A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.
He decides to test it out on his son at supper.
Dad says: “Where were you last night?”
Son says: “I was at the library.”
The robot slaps the son.
Son says “OK, I was at a friend’s house.”
“Doing what?” asked the father.
Son says: “Watching a movie toy Story.”
The robot slaps the son.
“OK it was dirty!” cried the son.
Father yells “What? When I was your age I didn’t know what dirty was.”
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, “He certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
Three men are playing golf
Paddy’s friend is hit by a car
A doctor and an engineer were in love with the same woman!
One day the doctor gave the woman a rose!
She was happy and thought it was very romantic.
Over the next three days, the engineer went to her and gave her an apple.
On the third day the woman asked: “Why an apple?”
The engineer replied: “Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away”
A new nurse at a hospital
A young man sees her and eagerly approaches
A man walks out onto a busy New York City street and happens to catch a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger looks confused, and asks, “Who..??”
The cabby says, “Frank Feldman..!!”
He explains, “He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman.” The cabby said with gusto.
He clarified, “Frank Feldmans was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.”
The cabby kept going, “He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman – he could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”
The cabby concluded: “He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
?????: “? ????? ???????? ??? ?????. ?? ???? ??? ? ??????? ??? ????.”
A man was sitting on the edge
He was a widower and she was a widow
A guy asked a girl in the library.
“Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl answered with a loud voice.
“I don’t want to spend the night with you.”
All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him.
“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy responded with a loud voice.
“$200 just for one night? That’s too much”
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the boy whispered in her ears.
I study law and I know how to make someone guilty.”
She gets out of bed
Three men and woman are travelling on a train
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything,
including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.
They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived.
Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.
Finally one of them said,
“I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there.
Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!”
The partner agreed to do that.
About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
“What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced,
“They were twins and mine died!”
Tax his land, tax his wage
A teacher told her young class
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off.
He asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.
‘I’d like to be twelve again’, she replied,
Still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,
The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald’s
Where he ordered her a Happy Meal
With extra fries and a chocolate shake..
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets……M&M’s..
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband
And collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile
And lovingly asked,
‘Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?’
Her eyes slowly opened
And her expression suddenly changed.
‘I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!’
A little girl was sitting and watching her mother
An elderly couple had dinner at another
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, “What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!”
Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, “Honey, can you fix the faucet?”
The husband replied, “What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!”
Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, “Honey, can you change the light bulb?”
His reply was, “What am I? An electrician?!”
A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed.
Very surprised, he says, “Honey, what happened here?”
The wife replies, “You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything.”
The husband says, “Honey, how did you pay him?!”
“Oh, you know,” the wife says, “he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have make love with him.”
Somewhat relieved the husband asks, “Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?”
The wife replies, “Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?!”
A couple had been married for 25 years
A little boy asked his father
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”
To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”
A woman went to doctor office
A man came home from work one day
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it.
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help.
The truck driver replied, “If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!”
The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins.
He showed up at the zoo and they weren’t there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car.
While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins.
The truck driver yelled, “What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!”
The man replied, “I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie.”
He breaks into a house to look for money
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner.
After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her daughter asked her, “Why did you cut off the end of the ham?
And she replied, “I really don’t know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to.”
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, “I really don’t know, but that’s the way my mom always did it.”
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, “Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?”
Her grandmother replied, “Well, dear, that’s the only way it would fit into my baking pan.”
A 75 year old man was walking
A old lady finished her annual physical
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ray.’
Ray was stunned ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for send me back!’
St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’
Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past ‘so, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’
‘Not bad,’ replied Ray the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m gonna explode!’
‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?’
‘Never,’ said Ray.
‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster It’s no big deal.
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.
“Ray, wake up! You shit on the bed!”
Wife had delivered twins
A old couple Abe and Esther
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
A man and a friend are playing golf
Three guys were drinking in a pub
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies. “And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” she asks. “The one I asked for – an Italian girl!” “Oh, that.
I did what I could.
We’ll just have to wait 9 months to see if it’s a girl.
The old man wrote a letter to his son
Young woman ran up to me at the cemetery
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey,
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A man with an elephant walks
The boss dialed his employees phone number
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
So let’s talk.”
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy.
“How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” says the blonde.
“That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff–grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”
“So tell me,” says the blonde, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”
A young executive was leaving the office
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room,…
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight,..
and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
“Breast-fed,” she replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pinched her fronts, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both melons for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said,
“No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.
Three friends who were lost in the forest
Adam was talking to his friend
The Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
“Ladies, exercise is good for you,” announced the teacher
“Walking is especially beneficial And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”
The room was very quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
“Yes?” asked the instructor.
“Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
A Young Mouse & Frog
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar
An Elderly Cowboy Slim Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.
He said, “When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral.”
Cowboy Slick said, “You mean the parking lot?”
Slick was a bit more worldly than Slim.
Slim said, “Then, I walked up the trail to the door.”
Slick said, “You mean, the sidewalk to the door.”
Slim said, “Well, I guess. Once I was inside the door, I was met by this city-slicker dude.”
Slick growing frustrated said, “Slim, that would be the usher.”
Slim nodded and said, “Okay, well, the usher led me down the chute.”
Slick snarled and said, “You mean the aisle!”
Slim continued and said, “Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there.”
Slick only responded with a one-word correction, “Pew!”
Slim said, “Yeah, that’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”
A elderly couple was driving
A husband went to the police station
A couple was having quarrel in a lodge and the man calls the manager and says,
“I’m having an argument with my wife, and now she wants to jump out the window.”
“please come fast”
Manager: “I am sorry sir this is your personal issue, please solve it by yourself.”
Husband: “The window is not opening, this is not a personal issue this is a maintenance issue.”
A old couple was watching movie
A old woman was able to give birth to child
An elderly couple were sitting outdoors at a cafe when they noticed an old man who seemed to be having trouble crossing the street with an ungainly shuffle.
The man said to his wife, “He surely has bad arthritis to walk like that.”
His wife replied, “No, that’s definitely old time rheumatism.”
They couldn’t agree so the man decided to ask the old man.
He walked over to him and said, “Excuse me, sir, but my wife and I saw you having difficulty crossing the street and I told her that you have arthritis but she insisted that you have rheumatism. Which one of us was wrong?”
The old man said, “The three of us were wrong.”
“Three of us were wrong? How so?” asked the man.
To which the old man replied, “You were wrong when you said I had arthritis, your wife was wrong when she said I had rheumatism, and I was wrong when I thought I just had to pass gas.”
A woman went down to the Welfare Office
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her:
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks.
“Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”
“NO!” Says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks.
“Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”
“NO!” Says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says.
“Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 Bucks and a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.”
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out.
“Look, Dad, you’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley – YOU RIDE IT.”
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer
Two ladies are walking their dogs
One evening this man drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12″ tall man standing on the bar.
Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him, “What the hell is that?”
The guy next to him answers, “He’s a pianist!”
The drunk replied, “Horse shit, your pulling my leg.”
So the guy next to him picks up the 12″ man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano.
Sure enough, this little man started hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars’ patrons.
Stunned, the drunk asks, “That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him?”
The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one wish.
All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish.
In a slur, the drunk says, “I wish for a million bucks”.
All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shitting all over him.
Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing, “You son of a b****, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit.”
The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed, “You don’t really think I wished for a 12″ pianist do you?”
Very Simple Operation
A Midwest farmer was describing
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table…
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,”
she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together.
Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.
He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is.
He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital
A Mafia Godfather finds out
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”
“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
A older couple wakes up
A man and his wife were in restaurant
A woman decides to prove her intelligence to her husband.
While he is at work, she takes it upon herself to paint a couple of rooms in their house.
The next day, as soon as her husband leaves, she dives into the project. When he returns home at 5:30, he immediately notices the strong smell of paint.
Concerned, he walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor, drenched in sweat. To his surprise, she’s wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat.
Worried, he asks if she’s okay.
She assures him she is fine. Curious, he inquires about her outfit. She explains that she wanted to prove that blondes can be smart by painting the house.
When he asks why she’s wearing both coats, she confidently explains, “I read the instructions on the paint can, and it said, ‘For best results, put on two coats.’”
The new wife tells her husband
A elderly couple was attending church
A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip:
An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says.
“I’ve just been molested!”
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.
So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just flirted.
The driver thought he had a busload of old wackos, but who would be flirting with these old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she’d too.
The bus driver decides that he’d had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
“Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?” Says the bus driver.
“I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!”
A old man and his wife are in bed
A old lady calls 911 late one night
A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along.
She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried.
She asks, “What if the baby starts coming, and I can’t get to the hospital in time?”
The doctor replies, “Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors.
It’s a very natural process.
The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant.”
The blonde interrupts with,
“Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.
The police arrive and ask for a description.
She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.”
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.
She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”
Two Irish nuns have just arrived
A lady from the city and her traveling
Jonesey bought a donkey from Brathwaite, an old farming partner for $300
Brathwaite agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.
One day later Brathwaite drove up and said;
“Sorry Jonesey, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.” “Well give me back my money.” Said Jonesey.
“Worse news boy, I spent it already…” “Ok then, give me the dead donkey”
“…What are you going to do with a dead donkey?” Asked Brathwaite.
“I’m going to raffle him.” Jonesey said calmly. “Are you mad?
You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!!” “I can’t? I will! I’m just not going to tell anyone he’s dead.”
One month later the two ran into each other.
“Jonesey!” Brathwaite exclaimed, “ What happened with your dead donkey boy?” Jonesey beamed,
“I raffled him off like I told you.
I sold 500 tickets at $5 dollars each and raked in $2,500! Brathwaite was shocked,
“…And no one complained about it being dead?”
“Only the guy who won, so I gave him back his $5.”
An elderly man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines.
Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: “Tylenol?”
“Very good! And what is it used for?”
“It is used for a headache.”
The second pupil said: “Nytol.”
“Excellent!” said Sister Catherine. “And what it is used for?”
“To help you sleep”, replied the student.
Now it is Johnny’s turn and he said: what is it used for, Johnny?” asked the surprised Sister catherine.
“It is used for diarrhea.”
“And who told you this, Johnny?”
“Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father,…
‘take a V**gra, and maybe that shit will get harder.’”
Sister Catherine fainted.
A young couple on their wedding night
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender