The librarian handed the chicken a book and the bird left.Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, tossed the book on the desk and said: ‘book, book, book, book’.The librarian handed the chicken a different book and the chicken left.Ten minutes later, the
A mother sees her son watching television and says,
“Jimmy! I thought I told you to do the dishes after you do your homework!
Why are you watching television?”
Jimmy replies, “It’s okay, Mom! I haven’t done my homework yet.”
One evening a teenage daughter and her mother were out shopping when they stopped to make a purchase.
The young girl greeted the cashier with only a “Hi,” then proceeded to dig nervously in her wallet.
She was having obvious trouble counting out the
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads “Ludwig van B
“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with listening devices.” the girlfriend tells her boyfriend.“That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies.The girl insists, so he starts to search the roomHe looks in
One day, an elderly man Jimmy was walking down Main Street when he saw his old buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.“Bubba, where’d you get that truck?!”“Mary gave it to me,” Bubba replied.“She gave it to you? I k
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.
As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
“Wo
This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep th
Tiger Woods shocks the gas station attendant when he says thisThe pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is“Top of the mornin’ to yer, Sir” says the attendant.Tiger
Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette, the other walks out to his moped.
The guy with the moped admires the Corvette and the owner lets him take a look at it.
The he gets on his moped, the other guy gets into his ‘Vette, and they both
Seated in the Yankee Stadium bleachers, he watched as a man swung a stick, hit a ball and started toward a white bag down the line.Everyone stood up and yelled, “Run, run!”Then a second guy came up to the plate, whacked the ball and started down toward th
A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charityThe local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet.They go to his door and he answers, “What do you want?”One of t
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.“So, what is it?” grumbled the governor.“Judge Garber has just died” said the att
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His fat
Mike was driving home from a long business trip in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.With a silent
Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.
The first says, “My son is so successful, he’s VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. “
The second says, ” That’s nothing, my son is CEO of his comp
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.
It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing.
The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temp
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth!”The man said, “No pro
Jonny went to school one day and later that day his dad got a call
saying he needs to pick up his son because he had had s*x with a teacher.
When Jonny got home his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike.
When they bought
Married or not you should read this…When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell youShe sat down and ate quietlyAgain I observed the hurt in her eyes.Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouthB
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other,
“Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?”
The other replies, “Well I don’t know.
You should pray to God about that and ask him.” So that night he did
and God replied, “You are w
A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him and exclaims,“An enemy ship is approaching us!”The captain replies calmly, “Go get my red shirt.”The soldier gets the shirt for the captain.The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computersHe dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having
A high school recently was faced with a unique problem.A number of the girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of
– Hello! Gordon’s pizza?– No sir it’s Google’s pizza.– So it’s a wrong number?– No sir, Google bought it.– OKTake my order please..– Well sir, you want the usual?– The usual? You know me?– According to our caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizz
Yesterday afternoon, my Mother-in-law narrowly escaped injury when the aircraft she was piloting was forced to make an emergency landing in a rural area because of bad weather.The CAA (Civil Aviation Authority) issued a preliminary report, citing pilot er
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake.The owner of the farm shouted:“Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 10 million dollars.”The silence was deaf
The subway car was packed.
It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand.
One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said,
“Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going to the cops!”
“I don’t know w
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.He goes home
A man went to God and asked, “What’s the value of life?”
God gave him a stone and told him to figure out its value without selling it.
The man then took the stone to an orange seller and asked about its value.
The orange seller offered 12 oranges