A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”
The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
A man is talking to the family doctor
A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying “Disney World Left!”
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said “Oh well!” and started driving back home.
A man walked into the office of an psychiatrist
A famous doctor was being interviewed
Joan invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” Joan answered.
The girl thought for a minute, then bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
The teacher of the earth science class
John and Tony were in the bar
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe the worms closely,” said the teacher putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the teacher asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
A man is sitting on a train
A small guy goes into an elevator
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!”
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage.
The police officer asked, “That old lady says that you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Why not?
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!”
A sweet old lady telephoned
A man was walking down the street
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus.
So she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve.
Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks.
He is about to leave when the girl says in a cute voice,
“Oh Santa, please stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
The girl drops the robe to reveal a corset and underwear and says in an even nice voice,
“Oh Santa, please stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
Santa begins to sweat.
The girl takes off her corset and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go,
Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
Santa wipes his brow.
She loses the underwear and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay…”
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow says,
“HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
Johnny down to the pond to get some water
At an airline ticket counter, all of the ticket agents were doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as they could.
A man at the end of the passenger line was impatient and frustrated at having to wait so long in the slow-moving line.
He finally decided to march up to the counter to demand that he be given his boarding pass.
The ticket agent turned, and said, “Sir, as you can see, there are many passengers ahead of you we are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we can I’m afraid you’ll have to get back in line.”
Outraged and red in the face, the man yelled at the ticket agent, “Do you know who I am??!!”
The ticket agent turned, picked up the public address system microphone and said calmly, “There is a man at the ticket counter, who does not know who he is anyone who may be able to identify this man is asked to please step forward and identify him Thank you.”
Mike was driving home
A photographer
A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the wife.
“It’s on sale. Only $10 for a case,” he replies.
“We can’t afford it. Put it back,” demands the wife.
They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
“So does the Budweiser and it’s half the price,” retorts the husband.
John and David were both patients
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it.
Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake.
That was my cousin and I’m going to give you two choices either I maul you to death or we have making love.”
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear has his way with Frank, Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder this time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Frank.
That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices, Either I maul you to death or we have rough make love.”
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death.
So the grizzly has his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting do you?
A 24 year old boy
A hotel guest calls the front desk
Three elderly men are at the doctor’s office for a memory test.
The doctor asks the first man, “What is three times three?”
“274,” came the reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man,
“It’s your turn. What is three times three?”
“Tuesday,” replies the second man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man,
“Okay, your turn. What’s three times three?”
“Nine,” says the third man.
“That’s great!” says the doctor.
“How did you get that?”
“Simple,” he says, “just subtract 274 from Tuesday.”
The wife served breakfast to the Husband
The housewife was having her TV repaired
An elderly patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.
When asked what he would do if released, he replied,
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place.”
Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question.
His reply was the same.
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place”.
Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released.
The elderly patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.
The elderly patient said, “You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions.”
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.
So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.
He said, “I am going to get a job, find an apartment, and settle down.”
“Good,” they said, and then what?”
He said, “I want to meet a nice girl and start dating.”
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, “And then what”?
“One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her corset off and lie her down on the bed.”
“Yes? they said excitedly.
“Then I am going to gently remove her underwear,” he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked,
“Then what are you going to do?”
He said, “I am going to take the elastic out of those underwear, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!
A lawyer and senior citizen are sitting a train
Johnny decided to ask his dad
Three men attend a job interview to join the FBI.
The first man walked into the office, and the FBI agent who was conducting the interview explained: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, but then hesitated and said: ‘Sorry, I can’t do it.’
Next it was the second man’s turn to be interviewed.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, walked out again. ‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I can’t do it.’
Finally it was the third man’s turn.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun and went into the room.
The agent heard six shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
Seconds later the man came out of the room, saying: ‘Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, so I had to beat her to death with the chair!’
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise
Four freshman partied too hard
A man gathered all of his children together and said,
“Children when George Washington knocked down the cherry tree, he told his father honestly that it was him, now answer me honestly, Who knocked down the outhouse?”
Finally the youngest son admitted it was him, at which he received a lashing he wouldn’t soon forget.
“That’s not fair” complained the son, “George Washington didn’t get punished when he told the truth.”
“Son” replied the Father “The difference is, that George Washington’s a father wasn’t in the tree when he knocked it down!”
Jim grabbed his suitcase
The woman had two female parrots
Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap. He mind controls his caddy to mark it a hole-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the hole.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!!!”
A police officer asks a thief
A Father’s Last Request
Three babies are in their mother’s womb.
One of them says, “I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here.”
The next one says, “I want to be an Olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here.”
Then the last baby says,” I’m going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again I’m gonna chop that damned thing in half!”
A man goes to confess
Two turtles walk into a bar
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children.
Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
“Darling wife,” the husband whispers, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if.”
The wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
A couple in their nineties were both having problems
Ole and Lena are having make love
There was an old lady who was very small,
Her name was Reanne but everyone called her Re.
After a while Re died of old age and the whole town was dismayed.
Re was so small that her family didn’t bury her and instead later her to rest in a flower.
When the town folks came by to pay their respects they were surprised that instead of an old lady in the flower they saw a tiny baby looking around.
When the townsfolk asked the family they simply responded:
“That’s normal, that’s just Re in carnation”
A magician was working on a cruise ship
One day a little boy gets on a bus
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them in fifty years’ time.
The first said, “I would like my grandchildren to say ‘He was great fun to be with.’”
“Fifty years from now,” said the second, “I want mine to say ‘He was a loyal and loving family man.’”
Turning to the third man, they asked him, “So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?”
“I want them to say,” the third man replied, “He looks really good for his age!”
Three drunks get into a taxi
Two hunters Paul and Kurt
The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, “Look at these. They’re the most perfect ones God ever created, and I’m proud to own them.
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks The Queen the same question.
She then drops her skirt and underwear, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, “OK, Your Majesty, you may go in.”
Dolly is outraged.
She screams, “What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and gets in and I don’t?!!!”
“Sorry, Dolly,” says St. Peter, “but a royal flush beats a pair any day.”
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant
A woman consulted a divorce attorney
Once upon a time, two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict.
It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.
Then the long collaboration fell apart.
It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.
One morning there was a knock on John’s door he opened it to find a man with a carpenter’s toolbox, “I’m looking for a few days work” he said.
“Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there could I help you?” “Yes,” said the older brother.
“I do have a job for you look across the creek at that farm that’s my neighbor, in fact, it’s my younger brother.
Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us.
Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I’ll go him one better see that pile of lumber curing by the barn?
I want you to build me a fence — an 8-foot fence — so I won’t need to see his place anymore.”
The carpenter said, “I think I understand the situation show me the nails and the post-fanny digger and I’ll be able to do a job that pleases you.”
The older brother had to go to town for supplies, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day.
The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing.
About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job.
The farmer’s eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped.
There was no fence there at all, It was a bridge — a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other!
A fine piece of work — handrails and all — and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched.
“You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I’ve said and done.”
The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other’s hand.
They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder.
“No, wait! Stay a few days I’ve a lot of other projects for you,” said the older brother.
“I’d love to stay on,” the carpenter said, “but, I have many more bridges to build.”
A lawyer’s dog
Two boys are playing football
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water.
Next week is his first communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game,.
Took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him
why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
“You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one!”
The student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.
“The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars.
We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing …. and… ”
…pausing to take another drink of beer…
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student’s litany and said,…
“You’re right, son. We didn’t have those things when we were young, so we invented them.
Now, you – arrogant little shit – what are you doing for the next generation?”
On their wedding night
Software developer monkey
A blonde was driving down the road and she looks up and she sees a tree so she swerves to the left.
The tree is still front of her so she swerves to the right, this time her car rolls into the ditch.
When the Police Officer came to the scene of the accident the blonde told the Police Officer about the tree that was in front of her.
The officer kindly explained that the tree was the green air freshener hanging off her rear view mirror.
A man hasn’t been feeling well
A Father is asked by his friend
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration’, she answered “Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled.
“Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
He couldn’t remember try as he might, he just could not recall not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me!”
A woman was cutting her husband’s thinning hair
After a long sermon
A Blonde bought a brand new Car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend.
She reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening.
But she didn’t reach home in the evening and not the next day either.
When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her “What Happened?”
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said,
“Oh these car designers, those people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!”
Two old men are sat on a bench
A couple on their first night
An blonde girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
“How many children?” asks the council worker.
“10” replies the blonde girl.
“10???” says the council worker.. “What are their names?”
“Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne”
“Doesn’t that get confusing?”
“Naah…” says the blonde girl “its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER’S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it…”
“What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the perturbed council worker.
“That’s easy,” says the girl… “I just use their surnames”
A elderly woman went into the doctor
The doctor came out and said
A couple decide to take their young daughter to zoo one weekend
While standing around the elephant exhibit the little girl notice that the big bull elephant has huge manhood
She whisper to her mother “What is that between his legs?”
Her mother whisper back “Oh that is nothing darling.”
Not satisfied with mothers answer she whisper to her father
“Daddy what does he have between his legs?
Her father whisper back “That his tool darling.
He put that inside the lady elephant to make baby elephants.”
The little girl get confused & whisper “Mum says it’s nothing.”
Father reply “Yes but I spoil that woman.”
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
A Husband was a bit embarrassed
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money
Many people had tried…
over time: weightlifters, dockers, etc., but nobody could do it.
One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, “OK”; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow But the Crowd’s laughter turned to total silence…
as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man: “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little fellow quietly replied: “I work for the Australian Taxation Office
A doctor entered the hospital
The first snow of the season
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.
One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing.
She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off,
but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”
He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach.
Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
“Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”
“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. “She’s selling batteries.”
“Batteries?” cried the wife.
“Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells by the Seashore.”
The little girls answer shocks the teacher
A Woman Is Overweight, so goes on a diet
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy something.
“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the creek to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got,” said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said,
“My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”
The old man was so happy, he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it.
The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.
She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said,
“so this is the hussy he’s been fooling’ around with!”
The woman was discussing with her maid
A man called his doctor