A little lizard is walking through the Australian bush when a voice calls“Hey lizard”The lizard looks up and perched in the tree is a koala smoking a joint.“Come on up and join me in a joint”So the lizard climbs the tree and the koala rolls him a joint an
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.The doctor says:“Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up.Take the b
A man and his wife were having some arguments and problems at homeand were giving each other the silent treatment.The next day the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5 am for an early flight to Sydney.Not wanting to be the first to br
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m.I discovered that it had not been one of my wife’s better days.Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and s
A guy comes home from work and he is quite upset.His wife looks worried and asks him what’s wrong.He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.Later, during dinner, he’s just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.“Honey, what i
60th High School Reunion, He was a widower and she a widow.They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the w
… complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old.The first old man said, “I’d give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it’s only a small dribble.”The seco
… and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.“Woah woah woah… what gives?!”, the man says.The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let’s up.“I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and fo
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.“The sand traps seem to be bigger
A Blonde is very upset at people stereotyping blondes, so she organises a blonde convention.
Over 50,000 blondes attend.
The leader stands on a stage and says, “Us blondes have always been misrepresented by the media and we have always been stereoty
… when an older man in the crowd was heard saying, “PeanutsPopcornCracker Jack.”Castro didn’t break his stride but a few minutes later, a second voice was heard but with the same message, “PeanutsPopcornCracker Jack.”This time the Bearded One seemed momen
The first one married a woman from Minneapolis, and said to her:“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”He didn’t see any changes on the first day, but on the second day the house was clean and tidy.The second brother married a
On their first date, a man asked his companion if she’d like a drink with dinner.“Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said.Later, he offered her a cigarette.“Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said again On the drive
Sarah and Abe are out celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary.During the evening, Sarah broaches the subject of (their) life insurance, an issue she has been raising with him for at least 10 years, without success.“Abe,” she says, with tears in her eye
3 nuns are talking and the first nun says, “u would never believe what i discovered.”
intrigued, the other to signal her to continue. ” i found a phone in the priests room.”
said the first nun.
“oh thats nothing said the second one, i found c*ndo
A very proper business lady was on the lot of a Mercedes dealership in her local town.
She strolled through the vehicles until she found a car that caught her eye.
After looking it over for a while she noticed the car was unlocked.
She opened the
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.Giovanni said, “Hey, Luigi, How was a da treep?”Luigi said, “Everything was-a perfect except for
A schoolteacher used to take a short nap every afternoon.When his pupils asked him why he did so, he said that he went to dreamland to meet ancient sages.One extremely hot day some of the pupils fell asleep in the afternoon.When the school-teacher chided
A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said;
“Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithf
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law schoolHe decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town.He really wanted to impress everyoneHe opened his new law office, but business was very
Bob was in troubleHe forgot his wedding anniversaryHis wife was really pissed.She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”The next morning he got up early and left
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students…“Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroomMichael?”Michael: “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”T
Three High school girls go to the same bathroom every 4th period and each time they gossip and spill tea, and do their makeup, and each time before they leave they write a message on the mirror with their lipstick.Sometimes they write the name of the boy
A man escapes a prison where he has been locked up for 15 years.
He goes into a house and finds a young couple in bed.
He forces the young man into a chair and duck taped him there.
Then he leans over the woman and kisses her neck, then he goes i
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.As she sat by him he whispered, eyes full of tears: “You know what
A mother took her little boy to church.While in church the little boy said,“Mommy, I have to pee.”The mother said to the little boy,“It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church.So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.“If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”“Oh no! This judge is a stickler or
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, “
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:“Before you leave, I want you to hear how thi