The Argentinean golfer Robert de Vincenzo went to the parking lot to get his car after having won an important tournament.
At that moment, a woman approached him
After congratulating him for his victory, she told him her son was at the edge of death and that she had no money to pay the hospital bills.
De Vincenzo immediately gave her part of the money he had won that afternoon.
A week later, at a lunch at the Professional Golf Association, he told this story to a couple of friends
One of them asked him if the woman was blond with a small scar under her left eye.
De Vincenzo agreed
“You were cheated,” his friend said.
“This woman is a swindler and is always telling the same story to all foreign golfers that show up here.”
“So there is no child at the edge of death?”
“No.”
“Well, this was the best news I got this week!” said the golf player.
A old hillbilly farmer
A Old Man Goes To The Doctor
A undressed woman is bouncing on her bed singing.
Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.
He watches her a while then says, “You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you’re doing?”
She says, “I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the melons of an eighteen year old.”
She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, “Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45-year-old bum?”
“Your name never came up,” she replied.
A husband and wife were sitting at the table
She charged that he had called her a pig
Santa was traveling in a train.
The ticket collector came and asked him to show his ticket.
Santa politely asked, “Which one should I show, the one in my right pocket or the one in my left pocket?”
The T.C was taken aback.
He then said, “Show me the ticket in your right pocket.”
Santa promptly showed the ticket It was perfectly in order.
The T.C then asked for the reason for buying two tickets.
Santa explained, “If someone picks one pocket then I have the other ticket left.”
The T.C asked again, “Suppose someone picks both your pockets, what happens?”
Santa said with a smile, “I have a concessional monthly pass also.”
A certain king of Spain
A fisherman is walking carrying lobsters
After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs
Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, “Yes, yes but does she still have the hiccups?”
I left three envelopes in your desk
A group of devils
One day, while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
He’s inquiring about a particular petroleum jelly product to see how it’s being used, and by whom.
“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?”
“Yes. My husband and I use it during make love,” she answers.
The researcher is stunned by the blunt reply but quickly regains his composure.
“Um, er… I admire you for your honesty,” he continues.
“Can you tell me exactly how you use it?”
“Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail
A boy is wandering in a hotel
Two women were sitting in the doctor’s waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.
“I want a baby more than anything in the world,” said the first, “But I guess it is impossible.”
“I used to feel just the same way,” said the second.
“But then everything changed that’s why I’m here I’m going to have a baby in three months.”
“You must tell me what you did.”
“I went to a faith healer.”
“But I’ve tried that my husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn’t help a bit.”
The other woman smiled and whispered, “Try going alone, next time, dearies.”
The librarian handed the chicken a book
Fox & Rooster
Every day Nasreddin went to beg for alms in the market, and people used to make fun of him by playing the following trick:
They would show him two coins, one worth ten times more than the other, and Nasrudin would always choose the smaller coin.
The story went round the whole province.
Day after day, groups of men and women would show him the two coins, and Nasreddin would always choose the smaller one.
Then one day, a generous man, tired of seeing Nasreddin ridiculed in this fashion, beckoned him over to a corner of the square and said:
‘When they offer you two coins, you should choose the larger one.
That way you would earn more money and people wouldn’t consider you an idiot.’
‘That sounds like good advice,’ replied Nasreddin, ‘but if I chose the larger coin, people would stop offering me money, because they like to believe that I am even more stupid than they are.
You’ve no idea how much money I’ve earned using this trick.
“There’s nothing wrong with looking like a fool if, in fact, you’re being really clever.’
The Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples
The Unfortunate Man At The Bar
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work.
One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover.
“And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
“I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets.
“It’s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied.
“He’s got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon.
He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.
Being undressed, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.
It wasn’t that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the undressed?” one asked.
“Oh yes” he replied, gasping in air.
“It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you’re running.”
Another runner moved alongside.
“Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly.
“That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried.
“Do you always wear a protection when you run?”
“Only if it’s raining.”
A father and his son go grocery store
A woman was in bed with her lover
Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters .
So the first man went up to they’re father and said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said “no but you can sleep with the pigs.”
the second man went to the father and said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said ” no but you can sleep with the cows.”
the third man said “can I sleep with your 18 daughters?” the father said “yes.”
so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said “I slept like a pig” the second man said “I slept like a cow” the third man said “I felt like a golfer” the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.
Girl melons got one size bigger
Three Nuns Are Talking
A woman goes into a dirty toy shop to buy a wanker.
She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, “I want that one!”
He replies, “It’s not for sale.”
The woman says, “Please I want that one,” again he says it’s not for sale.
The woman says, “I’ll give you a hundred dollars for it.” and the salesman says, “Well, okay.
Five minutes later, his boss walks in and asks, “How’s business today?”
The salesman replied, “It’s pretty slow but I just made a hundred dollars off of my thermos.”
A rich lady gives her butler
Thai woman marries American man
The teacher asked little Johnny, “What’s two and two?”.
He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, “Four, teacher?”.
She said, “Yes, that’s right, but you counted on your fingers.
Put your hands behind your back and tell me what’s three and three”.
He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, “Six, teacher?”.
She said, “Yes, that’s right, but you’re still counting on your fingers.
Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what’s five and five”.
He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, “Eleven, teacher?.”
A burglar broke into a house one night
A rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator
Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap. He mind controls his caddy to mark it a hole-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the hole.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!!!”
A police officer asks a thief
A Father’s Last Request
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
‘We need a fourth for poker,’ said the friend.
‘I’ll be right over,’ whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, ‘Is it serious?’
‘Oh yes, quite serious,’ said the doctor gravely.
‘In fact, there are three doctors there already!’
A man meets a woman at a bar
A elderly woman went into the doctor
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and they both had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said “Where are you, you know we have lots to do.”
He said “You remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
“Yes, I do remember that shop,” she replied.
“Well… I am in the gun shop next door to that.”
A couple made a deal
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
“Away with you, vile insect!” said a Lion angrily to a Gnat that was buzzing around his head.
But the Gnat was not in the least disturbed.
“Do you think,” he said spitefully to the Lion, “that I am afraid of you because they call you king?”
The next instant he flew at the Lion and stung him sharply on the nose.
Mad with rage, the Lion struck fiercely at the Gnat, but only succeeded in tearing himself with his claws.
Again and again the Gnat stung the Lion, who now was roaring terribly.
At last, worn out with rage and covered with wounds that his own teeth and claws had made, the Lion gave up the fight.
The Surgeon Explains
The late king of a known Kingdom
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, Sir I must have misunderstood you what did you say?”
“Listen up, damn it I said I want to open a damn checking account now!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.”
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that sort of language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no damn problem,” the man says,
“I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!”
“I see,” says the manager, “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”
A cop notices how fast he is going
A Amish Lady Driving Her Horse-Drawn Buggy
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch.
He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his Mom.
As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out.
He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.
As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post.
Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!
So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man.
The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.
The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills.
Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for.
The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”
A 50 year old lady started learning how to swim
A American girl was visiting England
Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, “Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way.
I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff.
The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death.
“I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens.”
Sam continued, “I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head.”
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, “Who is Mary?”
A couple was going out
A wife come home from a shopping
A woman is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the woman returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The woman nods…
“I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the woman.
A couple lived near the ocean
Funny Psychiatrists
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How should I know?” the man answers, “I’m not a lawyer!”
A man walks into the psychiatrist
A woman went to her dentist
A married man decided to work late to be with his young secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work, he invited his secretary to dinner.
It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had lovemaking for two hours.
Afterward, the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him.
Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, “Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!”
“Hell, that’s nothing” she answered, ripping open her corset.
“Look what he did to my melons!”
Two boys playing by a stream
The 6th-grade science teacher
The Maid asked for a pay raise.
Madam was very upset about this and asked:
“Now Maria, why do you want an increase?”
Maria: “Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Madam: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “The Master said so.”
Madam: “Oh.”
Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Madam: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?”
Maria: “The Master did. Madam.”
Maria: “My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
Madam: (very upset now) “Did the Master say so as well?”
Maria: “No Madam, the chauffeur did.”
AND SHE GOT THE GOOD PAY RAISE.
The Devil invites Mike Tyson to hell
Saturday morning I got up early
One afternoon a fox was walking through the forest and spotted a bunch of grapes hanging from over a lofty branch.
“Just the thing to quench my thirst,” he thought.
Taking a few steps back, the fox jumped and just missed the hanging grapes.
Again the fox took a few paces back and tried to reach them but still failed.
Finally, giving up, the fox turned up his nose and said;
“They’re probably sour anyway,” and proceeded to walk away.
Rat & Piano
A magic fairy
A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, “where the hell have you been?”
“I was out getting a tattoo.”
“A tattoo?
What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my manhood.”
“What the hell were you thinking?
Why did you get a hundred “dollar bill on your weapon?”
“Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow.
Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money.
And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay home and blow a hundred bucks.”
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper
A man visited the pastor, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
“Pastor, ” he said in a broken voice,
“I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this neighborhood.
The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving.
They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $900.”
“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife “May I ask who you are?”
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes
“I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.
A mother took her little boy to church
A mother and a baby camel were talking
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought before a judge by a man to whom he owed some money.
The creditor said to the judge.
“This man owes me 500 dinars which are long overdue.
I request your excellency to order him to pay me immediately, without further delay.”
“I do owe him money,” said Nasreddin Hodja, “and I intend to pay him, I’ll sell my cow and horse if necessary, but it’ll take time.”
“He is lying,” said the other man.
“He doesn’t have a cow or horse or anything of value for that matter, I am told he doesn’t even have food in his house!”
“When he knows I am so poor, O Judge,” said Nasreddin Hodja, “ask him how he expects me to pay him immediately.”
The judge dismissed the case.
The captain saw a pirate ship
A elderly man Jimmy was walking down
If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.
Then ask them to spell the company name.
Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
Say “no” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak.
This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?”
If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems.
My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout…”
If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood?
Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?”
The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!” Hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”
Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
When the salesperson asks, “Is this the homeowner?” say, “Is this the salesperson?” And when they say, “Yes,” hang up.
Actual Instruction Labels
MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
“Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. ”
And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
A teacher was asking her class
Two elderly ladies have been friends
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me.” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
“How does that feel?”
He replied, “It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.”
Adam was talking to his friend
A young couple on their wedding night
A Scotsman, drinking in a Havana bar, saw a man with a large black beard enter.
He ordered a drink, the bartender served him, he drank it, and then started to leave.
The bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for that drink?”
The man said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!” and walked out.
A few minutes later, the Scotsman saw another man with a large black beard enter, order a drink, drink it, and start to leave.
The bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The man said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!” and walked out.
When the Scotsman finished his drink, he started to leave and the bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for those drinks?”
The Scotsman said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!”
The bartender looked him over. “Where’s your black beard?”
The quick thinking Scotsman hoisted up his kilt and said, “Secret Service!”
Two man went bear hunting
A elderly man goes into a night house