Two blonde gals went together to play the slot machines at the casino.
Each agreed that when her allotted money was gone, she would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for the other.
Trixie quickly lost all her money and went to sit on the bench.
She waited and waited.
After what seemed an eternity, she finally saw Patty coming toward her, carrying this huge sack of coins.
“Hey, Trixie,” said Patty, “how’d you do?” “Not very good,” came the reply.
“I’ve been waiting here for hours.”
Patty said: “You should have been with me did I ever find a good machine! It’s way in the back. Come! I’ll show it to you can’t lose! Ever time you put a dollar in, you win four quarters!”
A blonde is terribly overweight
A software engineer saw a bull pulling a cart
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
“Why do we have to learn this stuff?”
The young man blurted out.
“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again.
“So how does physics save lives?”
The professor stared at the student for a long time.
“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”
A secretary walked into her boss
Three people were stuck on an island
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home one day when there’s a knock at the door,
Mandela opens the door and there’s a Japanese man standing there,
Mandela asks him what he wants and the Japanese guy says he has the cars for him.
Mandela says he didn’t order any cars but the Japanese guy is insistent and points to the fully loaded car transporter outside.
Mandela again, argues that he didn’t order any cars, the two continue arguing for some time until eventually the Japanese guy storms off to his truck to get the paperwork.
He comes back waving the papers in Nelsons face, see he says “you are Nissan main dealer
A prist is drowing
A hunter had been out hunting bear
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”
Ex wife: “I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him”
Judge: “that is a simple yet good reason.”
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?”
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies
Ex Husband: “if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?”
A Dad and a Son were watching TV
A elderly couple learned how to send text messages
He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates.
St.Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St.Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged.
It does involves a lot of paperwork… but sure.
You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.”
Ralph never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn’t be that bad after all.
Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence.
Ralph replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.”
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just cluck twice and then push.”
Ralph clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg.
His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You’re shitting the bed!!!”
A woman goes to her doctor
A attorney telephoned the governor
An older lady was doing some household chores on a beautiful Sunday morning, when she suddenly heard the doorbell ring.
She opened the door to see a well dressed man standing there who said, “Hello, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, do you have a moment to discuss the Holy Word?”
The lady was in a good mood and had just put on a pot of coffee, so she invited the man in and sat down with him at the kitchen table.
When she offered him a cup of coffee, she noticed that the man looked a little lost.
She asked, “Now, what would you like to talk about, dear?”
The young man replied with a pale and shocked face.
“Beats the hell out of me, I’ve never gotten this far…”
The Man Confesses To His Neighbor
A blind man walks into a restaurant
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.
They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”
The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.
He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.
Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.
“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”
The devil realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing.
He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?”
They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”
The guard stops him and says
The pastor always said
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk’s buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.
“That damned Pete!” the drunk chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”
The teacher decides to play game
A guy comes home from the bar drunk
The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a pure and I don’t know anything about lovemaking. Can you explain it to me first?”
“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles.
“Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of lovemaking, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”
Limply turning his head, He yells at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence, OK!”
A husband and wife decided
A young couple decided to wed
A little boy asked his dad for a dollar to give to a little old lady in the park.
His father impressed by his son’s kindness, gave him the dollar.
“There you are my son,” said the father.
“But, tell me, isn’t the little lady able to work any more?”
“She sells candy” was the boy’s reply.
A elderly couple was in bed one night
A couple attended marriage counseling
A man walks into the barber shop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
A blonde goes to the doctor
A couple lays down for bed
An elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop and asks,
“How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About two hours.”
The elderly guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About two hours.”
The elderly guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and a half.”
The elderly guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.”
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”
Bill looked up and said, “To your house.”
The animals of the forest are having a meeting
A old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: “Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk shorts. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks: “Did you have a good trip, dear?”
He says: ” Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk shorts.”
His wife smiles and says, “Oh no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box!”
A young woman went to her doctor
A grade school teacher was asking students
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later.
His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I s*cked everybody in there dry.”
The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later with his nose and mouth covered in blood.
“You see the village over there?” Said the second vampire brother, “I s*cked everybody’s blood dry!”
The third vampire said “That’s nothing!” And flew off at 200mph and came back 10 seconds later,
his whole face and shirt DRENCHED in blood.
“Woah, what happened?” Said the first brother.
“Well, you see that tree over there?” Said the third vampire.
“Yeah?” Replied the other brothers, “I didn’t.”
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest
Two drunks are talking in a bar
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and they both had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said “Where are you, you know we have lots to do.”
He said “You remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
“Yes, I do remember that shop,” she replied.
“Well… I am in the gun shop next door to that.”
A couple made a deal
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.”
So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?”
“No,” replies the doctor, “take one on Monday, skip Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip Thursday and go on like that.”
Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.
“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy, “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
Two men were sitting in a pub drinking
A old Italian man goes to church for confession
A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.
“Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!”
“Oh, please?” the girlfriend asked again in a nice little voice.
“Really, I can’t” he replied, “My wife loves this beard!”
The girlfriend asked once more and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
Wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”
A little old lady tried to phone
A kid walks into a class
An Irishman’s been at a pub all night drinking.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed.
So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”
“How did you know?” he asks.
“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
A blonde and a brunette were discussing
A man went into a bank
A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked that was the problem, she responded, “Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my melons get hard.”
Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, “Your melons get hard?”
“Yes” quite innocently came her reply.
“Undress so I can check” replied the still amazed doc.
So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer.
After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, “Well madame, I don’t know what you have, but it sure as hell is contagious!”
The angry wife met her husband
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll
Tim, Tom, and Teddy were all lost in the forest, each of them had 25 cents to survive.
They walked around for hours, and had no luck.
So Tim suggested that they split up and meet up at that same spot in an hour,
they all agreed and set out on their separate ways.
While walking Tim came across a tool taste it machine, that cost 25 to use, and he says,
“Wow! Haven’t got my tool taste it in a while! Why not!” So he puts in his quarter, gets his tool taste it and continues on his way.
Then while Tom was walking he comes across it as well, he realized they only had 10 minutes until they were to all meet up again, so he says,
“Well I haven’t got my tool taste it in a while, why not?”
so he puts in his quarter and gets his tool taste it, after gathering himself he realizes he needed to hurry back , he gets there and Tom and Teddy are waiting for him.
“Where were you?” asked Teddy.
“Lost track of time.” Said Tom
“Well does everyone have their quarters?” Asks Teddy.
They all share a look. “Well?” asks Teddy.
“I lost mine!” Said Tim and Tom at the same time.
Teddy then smiles and pulls out 3 quarters.
One day there was this little girl watching TV
Anant went to his friend’s house
Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
“Isn’t it wonderful?” one gay says to the other.
“All these unhappy babies.. and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the Superiority of gay love!”
The nurse says,
“Oh sure, he’s happy now but just watch what happens,…
When we pull the thermometer out of his ass
An american was touring Mexico
Romantic Love Night After 50 Years
A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said,
“I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained.
“Tell me some good news for once.”
“Alright, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”
A man walks into a hamburger shop
A college physics professor
A Londoner meets a stereotypical American redneck
The redneck tells him: “Why don’t y’all like guns? They’re completely safe!
See, I have mine in my safe next to my bed,
I know the passcode so well I can take my gun and kill any intruder in half a second!”
The Londoner replies: “Really? Is it truly that safe?”
The redneck replies: “Sure! I’ll give you as much time as you want to crack the safe!
If you do it, I’ll give you some of that tea stuff y’all seem to like!”
The Londoner, excited by this offer agrees, after a few seconds the Londoner already cracked the safe.
The redneck, comes out in anger and yells: “How the hell did you find the passcode so quickly?
Are you a bank robber?”
“No.” Replies the Londoner:
“I’m a historian, and I just guessed correctly that your passcode, is 1776.”
A guy is eating breakfast with his wife
I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought?
Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds
What are you doing here?”
The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi?
Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”
he lawyer looked puzzled
“Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”
The rain was pouring
Lying in the hospital bed a dying man
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
“I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy.
“Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
The second guy hands the first guy the money.
“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy.
“I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”
“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy.
“I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”
A elderly couple were on a cruise
He walked into the kitchen
A teacher asks her class, ”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.
”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, ”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then Little Johnny says, ”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and taste it the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and taste it the cone.”
”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on but I like your thinking.”
She goes to doctor
A squirrel and 2 bees are going on a road trip
There was a loser who couldn’t get a date.
He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, “It’s simple.
I just say, I’m a lawyer.”
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said “No,” he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, “Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?”
He said, “Why,… Yes I am!”
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, lovemaking, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already lovemaking someone.
One knight told his best friend
Young lady drove a little yellow sports car
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is lesbian.”
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.
When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says,
“I just found out that my youngest son is lesbian, too!”
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, “Yeah, my wife!”
The Social Security Office
A doctor says to them
A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’
Little Larry says: ‘I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.’
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ‘And how about you, Sarah?’
‘I wanna be Larry’s whore.’
A police officer in a small town stopped
A woman went to doctor office
A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel who shows him around the place
“Over there is a local restaurant, it’s guaranteed to have your favorite meal there” said the angel
“And over there is a theater, and to the left, there’s a swimming pool”
The angel soon finishes the tour and finds that the man is overjoyed.
The angel had one more thing to say though, “going to the gym on a daily basis is mandatory”
The man, out of curiosity asks why
“How do you think we stay demon-free? We make sure everyone exorcises their demons”
A man stands before St. Peter
The Scotsman’s first baseball game