Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.
“Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” He asked his mother.
“He thinks a lot” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness.
She was until Johnny thought for a second and asked “So why do you have so much hair?
A 12-year-old girl was walking
Let us enjoy reading this story
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.
A man comes in and asks the farmer,
“Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So what happened that is so horrible?
Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
Man: That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal?
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So then what happened.
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope then I sat down and continued to milk her just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Something’s ya just can’t explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: So then what did you do?
Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So then what did you do.
Farmer: Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter at that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
The Lamaze class was in full swing
At the station
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table…
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,”
she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together.
Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.
He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is.
He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital
A Mafia Godfather finds out
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.
The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act.
He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.
The doctor said, “David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity.
Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable.
The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”
David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”
The nurse asks him
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room.
He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset.
“What’s the matter?” She asks
“I’ve got no-one to pass these onto to when I go”.
Says the old man, looking at his photos.
“Let me show you” and he presents her with a photo of an old car,
“this is my vintage E type Jaguar. It’s priceless and in pristine condition”
“I’ll… I’ll let you have it if you just give me a quick flash of those lovely melons.”
Interested in the prospect of inheriting the old man’s car and feeling a bit sorry for the old geezer, she agrees and proceeds to undress for him.
Looking visibly happier, he pulls out another photo,
“This is my house in Devon. It’s an 8 bedroom mansion with a swimming pool and 25 acres of land.”
“You can have it, only, I’d love to see those melons bouncing.
She thinks about this for a few seconds, then agrees and proceeds to jump up and down topless in front of the old man.
Now vibrant, the old man grabs another photo and says,
“here, look, this is my yacht off of the coast of Gibraltar.”
“It’s yours if you could just let me play with those spiffing melons of yours for a couple of minutes.”
Deciding it’s worth it, she leans forward and lets the old man have a good fumble of her jubilees.
Wide-eyed and with a cheeky grin on his face, the old man says,
“thank you so much, my dear.”
He stands up and hands her the three photographs.
A sixteen year-old boy came home
A blonde told her doctor
An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon.
They were in bed getting ready to lovemaking for the first time and the old woman said,
“I should tell you I have acute angina.”
The old man says, “I hope so.
You sure don’t have cute melons.”
Husband in bed with another woman
A old lady comes into the kitchen
Johnny and Susie were playing undressed, wondering why they have different “parts”
When Johnny got home he asked his mother why he had a stick and Susie had a hole.
Johnny’s mother said “oh son, you have a Ferrari, and Susie has a garage; the time will come and you’ll park your Ferrari in her garage.”
When Susie got home she asked her father why she had a hole and Johnny had a stick.
Susie’s father stated “you have a garage and Johnny is just a sports car trying to park. Don’t let him park in your garage!”
So a few days pass and sure enough, Johnny and Susie are playing undressed again when Johnny proudly stands up and says “Susie, let me park my Ferrari in your garage”, to which she refuses.
Johnny continues to insist on parking his Ferrari until Susie has had enough and goes home.
When Susie gets home, her mother asks “Susie… what’s all that red stuff on your hands?” To which Susie replied: “Johnny tried to park his Ferrari in my garage, so I ripped the back wheels off.”
A man goes to take out a loan
A guy who has a bad stutter
“A 70 years old retired Military officer had one hobby he loved to fish.
He was sitting in his boat and fishing when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up’ .
He looked around and couldn’t see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the same voice say again, ‘Pick me up.’
He looked in the water and saw a frog floating on the water surface.
The officer asked the frog: ‘Are you talking to me?’
The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up & kiss me; and I’ll turn into the most beautiful girl you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!’
The retired officer looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?’
I said, ‘Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.’
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
‘Nah. I would like to have a talking frog rather than a nagging wife with age wisdom comes!
Three old ladies were sitting at dinner
A accountant is in a car travelling
Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says, ‘I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.’
His second friend says, ‘I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.’
Santa says, ‘I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.’
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
‘No I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.’
A teacher realized that one of his students
A elderly couple a priest and a doctor
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office.
The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.
“She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.”
The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.”
She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?”
“No, mummy,” said the girl.
“Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!”
The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again.
Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?”
“No, Madam,” said the doctor.
“It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”
A husband exclaims to his wife one day
A policeman pulled over a car
The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company’s production line.
At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
“This”, he said,…
…”is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it”.
At which a Clever Guest stepped forward – there is always one – and spoke into the Computer’s microphone.
“Where is my father?” he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words: Fishing at Bighorn River, Montana.
Clever Guest laughed.
“Actually”, he said, “My father is dead!”
It had been a tricky question!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,
immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory,
but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said,
“Where is my mother’s husband?”
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.
And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words,
“Dead. But your father is still fishing at Bighorn River, Montana.”
Once upon a time a married couple
What is Celibacy
The math teacher was giving a lesson on fractions and wrote an example on the chalkboard.
He explained that the numerator was the top and the denominator was the bottom.
Leaning against the board, he asked the class, “Are there any questions?”
When he turned back to face the board, laughter filled the room.
“Mr. Alexander,” one student giggled, “you have chalk dust all over your denominator!”
A man goes into a coffee shop
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital
A man lives in a high rise on the 15th floor.
Every morning, on the way to work, he takes the elevator all the way down to the 1st floor.
But when he comes home, he takes the elevator to the 8th floor and walks the rest of the way up.
The only exception is when it’s raining. Why?
The man’s a midget, and can’t reach the buttons.
When it’s raining, he has his umbrella with him, so he can reach the 15 button with it.
Two men were hunting in the woods
A police officer asks a thief
A blonde was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later the blonde complained to the doctor that they didn’t produce the desired results.
“Have you been taking them regularly?” the doctor asked.
“What do you think I’ve been doing,” the blonde said, “Shoving them up my bum?”
Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time
Two man decide to go duck hunting
A waiter takes an order from a customer who requests half a Caesar salad.
The waiter responds, “Well, we offer a small and a large. Would you like the small?”
The customer replies, “No, I don’t want a small or a large. I want half a Caesar salad. Why is that so difficult?”
The waiter says, “Alright… let me check with the chef.”
He heads toward the kitchen, unaware that the customer has left his table and is following closely behind.
Reaching the kitchen, the waiter tells the chef, “There’s a guy out there asking for half a Caesar salad…” He points toward the dining area with his palm, only to realize the customer is standing right behind him.
“And this distinguished gentleman,” the waiter quickly adds, “would like the other half.”
The owner of a company tells his employees
A little girl received a tea
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect.
Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”.
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said.
“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”
A teacher reprimanded the teenager
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover
One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper.
The dad turned to Little Jimmy and asked,
“Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?”
To this Little Jimmy replied,
“I want some of them bang’ peas.”
In a flash, dad slapped the sh!t out of Little Jimmy.
“Now what did you want to eat first Jimmy?” asked the dad.
“I want some of them bang’ peas,” said Jimmy.
Dad then backhanded Little Jimmy clean out of his chair and halfway across the room.
Little Jimmy shook it off and promptly returned to the table.
Returning to the table, short of breath, and trying to regain his composure, the dad turned to his other son Little Johnny and calmly asked,
“Well Little Johnny, just what would you like to eat first?”
Little Johnny, glancing at his brother on the floor, turned back to his dad and quickly exclaimed,
“Well you can bet your sweet bum, it ain’t none of them bang’ Peas!”
Johnny down to the pond to get some water
The teacher asked Little Johnny
A 91-year-old lady comes to the dentist’s office in North Dakota.
She claimed it was an emergency, so the young doctor working in the clinic prepared himself for the worst.
The old lady walks into the dentist’s office with her cane in one hand, struggling to get to where the doctor is.
“Good day, ma’am,” says the dentist.
“Hello,” responds the grandma.
She sits in the chair, quickly lowers her underpants, and lifts her legs wide open.
The young man can’t believe his eyes, and his face becomes as red as a tomato from the embarrassment.
“Oh, eh… Excuse me, ma’am, but I’m not a gynecologist,” he says with a shaky voice.
“I know,” replies the 91-year-old granny.
“But wasn’t it you who put the new teeth on my husband, Robert?”
“Yes, it was,” says the dentist, confused.
The old lady leans over towards the doctor and grabs his arm: “I want you to take them out!”
There was a blind girl
After many years of bachelorhood
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, “May I help you sir?
The man says, “Yes, I’m in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out of the window.”
The desk clerk says, “I’m sorry sir, but that’s a personal matter.”
The man replies, “Listen, you idiot.
The window won’t open and that’s clearly a maintenance issue.
Frank was excited about his new rifle
The madam opened the brothel door
Alan’s wife called him as he was at in the pub last night.
“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed,
“And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”
“Woooah! That’s bang out of order!”
Alan said, “It’s not his fault.”
A old woman was arrested for shoplifting
A baby elephant and a baby turtle
A man was in a bad accident and was injured.
But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious.
However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm.
But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The last question of the interview was always the same.
“Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the first candidate.
“Yes. You have no ears.”
He quickly eliminated the first candidate.
“Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the second candidate.
“Yes. You have no ears.”
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
“Do you notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the third candidate.
“Yes. You’re wearing contacts.”
Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, “That’s correct. How did you know?”
“You can’t wear glasses if you don’t have any freaking’ ears.”
Three rich men were boasting
A man was out hunting
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about making love?” he asked, rather tentatively.
“I would like it infrequently,” she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered: “Is that one word or two?”
A fireman came home and told his wife
She comes home to find her husband in bed
There’s a guy with a 25-inch tool and is always wanting to get closer to the girls he is having lovemaking with.
One day he comes upon a witch and he tells her about his problem.
She tells him about a frog who can make his weapon smaller.
All he had to do is make the frog say no and his weapon would shrink 5-inches.
So, he goes to find the frog and ask the frog to marry him.
The frog says no and his tool get down to 20-inches.
He decides he wants to be closer so he ask the frog to marry him again, and again the frog said no and another 5-inches are gone.
He decides he wants to be even closer so he ask the frog one more time to marry him.
The frog said, “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, no, no, no.”
The bartender asked a guy
A father has three daughters
Three guys are sitting around the campfire…
…exchanging their worst experiences.
The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was,
he was up on scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.
The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.
The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.
He said, “Well, I’ll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me,
I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into the position.”
“Yeah? What happened next?” asks his friend.
“I got a little too close to the ground and — WHAM — a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles.”
The other guy says, “God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?”
He calmly replied, “Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital
Ted was a young boy
Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days.
The lion starts chasing the two men.
They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.”
He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees.
Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.
As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer:
“Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”
A blind guy on a bar stool
John was talking to his fiance
Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.
The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man.
The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland.
After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”
The lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman went on, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”
Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman then asked, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”
“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Mount Isa lady.
“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “What on earth could they teach you?”
A guy calls a company and orders
A man told joke
One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff’s house.
He picked up the phone and a woman asked, “Is this 555-1111?”
“No, this is 555-1112.” Jeff replied.
“Oh, I’m so sorry for disturbing you.” The woman said.
“That’s alright,” Jeff said.
“I had to get up to answer the phone anyway.”
A young couple were driving down
A old man and his wife lived deep hills
The first-grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words,
She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?
After some thought, Jane proudly replied with Monday.
Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon……day.
Does anyone know another word?
I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny’s more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
OK Mike, what is your word.
Saturday. says, Mike.
Great, that has three syllables.
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says ” I know a four-syllable word, pick me…..”
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says,
“O.K. Johnny, what is your four syllable word?”
Johnny proudly says, “self enjoyment.”
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says,
“Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful.”
No Mam, your thinking of self enjoyment, and that’s only two syllables.
She says to the children
A boy was standing in front of the polar
There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa,
“Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpa? Grandpa being in a kind of ill mood responds,
“No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.”
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather,
“Will you please make a sound like a frog?”
Grandpa again says, “No, not now. I don’t really want to do that. I’m in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.”
Then the third little boy comes out and says,
“Grandpa, oh please… Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?”
“Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face,
“Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!”
The salesman approaches the farmer
A Irishman was walking home
A mathematician found out that a pipe was leaking, so he called a plumber.
The plumber changed a gasket and asked for $100.
“But how is it possible? You’ve been working for only 10 minutes and it takes me full week to earn $100”, exclaimed the mathematician.
“Well, that’s why I became a plumber but let me tell you something – I’ll give you the address of my company go there and say that you want to work as a plumber and don’t mention that you are a mathematician.”
And so the mathematician did soon he earned quite a lot of money.
But the company decided to educate the plumbers and send them to primary school on the first day the mathematician was asked to write the equation for the surface of a circle on the blackboard.
He could not remember it, but he wanted to use integral calculus to derive it.
However, he made some error and obtained a negative result.
He repeated the calculations twice, thrice – and still obtained a negative result.
He looked stressed at the class and found all the fellow plumbers shouting to him, “Change the range of integration! Change the range of integration!”
Dave Smith is on his death bed
Darryl and Harold were the best patients