A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on.
She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut.
She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off her headphones.
The stylist replied refusing to cut her hair, so she left.
She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing.
This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair.
After a while, the blonde fell asleep in the chair.
The stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot.
Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones.
They were saying: “breath in, breath out.”
A beautiful young model boarded a plane
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane.
The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence.
Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00.
The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled.
He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer.
Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
A wife arriving home to find her husband in bed
Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day
Three guys are in a Cessna.
The first drops a penny out the window.
The second drops a pencil and the third a bomb.
When the plane lands, the first guy goes to see where the penny landed.
He sees a guy swearing and trying to get a penny out of his forehead.
The second sees a girl holding her dog who has a pencil through his head.
The third guy sees a guy laughing his head off.
He asks, “Why are you laughing?”
The guy says, “I was cooking on my BBQ when I farted…”
“What’s so funny about that?”
“It blew my neighbor’s house apart!”
A man walks into a bank and says
Three blondes are talking about
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his.
The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said:
Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?”
The lawyer replied: Of course, how much was the roast?
“$7.98.”
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.
Queensland farmers Jim and Bob
Little Willie came home in a sad
An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp.
He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.”
The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?”
“I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.”
“Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.”
“Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.”
“I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.”
“Granted, and your ex-wife gets two.”
“Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says,
“You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads
Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner
A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, “where the hell have you been?”
“I was out getting a tattoo.”
“A tattoo?
What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my manhood.”
“What the hell were you thinking?
Why did you get a hundred “dollar bill on your weapon?”
“Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow.
Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money.
And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay home and blow a hundred bucks.”
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper
Three women are talking about their make love lives.
One says, “I call my husband ‘The dentist’ because nobody can drill like he does.”
The next says, “Well, I call my husband ‘The Miner’ because he has an incredible shaft.”
The third sighs and says, “I call mine ‘The Postman.’
“Why the ‘Postman’?” asks one of them.
“Because he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box!” says the woman.
A grade school teacher was asking students
A magician was working on a cruise ship
A blonde walked into a department store and said “i would like to buy this tv”.
The manager said “sorry we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde was so mad, she went home and died her hair black.
She went back to the department store and said “i would like to buy this tv please”, the manager said “sorry we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde was furious.
She went home and died her hair red but waited a couple of days to return.
After a couple of days she returned to the department store and said “i would like to buy this tv please”.
The manager replied with “we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde said how do you know I’m a blonde.
The manager said “because that’s a microwave.”
A few months after his parents were divorced
A student at college had failed his final
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.
He is obviously drunk
So the bartender says to another man in the bar:
“Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.
They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man.
He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk’s wife greets them at the door:
“Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?”
Man And Ostrich
The rule of a king
A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East.
An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”
After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”
The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”
The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
Wife sent a message to her husband
A teacher was helping one of her kids
A doctor remarked on his patients, ruddy complexion.
“I know” the patient said “It’s high blood pressure, it’s from my family.”
“Your mother’s side, or father’s side?” questioned the doctor.
Neither, my wife’s. “What?” the doctor said “that can’t be, how can you get it from your wife’s family?”
“Oh yeah,” the patient responded, “You should meet them sometime!”
A lady went to a doctor office
Sam goes to the doctor
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for a large cooking container, borrowed his neighbor’s copper cauldron, then returned it in a timely manner.
“What is this?” asked his neighbor upon examining the returned cauldron.
“There is a small pot inside my cauldron.”
“Oh,” responded the Hodja.
“While it was in my care your cauldron gave birth to a little one because you are the owner of the mother cauldron, it is only right that you should keep its baby and in any event, it would not be right to separate the child from its mother at such a young age.”
The neighbor, thinking that the Hodja had gone quite mad, did not argue.
Whatever had caused the crazy man to come up with this explanation, the neighbor had a nice little pot, and it had cost him nothing.
Some time later the Hodja asked to borrow the cauldron again.
“Why not?” thought the neighbor to himself.
“Perhaps there will be another little pot inside when he returns it.”
But this time the Hodja did not return the cauldron.
After many days had passed, the neighbor went to the Hodja and asked for the return of the borrowed cauldron.
“My dear friend,” replied the Hodja.
“I have bad news
Your cauldron has died, and is now in her grave.”
“What are you saying?” shouted the neighbor a cauldron does not live, and it cannot die return it to me at once!”
“One moment!” answered the Hodja.
“This is the same cauldron that but a short time ago gave birth to a child, a child that is still in your possession if a cauldron can give birth to a child, then it also can die.”
And the neighbor never again saw his cauldron.
A teacher in New York
The best positions for prayer
A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the table in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2 inches in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was so the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly the pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full they agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar of course, the sand filled up the remaining open areas of the jar.
He then asked once more if the jar was full the students responded with a unanimous “Yes.”
“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter – like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else, the small stuff.”
“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks same goes for your life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children take your partner out dancing.
There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, or fix the disposal.”
“Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter set your priorities the rest is just sand.”
It was no ordinary watch
Hodja had a dream
Two blondes, Jane and Sarah, were deep in a philosophical argument.
“Since you’re so damned smart,” Sarah says, “answer this question: why is it that when a slice of buttered bread falls to the ground, it’s bound to fall on the buttered side?”
Jane snorts, “It doesn’t always land on the buttered side.
Here, I’ll prove it.” She gets out the loaf of bread from the cupboard.
Out comes the butter from the fridge.
She generously butters the bread. Then she drops it. Butter side up.
“Ha-ha! See?!”
“You think you’re so smart. You just buttered the wrong side of the bread!”
A woman from New York was driving
A soldier girl wrote to break off their engagement
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 …correct?
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
A man is lying on the beach and reply to hot girl
A Man Who Is Dating Three Women
A man visited the pastor, a man well known for her charitable impulses.
“Pastor,” he said in a broken voice,
“I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this neighborhood.”
The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving.
They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $900.
“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife.
“May I ask who you are?”
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes.
“I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.
A Indian Chief in a modern society
A Teenage Boy Goes To Church
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.
She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”
The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.”
The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”
The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.”
The blonde says, “Oh! I could use something like that!! I’ll take it!”
The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful! It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!”
The boss asks, “And what do you have in it?”
The blonde replies, “Some coffee and a popsicle.”
A young boy says to his father
She told her new husband
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks.
After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks.
The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down
Four freshman partied too hard during a music festival and unable to make it back for their final exam the next day
As they drove back to the college, they tried to think of a good excuse.
Finally, they agreed to the same story: a tire was blown in the middle of nowhere at mid night so they were stuck.
They each sent the professor an email asking to retake the exam and gave the excuse.
The understanding professor said it’s fine and ask them to take it the next day, but for fairness they would have to take a different exam.
The next day they came to the exam room, and as per usual procedure, each obtained a copy of the exam and sat in a corner.
The classroom was big and empty, the professor sat and watched them, so they were nervous.
Fortunately, the questions on the first page are fairly easy.
Even though these questions only worth 10/100 points, it calmed them down a bit.
So they quickly finished the first page at the same time and turned to the second page.
There was a single question on it: (90/100) Which tire was blown?
Three men attend a job interview
Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of make love that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”
A little girl asked her Mom
A guy goes over to his friend house
A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank’s call center.
“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.
“No madam,” replied the voice at the other end.
“It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”
“Well I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.
“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”
“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”
The call center operator was adamant.
“There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”
“Very well then,” sighed the old lady.
“Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”
Four older women are sitting
The teacher told her class
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, “My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble.”
The second deaf man signed back, “Boy, you’re lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me heck for being out so late.”
The first deaf man asked, “So, what did you do?”
The second deaf man signed, “I turned out the light!”
A man and his wife were always fighting
A couple was going out
An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says,
“Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says.
“I’m sick of her face, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister.
She says, “Like hell, they’re getting divorced!” and calls her father immediately.
“You’re not getting divorced! Don’t do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don’t call a lawyer, don’t file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says “Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.”
A couple were having some problems
Frank and John left the bar
Son: “Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don’t know what Politics is.”
Father: “Well, let’s take our home as an example.
I am the bread-winner, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we’ll call her Government.
We take care of your needs, so let’s call you The People.
We’ll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future.
Do you understand son?”
Son: “I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it.”
That night awakened by his brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong.
Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep.
He went to the maid’s room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid.
The boy’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: “Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is.”
Father: “Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?”
Son: “Well Dad, while Capitalism is lovemaking the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and The Future is in deep shit
A flat-chested young lady
Man looks at his friend
A old couple are sitting in their rocking chair.
The old woman embroiders while the old man reads the paper.
The old woman looks at him with remembrance in her eyes, and she says,
“Honey you don’t ever sit next to me like you used to.”
He puts the paper down and scoots over close to her.
Then she says “Honey you don’t ever put your arm around me anymore.”
He again Puts the paper down and puts his arm around her.
She said, “Honey you never nibble on my ear anymore. ”
He gets up and walks away!
She said, “Honey where are you going.”
He said, “gotta go get my teeth.”
A woman was in bed with her lover
A couple were having an argument
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,…
made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck,…
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
“The weather out there is terrible.”
She sleepily replied,
“Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit.”
The Maid asked for a pay raise
A priest and a taxi driver both died
One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, “Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count.
The other kids could only count to three but I can count to ten….. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”
The mother responds, “Very good honey.”
The blonde asks, “Is that because I’m a blonde mommy?” And the mother responds, “Yes dear.”
Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said,
“Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! …. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!”
The mother says, “Very good honey.”
The blonde then asked, “Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?”
The mother responds, “Yes dear.”
The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother,
“Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had melons. Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?”
And the mother responds, “No Honey, it’s because you’re twenty five.”
A blonde sitting in the first class
A call girl brings a client
An old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
He then unwrapped the burger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.
You could tell they were thinking: “That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table.
He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said they were just fine they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time, the old woman said: “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked: “What is it you are waiting for?”
She answered: “The teeth.”
The old Josh was sat in his garden
A woman goes to a psychiatrist
A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, ‘You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K’.
She said, ‘What does that mean?’
He said, ‘Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous Hot’.
She said, ‘Oh that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?’
He said, ‘ I’m Just Kidding’
Mary and Dave went a romantic dinner
A city boy driving through passes a chicken farm
A Scotsman, drinking in a Havana bar, saw a man with a large black beard enter.
He ordered a drink, the bartender served him, he drank it, and then started to leave.
The bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for that drink?”
The man said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!” and walked out.
A few minutes later, the Scotsman saw another man with a large black beard enter, order a drink, drink it, and start to leave.
The bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The man said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!” and walked out.
When the Scotsman finished his drink, he started to leave and the bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for those drinks?”
The Scotsman said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!”
The bartender looked him over. “Where’s your black beard?”
The quick thinking Scotsman hoisted up his kilt and said, “Secret Service!”
Two man went bear hunting
A elderly man goes into a night house