Frank always looked on the bright side.
He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.”
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one Saturday, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Mr. Johnson, the CEO?
He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That`s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “If it had happened the night before, I`d be dead now!
A man owned a small ranch
I was walking through the city
A blonde walks into the library.
She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian,
“This is the worst book I’ve ever read!
It has no plot and far too many characters!”
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks,
“So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”
Three men and woman are travelling on a train
One day a father and son
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.”
The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.
The policeman said, “Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!”
The boy answered, “I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema.”
Two lawyers were out hunting
The captain realized his ship was sinking
Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend.
“You are wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.
“Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”
The end of a job interview
A boy is selling fish on a corner
A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.
She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, “Just a stupid can of peaches.”
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, “I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store.”
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, “Nine! But why do you care about that?”
The judge answered patiently, “Well, ma’am because I’m going to give you nine days in jail one day for each peach.”
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady’s long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, “Yes sir, what do you have to add?”
The husband said meekly, “Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas.”
A elderly couple a priest and a doctor
Alan’s wife called him as he was at pub
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars.
Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.
The cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.
Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the rabbi what was happening;
“Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.”
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked,
“Did you buy this cow from Alberta?”
The people were dumbfounded.
They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.
“You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?”
The rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Alberta.”
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died
A guy had a dog that kept getting into the neighbors
One day a man goes to the beach to get a tan, he is wearing no clothes except for a newspaper to cover his privates.
A little girl walk up to him and asks ”What is under the newspaper?”
The man replies ”Oh, that’s my birdy, don’t touch it.”
Soon after, he falls asleep.
When he woke up he realized he was in a hospital and he felt a tense pain in his private area.
He sees the little girl sitting beside his bed.
”What happened?” the man asks ”Oh, uh yeah when you fell asleep I went and played with your birdy but then it spat on me sooo.
I broke it’s neck, smashed it’s eggs and burned it’s nest.
There are three friends
Anna and blonde are walking home
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,
“Are you a little girl or a little boy?”
“I don’t know,” replied the other baby giggling.
“What do you mean, you don’t know?” said the first baby.
“I mean I don’t know how to tell the difference,” was the reply.
“Well, I do,” said the first baby chuckling, “I’ll climb into your crib and find out.”
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby’s crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he said proudly.
“You’re ever so clever,” cooed the baby girl, “but how can you tell?”
“It’s quite easy really,” replied the baby boy,
“You’ve got pink socks and I’ve got blue ones.”
SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
Baby Love, Cup Of Tea & Dad
A man comes home with his little daughter
A circuit-riding preacher trained his horse to go when he said, “Praise the Lord,” and to stop when he said, “Amen.”
The preacher mounted the horse, said “Praise the Lord,” and went for a ride in the nearby mountains.
When he wanted to stop for lunch by a mountain stream, he said, “Amen.”
He took off again, saying “Praise the Lord.”
The horse started heading toward the edge of a cliff on a narrow mountain trail.
The preacher got excited and said, “Whoa!” Then he remembered and said, “Amen,” and the horse stopped just short of the edge.
The preacher was so relieved that he looked up to heaven and said, “Praise the Lord!”
The madam opened the brothel door
A man goes to the doctor
If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady.
He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.”
But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.
At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”
A Vicar goes to the dentist
The Ranger Explains The Differences In Bears
Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
“I started a new practice last year,” the first one said.
“I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months.”
“Why in the world would you do that?” the other asked.
She responded, “It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without.”
A guy walks into a bar and orders
A tornado hit a farmhouse
They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day.
When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor.
“Whoops,” he says and turns to the waiter, “I’m terribly sorry but could I have another.”
The waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top pocket.
“Here you are, Sir.” Says the waiter, handing him the spoon.
“Oh, thank you,” says the man a little surprised.
The couple tuck into their soups, chit chatting about the wonderful service and how delicious the soup is.
The man glances around the restaurant and notices all the waiters have a spoon sticking out of their top pockets curious about the spoons he beckons the waiter back over.
“Is everything to your liking, Sir?” asks the waiter.
“Oh, yes, it’s wonderful, thank you, I was just curious as to why all the waiters are carrying a spoon in each of their top pockets.”
“Very observant, Sir. Statistically spoons are the most dropped utensil so to save time we all carry a spoon in our pockets.”
“That’s very clever, thank you.”
The waiter returns to the kitchen and the man turns back to his soup.
After a few more sips he is looking around the room again and notices the all the waiters have a short piece of string hanging out of the fly on their trousers.
He gestures again for the waiter who returns to the table.
“Anything I can do for you, Sir?”
“Just another question, if you don’t mind,” says the man with genuine curiosity.
“I notice all the waiters have a piece of string hanging out of their fly, what is the reason behind that?”
“Well, Sir, to be perfectly honest the string is tied to the tool so when we go to the bathroom one can just pull it out with the string and eliminate the need to wash ones hands, thus saving more time.”
“Interesting,” says the man.
A look of slight confusion crosses his face and he adds, “But what about when you need to put it away?”
“Well, Sir,” says the waiter, leaning in conspiratorially,
“Personally I use the spoon.”
A woman came home from work late
A young guy and a young girl fell in love
“How are you mate?”
“Yeah, I’m okay. But do me a favor mate.
Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.
”I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21-year-old twin daughters lying n***ked on the bed.
I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have bing bang with both of you.
They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.
”I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?
”He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in f****king one?”
The smart kid has the perfect answer for his boss
A Zen student said to his teacher, “Master, I have an ungovernable temper help me get rid of it.”
“You have something very strange,” said the teacher.
“Show it to me.”
“Right now I cannot show it to you.”
“Why not?”
“It arises suddenly.”
“Then it cannot be your own true nature,” said the teacher,
“If it were, you would be able to show it to me at any time why are you allowing something that is not yours to trouble your life?”
There after whenever the student felt his temper rising he remembered his teacher’s words and checked his anger in time, he developed a calm and placid temperament.
Three newlywed men were discussing
Three old ladies Gertrude, Maude and Tilly
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit.
Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst.
So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars as bribe.
The partner was horrified.
“The judge is an honorable man,” the partner exclaimed.
“If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!”
Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer’s client.
The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him.
“Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars to the judge?”,
The partner asked. “But I did send them,…”
Replied the lawyer and continued,…
“I just enclosed the complainant’s lawyer’s business card.!”
A teacher told her young class
A guy dials his home and a strange woman
The animals of the forest are having a meeting.
For months on end, there was one big party and the forest looks like the end of spring break. Vomit everywhere, empty bottles and trash on every clearing.
They agreed that this can’t go on and voted to go tea total.
The bear was elected sheriff and tasked to control the others.
First day he makes his round.
The fox is sober, so are the wolf and the deer.
The rabbit is missing.
After some search, the rabbit was found pis$ed in his burrow.
The bear gave him a lecture and threatened to kick him out of the forest should be be found drunk again.
Next day, the usual round.
All animals are sober, rabbit missing.
Again, found drunk in his burrow.
The bear gives him one last chance.
Next day all is well, but the rabbit is again missing.
After a long search, the bear takes a break at the lake.
He sees a straw stick out of the water and smells a strong wiff of vodka.
He grabs the straw, pulls it out of the water and is astonished to find the rabbit hanging on to that straw.
He was hiding under water, drunk as never before.
The bear shouts: That’s it, you are out! We animals of the forest took a pledge to quit drinking!
The rabbit squints, burps and answers: Us fish never took no pledge! Leave me alone!
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town
A elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop
This guy says to his buddy, “You’ll never believe what happened last night.”
His buddy says, “Well then, tell me what happened.”
The guy says, “Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch.”
She said, “Can I stay here for a few days?”
I said, “Of course, you can,” and shut the door.
A man went to his lawyer and told
A man goes to a bar with his dog
A man visited the pastor, a man well known for her charitable impulses.
“Pastor,” he said in a broken voice,
“I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this neighborhood.”
The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving.
They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $900.
“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife.
“May I ask who you are?”
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes.
“I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.
A Indian Chief in a modern society
A Teenage Boy Goes To Church
An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp.
He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.”
The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?”
“I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.”
“Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.”
“Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.”
“I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.”
“Granted, and your ex-wife gets two.”
“Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says,
“You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads
Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner
Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette, the other walks out to his moped.
The guy with the moped admires the Corvette and the owner lets him take a look at it.
The he gets on his moped, the other guy gets into his ‘Vette, and they both leave the parking lot.
The guy in the Corvette decides to show off and race out of the parking lot.
He stops at a stop light. Enjoying his music he looks out the window and sees the guy on the moped flying by at about 80 mph!
He can’t believe a moped can go that fast! So he races up to the guy on the moped and passes him again to show how fast he can go.
At the next stop light, the guy on the moped speeds by once more.
Finally the Corvette and moped stop at the same stop light.
“How the hell did you go past me so fast like that!?”
The guy in the Corvette asks. The guy on the moped, all flushed and pale, looks at the man and says, “MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR!!!!”
Telemarketer Repellant
God save the person
After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man,
“You appear to be in good health do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
“In fact, I do,” said the old man.
“After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,
“Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her,
“Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time do you know why?”
“Oh, that crazy old fart” she replied.
“That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”
A young man was walking through a supermarket
A man was leaving a convenience store
A business man got on an elevator in a building.
When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” letters only.
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” letters only.”
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F” another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”
The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”
A blonde walks into an empty bar
Two old women were talking
Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the Doctor after his wife Suzy’s urging.
After a thorough examination, and much thought, the Doctor was ready to tell Harry and a very worried Suzy, his prognosis.
Harry was too stressed out.
He would need 6 months of pure relaxation.
Suzy, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation.
“How should I go about it?” asked Harry.
“OK” said the doctor “I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day.”
The CEO of a large company
Sam was the owner of a worldwide
A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator, along comes this really hot guy.
The girls noticed he has a really bad dandruff problem.
The brunet whispers to the blonde, “Someone should give him head and shoulders.”
And the blonde says, “How do you give shoulders?”
A New York Divorce Lawyer died
A lady about eight months pregnant
A man enters a police station and says to the officer
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses.
Three guys are on a plane
One day there was this little girl watching TV
“Brown bears are usually harmless they avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way.”
However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous.
If you see any grizzly bear droppings leave the area immediately.
“So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the ramblers.
“It’s easy,” replies the ranger.
“They’re full of small bells.”
He didn’t speak for two years
A old Man walked into the bank
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced,
“A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000.”
If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000.
There was a moment’s silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry.
“Two thousand five hundred!”
The old man and young man
Traffic Accident
My wife and I were reflecting on the past year, whilst dining at a restaurant.
I started to complain about something that hadn’t happened the way I wanted it to.
My wife focused her attention on a Christmas tree that someone put there.
I thought that she wasn’t interested in the conversation, so I changed the subject:
“This tree has a beautiful illumination”?, I said.
“Yes, but if you look carefully you can see one burnt light among dozens.
“It seems to me that instead of thinking of this year as dozens of enlightened blessings, you chose to look at the one light that did not glow”
A large bag of money
The cop says woman
A Dad and a Son were watching TV downstairs.
The Dads feet started getting cold.
So he sends his Son upstairs to get his slippers.
When he gets to the top he sees two of his sisters friends on her bed.
He then says, “My Dad sent me up here to sleep with you both”.
They then replied with, “No he hasn’t, you’re lying for sure”.
The Son says, “He has and I can prove it,” so he shouts, “DAD, YOU DID SAY BOTH OF THEM, DIDN’T YOU?”.
His Dad then shouts back, “OF COURSE I DID WHATS THE POINT IN BANG ONE.”
The day she won the lottery
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife