes to see where the penny landed.
He sees a guy swearing and trying to get a penny out of his forehead.
The second sees a girl holding her dog who has a pencil through his head.
The third guy sees a guy laughing his head off.
He asks, “Why are you laughing?”
The guy says, “I was cooking on my BBQ when I farted…”
“What’s so funny about that?”
“It blew my neighbor’s house apart!”
A man walks into a bank and says
Three blondes are talking about
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer.” the man began, “I can explain”.
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back…”
“But officer, I just wanted to say….”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
A man entered the bus
A teacher asks the kids
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball.
One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club spots them and says, “Hey Roger! How are you tonight?”
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.
“No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says, “Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?”
His wife’s eyes widen.
“You must come here a lot!”
“No, no” says Roger “I just know her from volleyball.”
Then a stripper walks up to the table.
She throws her arms around Roger and says “Roger!
A table dance as usual?” His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.
Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat.
His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger.
Just then, the cabby leans over and says, “Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!”
A old man goes into Victoria’s Secret
A woman awakes during the night
The old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said, “I would like to withdraw £10”.
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM.”
The old lady wanted to know why.
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter there is a line of customers behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance.
She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, “You have £300,000 in your account, but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?”
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to £3000.
“Well please let me have £3000 now.”
The teller, with a kind smile, handed £3000 to her.
The old lady put £10 in her purse and said,
“Please deposit this £2990 back into my account.”
A overweight blonde
Mike was driving home
A guy’s partner called him late at night worried that he wasn’t home yet
Partner: Where have you been? It’s near 3 am. And you sound very tense. What’s happened?
Guy: Oh God! I’m in the car.
But somebody has stolen the steering wheel! I don’t know what to do.
On top of that it’s raining like crazy and the car is getting flooded.
Partner: Are you drunk again?
Guy: Just a few beers. But that has nothing to do with this. Can you call someone?
Partner: Ok, listen to me. Just shut up and close your eyes. First, breathe.
Guy: Ok.
Partner: Now, get out of the passenger seat and go sit in the driver’s seat.
Guy: Woah!
Partner: Also, don’t drive, I’m coming to get you. (Drunk driving is bad, folks!)
Guy: Ok…
Partner: Finally, stop peeing. It’s not rained in three months.
Two guys walking in front of a large church
After returning from his honeymoon
Little Johnny and his father were walking in the park.
They saw two dogs having lovemaking.
Little Johnny asks, “What are they doing, dad?”
Dad replies, “They’re making puppies.”
Later that evening little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom and they are having lovemaking.
He asks, “What are you doing?”
Dad replies, “We’re making a baby.”
Little Johnny replies, “Well, can you turn her over? I want puppies.”
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon
A elderly couple had been dating
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.
The lab tech says to him, “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.”
“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” asked Mr. Smith.
“Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
“The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids
A very attractive young lady was sitting
Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days.
The lion starts chasing the two men.
They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.”
He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees.
Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.
As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer:
“Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”
A blind guy on a bar stool
John was talking to his fiance
Mr Brown was telling his son a bed-time story.
“Once upon a time there was a white bunny…”
“Jeez..dad it’s boring,what about science fiction?”
“Ok, Ok”
Mr Brown said,
“Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and….”
“Dad, a little more grown up!”
“Do you promise me not to tell your mom?” asked Mr Brown.
” I swear!”
“Ok”,
“Once upon a time there was a undressed bunny…”
A father was reading a magazine
The Elderly Couple Gets Stranded On Island
A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy complexion.
“I know” the patient said “It’s high blood pressure, it’s from my family.”
“Your mother’s side, or father’s side?” questioned the doctor.
Neither, my wife’s. “What?” the doctor said “that can’t be, how can you get it from your wife’s family?”
“Oh yeah,” the patient responded, “You should meet them sometime!”
A lady went to a doctor office
Sam goes to the doctor
A little boy walks in on his parents having make love,
his dad says Jacob please leave me and mommy are trying to make you a brother or sister
and the child replies, Daddy do in doggy style I want puppy.
One night a little girl walks
A boss said to his secretary