He saw an ad in the newspaper about a sales position.
He didn’t know the first thing about sales, but figured he could learn, and so he contacted the company.
“It’s simple,” said the hiring manager.
“You go door-to-door selling toothbrushes everyone needs a toothbrush, you should be able to sell lots of them.”
The man agreed, and went out to a large housing tract for the day.
When he returned to the office he was asked how his day went.
“I sold one toothbrush,” he said.
The hiring manager was not happy.
“Look, I know it’s your first day in sales, so I’ll forgive it this time but you gotta sell more than one if you want to keep your job.”
The next day the man went to another neighborhood.
When he returned to the office at the end of the day he said, “I sold two toothbrushes today!”
Now the hiring manager was furious.
“That’s not nearly enough! You have one more day to get this right If you don’t sell a lot more tomorrow, you’re fired.”
When the man came back to the office at the end of the next day, again he was asked how he did.
“I sold 1500 toothbrushes!” he proclaimed.
“Oh my god!” said the hiring manager.
“That’s incredible It’s more than anyone has ever sold in one day before how did you do it?”
“Well,” he began, “I went to a grocery store and set up a table outside with some chips and some dip and I asked people to try them they would taste it and say, ‘This dip tastes like shit!’”
And I would say, “It is! Would you like to buy a toothbrush?”
Jesus is watching you
Once at a crossroad, Mulla Nasruddin Hodja
A police officer asks a thief.
“Why did you steal this stranger’s watch?”
The thief replies, “I didn’t steal it — he gave it to me!”
The policeman asks, “When did he give it to you?”
The thief tells him, “When I showed him the gun.”
God save the person
3 men are playing golf
Two men died and went to Heaven.
St. Peter greeted them, and said “I’m sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren’t ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.”
“Great!” said the first guy, “I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!”
“No problem,” replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. “And what do you want to be,” St. Peter asked the other guy.
“I’d like to be one cool stud!” was the reply.
“Easy,” replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. “You’ll find them easily,” he says, “One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!”
A drunk comes stumbling into a bar
A local bar was so sure that its barman
After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain.
The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed.
“Yarr, welcome aboard! Good to have you,” The Captain tells the recruit.
“Do ye have any questions for me?”
“Well I was wondering…” the recruit started.
“How did you get the peg leg?”
“Arr, my leg was blown off by a cannonball during a naval battle.
Any other questions, landlubber?”
“Well how did you get the hook then?” the recruit asked.
The Captain grimaced, my hand was cut off by a sword in a terrible battle.
Luckily I had a shot in me pistol… I hit him square in the eyes and dropped him dead.”
Impressed, the recruit asked the Captain one more question: “How did you get the eye-patch?”
The Captain looked down, embarrassed.
“A seagull pooped in me eye,” he stated coldly.
The recruit seemed surprised. “A seagull?
That doesn’t seem like it would cause you to lose your eye.
Did it get infected?”
“No,” the Captain started.
“It was the day after I got me hook…”
A airline pilot was scheduled
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing
Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks.
They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says,
‘Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!’
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain
Little Johnny was eating breakfast
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”
“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
A older couple wakes up
A man and his wife were in restaurant
Shortly after British Airways 293 flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heath row to Toronto.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.
So sit back, relax and OH, MY GOD!
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you.
While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!’
One passenger yelled, ‘For God’s sake, you should see the back of mine!’
A elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
“Doctor,” the man said,
“I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,” the doctor said.
“Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”
“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted.
“This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”
“Well,” said the doctor,
“let me ask you this. How often do you have s*x?”
The man seemed a bit ashamed.
“I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.”
“Well, there you have it!”
The doctor said confidently. “It’s rust.”
Predicting the weather
How to catch an elephant
A milkman, who is dying in the hospital, is surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his wife and a nurse.
He says: To you, Peter, I leave the Beverly houses.
To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartments in the Los Angeles Plaza.
To you, Charlie, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Center offices.
And you, my dear wife, the three residential buildings towers in downtown.
The nurse, impressed, tells his wife, “Madam, your husband is very rich, he is bequeathing many properties! You all are so lucky!!!”
A six-foot beetle standing
Billy Bob Wanted To Sell His Old Truck
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER use big people words!”
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN use big people words.”
She then asked Bobby what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said.
“What book did you read?”
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said,
“Winnie the Shit.”
The devil pulls up
She was a friendly-looking young woman
Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life.
When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was standing there waiting for her.
He said, “Welcome, Elsa do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?”
“I do,” Elsa replied.
“I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain of having a baby.”
St. Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while.
She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby. While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever.
The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe.
“How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” the midwife asked him.
“Oh no, I’m feeling great,” the husband replied.
“But I think we have to call for an ambulance our neighbor John is lying out there on the lawn screaming his head off!”
Two old Jewish men Sid and Abe
The coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it.
As he does so, a loud voice from above says,
“There are no fish down there.”
So the drunk fisherman walks several yards away and drills another hole.
As he peers into it he again hears a voice say,
“There’s no fish down there.”
So he walks about 20 yards away and drills another hole.
Once again the voice says,
“There’s no fish down there.”
The fisherman looks up to the sky and asks,
“God, is that you?”
“No, you idiot,” says the voice.
“It’s the rink manager.”
A elderly woman went to the doctor
A farmer walked into a bar
Little Johnny was wondering one day and decided to ask his dad.
“Dad, how come big dogs can make little dogs and big cats can make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s father replied, “Well Johnny, this sounds like a great quey for your mother.”
So off Johnny went to go ask his mother…
“Mom, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make a little cat but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s mom thought about it and said: “Well, Johnny, this sounds like a good question to ask Mr Jones down at the railroad yard.”
So off Johnny went to go ask Mr Jones.
“Mr Jones, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Mr Jones looked at Johnny seriously and said, “Well Johnny, that because Union pacific always pulls out on time!”
An elderly patient in a mental hospital
A little Johnny reading the story
Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
“Incredible!,” says his friend. “Medical science is amazing.”
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
“Incredible!,” says his friend. “Medical science is amazing!”
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but can’t find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, “Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.”
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, “Oh yeah, some dickhead put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”
Three women were talking
He decided to go see the doctor
A poor boy was in love with a rich man’s daughter overcome with his love for the girl, the boy proposed to her.
However, the rich girl derisively rejected him and said, “Your monthly salary is equivalent to my daily expenses how do you expect me to marry someone like you? I can never love you so forget about me go find and marry someone else of your level.”
Despite being rejected so hurtfully, for some reason, the boy could not forget her so easily roughly 10 years later, they accidentally ran into each other in a shopping mall.
She immediately recognized the man and said, “Hey, how are you? I’m now married to a very smart man, and his salary is $15,700 per month! Can you beat that?”
The man, hearing those painful words from the woman he used to care for, held back his tears and said nothing not a few moments passed when the woman’s husband came back to her side.
But before the lady could say a word, her husband immediately recognized the man she was talking to and said,
“Sir? G-good afternoon! I see you’ve met my wife!”
“Good afternoon too, Mr…?”, said the man.
“Mr Carter, Sir!” The husband then turned to his wife and said,
“Dear, I’d like you to meet my boss he owns the $100 million project I’ve been working on!”
The woman, left flabbergasted by the turn of events, was not able to say anything back.
The man just smiled and said, “Well, Mr Carter I’ve got to get going, I have important things to attend to It was splendid seeing you today have a great day!”
For a minute, the couple just stared at the man as he walked away having been over her initial shock, the woman asked her husband in disbelief, “That was your boss?”
“Yes, dear he’s a very humble person but his life is quite a sad story they said he once loved a lady but she dumped him because he was just a poor boy back then.
Because of that, he worked really hard and because he’s smart, he became successful now he’s a multimillionaire who earns millions of dollars a month.
Unfortunately though, he couldn’t move on from that heartbreak and remains unmarried still.”
The husband went on and said, “How lucky would that lady have been if she had married that man?”
The lady looked in total shock and couldn’t utter a word.
The doctor tells him
Drunken Lady
A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper, “Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?”
“Yes,” the professor answered.
“When I was a young candidate at the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.”
“Well,” said the gatekeeper. “That is a very minor sin. You may enter.”
“Thank you very much, Saint Peter,” the professor answered.
“You’re welcome, but I am not Saint Peter,” said the gatekeeper.
“He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas.”
There was this guy at a bar
Two men are in a doctor office
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, I asked her to pay for the attic with make love favors and she accepted,” continued the old man.
“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk you would have suffered terribly at their hands of the Germans had they found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.
“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”
She told her new husband
Johnny going to his first day of school
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
“What will you have?” he asked.
“Oh, I don’t know.
The same as you I suppose,” she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered.
“I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”
“Well, there you go,” cried the husband.
“And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch
A old man goes to a doctor
Three men are traveling on a ship, when they are accosted by the Devil.
The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man’s slave.
If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up.
The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets eaten.
The second drops an expensive watch, trying to impress the Devil, and gets eaten.
The third man fills a bottle with water and pours it into the sea yelling,
“You think I’m a fool? Try finding that!”
The brand new blonde waitress
God asks the nun
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.
They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.
The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.
The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.
The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
A farmer buys a young rooster
Two guys are walking through a game park
Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone’s yard.
The driver says, “That is great. My wife and I do that every night.”
The passenger replies, “My wife is conservative, she likes it the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it.”
The driver says, “Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set.”
The next morning they’re cruising along and the driver asks, “How was it?”
The passenger answers, “It was great, but it took my wife ten drinks.”
The driver looks at him funny and says, “Ten drinks?”
The passenger says, “Yes. After two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took her eight more to get her out on the front lawn!”
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies
A doctor had just finished a marathon love session with one of his patients.
He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn’t really ethical to bang one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said, “Lots of other doctors have lovemaking with their patients so its not like you’re the first…”
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, “… but they probably weren’t veterinarians”
A blonde told her doctor
A lady was filling her tank
This young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their young son what they were having.
“Goat,” the little boy replied.
“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth.
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yep,” said the youngster.
“I heard Pa say to Ma, ‘Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.’”
A girl came skipping home from school
A young couple were driving down
Father was a hardworking man who delivered bread as a living to support his wife and three children.
He spent all his evenings after work attending classes, hoping to improve himself so that he could one day find a better paying job.
Except for Sundays, Father hardly ate a meal together with his family.
He worked and studied very hard because he wanted to provide his family with the best money could buy.
Whenever the family complained that he was not spending enough time with them, he reasoned that he was doing all this for them.
But he often yearned to spend more time with his family.
The day came when the examination results were announced to his joy, Father passed, and with distinctions too! Soon after, he was offered a good job as a senior supervisor which paid handsomely.
Like a dream come true, Father could now afford to provide his family with life’s little luxuries like nice clothing, fine food and vacation abroad.
However, the family still did not get to see father for most of the week he continued to work very hard, hoping to be promoted to the position of manager.
She called in a repairman
I need to inspect your ranch
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
“Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
The owner of a golf course was confused
A old lady goes to her bank
There was once a small town called Redditville.
In this town lived a homeless man named ThunderingSacks.
Our homeless hero was well known for taking a dump in public at the same spot every day.
In this spot was a 2×4 piece of wood. It pointed straight up out the ground.
One day while doing his business, ThunderingSacks heard a scream. A young woman was being chased by a man with a knife.
ThunderingSacks pulled up his trousers and ran to her rescue. He was able to scare the attacker off but only after being stabbed.
Dying, ThunderingSacks beckoned the girl over.
He whispered in her ear, “Take care of my poop station.” ThunderingSacks was no more.
After his passing, word got out about his heroic deed.
People from all over town went to the 2×4 that was his restroom and threw money and jewelry at it to pay respect.
Two men stood watching. The first man said, “If only we appreciate him more when he was alive.”
The second man replies,
“Yes, he was a good man.
Nobody would have expected that his shitpost would be riddled with platinum, gold, and silver
A hunter had been out hunting bear
An elderly man and his wife
An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to.
So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age.
He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things.
The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V the man gets up and heads for the kitchen.
His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns.
He says he will, and she says he should write it down.
“I’m just going to the kitchen, I’ll remember.”
“Well, I want that with nuts, too.”
“OK. he says ice cream with nuts.”
She asks again if he’s going to write it down.
“No, I’m just going to the kitchen.”
“And a Cherry on the top?”
He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down.
Now the old man is angry, “Look, old lady I’m not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top.”
He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife.
She looks up and says, “Honey, you forgot my toast.”
A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip
After 15 years of not having lovemaking, an old couple finally decide that it’s about time they did something about their make love life.
After much deliberation they decide to have a nudist day, they will walk around the house all day with nothing on, and just see what happens.
The next day comes and they decide to have breakfast round the kitchen table without a scrap of clothing on.
After a little while the old lady turns to here husband and says, “By love I think this is working, I’m getting really turned on!!”
They old man replies, “Well how do you mean love?”
His wife says, “Well I’m getting all hot… my melons are red hot!!!”
He replies, “Well I’m not bloody surprised woman! You’ve got one melons in your coffee and the other in your porridge!”
A young honeymoon couple were touring
A couple was lying in bed one evening
A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, “Show me where.”
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, “Ouch!”
Then she touched her leg and screamed, “Ouch!”
She touched her nose and cried, “Ouch!”
She looked at her doctor and said, “See? It hurts everywhere!”
The doctor laughed and said, “Don’t worry; it’s not serious. You’ve just got a broken finger.”
A lady is working at old people home
A doctor had just finished a marathon
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description.
She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”
The next-door neighbor immediately saw a problem with this, and began to protest:
“Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”
The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”
At the first house the owner said
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday