A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police.“For example.” he said, “when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold w
Please be advised that all members planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs.This assessment must also consi
A husband and wife are eating at Hooters for their 20th anniversary.
A gorgeous waitress comes up and asks them what they’d like to drink.
“Oh my god, you are gorgeous.” Said the husband.
His wife just shook her head and smiled.
“Why don’t you
Once there were three men, Charlie, Mason and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter came up to them and said, “You will all be given a method of transportation for your
… and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the m
Paddy’s friend is hit by a car so he phones for an ambulance.Paddy: ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he’s bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broke.’Operator: ‘What’s your location sir?’Paddy: ‘Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street …’O
A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks,
“Where have you been?” The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says,
“Where have you been?
This is one such story.The Captain called the Sergeant in“Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. You better go tell him and send him in to see me.”So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troop
A young doctor had moved to a small community near Broken Hill to replace a doctor who was retiring.The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.At the first house a
A couple of guys from West Virginia are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground.He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his headThe other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.He gasps to the operator, “Bubb
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said “You are in fine shape for your age.. but tell me.. do you still have intercourse?” “Just a minute .. I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said.
She went out
Late in the night, Jim, a Marine, finally regained consciousness.He was in hospital, in agonizing pain.He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a gorge
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.After recovering his consciousness, he starts t
Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting one afternoon.Ole needs to toss a whizz so he steps behind a tree to take care of business.All the sudden Sven hears a bone-chilling cry.He checks on his best friend Ole and there he is, lying on the ground.“Sven, a ra
This dog walks into a post office and says to the Postmaster.
“I need to send a telegram.”
The Postmaster says.
“OK, what is it?”
The dog says.
“I need it to say, Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof.”
The Postmaster counts the words and s
A young wife from Montana had an appointment with her doctor to ask for advice on how to treat her husband’s lack of s.x drive ever since his motorcycle accident 12 months ago.“Have you tried Viagra?” the doctor asked.“Not a chance,” the young lady replie
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red lightThe driver is a real bast…, steps out of his car and comes striding toward theofficer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!So the officer calmly tells him o
The lawyer says to his client, Bill Shorten,
“I have some good news and some bad news.”
Bill replies:
“I’ve had a bloody awful week, so let’s hear the good news first.”
The lawyer says:
“Your wife Chloe invested $20,000 in five pictures whi
The final exam for a class was scheduled from 8:00-11:00 AMAt 10 AM, with one hour to go, Little Johnny walks in and asks for an exam:The professor hands it to him but informs him that he still must finish within the hour or he will receive a zero and fai
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”“The pilot was bothered by a noise he hear
Two men are flying in a captive balloon.The wind is ugly and they come away from their course and they have no idea where they are.So they go down to 15 m above ground and ask a passing wanderer“Could you tell us where we are?”“You are in a balloon.”So th
An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape he was in.
The doctor asked, “Why do you think you have such good health?”
The old-timer said,
“I’m a turkey hunter and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up before dayl
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 betThe bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patronAnyone who could squeeze one more drop
A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.
As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.
Little Johnny replied, “I’m
A man in Sydney walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuceThe boy working in the produce department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.The man was insistent that the boy ask the manage
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, “Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at homeI want her to know what I go thr
In a small parish church, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest, Father Michael.
Father Michael asked the janitor, “Could you hop into the confessional and listen to confessions for me, just for a few min
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.“Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” He asked his mother.“He thinks a lot” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to
… heading downtown to go to the movies, when a young punk got on.She had spiked, multi-colored hair that was green, purple, and orange.Her clothes were a tattered mix of leather rags, her legs were bare and she was wearing worn-out shoes. Her entire face
A man went to God and asked, “What’s the value of life?”
God gave him a stone and told him to figure out its value without selling it.
The man then took the stone to an orange seller and asked about its value.
The orange seller offered 12 oranges