One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning.
They soon noticed that a man was following them.
They would speed up, and he would speed up they would stop, and he would stop.
Sister Mathematical started to become afraid.
“Oh dear… this man has been chasing us for 2.5 blocks now! What does he want?”
“It’s only logical,” Sister Logical replied.
“He wants to have his way with us.”
“Oh dear God!” Sister Mathematical exclaimed.
They tried to move as fast as they could, but the man was gaining on them.
“In 3.5 minutes, he will be upon us!” Sister Mathematical shrieked.
“What do we do?”
“Oh, that’s logical,” Sister Logical said calmly.
“You and I will have to split up you run one way to the convent, and I will join you there.”
Without asking another question, the nuns split up.
Sister Mathematical, who could run faster, made it to the convent while the man took off after Sister Logical.
A few minutes after Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent, Sister Logical entered.
“Sister, I am so glad to see you,” Sister Mathematical gasped.
“It took you 7.6 minutes longer to get home I was so worried! How in heaven’s name did you escape?”
“Oh that’s logical,” Sister Logical began, catching her breath.
“He got to me and grabbed me I knew what he wanted so, I pulled up my habit.”
“Oh dear, Sister then what?”
“He pulled down his pants…”
“Oh, Sister!” Sister Mathematical exclaimed.
“Then what happened?!”
“Well, that’s logical,” Sister Logical explained.
“A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down!”
Two Government maintenance guys
A large bag of money
A woman goes to the supermarket.
She starts walking up and down the aisles.
Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her melons, and her privet part.
After doing this a number of times a man approaches her and ask if she is having a problem.
She tells him no.
He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the beginning of each aisle.
She says she is trying to remember her grocery list.
He seems puzzles and asks for an explanation, so she goes thru the motions again.
She touches her head and says, “Head of lettuce.”
Ears. “Two ears of corn.”
Breasts. “Two chicken front.”
Crotch: “Fantastic.”
A employee sits in his office
The husband returns after several hours of fishing
A frail old man is put in to a care home by his family.
They visit him a few days later and as they are talking he starts leaning to the left.
A nurse quickly runs over and props him up straight.
A little while later he starts leaning to the right, again the nurse runs over and props him up again.
The family, impressed by the care he seems to be receiving then ask him how he likes the place, to which he replies,
“It’s quite nice but the only thing I don’t like is that they don’t let you fart”
A man had been drinking at the bar
The male teacher in a girls school asked
One evening a husband and wife were in bed.
The husband was reading a book, and the wife was watching TV.
The husband reaches over and puts his hand in his wife’s undergarment then withdraws his hand.
The wife was surprised by this and thought perhaps her husband was in the mood for a little love.
A short time later the husband again reaches into his wife’s undergarment then withdraws his hand.
Now the wife is almost sure that her husband is in the mood.
She decides to wait for him to touch her a third time and then she will know for sure.
The husband repeats the same move again.
She leaves the bed, removes her clothes, and returns ready for lovemaking.
Her husband, still reading his book, is surprised when she says, “Dear, I’m all ready!”
The husband asks, “For what?
She says, “Well, for make love, dear! You’ve fingered me three times in the last 5 minutes, and now I’m ready!”
The husband replies, “Huh? lovemaking?? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages of my book.”
A teacher is teaching a class
A mother took 6-year-old son
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down.
She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him, “My car broke down!
I don’t know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?”
“Well,” drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I don’t want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke.”
The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer.
“Okay,” she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.
So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?”
They say, “Huh?” She says, “The only thing is, I don’t want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.”
She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later the old Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
The old Jed says, “Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?”
“Yeah,” says the old Luke, “I remember.”
“Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?” asks Jed.
“Nope,” says Luke, “I reckon not.”
“Me neither,” says Jed.
“Let’s take these things off.”
Dr. Darns said George
Mrs Jones told her pastor
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender,
“I’m so pissed off!”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home.
We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door.
So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough,” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said:
“Hey great! You’re undressed already! Let me just take a leak.”
And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head.
“No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his protection out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!”
“Damn, that’s awful!” says the bartender.
“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump.
It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his bum out of the window and let loose right on my head!”
The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on,
“But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off?
When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground.”
A nervous young lady sat on a dentist’s chair
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, ‘I think I will divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.’
Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
‘You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.’
A special Christmas gift
Mr Steinberg to the hospital
A ship was travelling in a dangerous part of the sea.
The captain saw a pirate ship approaching their vessel.
The captain yells to his crew, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew brings him his red shirt, he puts it on, and leads the men in battle.
They lose one man, but on the whole it was a great victory everyone wonders what the deal is with the red shirt, but they just shrug it off.
A few days later, the captain sees 2 pirate ships in the distance.
He again yells, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew does so, and they fight off the pirates.
They lose a few more men this time, but at least most of them are unharmed.
However, this time curiosity got the best of them, and they ask the Captain why he’s asked for his red shirt during the battles.
He answers, “Well crew, I know all of you look to me for support and morale.
I knew there would be a good chance of me getting injured, and I didn’t want you to see me all bloody and fear that all is lost.
Therefore I put on a red shirt so that my injuries will blend in with the shirt.”
A few weeks later, the ship is travelling in another sea, and in the distance, there are suddenly 10 fearsome pirate ships.
The captain spots them and yells, “Men, bring me my brown pants!”
On his first day on the job
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought
A brief summary of Tolstoy’s “How Much Land Does a Man Need?”
The main character is a man named Pahom.
At the beginning of the story, he is a peasant farmer, a man of humble means who lives a decent life.
But, after his sister-in-law has bragged that city folk have a much better life than country peasants, Pahom bemoans the fact that he does not own land.
He states that “if I had plenty of land, I shouldn’t fear the Devil himself!”
Little does he know that the Devil is sitting close by and listening.
The Devil says: “All right! We shall see about that I’ll give you land enough; and by means of that land I will get you into my power.”
Shortly thereafter, Pahom manages to buy some land from a lady in his village.
He works hard, makes a profit and is able to pay off his debts and live a more comfortable life.
But he is not satisfied and, after a peasant told him about the opportunity to own more land, he moves to a larger area of land.
Pahom grows more crops and amasses a small fortune, but it is still not content.
Now another character tells him of another opportunity to own more land.
Pahom hears (from a tradesman) about the Bashkirs, a simple people who own a huge amount of land deep in Central Asia.
After a long trek, Pahom meets the Bashkirs on the vast steppe.
He is prepared to negotiate a price for as much land as possible, but before he can do so, the Bashkirs make him a very unusual offer, the same one that they make to anyone who wishes to buy land from them.
For one thousand rubles (a large sum in those days), Pahom can buy as much land as he can walk around in one day.
He has to start at daybreak and mark his route with a shovel at key points along the way.
The barber cut his hair the priest
A drunken stranger
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom.”
A couple returns from their honeymoon
A elderly couple sitting down to lunch
A Scotsman, drinking in a Havana bar, saw a man with a large black beard enter.
He ordered a drink, the bartender served him, he drank it, and then started to leave.
The bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for that drink?”
The man said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!” and walked out.
A few minutes later, the Scotsman saw another man with a large black beard enter, order a drink, drink it, and start to leave.
The bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The man said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!” and walked out.
When the Scotsman finished his drink, he started to leave and the bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for those drinks?”
The Scotsman said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!”
The bartender looked him over. “Where’s your black beard?”
The quick thinking Scotsman hoisted up his kilt and said, “Secret Service!”
Two man went bear hunting
A elderly man goes into a night house
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic then, when they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum
A son took his old father to a restaurant
A blonde walked into a department store and said “i would like to buy this tv”.
The manager said “sorry we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde was so mad, she went home and died her hair black.
She went back to the department store and said “i would like to buy this tv please”, the manager said “sorry we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde was furious.
She went home and died her hair red but waited a couple of days to return.
After a couple of days she returned to the department store and said “i would like to buy this tv please”.
The manager replied with “we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde said how do you know I’m a blonde.
The manager said “because that’s a microwave.”
A few months after his parents were divorced
A student at college had failed his final
Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, “Looked their up ahead, Earl, it’s a police roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinking’ these here beers!!”
“Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said.
“We’ll just pull over and finish drinking’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”
“What fer?” asked Bubba.
“Just let me do the talkin’, OK?” said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinking’?”
“No sir,” Earl said. “We’re on the patch.”
Joe had asked Bob to help
A woman takes her daughter to doctor
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes into pee.
The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is.
He can’t help himself and asks Bubba what his secret is.
“Well,” says Bubba,
“Every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my manhood on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.
So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his manhood and whacked it three times on the bedpost.
His wife, half-asleep, said,
“Bubba? Is that you?”
He walks into a bakery to meet with owner
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia.
“Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath.”
“Wow” responded the psychiatrist in amazement.
“I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.”
OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?”
“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.”
When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call.
“How come I didn’t hear from you?” He asked.
“Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money and just cut the legs off the bed!”
Two old men decide they are close
A elderly Florida lady did her shopping
Teacher: Kids, what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now, what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: Homework!
A Irishman was walking home
Two children Johnny and Alex were sitting
A old man was walking in the forest when he heard by his feet a very weak voice.
He bent down to look and saw that the voice came from a little frog: “I’m a beautiful, erotic and sensual princess, skilled in all the carnal pleasures of love. An evil queen, envious of my charms, turned me into a frog, but if you kiss me I will once again be a fair maiden, and I will provide you with all the joys and delights of my voluptuous temperament and my ardent lust.
The old man picked up the little frog and put her into his pocket.
Bewildered, the frog looked out and asked:
“What, you’re not going to kiss me?”
“Nope,” replied the old man.
“At my age it’s more fun to have a talking frog than a make love maniac.”
A lawyer defending a man accused
This little guy sitting in a bar
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.
Here is your Oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses.
If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many cafes located throughout the area,” said Peter.
“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off,
“We could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t insisted on exercising three times a week and eating that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat food!”
The Infuriated Atheist Neighbor
Joe packs the picnic basket
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
During the walk the boy sees two men dressed as cowboys saunter by.
‘Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!’ He says
The father is surprised and tells his son to watch his mouth
A few minutes later, two more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, ‘Dad, look it two more of those bow legged bastards!’
The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, ‘I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else.’
Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys, walk by and once again the child yells,
‘Dad, look it’s another couple of bow-legged bastards!’
‘That’s it!’ the father yells, he picks the kid up and takes him home and locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare.
Every day he comes to give the boy food and see if he has made any improvement.
Till one day when he knocks the boy responds
‘foresooth father, tis a fine day, might we go for a stroll in yonder park.’
Amazed that it worked and feeling like he is certainly father of the year for pulling this off he let’s the boy out and they go to the park.
They are walking along and the boy is speaking in brilliant prose about the trees, the birds, the blue sky, and the placid lake.
Just then another two of these fellows dressed like cowboys come walking by.
The boy turns to his father and says,
‘Father, what strange men are these their balls hang in parentheses?’
Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America
Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors
A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?’
The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of melons.
In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions’.
‘Onions?’
‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, ‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’
‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.’
Harry walks in the bathroom
A husband and his wife sitting in a bar
During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
“Don’t move the money belongs to the state your life belongs to you.”
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
This is called “Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.
When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: “Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!”
This is called “Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!
When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber who has only completed Year 6 in primary school.
“Big brother, let’s count how much we got.”
The older robber rebutted and said:
“You are very stupid there is so much money it will take us a long time to count tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!”
This is called “Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!
After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly.
But the supervisor said to him: “Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.
This is called “Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!
The supervisor says: “It will be good if there is a robbery every month.”
This is called “Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.
The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank.
The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million.
The robbers were very angry and complained: “We risked our lives and only took $20 million.
The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!”
This is called “Knowledge is worth as much as gold!”
The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.
This is called “Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!
So who are the real robbers here?
A man goes inside a pet shop
The Magical Lamp
A man and his mother-in-law went to Jerusalem and while they were there the mother-in-law passes away.
The priest says to the man, “for $150 we can bury your mother-in-law here or for $5000 we can ship her back home to be buried.
The man replies, “Oh I will definitely have her shipped back home because if I remember correctly awhile back a man was buried here and after 3 days he came back to life”.
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range
Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the cow.
“Your name is written inside the cover.”
A man went to his father
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
A teacher is going over farming tools with an inner-city class who’d never seen them.
“Children, does anybody know what this is?”
Little girl puts up her hand. “That’s a rake!”
“Very good, Sally. And who knows what this is?”
Little boy puts up his hand. “That’s a shovel!”
“Very good, Timmy. It’s a shovel. And what about this one?”
Children stare at the picture, but nobody raises their hand. “Well, class.
This is what’s known as a hoe. It’s used for-“
Little Johnny pipes up. “That ain’t no hoe!
My sister’s a hoe, and she don’t look nothing like that!”
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet
A restaurant manager is closing up for the night
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little. weight.
“Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?” he asked.
“No, Father. Just a little gas.” sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.
“Gaining some weight are we sister Susan?” he asked again.
“Oh no, father. Just a little gas.”
She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, “Cute little fart.”
Two blonde girls walk into a store
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers
A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool.
They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased.
As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off.
As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom.
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel’s elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium.
Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium…that’s the swimming pool!”
A dentist was getting ready to clean
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging
After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man,
“You appear to be in good health do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
“In fact, I do,” said the old man.
“After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,
“Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her,
“Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time do you know why?”
“Oh, that crazy old fart” she replied.
“That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”
A young man was walking through a supermarket
A man was leaving a convenience store
If you let me touch your wife’s bum and smack it, i will pay you $100,000 says a guy to his best friend.
His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying.
Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him to deny such an offer.
She says, “you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna make love me.
I mean $100,000 for touching and smacking my bum is worth it, we can buy hell lot of stuff”.
The husband agrees and calls his friend over the next day to touch and smack his wife’s bum.
Everyone is in the room now, the wife comes over, removes her skirt and his friend starts touching and feeling his wife’s bum.
Two minutes passed and he is still touching and feeling it.
The husband got angry and screamed, “yo idiot, smack the bum now, enough”
The friend replied, “how can I smack dude, I don’t have $100,000.
Grandpa what is couple
A woman meets a man in a bar
A co-worker told John that John’s wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with John’s best friend.
Worried and hurt, John ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.
He came back to the office contented and relieved.
His co-worker asked him how it went.
“Look,” said John. “Don’t start such terrible rumors!
That guy isn’t my best friend… I don’t even know him.”
A lawyer is talking to his client
Three women worked in the same office
A farmer decides its time to tell his son how he breeds the animals.
He explains about the cows and the bull, the mares and the stallion and the ewes and the ram.
But he also decides to tell his boy about their one lame pig.
‘Unfortunately she can’t walk far, so when she’s in heat I put her in the wheelbarrow and cart her down to my friend’s farm for some alone time with his boar’.
A few weeks go by, and the boy is looking out the window.
He says ‘dad, the pig is in heat’
The farmer peeps over his newspaper to look at his boy and says, ‘how can you possibly know that from just looking out the window’
‘Well’ says the boy, ‘she’s in the wheelbarrow.’
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss