A teacher asks her class, ”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.
”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, ”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then Little Johnny says, ”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and taste it the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and taste it the cone.”
”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on but I like your thinking.”
She goes to doctor
A squirrel and 2 bees are going on a road trip
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology,
“And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
A doctor and a lawyer are talking
Two factory workers are talking
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching and Little Johnny was anxious to receive and give Valentine cards during his classroom party,..
Mainly because there were two girls he was particularly very fond of.
The rest of his class received the usual “store bought” cheap Valentines that read cutesy “Be Mines”,..
But he took special care and time in hand-making two special cards for these two sweethearts in his life.
The first read:
Roses are Red, Pickles are Green,
I love your legs and what’s in between.
I like your style, I like your class,
But most of all I love your a*s.
And to the other girl he wrote:
Roses are Stupid, Violets are Silly!
Bend over Babe ’cause here comes my Willy!
Coming into the bar and ordering
A minister gave a talk to the community center
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.
“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants.
I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.
They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.
I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’
Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”
Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.
Then, Jill took off her underwear and gave them to Brian.
“Try these on,” she said.
Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.
“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your underwear,” said Brian.
“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
A drunken man walked into a bar
A young sailor was sitting in a bar
A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.
The polish guy calls the bartender over and says, “whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me.”
The bartender replies “I don’t think you want to do that.”
“What do you mean?” yells the polish guy, “Send her the drink!”
“OK.” the bartender replies, “but I don’t think it is a good idea.”
“And why not?” asks the polish guy.
The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says “because she’s a queer.”
“I don’t care, send her the drink.” says the polish guy.
So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, “so what part of queer are you from?”
Joey was asked by his mother
Mommy has told her little girl
If your cup (literally) runneth over, it may be by design — and that design may be over 2,500 years old.
Variously called a Greedy Cup, Tantalus Cup or Pythagoras Cup, this drinking vessel can only be filled with so much wine before a siphoning effect drains it all back out.
Pythagoras of Samos was a philosopher and mathematician of the 6th Century BCE.
Among other accomplishments, he is widely credited with proving the Pythagorean theorem (though it may well have been the work of his students).
He is also given credit for the creation of this ancient practical joke device that likewise bears his name.
The cup itself looks ordinary except for its central column.
A hidden pipe runs from a void in the bottom of the stem up into the vessel, coiling back on itself in the process.
This twist is the key.
When the cup is filled too high, liquid tips into the central pipe and, per Pascal’s principle of communicating vessels, the entire contents of the cup begin to drain.
Gravity and pressure take over and the rest, as they say, is history — the vessel then empties itself entirely.
If filled to just below that point, however, a user can drink from the vessel normally.
Cross section of a Pythagorean cup being filled: at B, the cup may be safely drunk from, but at C, the siphon effect causes the cup to drain.
Diagram by Nevit Dilmen (CC BY-SA 3.0)
As the (possibly apocryphal) story goes:
Pythagoras designed the cup so that his students would share equally and balance their consumption.
If they poured too much, these self-draining chalices would prevent the students from ending up in their cups, so to speak.
The Scottish Lass Goes To Dentist
A young man from the city
My buddies and I where out for a night on the town.
We ended up at a high end bar with a dress code.
All my buddies being the suave dudes they are where dressed accordingly with suits and ties but I alas was not.
See you on the other side fool they all yelled out as they went in laughing.
Well there I was, out in the cold left out,abandoned.
Not to be outdone I went to the car and rummaged through the trunk looking for anything I could use to get past the bouncers.
Nothing but a set of jumper cables….mating it I gotta try.
I tie the cables around my neck as well as I can and go to the doors to present myself pleading to get in.
The bouncer looks me up and down and say’s…OK you can go in….but don’t start anything in there
Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife
A school teacher used to take a short nap every afternoon.
When his pupils asked him why he did so, he said that he went to dreamland to meet ancient sages.
One extremely hot day some of the pupils fell asleep in the afternoon.
When the school-teacher chided them, they said:
“We went to meet the sages in dreamland.”
“What did they say?” demanded the teacher.
“We asked them if a school- teacher came there every afternoon, but they said they had seen no such person.”
A beautiful redhead
Man And Ostrich
Three ex-pats are drinking in a NY city bar.
“As good as this is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a bar called McTavish’s. The landlord there goes out of his way with the locals. When you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth.”
“Well Angus,” said the Englishman.
“At my local pub in London, The Red Lion, the barman will buy your third drink after you buy the first two.”
“Ahhh, dat’s nothing’,” said the Irishman.
“Back home in my favorite pub, the moment you step foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another. In fact all the drinks you like. Then, when you’ve had enough to drink, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house.”
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claim.
“Did this actually happen to you?” they asked.
“Not myself personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to my sister quite a few times.”
Two Blondes living in Kansas
A old lady went to the doctor
Little Johnny’s teacher was giving a lesson in developing logical thinking.
“This is the scene”, said the teacher.
“A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.”
He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank.
Why do you think she ran to the bank?
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked,
“To draw out all his savings”?
A man and his wife enter a dentist
A couple were having some problems
A guy had just returned from two weeks of vacation.
He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.
“What?” shouted the boss, “I can’t give you more time now. Why didn’t you get married while you were off?”
“Are you nuts?” he replied.
“That would have ruined my whole vacation.”
Tom was getting a check up
A man offers a girl in his office
They had shared everything.
They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
‘When we were to be married,’ she said, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box.
She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving.
He almost burst with Happiness.
‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’
‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’
A man stopped at a flower shop
Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting
A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded.
Rome, Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty.
You’re crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking BA,” was the reply.
“We got a great rate!”
“BA?” exclaimed the hairdresser.
That’s a terrible airline their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late
So, where are you staying in Rome?
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome ‘s Tiber River called Testes.”
“Don’t go any further I know that place everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser you and a million other people trying to see him he’ll look the size of an ant.
He shot and dropped a bird
The Magical Lamp
A man went into a bar in a high rise.
He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out.
He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill.
The flier said it was his last one.
The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars.
The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar.
The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death.
The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Little Johnny was eating breakfast
A couple had been married for 25 years
“Brown bears are usually harmless they avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way.”
However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous.
If you see any grizzly bear droppings leave the area immediately.
“So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the ramblers.
“It’s easy,” replies the ranger.
“They’re full of small bells.”
He didn’t speak for two years
A old Man walked into the bank
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.
The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.
He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.
The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby,
thus reducing her own.
The man quickly agreed.
The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.
The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man.
The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more.
The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten.
The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.
The couple took the new baby home.
There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.
This woman’s husband had been slipping
Three guys are sitting around the campfire
The teacher asked little Johnny, “What’s two and two?”.
He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, “Four, teacher?”.
She said, “Yes, that’s right, but you counted on your fingers.
Put your hands behind your back and tell me what’s three and three”.
He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, “Six, teacher?”.
She said, “Yes, that’s right, but you’re still counting on your fingers.
Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what’s five and five”.
He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, “Eleven, teacher?.”
A burglar broke into a house one night
A rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day”, the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A young man called his mother
A man walked into the office of an psychiatrist
A philosopher was strolling through the forest with a disciple, discussing the importance of unexpected encounters.
According to the philosopher, everything around us provides us with an opportunity to learn or to teach.
At that moment, they passed the gate of a small farm which, although well situated, appeared to be extremely run down.
“Just look at this place,” said the disciple.
“You’re quite right what I learn from this is that many people live in Paradise, but are not even aware that they do and continue to live in the most miserable conditions.”
“I said learn and teach,” retorted the philosopher.
“It is never enough simply to notice what is going on, you must also find out the causes, because we can only understand the world when we understand the causes.”
They knocked on the door and were received by the inhabitants: a couple and their three children, all dressed in ragged, dirty clothes.
“You live in the middle of the forest with no shops anywhere around,” said the philosopher to the father of the family
“How do you survive here?”
The man very calmly replied: “My friend, we have a cow who gives us several litres of milk every day some of this we sell or exchange in the neighboring town for other food, and with the remainder we make cheese, yogurt and butter for ourselves and that is how we survive.”
The philosopher thanked him for this information, looked at the place for a few moments and then left.
The stud rooster
A really slow group of golfers
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?” The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
“Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
“Yes.”
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked.”
“Yes.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.
Bidding at a local auction
A lawyer’s dog
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer asks her some questions:
Officer: What’s 2 + 2?
Blonde: Ummm… 4!
Officer: What’s the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummm… 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummm… I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde replies excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”
The doctor comes in and informs
Tom was getting a check up
A young lady meet a handsome young man in a pub, after some drinks and a little tipsy the young lady said to the young man, “My mouth is like a loud speaker, my two melons are for tuning, left one is for tuning the channel AM or FM and my right melons is for tuning bass and treble depending which mode you want.”
The young man was aroused by the young lady expression, and said to the lady, “I don’t believe it.”
Young lady said, “You can try it if you want”.
Young man said, “OK come to my hotel room and prove it to me.”
They agreed and both holding hands and headed for the hotel room.
Upon entering the room the young lady undressed herself and soon the young man start feeling the left melons for AM/FM fine-tuning.
After a while nothing happen.
He changed to the right melons and start rubbing with greater pressure.
Again, nothing happened.
The young man soon gave up and ask the lady, “Hello sweetie, after I have tuned your AM/FM and treble/bass melons there are no response.”
The young lady replied, “You forgot to plug in your power.”
The nurse was walking down
He goes to a witch in the woods
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any lovemaking in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a make love therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known make love therapist.
So she went to see him and upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said,
‘OK, take off all you crose.’
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
‘Ok now, crawl reery fass to the other side of the room.’
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
‘OK’ now crawl reery fass to me,’
So she did.
Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said,
‘Your problem very bad, you had Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I
ever see, that why you not had make love or dates.’
Confused the woman asked,
‘What is Ed Zachary Disease?’
Two drunks are walking along
Two guys are sitting at a bar
At an airline ticket counter, all of the ticket agents were doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as they could.
A man at the end of the passenger line was impatient and frustrated at having to wait so long in the slow-moving line.
He finally decided to march up to the counter to demand that he be given his boarding pass.
The ticket agent turned, and said, “Sir, as you can see, there are many passengers ahead of you we are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we can I’m afraid you’ll have to get back in line.”
Outraged and red in the face, the man yelled at the ticket agent, “Do you know who I am??!!”
The ticket agent turned, picked up the public address system microphone and said calmly, “There is a man at the ticket counter, who does not know who he is anyone who may be able to identify this man is asked to please step forward and identify him Thank you.”
Mike was driving home
A photographer
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls for his 10th birthday.
When he turned 11 he wished for 11 ping-pong balls.
This continued every year.
They boy grew up to a man. When he turned 18, he wished for 18 ping-pong balls and when he turned 25 he wished for 25 ping-pong balls.
His friends and family never asked about it, but they always wondered why he wished for nothing else.
Just ping-pong balls.
When he was 40, he wished for 40 ping-pong balls.
The time finally came for his 50th birthday party and he invited 50 people and said that each of them should bring 1 ping-pong ball each.
And they did. No questions asked.
The man turned 60 and guess what he wished for? That’s right. 60 ping-pong balls.
At 70 year old he got 70 ping-pong balls from his beloved wife and children.
At 80 years old, sadly, the man became sick. Very sick. He had to be put in a hospital.
On his deathbed, surrounded by his wife and children his wife asked him:
“My love, tell me. What were you going to do with all the ping-pong balls?”
He smiled at his wife.
“Well” he said. “I was going to use them for..”
Sadly he died before he could tell her.
My general was making so damn angry
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.
They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half.
He places one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.
He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them.
As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering.
“That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table.
He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man replies that they’re just fine they’re just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks, “May I ask what is it you are waiting for?”
The old woman answers “The teeth.”
A couple moves into a new neighborhood
A boy was walking down the street
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”
The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.”
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.
“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”
The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”
The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”
A psychiatrist met an old patient
Two little kids are in a hospital
“Doctor, I need your help,” the woman says.
“What seems to be the problem?”Dr ask”
“My husband just doesn’t satisfy me loving. What can I do?”
“Hmmm. That’s a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?”
“Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn’t enough for me. You’ve got to help me!”
“Er … Why don’t you take a lover?”
“I have! I still don’t get enough.”
“Take another lover.”
“I did. In fact, I have eight lovers – and I still don’t get enough make love!”
“Gosh, that’s an anomaly.”
“Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it’s an anomaly! They all keep telling me I’m a B-girl!”
Three friends were at the bar
The teacher decides to play game
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple He walks up to the driver’s side window and asks the husband for his license and registration.
The wife, hard of hearing, asks “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband replies, “he wants my license!”
The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.
The wife yells “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband yells back “he says I was speeding!”
As the officer looks at the license he notices they’re from Ohio
“you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable.”
She would never shut up, couldn’t cook worth s!!!!!!!t, constantly belittled me.
The old lady once again yells “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband yells back “he said you two used to date!”
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper
A new young blonde bride calls her mother
He went to buy a guard dog, but his wife was angry when he returned with a chihuahua.
So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees, “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”
The employee responds, “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua.
The man was not impressed and said, “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a chihuahua can’t do that.”
“But this is no regular chihuahua It’s an attack chihuahua!”
The employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack chihuahua, chair”
The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind.
“Wow,” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog.”
“Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again attack chihuahua, table!”
She pointed to a table, and, again, the chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table.
The man said “Okay, okay, I’ll take it.”
When he brought it home, his wife was very angry.
“Why did you buy a chihuahua?!”
She yelled “Because” he responded, “this is no ordinary chihuahua, this is an attack chihuahua!”
“Attack chihuahua, my bum!”
Are you still going to that memory clinic
A old hillbilly farmer