An old man notices that his wife is having trouble hearing.
He tries telling her to go for a hearing test, but she won’t hear of it.
He decides to prove to her there’s something wrong with her hearing.
He goes upstairs, takes out a recorder, turns it on and, knowing she is in the kitchen, yells downstairs,
“Honey, what’s for supper?”
No answer. He goes downstairs and yells
“Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no answer.
He enters the living room and yells again, “Honey, what’s for supper?” No answer.
He even stands right outside the kitchen and yells, “What’s for supper?” and still, no answer.
Finally, he stands right behind her and asks, “Honey. What’s. For. Supper?!” and she turns around and says.
“Damnit Al, for the hundredth time, CHICKEN!!!”
The man gets up and goes to door
She saw her daughter with a vibrator
An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
“If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?”
“I’d have to say the living one.”
Quasimodo goes to a doctor
This guy walks into a bar
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if it is make love after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact: “Marion… Marion.”
“Is that you, Bob?”
“Yes, I’ve come back as we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have lovemaking. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.”
I have make love again, bathe in the warm sun and then have lovemaking a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch you’d be proud lots of greens.
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have lovemaking the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it’s back to golf course again.
Then it’s more lovemaking until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”
“Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?”
“No I’m a rabbit in Kent’.”
A boy was walking down the street
A couple were in a busy shopping center
A doctor goes to his office one Monday and is shocked to find that it has been ransacked and the files have all been mixed up.
He sees the file for Mrs. Smith, but her chart is mixed up with some of the others and he can’t tell which is which.
He finally narrows it down to two charts and he decides to call her house. Mr.Smith answers the phone.
“Mr. Smith, this is Dr. Jenkins. I have bad news. Your wife either has HIV or Alzheimer’s Disease, I don’t know which.”
“Well, what should I do?” asks a distraught Mr. Smith.
“Drop her off at the edge of town,” says the doctor, “and if she finds her way back, don’t bang her!”
Two dwarfs go into a bar
A fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach
One late Saturday night, a young guy walks 18-year-old Rachel to her front door.
They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny .
The alcohol they drank just minutes before, gave him a boost of confidence.
With a smile on his face, he leans with his arm against the wall and says:
“So… How about a bl*wjob?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you crazy? My parents might see us!”
He answers:
“Oh, come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?” She insists.
He continues, “Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
Her: “No way, it’s too risky.”
The light turns on
The boyfriend is now super horny:
“Please… I love you so much!”
She answers with a sad voice: “I love you too, but I just can’t…
I would never be able to look at my parents in the eyes again.”
“Please?..” the guy continues, now really desperate.
Out of the blue, the light on the door turns on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her shorts with messy hair.
In a sleepy voice, she says: “Dad says to go ahead and give him a bl*wjob.
Or mom can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it.
But for God’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom.
A blonde woman walking down the street
Doctor I’m having difficulty falling pregnant
A rich lady gives her butler the night off because she is going out on a date.
When she arrives back home from the date she saw the butler was still home and sitting in the front room.
The rich lady approaches the butler and requests that he remove her dress, so the butler removes her dress.
She then asks the butler to remove her corset, which he does.
She then asks him to remove her undergarment and he this this also.
The lady then tells the butler never to dress in her clothes again.
A father has three daughters
A woman goes into a toy shop
One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her privet part.
She told the doctor her problem and he said, “You have the crabs”.
She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old pure.
She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him.
The doctor said, “You probably have the crabs”.
“No” she said, “I am an eighty year old pure.”
Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.
She said, “Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my privet part. Don’t tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old pure. It can not be the crabs.”
The doctor said, Jump on the table and let’s have a look.”
“After examining the doctor proclaimed, “Ma’am, your right, you do not have the crabs, this cherry is so old, you have fruit flies.”
Three ex-pats are drinking in a NY city bar
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson
A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine.
Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you!”
“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.
“It’s me,” says the wife.
“Talking to the wine.”
A couple attended marriage counseling
He staggers into the bedroom
He goes to his local priest to see if he has an answer.
The boy presents the question and the priest is completely at a loss of words.
The question is so challenging that he could not give an answer.
Unwilling to let the boy go unsatisfied without an answer, the priest takes the boy to a local bishop that knows even more about religion than the priest.
The boy approaches the bishop and asks him the same question again, the bishop has no answer that will satisfy.
The parties seeing that the boy is getting discouraged that no one can answer the question the bishop sends the boy directly to the Vatican to talk to the pope.
This pope was very popular among the people and he knew everything, he was so smart they called him Pope The Wise.
The boy walks up to the pope and asks him the question.
The pope begins to answer but then gets choked up and realized that not even he has the answer for the question.
As all hope was just about to be lost, an old nun walks into the room.
The nun asks the boy to ask her this famous question and the boy does.
The nun formulates the most perfect answer to the boys question.
Almost everyone rejoices and all is good.
Except the pope looks a little upset.
He exclaims “This is impossible! Explain to me how a simple nun could be smarter than me! Pope The Wise?!”
But she was Nun The Wiser.
Friendship
A man who worked for the post office
A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager, “Got any fresh fruit?”
“No.”
“Got any fresh vegetables?”
“No We have only canned and dry goods.”
The next day, the duck returns
“Got any fresh fruit?”
“No.”
“Got any fresh vegetables?”
“No
I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods.
If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I’ll nail your flippers to the floor.”
On the third day, the duck walks in and asks, “Got any nails?”
“No.”
“Got any fresh fruit?”
A long day of golf with his golf buddies
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum
A old man went to a doctor with multiple complaints.
“I see spots before my eyes,” he said.
“It’s due to old age,” said the doctor.
“No food agrees with me,” said the man.
“That too is due to old age,” said the doctor.
“The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.”
“My back is giving me trouble,” persisted the man.
“Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.”
“Old age,” said the doctor.
This was too much for the man.
“Why do you go on saying ‘old age, old age,” he screamed.
“If you cannot cure me, say so. I’ll go elsewhere.”
“See how easily you lost your temper,” said the doctor.
“That is another characteristic of old age.”
At last, the old man slaps him, and the doctor asks, “Why did you slap me?”
The old man said “This is also due to old age, you see”
A old man goes to a restaurant and orders
A professor sits with a farmer in a train
Three women are talking about their make love lives.
One says, “I call my husband ‘The dentist’ because nobody can drill like he does.”
The next says, “Well, I call my husband ‘The Miner’ because he has an incredible shaft.”
The third sighs and says, “I call mine ‘The Postman.’
“Why the ‘Postman’?” asks one of them.
“Because he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box!” says the woman.
A grade school teacher was asking students
A magician was working on a cruise ship
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
“Twenty bucks,” she says.
He’s never been with a call girl before, but he decides what the hell.
They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it’s a police officer.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “neither did I until you shined that light in her face.”
So my mom decided to sell her house
Three Engineers are Discussing God
Paddy and Murphy were watching a John Wayne movie.
Paddy said to Murphy,
“I bet you €5 John Wayne falls off this horse and the horse goes over the cliff.”
Murphy said,
“Ok Paddy.” So there they are, watching the film and John Wayne falls off the horse and the horse goes over the cliff.
Paddy turns round to Murphy.
“I told you what would happen.”
Murphy said,
“You’re right Paddy, there you go €5.
Paddy thinks and at the end of the film, says.
“I feel pretty bad here Murphy.”
“Why that Paddy?”
“Because I’ve seen this film before.”
Murphy says,
“So have I, but I didn’t expect him to make the same mistake twice.”
A rancher was minding his own business
The wise man
A woman was cutting her husband’s thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack.
She offered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities.
“It has more vitamin C than an orange,” she remarked.
“And more hair than Dad,” added their son.
The Beggar & The Guru
The two were at the same table
The new member of the club listened with solemn interest to the various stories that were told in the smoking room.
They were good stories, and obviously lies, and each of them was a bigger lie than any that had gone before.
Finally, the company insisted that the new member should relate a tale.
He refused at first, but under pressure yielded, and gave a vivid account of a shipwreck at sea during one of his voyages.
He described the stress of the terrible situation with such power that his hearers were deeply impressed.
He reached the point in his account where only the captain and himself and half a dozen others were left aboard the doomed vessel, after the last of the boats had been lowered.
“And then,” he concluded, “a vast wave came hurtling down on us it was so huge that it shut out all the sky.
It crashed over the already sinking ship in a torrent of irresistible force under that dreadful blow the laboring vessel sank, and all those left on board of her were drowned.”
The narrator paused and there was a period of tense silence but presently someone asked:
“And you what became of you?”
“Oh, I,” was the reply, “why I was drowned with the rest of them.”
The girls were beginning to use lipstick
The waitress says “I’m sorry
Three ladies walked into a bar. One brunette, one redhead, and one blonde.
They went to the tender and he said:” theres a magic mirror in the bathroom, if you tell the truth in front of it you will walk away with whatever you wish for.
If you lie however, you will disappear forever”
The three ladies one by one went to the mirror and gave their “truths”
Brunette: I think im smart! The brunette walked out with million dollars
Redhead: My dog is my bestie.
The redhead walked out with a ticket for a life time supply of dogfood.
A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s parents
There are several men sitting
A husband got a message from his neighbour one day.
It read “Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now”
The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife.
He hide the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying “Sorry meant using your wifi”
Three construction workers where sitting on the bridge
One smart father goes to his son
The salesman approaches the farmer and says, “Good day to you sir! I’d like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what.”
Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and without a word leads the man to the barn.
When they get there he says,
“You a good salesman? Let me tell you a story.”
“The other day I came out to milk old Bessie. I just got sat down behind her and she kicks me with her back left leg.”
“So I tied it to the stall. Then she kicks me with her back right leg. So I tied that to the stall, too. Then she swats me right in the face with her tail. So I tied a piece of twine to her tail and looped the other end
over the rafters.”
The salesman gives a puzzled nod, and the farmer continues.
“Then my wife walked into the barn and she sees me standing behind old Bessie.”
“Now, mister… if you can convince my wife I was only trying to MILK that cow I’ll buy one of your damn tractors.”
A baby turtle was standing
Three little boys visiting their grandparents
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.
One 75-year-old man says: “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee.”
An 80-year-old man says: “My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”
The 90-year-old man says: “Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow.”
“So what’s your problem?” asked the others.
“I don’t wake up until 9:00.”
A woman takes her daughter to doctor
A pastor told the congregation
He is in charge of the copying of holy texts. He notices that all of the monks are copying copies of their sacred texts.
He goes to the head monk, “If there is an error in one of the copies, all of the subsequent copies will have the same error.”
The head monk replies, “We have been doing it this way for centuries, but I understand your concern.”
So he heads to the cellar to check all of the main copies against the original texts.
Hours later no-one has seen him and they begin to get worried.
They send a monk to the cellar to check on him.
He finds him sitting and weeping next to their main text.
He asks the head monk, “What’s wrong? What did you find?”
The head monk looks at him with pain in his eyes,
“It says celebrate!”
A Burglar Invades A House
A man stopped at a flower shop
A blonde walks into an empty bar on New Year’s Eve and asks the bartender if she can use his phone to wish her family back in St. Louis a happy new year.
“Well,” starts the bartender, “the rates are pretty high on New Year’s. You’ll have to leave me a couple of bucks.”
“Oh, darn!” she replies, “I don’t have a dime! What am I gonna do? This is my first holiday without my family.”
The bartender gives it about 2 seconds thought and comes back with a proposal.
“Why don’t you just come back here behind the bar… I’m sure we can work out a way for you to speak with them.”
Eagerly, the blonde runs behind the bar just as the bartender starts to unzip his fly and pull out his mickey.
“Okay, honey,” he says as he gestures towards his, “just put your mouth up to this!”
Desperately wanting to do as he says, the girl kneels down and does what she’s told.
She brings her mouth up to his and quizzically goes “Hello, Mom?”
A teacher was working with a group of children
A business man got on an elevator
A man came home from work and settled down in his favorite chair in front of the TV and said to his wife “quick bring me a beer before it starts!”
She looks a little puzzled but brought him a beer When he finished it he said “Quick, bring me another beer it’s gonna start!”
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone he said “Quick! Get me another beer before it starts!”
“That’s it!” She blows her top “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down,
don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer!?
Don’t you realize I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long!?”
The husband sighed and said “oh shit, it’s started”
One day, a park ranger stopped by my house
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good!
Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great!
And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”
A doctor says to his patient
A man is skydiving enjoying
Marriage… in different directions…
Before the marriage:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don’t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I’m not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
Now after the marriage you can read it from below to up !!!!
Software developer monkey
Wife Going To Las Vegas
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren.
She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
“Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?”
A woman phones up her husband
Quasimodo goes to a doctor
A grandmother was surprised when she woke up to a cup of coffee from her 8-year-old grandson Johnny.
She gulped down the most bitter coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her grandson to feel like he made something his grandma loved.
At the bottom of the cup, she found three little green army men.
Puzzled, she asked, “Honey, what are these toys doing in my coffee?”
The boy replied “I’m just doing what it says on the TV, grandma
“The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.”
A man enters a barber shop
A man was sitting on the edge
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the 9 kids are able to fit on the bus.
After hearing about the predicament, the blind man lets the children get on instead of him.
The wife asks her husband to take their youngest in the baby carriage and walk home.
Since the blind man had been such a gentleman and let the family get on instead of him, the New Yorker decides that he’ll take a detour and walk the blind man home.
As the bus drove off, the two men started to walk while the baby slept.
After a while, the baby woke up from the sound of the blind man’s stick hitting the sidewalk, and started crying.
The father, already irritated from missing the bus, got even more frustrated.
He said, ”Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That sound is driving me crazy!”
The blind man replied, ”If you had put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus!”
little boys were lying on stretchers
A attorney arrived home late
Predicting the weather
A local news station is is starting its broadcast for the daily weather and they start talking about rain for the day.
The meteorologist starts in “We are looking at about a 60% chance of rain for the day mostly cloudy.”
In the back of the station someone chirps up “Hey it’s raining right now!”
The meteorologist looks back into the camera and says “Looks like there has been a slight change in the forecast,
we are now looking at a 90% chance of rain”
Two Lawyer Friends Playing Golf
After their baby was born
I went to a Dynamo show the other day…
I went to a Dynamo show the other day with my mom and dad.
We were sat in the audience and Dynamo asked for a participant, and me being clever I stuck my arm up thinking he wouldn’t choose me.
“You there!”
Crap, so I walked on down and he said pass me your watch, now bare in mind this watch costed me £200 and that I had only bought it other day.
So he then placed into a handkerchief and then he smashed it with a small hammer.
“Crap! That wasn’t supposed to happen”
So I thought oh brilliant, how that’s £200 down the drain, he exclaimed his sincere apologies and told me to come him once the show was over, and so I waited nearly 2 hours before I then went backstage to see him where he was holding some donuts.
So I thought to myself, “donuts?”.
“Pick the middle one, and take a bite”
So I chose the middle one, took a bite and you know what was in it?
Jam
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A kid asks his father