Little James is at a horse auction with his father.
He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, backside.
After a few minutes, little James asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
Nodding, his father replies, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I make a decision.”
Little James looks worried.
Finally, he says, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
A large cage containing a male rat
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud knocking on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunk stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband,
“it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He then returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife.
“Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing set,” replied the drunk.
A young lady settled down in her local train
Two young brothers in Rome
The husband slices his tee shot into the trees.
They find the ball resting behind an oak.
The man is about to chip out onto the fairway when his wife, standing a few feet behind, stops him.
“Honey, from here I can see the flag stick why not try to reach the green?”
He takes a look, decides to take the shot, and pulls out his 9-iron.
The ball ricochets off the oak hitting his wife directly between the eyes.
She is killed instantly.
A year later the man is playing the same hole with his new wife.
He hits an identical slice they find the ball resting in almost the same spot as before.
Just as he’s about to chip out onto the fairway his new bride says, “Wait, honey! From here I can see…”
“Oh, hell no!” he spurts.
“Last time I tried that shot I got a double-bogey!”
A little girl whispered to her mother
A father was reading a magazine
Harry was sick and tired of being constantly badgered by his wife Barbara for spending so much time at the bar.
Hoping it would help matters, Harry invited Barbara along with him.
“So what would you like?”
Harry cordially asked, as she took her seat next to him.
“Oh I don’t know” Barbara replied, “I guess I’ll take the same thing as you.”
“OK” said Harry to the bartender, “we’ll take two Johnny Walker’s on the rocks!”
Barbara barely took a sip of the drink before she started gagging “Oh my gosh! Get me a cup of water! This stuff is horrible! How do you drink this garbage?”
A man wasn’t feeling well
The hospital staff kept telling Jim
There’s a man speeding on the road and a police officer is chasing him for miles.
The man finally stops and the officer tells him, “When you see those lights and hear those sirens, you are supposed to stop!”
The man says, “Well, I had a good excuse to keep driving.”
The officer says, “I’ve heard every excuse in the book, but if it’s one I haven’t heard, I’ll let you go.”
The man says, “Well a few days ago, my wife ran off with one of your officers, and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back.”
So the officer let him go.
John and Bob were discussing
A old man goes into Victoria’s Secret
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said,
“The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!”
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?
The man came to his pastor
One night the Nasreddin Hodja
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat at the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
The bartender approached and told him: “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replied: “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each me brothers and one for me self.”
The bartender admitted that this was a fine tradition, and left it there.
The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way: He ordered three pints and drank them in turn.
One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars took notice and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said: “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The Irishman looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explained.
“It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
A woman hired a contractor to repaint
Three nuns who had recently died
There are three friends.
Shut the hell up, Your manners, and Bear Shit.
One day they’re in the woods and bear shit gets lost and your manners looks for him.
Shut the hell up goes to the police station “my friend is missing can you help me?”
The officer says “what’s your name?” “Shut the hell up” “what?” Shut the hell up” “say that again?
” Shut the hell up!” “Son where’s your manners?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! He’s out in the woods looking for bear shit
A soldier girl wrote to break off their engagement
One day a man goes to the beach
An old man decides he wants to meet his grandson before he dies.
He lives in the wilderness like a hermit so he hardly ever meets anyone.
So he invites his young grandson over to mark one item off his bucket list.
His grandson arrives and notices his grandfather is scarred all over and missing some of his limbs, most noticeably one of his hands.
“How did you lose your hand?”
“A lion bit it off during one of my hunting trips. Speaking of that, I was an avid hunter and have an impressive trophy room, let me show you”
The grandfather leads his grandson to his trophy room. It is filled with large animal heads mounted on the walls.
The boy is in awe of all the different animals.
“There are lots of stories to tell with some of these, several even attacked me before I managed to kill them. This leopard here? Its name is Eerie. I named it that because it bit off my ear.
I generally like to name them after something they took from me so I remember our encounter better.”
As the boy looks around from animal to animal, he starts to ask about the stories behind them.
“What about that great big Crocodile? Does that one have a story?”
“Yes, it took several of my toes, so I named it Toto”
“What about this Tiger?”
“It took my eye, so it is named Iris”
Then the boy’s eyes are caught by an enormous lion, the most majestic trophy of them all.
“That must be the Lion that took your hand! Did you name it Hans?”
A couple was relating their vacation experiences
A dad was having a conversation with his son
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school, and Fred is all excited.
“Man, I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house, and the guy had toilets made of pure gold!”
“No way!” Joe says.
“Yes way,” insists Fred. “Come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
Twenty minutes later, they’re ringing the doorbell at the place.
A middle-aged lady opens the door, and Fred eagerly asks, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you, but there was a party at your house yesterday, and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the house:
“Roger, the pig that sh*t in your trombone is here!”
A man and a woman who never met before
A man walks into a bar already drunk
A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.
The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave.
Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house.
They don’t want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in.
The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.
“He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.
“Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away.
“Stupid lady was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. “
The cab driver hit a parked car.
A dad was having a conversation with his son
A old husband and wife went to breakfast
Haggling over a pricing structure with Dwayne Johnson
Dwayne Johnson recently came to the arts and crafts store I own looking to buy equipment for the wardrobe department for his latest movie.
He asked if we could quickly fill a large order of cloth-cutting shears.
I told him yes, but given the rush, we couldn’t offer a bulk discount.
For the next hour, Mr. Johnson haggled with me, insisting on paying a single, reduced price for the order of shears rather than the standard per-item price.
With my frustration growing, Mr. Johnson wouldn’t back down.
Finally, he made a desperate attempt to get the deal he wanted: he suggested we play any simple game of my choice; winner sets the price structure for the shears.
He then asked me what I wanted to play.
Unable to hold back my aggravation, I shouted: ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!
A hideous little orc is in the kingdom’s capital
A scientist is asked by the government
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway.
You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened.
I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact!
But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap.
It’s $1000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this.
“So,” the doctor says, “it’s for you to decide how many inches you want, but it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.
I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine inches, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five inches this time, she might be disappointed.
So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting a new kitchen.”
Two women are discussing
There are three women
A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb.
About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end.
He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch.
On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.
About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch.
Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.
Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds.
Mommy bird turned to Daddy bird and said,
“Don’t you think it’s time we told him he was adopted?”
A elderly Florida lady did her shopping
The salesman approaches the farmer
Queensland farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes.” Bob thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, history, and Logic
“Logic?” Jim says.
“What’s that?”
The dean says, “I’ll give you an example
Do you own a whipper snipper?”
“Yeah.”
“Then logically speaking, because you own a whipper snipper, I think that you would have a yard.”
“That’s true, I do have a yard.”
“I’m not done,” the dean says.
“Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house.”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“Yes, I have a family.”
“I’m not done yet
Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heteros..ual.”
“I am a heteros..ual
That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a whipper snipper.”
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Bob says, “What’s that?”
Jim says, “I’ll give you an example
Do you have a whipper snipper?” “No.” “Then you’re a poofter.”
Hodja had a dream
A dog ran into a butcher shop
A young Redhead goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible”, says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”
“No, ” she says, ” I’m actually a Blonde.”
“I thought so, the doctor says. “Your finger is broken.”
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat
A husband and wife were debating
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other.
The whole street could hear them screaming and yelling whenever they had a confrontation.
The old man used to say: “I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
One night, he died suddenly, and was buried. His wife celebrated by heading straight to the local bar to party as if there was no tomorrow.
To her dismay, the old man returned to life the day after, and really did manage to dig his way out of his grave.
Inevitably, they went back to arguing as they always had done.
A couple of years went by, and the man died once again.
The old woman went out to celebrate, just as she had done the first time he died.
The neighbors asked about whether he really would come and haunt her for the rest of her life this time round.
“I don’t think he’ll be climbing out this time,” she said.
“I had the old fool buried upside down.”
A woman and a baby were in the doctor
A wife was cooking something in the kitchen
There once was a farmer who discovered that he had lost his watch in the barn.
It was no ordinary watch because it had sentimental value for him.
After searching for a while he gave up and enlisted the help of children playing outside the barn.
After they searched for a while, just when the farmer was about to give up, a little boy went up to him and asked for another chance.
The farmer looked at him and thought, why not?
After all your friends look sincere enough so the farmer sent the boy back in the barn.
After a moment, the boy came out with a watch on his hand.
The farmer was both happy and surprised so he asked the boy how he succeeded.
The boy replied, “I did nothing but sit on the ground and listen in silence,
I heard the ticking of the watch and just looked for it in that direction”
A woman walks into the City
A philosophy professor
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later.
His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I s*cked everybody in there dry.”
The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later with his nose and mouth covered in blood.
“You see the village over there?” Said the second vampire brother, “I s*cked everybody’s blood dry!”
The third vampire said “That’s nothing!” And flew off at 200mph and came back 10 seconds later,
his whole face and shirt DRENCHED in blood.
“Woah, what happened?” Said the first brother.
“Well, you see that tree over there?” Said the third vampire.
“Yeah?” Replied the other brothers, “I didn’t.”
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest
Two drunks are talking in a bar
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa.”
The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?”
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy, and good-bye grandma.”
The next day the grandmother died.
“Oh, my gosh”, thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy.”
He practically went into shock.
He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch.”
Mommy has told her little girl
She told her mother
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded, “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house.”
The woman agreed.
A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passengers seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife.
Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home.
What would you do if you are the wife?
A husband and wife came to see a therapist
A Italian couple is their honeymoon
Three old ladies Gertrude, Maude and Tilly – were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.
Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the park.
He was holding his coat together with his hands and didn’t seem to be wearing anything underneath it.
The young man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat in one quick motion, revealing his undressed body.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn’t quite reach that far.
A Zen student said to his teacher
A old man is eating his lunch
A guy comes home completely drunk one night.
He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
“Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.
“At this new bar,” he says.
“The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal’s gold!”
The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.
“Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
“Yes it is,” bartender answers.
“Do you have huge golden doors?”
“Sure do.”
“Do you have golden floors?”
“Most certainly do.”
“What about golden urinals?”
There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your phone last night!”
A guy has been asking girl
Two men went bear hunting
Two women were sitting in the doctor’s waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.
“I want a baby more than anything in the world,” said the first, “But I guess it is impossible.”
“I used to feel just the same way,” said the second.
“But then everything changed that’s why I’m here I’m going to have a baby in three months.”
“You must tell me what you did.”
“I went to a faith healer.”
“But I’ve tried that my husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn’t help a bit.”
The other woman smiled and whispered, “Try going alone, next time, dearies.”
The librarian handed the chicken a book
Fox & Rooster
Once a software engineer saw a bull pulling a cart and the farmer was sleeping peacefully in that cart.
He was very surprised to see this scene and without stopping he said to the farmer,
“If the bull stopped, you wouldn’t understand.”
Farmer: Understand sir, if the bull stops walking, the bell will not ring.
The engineer thought for a minute and said.
“But what if this bull stopped in one place and just kept moving his neck?
The farmer quietly replied: Our bull doesn’t work in the corporate sector, sir!”
Two blonde gals at the casino
Michael was thinking about how good his wife
A wife was sitting peacefully in her cozy armchair sewing her husband’s socks.
Her husband came in to the room and glanced at what she was doing, and started badgering, “HONEY be more careful! PLEASE WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING! You don’t wan’t to poke YOUR finger! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! Don’t look up when YOUR’E SEWING!
There you go now slow and steady, nice even stitches.
The wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband, and says, “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Do you know how many times I’ve sewn socks before?!
“EXACTLY THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO GET AT”, hollered the husband, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’VE DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE!?”
Mom Dad Sit Down
John Watching the tv
A man well into his seventies asks his wife:
“Mary, doesn’t it make you sad when you see me running after those young girls sometimes?”
“Not in the least, Peter,” replies Mary,
Mary added To this
“our dog chases cars all the time and there’s also no chance he could manage to drive one!”
A man asks a farmer near a field
A woman joins a country club
He goes to his local priest to see if he has an answer.
The boy presents the question and the priest is completely at a loss of words.
The question is so challenging that he could not give an answer.
Unwilling to let the boy go unsatisfied without an answer, the priest takes the boy to a local bishop that knows even more about religion than the priest.
The boy approaches the bishop and asks him the same question again, the bishop has no answer that will satisfy.
The parties seeing that the boy is getting discouraged that no one can answer the question the bishop sends the boy directly to the Vatican to talk to the pope.
This pope was very popular among the people and he knew everything, he was so smart they called him Pope The Wise.
The boy walks up to the pope and asks him the question.
The pope begins to answer but then gets choked up and realized that not even he has the answer for the question.
As all hope was just about to be lost, an old nun walks into the room.
The nun asks the boy to ask her this famous question and the boy does.
The nun formulates the most perfect answer to the boys question.
Almost everyone rejoices and all is good.
Except the pope looks a little upset.
He exclaims “This is impossible! Explain to me how a simple nun could be smarter than me! Pope The Wise?!”
But she was Nun The Wiser.
Friendship
A man who worked for the post office
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
A man went into a bar in a high rise
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
“In front of you?” He asks shyly.
The nurse says: “Well no, but I’ve seen the undressed human body before. The man said, “Not one like mine. You’d die laughing at my undressed body.”
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth it was almost identical to an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s private parts, she composed herself as well as she could.
“I am so sorry,” she said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together
A man asks a farmer near a field