Two men were hunting in the woods when, all of a sudden, one man had a heart attack.
The other called 911.
Someone answered, and he said, “You’ve gotta come help me.
The guy I was hunting with had a heart attack.”
The person said, “Well, you’ve gotta make sure that he is dead.”
So the hunter said, “Okay.” Then he left the phone, there was a long pause, then a gun shot.
The hunter got back on the phone and said “Okay, now what?”
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop
A man lives in a high rise
Man looks at his friend and says “if you and a friend go camping
you two get really drunk and in the morning you wake up with a protection in your bum
would you tell anyone? ”
The friend says im a disgusted tone “No”
So the man says “ok let’s go camping
The Kid Asks His Dad
One day Little Johnny’s class
My son’s teacher has been giving him poor marks for grammar.
At a parent-teacher conference, she was really lording it over me.
“You know, I consulted on the latest version of the Chicago Manual of Style.”
“Oh, wow, that’s—”
“And I have a Master’s from Cornell.”
“Yes, I saw the degree when I walked in, but my son really needs—”
“You don’t even have a degree! You think you know what your son needs?
You probably don’t even know parts of speech.
Tell me, OP, how do you feel about ‘pronouns’?”
“Well, I think they is great
On the outskirts of a small town
A man walks into a rooftop bar
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of make love that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”
A little girl asked her Mom
A guy goes over to his friend house
There was once a couple that had been married for 20 years.
They had a fine love life, with one exception:
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights completely.
Well, at first it wasn’t so annoying, but after so many years of marriage the wife felt it was foolish.
She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a specially made pleasure device.
She got very angry.
“You impotent bastard!” she screamed at him.
“How could you have been lying to me all these years? You better explain yourself!”
The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly:
“I’ll explain the toy if you explain the kids.”
A husband said to his wife
A man and his wife were having an argument
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says,
“Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers,
“Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Thomas replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
One day he rushes into a lawyer
The junior executive had been complaining
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem you see, only you’ve got to promise not to laugh”.
The doctor replies, “Of course I won’t laugh!
That would be thoroughly unprofessional.
In over twenty years of being a doctor I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“OK then,” says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest weenie he has ever seen in his life.
Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably.
Several minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” he says to the patient.
“I don’t know what came over me, I won’t let it happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?
The man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says, “It’s swollen.”
A man goes into a restaurant
A boy starts his first day at Walmart
A blonde was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later the blonde complained to the doctor that they didn’t produce the desired results.
“Have you been taking them regularly?” the doctor asked.
“What do you think I’ve been doing,” the blonde said, “Shoving them up my bum?”
Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time
Two man decide to go duck hunting
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.
He decides to test it out on his son at supper.
Dad says: “Where were you last night?”
Son says: “I was at the library.”
The robot slaps the son.
Son says “OK, I was at a friend’s house.”
“Doing what?” asked the father.
Son says: “Watching a movie toy Story.”
The robot slaps the son.
“OK it was dirty!” cried the son.
Father yells “What? When I was your age I didn’t know what dirty was.”
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, “He certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
Three men are playing golf
Paddy’s friend is hit by a car
An older couple wake up in the morning and the husband looks over at the woman and says,
‘Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…’ And the woman replied, ‘Yes, go on tell me.’
So the husband told her.
‘I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.’
So the wife says, ‘Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.’
The husband says, ‘No, I am sure it was a dream’.
A boy asked his father a question
Harry walks in the bathroom
The Argentinean golfer Robert de Vincenzo went to the parking lot to get his car after having won an important tournament.
At that moment, a woman approached him
After congratulating him for his victory, she told him her son was at the edge of death and that she had no money to pay the hospital bills.
De Vincenzo immediately gave her part of the money he had won that afternoon.
A week later, at a lunch at the Professional Golf Association, he told this story to a couple of friends
One of them asked him if the woman was blond with a small scar under her left eye.
De Vincenzo agreed
“You were cheated,” his friend said.
“This woman is a swindler and is always telling the same story to all foreign golfers that show up here.”
“So there is no child at the edge of death?”
“No.”
“Well, this was the best news I got this week!” said the golf player.
A old hillbilly farmer
A Old Man Goes To The Doctor
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times.
After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, “Who are you?”
The fat man replied, “I am a genie you have freed from that lamp.”
Dylan questioned, “Oh man, do I get three wishes?”
The genie replied, “Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one.”
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, “I want to be the best golfer ever.”
The surprised genie said, “You sure?
Most people wish for money, but okay.
Now your wife gets one wish.”
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, “I want a million dollars every week of my life.”
The genie said, “Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I’ve been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan.”
Dylan said, “No way!”
The genie replied, “Not even for a million dollars a week?”
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, “I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves.”
Dylan said, “Okay, have fun, I guess,” and left.
Dylan’s wife then proceeded to have wild make love for the rest of the day with the genie.
When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, “Forty-five.”
The Genie laughed and said, “Isn’t he a little old to be believing in genies?”
Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner
They each go into the woods find a bear
A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience.
The doctor told him that before make love often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.
The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.
He couldn’t do it in his office.
He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan…
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to self enjoyment.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to peek, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the peek, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”
He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?”
The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”
Came the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago.”
Sally a blonde was seen going
A little old lady came running towards
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.
One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing.
She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off,
but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”
He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach.
Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
“Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”
“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. “She’s selling batteries.”
“Batteries?” cried the wife.
“Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells by the Seashore.”
The little girls answer shocks the teacher
A Woman Is Overweight, so goes on a diet
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.
They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half.
He places one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.
He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them.
As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering.
“That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table.
He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man replies that they’re just fine they’re just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks, “May I ask what is it you are waiting for?”
The old woman answers “The teeth.”
A couple moves into a new neighborhood
A boy was walking down the street
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said, ” Where are you, you know we have lots to do?!”
He said, “You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace?
I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up.
“Yes, I do remember that shop.” she replied.
“Well I am in the bar next to that.”
A Drunk Man Was Sitting By A Pond
The Gynecologist Who Became A Mechanic!
Three devout nuns were summoned into the priest office one day.
He told them “You have been loyal to the Lord and our church.
Because of this, I am granting you permission to go out and sin one time.
At the end of the day come back, confess your sin, bathe in holy water, and you will be forgiven.”
At the end of the day the three nuns returned.
The priest called on the first nun. “What sin have you committed my child?” The priest asked.
“I stole coins from the fountain,” the nun replied. “You are forgiven.
Go bathe in the holy water.”
He called the second nun to him.
He asked her sin and she replied “I danced around the square n*ked.”
He forgave her sin and sent her to bathe in the holy water.
The priest called the third nun to him.
The third nun walked in the office giggling uncontrollably.
The priest asked what sin she had committed.
When she got her laughter under control she replied “I peed in the holy water.
Three mice are sitting in a bar
Two guys walking in front of a large church
If you let me touch your wife’s bum and smack it, i will pay you $100,000 says a guy to his best friend.
His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying.
Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him to deny such an offer.
She says, “you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna make love me.
I mean $100,000 for touching and smacking my bum is worth it, we can buy hell lot of stuff”.
The husband agrees and calls his friend over the next day to touch and smack his wife’s bum.
Everyone is in the room now, the wife comes over, removes her skirt and his friend starts touching and feeling his wife’s bum.
Two minutes passed and he is still touching and feeling it.
The husband got angry and screamed, “yo idiot, smack the bum now, enough”
The friend replied, “how can I smack dude, I don’t have $100,000.
Grandpa what is couple
A woman meets a man in a bar
An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I’ll then give you more bang pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front melons pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you bang pleasures like you have never had.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Two man are in a bar getting drunk
Mrs Potts went to the doctor
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says,
“You re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?”
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says,
“One thousand, eight hundred and thirty-two.”
The farmer is amazed.
“Exactly right”, he says.
“How did you work that out so fast?”
“Easy,” says the accountant
“I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.”
He was sitting in his boat and fishing
A elderly wealthy man walks
A newly married Italian couple is spending their honeymoon in the bride’s mother’s country cottage.
It’s the 1930s the bride’s father died long ago, and they don’t have much money so this is the best they can do.
The new bride, a lovely young woman, has never left her village and never been with a man before.
Her new husband sits alone upstairs while she tells her mother how nervous and scared she is to be with a man for the first time.
“You-a don’t-a worry” Her mother tells her “I stay here and make-a the spaghetti, you go upstairs and have-a some fun”
The young woman goes upstairs and readied herself to consummate her marriage.
Her husband, sitting on the bed smiling begins to remove his shirt.
Having never seen a hairy chest before, the young bride gets frightened and runs downstairs.
“Momma!” she says “It’s-a so scary! He has-a the hair on his-a chest-a.”
“Calm down, little one” her mother says, stirring the sauce.
“Everything-a gonna be-a alright. I stay here and make-a the spaghetti, you go-a upstairs and have-a some fun”
So the young bride goes back upstairs.
Her new husband takes off his shoes, and pulls down his pants.
Having never seen hairy legs before, she gets scared and runs back downstairs.
“Oh-a momma!” she cries “It’s-a so scary! He has-a the hair on his legs-a”
“It’s-a OK,” her mother says in a calming voice.
“I stay here-a and make-a the spaghetti. You-a go upstairs and have-a some fun.”
So the bride goes back upstairs.
Her new husband is now wearing only his underwear and socks.
She stands in the doorway, gathered herself and smiles at her groom.
He sits on the bed and removes his socks.
However, the man had fought in the Great War and was injured by a landmine.
It blew off all of his toes and part of his left foot.
The new bride knowing this was not normal cried out in fear and ran back downstairs.
“Momma! Momma! she screams. It’s-a so scary! Oh my god-a momma, I never seen-a anything like it before-a. You won’t believe it momma, but he has a foot and a half!”
The mother stops stirring her sauce and looks up at her daughter in disbelief.
After a short pause she says “OK dear, don’t-a worry. You stay here-a and make-a the spaghetti…..I go upstairs and have-a some fun”
A wife asked her husband to drop
A couple had been married for 40 years
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again:
The boy asked, “What is this Father?”
The father never having seen an elevator responded!
“Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don”t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…
“Go get your Mother!”
A elderly man went to a doctor
A man was dragged to the cinema by his wife
Morris had died.
His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris’ Last Will and Testament.
“To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar.
To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill.”
Young lady drove a little yellow sports car
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store
A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist.
He says to his friend, “That’s amazing. How did you get that?”
The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish.
He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish.
So the man thinks and says, “I wish I had a million bucks.” The genie says, “OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted.”
The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads.
He goes back in and tells his friend what happend, and his friend replies, “I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?”
Sharing A Room
A little girl and her mother at church
There was a prince who was besotted with his own beauty
If any traveler came to the palace he would ask him: “Have you ever seen anyone as handsome as me?”
No one ever had
One day an obsequious traveler said to him: “I don’t think there could be anyone in the whole world as good-looking as you
I don’t think even a god could be as handsome.”
This made the prince very happy and he went around telling everyone that he was more handsome than any god.
One day he had two visitors who identified themselves as gods.
“We have come to see if you are as handsome as you claim,” they explained.
“Aren’t I?” he asked.
“We visited you earlier in the day when you were asleep,” said one of the gods “You were more handsome then.”
“How could my looks decline within a few hours?” said the prince He turned to his servants “Did I look better in the morning?” he enquirer.
“You looked the same,” said his servants
“We are gods,” said one of the visitors
“We can see what your servants cannot
Their vision is imperfect and we’ll prove it to you bring a bowl of water.”
A bowl of water was brought
The god asked the servants to study it closely and then leave the room
When they were gone, he removed half a spoonful of water from the bowl
Then the servants were called back in.
“Is there any change in the bowl of water?” asked the god.
“None,” said the servants
“They cannot see that the water has diminished,” said the god, “just as they cannot see that your beauty has deteriorated.”
The prince was shaken
He thought : “My beauty is diminishing by the day
It is short-lived
Why am I besotted by something so fleeting? I should concern myself with that which is eternal.”
He never again looked into a mirror and in course of time renounced his throne and became a monk.
A businessman was in big trouble
A guy driving a Yugo
A statue of a Macho athlete was displayed in a Museum.
Husband and Wife came walking there appreciating and arguing everything they saw so far.
Husband would not let wife win the battles of wits.
So wife relaxed watching this n*de statue with just a couple of leaves to cover its privates, hoping husband goes to other displays.
The husband says, “Marvelous, but really darling there is not much to appreciate here.
What is it that you are waiting for?”
Wife says, “Dear, the season when the Leaves Fall.”
A woman goes to her doctor
Old Men Are Fast Thinkers Beware
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy.
The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
“Ever have an accident?”
“Nope, nary a one.”
“None? You’ve never had any accidents.”
“Nope. Ain’t had one. Never.”
“Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”
“Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”
Three women friends met for drinks after work
The nights are already cold so sharing the tent
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks.
After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks.
The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down
A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, ‘You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K’.
She said, ‘What does that mean?’
He said, ‘Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous Hot’.
She said, ‘Oh that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?’
He said, ‘ I’m Just Kidding’
Mary and Dave went a romantic dinner
A city boy driving through passes a chicken farm
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
“No,” said the minister.
“I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the guru said.
“The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
“Hey, fellas,” he interrupted.
“The best praying’ I ever did was when I was hanging’ upside down from a telephone pole.”
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for container
The office manager called a local repair shop