The officer signals for her to pull over, and then walks over and asks her with a smile: “What’s the rush?”
“I’m late for work.”
“Sure,” says the officer, “What do you do?”
“I’m a rectal dis tender.”
“A what? A rectal dis tender? And what is that, exactly?”
“Well, you see, I start by putting a finger in, then another, then I work up to three fingers, four fingers, until the whole hand is in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then slowly but surely I extend the rectum, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
“And what the hell do you do with a 6 feet as…?”
“Give him a speed gun and put him by the side of the road.”
A mathematician and biologist & physicist
A General stepped out taking
A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house,
and the woman rolls over and says, “It’s my husband, you have to leave!”
The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something.
He goes back to the house and says to the woman, “Wait, I’m your husband!”
She replies giving him a dirty look, “So why did you run?”
A husband asks his wife
One night at a dance club
A woman goes her young daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant about 4 months, would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”
Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
“Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
A old lady was walking down the street
A city kid went to his grandpa farm
Steve got a job as a lumberjack…
and on his first day his boss gave him a chainsaw. “here you go. now get to it.”
Steve took the chainsaw, and at the end of the day his boss comes over.
“How many did you get?”, he asks.
“One”, Steve answers.
“wait, how is that possible?
I need you to cut down at least 10 tomorrow.”
And after the second day his boss comes over and asks:”how many?”
Steve says:”two”
“Hmm, maybe there’s something wrong with your chainsaw.
let me take a look at it.” he then proceeds to turn it on.
Steve says:”What’s that sound?
The teacher was teaching the kids
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God.
Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her.
Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That’s wonderful Lord, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful,
but why did you make her so stupid?
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway
A man had the worst day of his life
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, “What do I look like to you?
A landscaper?!”
Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, “Honey, can you fix the faucet?”
The husband replied, “What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!”
Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, “Honey, can you change the light bulb?”
His reply was, “What am I? An electrician?!”
A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, “Honey, what happened here?”
The wife replies, “You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything.”
The husband says, “Honey, how did you pay him?!”
“Oh, you know,” the wife says, “he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have make love with him.”
Somewhat relieved the husband asks, “Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?”
The wife replies, “Who do you think I am? Betty C rocker?!”
A young man and woman got married
A mother comes home from work
This is said to be a favorite story of Lyndon Johnson’s.
A preacher was becoming terribly distracted by a man who came to church every Sunday and slept through the entire sermon.
One Sunday the preacher decided to do something about it.
As he began to preach, the man, true to form, fell fast asleep.
Whereupon the preacher said quietly, “Everyone who wants to go to heaven, stand up.”
The entire congregation immediately stood up, except the sleeping man.
When they sat down, the preacher shouted at the top of his voice, “Everyone who want to go to hell, stand up.”
This startled the dozing man.
Still half asleep, he jumped up, looked around to see what was going on, then said to the preacher.
“I don’t know what we’re voting on but it looks like you and I are the only ones in favor of it.”
Drunken Lady
A judge was interviewing a woman
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man released that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for a flight to Italy.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper,
“Please wake me tomorrow morning at 5:00 am”.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
It read, “It’s 5:00 am, wake up.”
Johnny teacher was giving a lesson
A old man in Miami calls up his son
There once was a farmer who discovered that he had lost his watch in the barn.
It was no ordinary watch because it had sentimental value for him.
After searching for a while he gave up and enlisted the help of children playing outside the barn.
After they searched for a while, just when the farmer was about to give up, a little boy went up to him and asked for another chance.
The farmer looked at him and thought, why not?
After all your friends look sincere enough so the farmer sent the boy back in the barn.
After a moment, the boy came out with a watch on his hand.
The farmer was both happy and surprised so he asked the boy how he succeeded.
The boy replied, “I did nothing but sit on the ground and listen in silence,
I heard the ticking of the watch and just looked for it in that direction”
A woman walks into the City
A philosophy professor
Superman and flash were in the living room pounding back a few beer flash says to Superman.
i bet you u can fly into wonder woman bed room and get the best private part of your life so he does it when he goes back to flash.
Superman says to flash man that was great but my bum kinda burns.
Johnny catch’s parents having lovemaking
Johnny went to school
A man walks out to the street and stops a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman… he was a cabbie who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, he was always in the right place at the right time. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy, perfect in every way.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right, he never made a mistake, he was perfect!!”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He was the best lover in bed, and could take his wife to the top of the mountain.
He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. His clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “This Frank Feldman was an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well… I never actually met Frank. He died, and I have the pleasure of being married to his widow.”
A cowboy is riding his horse
A married man affair with his secretary
Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks “What’s that mum?”
His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she came up with the following, “That’s where your dad accidentally hit me with an love!” and little Harry replies,
“Good shot, right in the cunt!”
A older couple wake up in the morning
A family is at the dinner table
Once there was a business executive who was sunken in debt and could see no way out.
Creditors were closing in on him suppliers were demanding payment.
He sat on the park bench, head in hands, wondering if anything could save his company from insolvency.
Suddenly an old man appeared before him.
“I can see that something is worrying you,” he said.
After listening to the executive’s woes, the old man said: “I believe I can help you.”
He asked the man his name, wrote out a check, and pushed it into his hand saying,
“Take this money meet me here exactly one year from today, and you can pay me back at that time.”
Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come.
The business executive saw in his hand a check for $100,000, signed by Andrew Carnegie, one of the richest men in the world at that time!
“I can erase my money problems in an instant!” he realized
But instead, the executive decided to put the uncashed check in his safe just knowing it was there might give him the strength to work out a way to save his business, he thought.
With revived hope, he negotiated better deals and extended terms of payment.
He closed several big sales within a few months, he was out of debt and making money once again.
Exactly after one year, the executive returned to the park with the uncashed check of $ 100,000
At the same time, the old man appeared there but just as the executive was about to hand back the check and share his success story, a nurse came running up and grabbed the old man.
“I’m so glad I caught him !” she cried.
He is always escaping from the rest home and telling people he’s Andrew Carnegie.
The astonished executive just stood there, stunned.
All year long he’d been wheeling and dealing, buying and selling, convinced he had a check of $100,000 behind him.
Suddenly, he realized that it wasn’t the money real or imagined, that had returned his life around.
It was his newfound self-confidence that gave him the power to achieve anything he went after.
A young naval student
Moishe the Carpenter
An 80-year-old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and says, “I want to get a tattoo”.
The artist hesitantly replies “Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?”
Old lady: “actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right thigh.”
Artist: “you know how much this will hurt? Are you really sure you want them there?”
Old lady barks at him: “of course I know that’s where I want them! I don’t care how much it will hurt!”
Artist: “okay, whatever you want then. Let’s take a look at art the art book to see if there is something you want.”
Old lady: “I already know what I want. I want a Christmas tree on my left thigh, and a turkey on my right thigh”
Artist: “uhhhh ok, I will do that, but could you answer me as to why you would want such a thing?”
Old lady: “because in sick of my husband complaining there is nothing to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving!
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday
A man was in hurry to catch a train
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe the worms closely,” said the teacher putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the teacher asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
A man is sitting on a train
A small guy goes into an elevator
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?”
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, “That’s not a TV it’s a microwave.”
A father asks his 10-year-old son
A man and his wife were in divorce court
One knight told his best friend,
“My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her.
Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend,
I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.”
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached.
It was the knight’s best friend.
He yells, “Hey, you gave me the wrong key.
Two hot young ladies are talking
There was a loser
A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin and his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?”
“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the man.
“For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
A woman consulted a divorce attorney
The doctor and his wife were playing golf
A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.
She met a nice man who said he would give her work.
All she had to do was paint his porch white.
He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing.
He told his wife what he had done.
“Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You’re so mean.” his wife replied.
Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
“It takes time, but it was easy.” was her reply.
“Oh, and it’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband
A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair.
‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asked.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure..”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asked.
“No, I can remember it..”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”
He said, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that write it down?” she asked.
Irritated, he said, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddled off into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment.
“Where’s my toast?”
A elderly couple who had just celebrated
A man lies on his deathbed
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said,
“If you don’t let me unlock the door, you’ll never get in there!”
A frog in a trap
A State Trooper sees a car puttering
An old woman had 3 daughters.
One day she decided to test her Sons-in-law.
One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
Another day she was walking along a lakeshore with the second son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same.
But that guy didn’t respond to her cries for help and didnt move a single step to save her.
The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.
The next day he found a brand new Rolls-Royce in his doorsteps with the following wordings…
“Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law.!!!”
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt
Tax his land, tax his wage
Nurse: “How old are you?”
Patient: “None of your business.”
Nurse: “But the doctor must know your age for his records. Please, just tell me, I’m going to find it out anyway.”
Patient: “Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?”
Nurse: “Yes. Fifty.”
Patient: “All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?”
Nurse: “Zero.”
Patient: “Right. And that’s exactly the chance of me telling you my age.”
9-year old son comes home
A Italian girl tells her Mom
A psychiatrist had no patients in his office.
Suddenly, the door opened slowly and a man crept into the room on four legs.
His mouth was full with pieces of colored plastic.
He was holding strange objects in his hands.
He was dragging cables along behind himself.
The doctor was glad because of the visit and exclaimed,
“And what do we have here, a little snake? Come to Uncle Doctor, my snake…”
The man shook his head.
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t notice your legs. You’re a dragon, right?” The man shook his head again angrily.
“Sorry… a worm?” The visitor spitted out the plastic pieces.
“Go to hell, you idiot! I’m the system administrator and I came to change your LAN cable!”
A young banker goes to the tailor
A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic then, when they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum
A son took his old father to a restaurant
There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she was blind.
She hated everyone,except for her loving boyfriend.
He’s always there for her.
She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend.
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see everything.
Even her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend asked her,”now that you can see the world, will you marry me?”
The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend was blind too,and refused to marry him.
Her boyfriend walked away in tears,and later wrote a letter to her saying, “Just take care of my eyes dear,I love you.
A beautiful woman walks into a doctor’s office
A 91-year-old lady comes to the dentist’s office
Reporter: “Excuse me, may I interview you?”
Man: “Yes!” Reporter: “Name?” Man: “Abdul Al-Rhazim.”
Reporter: “make love?”
Man: “Three to five times a week.”
Reporter: “No no! I mean male or female?”
Man: “Yes, male, female… sometimes camel.”
Reporter: “Holy cow!”
Man: “Yes, cow, sheep… animals in general.”
Reporter: “But isn’t that hostile?”
Man: “Yes, horse style, dog style, any style.”
Reporter: “Oh dear!”
Man: “No, no deer. Deer run too fast.
Hard to catch.
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad
What bird can do more that others
A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house.
The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room.
As they walked through the first room, the woman said, “I think I would like this room in a cream color.”
The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, “Green side up!”
He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room.
The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour.
“In this room, I was thinking of an off blue.”
Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, “Green side up!”
This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything.
In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, “Green side up!”
Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, “Why do you keep yelling ‘Green side up’ out of my window each time I tell you what color I’d like a room?”
The contractor replied, “Because I have a crew of blondes laying turf across the street.”
A man walks into a bar one night
A Irishman walked into a bar
One evening a husband and wife were in bed.
The husband was reading a book, and the wife was watching TV.
The husband reaches over and puts his hand in his wife’s undergarment then withdraws his hand.
The wife was surprised by this and thought perhaps her husband was in the mood for a little love.
A short time later the husband again reaches into his wife’s undergarment then withdraws his hand.
Now the wife is almost sure that her husband is in the mood.
She decides to wait for him to touch her a third time and then she will know for sure.
The husband repeats the same move again.
She leaves the bed, removes her clothes, and returns ready for lovemaking.
Her husband, still reading his book, is surprised when she says, “Dear, I’m all ready!”
The husband asks, “For what?
She says, “Well, for make love, dear! You’ve fingered me three times in the last 5 minutes, and now I’m ready!”
The husband replies, “Huh? lovemaking?? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages of my book.”
A teacher is teaching a class
A mother took 6-year-old son
A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman.
The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!”
The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.”
“All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.”
Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.”
“I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.”
“She looked worse for wear so I took pity on her and let her into the car.”
“In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.”
“She devoured it in seconds.”
“Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.”
“While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.”
“I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.”
“I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.”
The husband took a deep breath and continued…
“She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…”
“You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?”
A Italian girl tells her Mom
One day her husband comes home early