The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars.
Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.
The cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.
Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the rabbi what was happening;
“Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.”
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked,
“Did you buy this cow from Alberta?”
The people were dumbfounded.
They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.
“You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?”
The rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Alberta.”
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died
A guy had a dog that kept getting into the neighbors
Whispering firmly to the dying man, the priest said,
“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
The story of one 10-year-old boy
A woman walks into the city center
A man was married to a woman whose commands to her husband were as sharp as the bite of a barracuda.
It wasn’t so much that he was a coward, or too timid to talk back, but you know how it is let’s keep peace in the family.
One day the wife invited a group from the local women’s club to her house for tea and discussions.
To make sure that her husband did not interrupt the goings-on, she ordered him into the closet and sternly told him to stay there until the last lady had left.
During their bridge game, the ladies of the club spoke of the authority they wielded over respective husbands.
Not to be outdone, the hostess informed the others that not only had she ordered her husband into the closet, but she could order him to come out, at will.
“I’ll prove it,” she boasted.
“Bob!” she commanded, “come out of that closet!” No response.
“Bob!” she called in a louder voice, “come out of that closet this instant!” Nothing.
“Bob!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, “I order you to get out of that closet this instant!”
“No, I won’t!” came her husband’s muffled cry from inside the closet.
“I’ll show you who’s boss in this house!”
Jim first time leaving Europe
Harry and Sam were going for a stroll
Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on Christmas day their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game.
The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
“Why are you crying?” the father asked.
“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.”
Answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure “What are you so happy about?” he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
Tickle Me Elmo toys
Yesterday I was at my local supermarket
A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn’t open until morning so they have to spend the night in a hotel.
It only has one room available.
The priest says:
“Sister, I don’t think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room.
I’ll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed.”
“I think that would be fine,” agrees the nun.
They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.
Ten minutes pass, and the nun says:
“Father, I’m very cold.”
“OK,” says the priest,
“I’ll get a blanket from the cupboard.”
Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again:
“Father, I’m still terribly cold.”
The priest says: “Don’t worry, I’ll get up and fetch you another blanket.”
Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly:
“Father I’m still very cold. I don’t think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night.”
“You’re right,” says the priest.
“Get your own blankets.”
The Scotsman’s first baseball game
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her.
The supervisor couldn’t believe it: The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her melons was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
“Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your melons exposed!”
“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her melons into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They never put anything back when they’re through using it!”
Two businessmen were taking
A young lady meet a man in a pub
A farmer got in his truck and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
“Is your Dad home”? the farmer asked.
“Sorry mate, he isn’t” the boy replied. “He went into town.”
“Well,” said the farmer, “Is your mum here”?
“No, sir, she’s not here either. She went into town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Greg? Is he here”?
“He went with Mum and Dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for ya”?
the boy asked politely.
“I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one.
Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably,
“I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy considered for a moment.
“You’d have to talk to Dad about that,” he finally conceded.
“If it helps you any,… I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don’t know how much he gets for Greg.”
One common question was asked to all
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital
A man walks out onto a busy New York City street and happens to catch a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger looks confused, and asks, “Who..??”
The cabby says, “Frank Feldman..!!”
He explains, “He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman.” The cabby said with gusto.
He clarified, “Frank Feldmans was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.”
The cabby kept going, “He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman – he could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”
The cabby concluded: “He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
?????: “? ????? ???????? ??? ?????. ?? ???? ??? ? ??????? ??? ????.”
A man was sitting on the edge
He was a widower and she was a widow
There was a little girl who really loved dolls.
She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.
One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll.
It would make a perfect addition to her collection.
She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.
“How much is that doll, ma’am?”, she asked the old woman behind the counter.
“This doll is not for sale”, replied the woman.
“But it’s so beautiful”, said the girl. “I really want it.”
The old woman became irritated.
“I told you, it’s not for sale”, she said.
“Why not?”, persisted the girl.
“Because this doll is cursed!”
“Well… That’s OK. I don’t mind.”
“I’m not going to sell it to you… But if you really must have it, go ahead and take it. It’s yours. But if something bad happens, don’t blame me.”
“Ah! Yes, thank you!” said the girl, smiling as she grabbed the doll and walked out of the shop.
The little girl was so delighted to get the doll for free that she ran all the way home, carrying it in her arms.
When she got home to her apartment building, she went into the lobby. It was deserted.
She stood there waiting for the elevator to arrive.
The doors opened and she stepped inside, clutching her new doll tightly.
The doors closed, but the elevator did not move.
The little girl got scared and began trembling with fear.
“OMG”, she thought to herself. “Is this the curse of the doll?”
Suddenly, she felt the doll move in her arms.
Ever so slowly, its head turned to face her.
The little girl wanted to scream but she couldn’t make a sound.
The doll’s eyelids fluttered and opened.
It stared at her with it’s lifeless glass eyes.
Then its mouth opened and it said, “Push the button to go up, bitch!”
The preacher has just finished an inspiring
A American traveling to Japan
A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn’t know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities.
She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter.
After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term “Bathroom closet” but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.
“Does the camping ground have its own B.C.” is what she wrote.
Well, the camping ground owner was not old fashioned, and he just couldn’t figure out what the old lady was talking about.
So he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C
stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it.
They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there.
It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.
As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember this is a very friendly community.
I need to inspect your ranch
A elderly Irish farmer
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, “Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?”
“Uhh, oh yeah, O.K.” responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, “Well how much did you give the boy this time?”
“Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000.”
“That’s $1020!!!” yelled Dad, “Are you going crazy???”
“Don’t worry hon,” Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!”
She charged that he had called her a pig
The doctor examined the man
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”
“What happened?” The father asks.
“Well, she asked me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answered ’63’ , then she asked, ‘and 9 * 7?’ So I asked ‘what’s the bloody difference?’
“Indeed, what is the difference?” asks the father. ”Sure, I’ll go.”
The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, “Dad, have you gone by the school?”
“Not yet.”
“Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.”
“Why?” asks the father.
“Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. ‘Now,’ he says, ‘lift your left leg,’ so I asked, ‘What, am I suppose to stand on…. my weapon??’”
Exactly,” says the father. “Alright, I’ll come.”
The next day, the boy asks his father “Did you go to the school?” “No, not yet.”
“Don’t bother, I got expelled.”
Surprised, the father asks “Why did you get expelled?”
“Well, they summoned me to the principal’s office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.”
“What the bloody hell was the art teacher doing there!?” asks the father.
“That’s what I bloody said!”
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship
A blonde goes into a store
A man and his wife went to a doctor.
The Doctor took the husband in first.
The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an self enjoyment with his wife and she was getting frustrated.
He checked his blood pressure and other things and finally told him he would see his wife now.
He took her to another cubicle and told her to completely disrobe.
Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed.
He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.
Then he said, “OK, you can get dressed now, I will talk to your husband.”
Then the doctor went into the other office and told the husband, “You can relax. There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn’t get an self enjoyment either!”
A man rushes into his house
This woman asks her husband why he Is acting crazy
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.
After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch watched the turtle with pain.
Suddenly the female bird says to the male, “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”
Three Guys Go In For A Job Interview
Little Johnny is constantly late for school
A Husband And Wife Went To Have Dinner At A 5-Star Restaurant.
As the waiter comes with their food, the husband says,
“Our food has arrived! Let’s eat it!”
The wife reminds him “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before eating our dinner!”
The husband says, “That’s at home but here the chef knows how to cook food.”
A couple had been married for 40 years
A man shops for groceries with his wife
This guy goes into a doctors and says “Doctor, doctor you’ve gotta help me. I just can’t stop having lovemaking!”
“Well how often do you have it?” the doctor asks.
“Well, twice a day I have lovemaking with my wife, TWICE a day”, he answers back.
“That’s not so much”, says the doctor.
“Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have lovemaking with my secretary, TWICE a day,” replies the man.
“Well that is probably a bit excessive,” says the doctor.
“Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have make love with a call girl, TWICE a day,” says the man.
“Well, that’s definitely to much”, says the doctor.
“You’ve got to learn to take yourself in hand.”
“I do”, says the man. “Twice a day.”
A guy walks into a post office
Three young women are at a party
Anne was on her deathbed breathing her last.
“Anne”, said Anne’s husband Jim.
“Please, please,tell me, is there anything I can do for you?”
“Well” croaked Anne, “There is something. After I die, it would mean so much to me if you would marry my best friend Sandra.”
“You have nothing to worry about Anne” said Jim taking her hand,
“I’ve been thinking about that for a while now already.”
A terrible motorcycle accident
A lady was walking down the street
She was a friendly-looking young woman with a name tag that said Patricia Whack.
“I’m looking to take out a personal loan of $5000,” the frog said.
The loan officer stared at him skeptically. “Do you have anything to offer as collateral?”
The frog dug around in his pockets, and after a moment he produced a small, badly misshapen clay statue.
“What on Earth is that?” The loan officer asked.
“It’s just a trinket. I don’t have much to offer as collateral, I live in a swamp you see. But I swear I’m good for it!”
The loan officer crossed her arms. “Is it valuable? The bank is not a charity, sir!”
At this, the frog burst into tears. “Please! I’m desperate! My wife is pregnant with our 4000th-8000th kids, and things are tight! Can’t you help me???”
Hearing the commotion, the bank manager came over and asked what the trouble was.
The loan officer explained: “This frog wants a $5000 dollar loan, and all he’s offering for collateral is this little… thing. I don’t even know what this is supposed to be!”
The manager looked at the clay statue, threw his hands up and said,
“It’s a knock-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone!”
Big People Words
A big city lawyer went duck hunting
The following day, the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raised her hand, “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.”
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.
The teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”
Little Lucy went next, “My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.”
Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”
Next up was little Johnny.
He said, My gramps fought in World War 2, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.
He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a knife.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer.
The teacher looked stunned, but little Johnny continued, Then gramps landed right in the middle of 100 German soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!
So he pulled out his knife and killed 20 more.
Then the blade on his knife broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.
The teacher now looked more than a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
“Well,” Johnny replied, “don’t mess with gramps when he’s been drinking.”
Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen
A lion was feeling very hungry
A man and his son were once going with their donkey to market.
As they were walking along by his side a countryman passed them and said,
“You fools, what is a donkey for but to ride upon?”
So the man put the boy on the donkey, and they went on their way.
But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said, “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”
So the man ordered his boy to get off, and got on himself.
But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other, shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.
Well, the man didn’t know what to do, but at last he took his boy up before him on the donkey.
By this time they had come to the town, and the passersby began to jeer and point at them.
The man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at.
The men said, “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours, you and your hulking son?”
The man and boy got off and tried to think what to do.
They thought and they thought, until at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders.
They went along amid the laughter of all who met them until they came to a bridge, when the donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the boy to drop his end of the pole.
In the struggle the donkey fell over the bridge, and his forefeet being tied together, he was drowned.
Try to please everyone, and you will please no one.
Three Kids Are Arguing About
A photographer from a well known
During a visit to a closed institution, a visitor asks the director what criteria are used to decide whether someone has to be admitted or not.
The director says, “Well, we fill a bathtub, give the candidate a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket, and ask him to empty the bathtub.
The visitor:” Ah, I see, and a normal person would take the bucket with it it goes faster, yes? ”
Director:” No, a normal person would pull the plug …
Would you like a room with or without a balcony? “
A Man wishes every night
After 50 Years of Marriage, A Couple Was in Bed at Night, Then Wife Felt Something
As she was walking through a lovely park, she noticed a sad man sitting on a bench.
Next to him, there was a very tiny person playing a tiny piano. The woman got quite curious, and decided to approach and ask what was going on.
She said, “Hello, what a cute little musician you’ve got there. Where did you find him?”
The man replied, “I met a genie who told me that I could make a wish, any wish.”
“Really?!?” the woman asked.
“Where did you find him?”
“I came upon this lamp while I was vacationing in Egypt,” the man said, and pulled out a small lamp out of his backpack.
The woman was getting really excited.
“Wow! Can I try it?”
“Sure, but wait.”
The man didn’t have time to complete his sentence before the woman had grabbed the lamp and rubbed it vigorously.
A genie appeared and said in a booming voice, “You are hereby granted one wish Choose well!”
The man tried to interject, “Now wait just a-” but the woman instantly blurted out “I wish for a million bucks!”
Suddenly, one million ducks appeared around them. The noise from all the quacking around them was deafening.
The genie bowed and disappeared into the lamp.
The woman said, “Awh shoot I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks you know what, I think your genie’s hard of hearing.”
The man replied, “You’re telling me… Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”
The friendly usher
A Vicar goes to the dentist
An older couple were walking on a beach when the husband tripped over a bottle and a genie came out.
“You can each have one wish,” said the genie.
The wife made her wish first “I would like to travel around the world, with my husband,”.
Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world.
Now it was the husbands turn, “Well” said the husband, with a naughty look on his face “I wish I can have a younger companion,”.
The words were barely out of his mouth when poof, he aged 20 years!
Two men met at a bus stop
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant
A leper goes to watch a baseball game but when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat.
Because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, he’s very concerned about grossing out the other fans.
The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won’t disturb anyone finally, he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game.
He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.
The man answers, “Yeah just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
The leper sits down and adds, “As you can see, I have leprosy if it disturbs you, I’ll move.”
“It doesn’t bother me just shut up, and watch the game.”
A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick, I’ll find another place to sit.”
“It’s NOT you just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
So the leper sits back down but during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again this time it is projectile vomits.
A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man’s mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but it’s obvious that my appearance has caused you to get sick, I’ll find another place to sit.”
“Really, it’s NOT you just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
So the leper sits back down but during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again this time it is the dry heaves.
The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering and once again, the leper offers to leave.
But the man insists, “Really, it’s NOT you.”
So the leper asks, “Well if it’s not me that is making you so sick, than what is it?”
“It’s that guy behind you he keeps dipping his nachos in your back!”
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico
Who Is Doing All The Work
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib.
Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
“A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied.
“I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.”
A old gentleman marries a younger lady
She woke up and told her husband
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the rubber pack display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
The man matter-of-factually replies, “Those are called protection, son. Men use them to have safe lovemaking.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively.
“Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”
The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy.
He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“Wow!” exclaimed the boy.
“Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.”
There is a very special mirror
Two dwarfs go into a bar
A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.
She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his undressed patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
“Miss Smith,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”
The Policeman recently stopped a woman
There was this guy at a bar
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.
He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was driving’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!’”
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”
“Er.. about two minutes ago.”
He immediately turns to her
A elderly lady was well-known
There was a loser who couldn’t get a date.
He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, “It’s simple.
I just say, I’m a lawyer.”
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said “No,” he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, “Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?”
He said, “Why,… Yes I am!”
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, lovemaking, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already lovemaking someone.
One knight told his best friend
Young lady drove a little yellow sports car
A man is in a hotel lobby.
He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he acciedently bumbs into a woman besides him, and as he does his elbow goes into her huge melons.
They are both quite starled.
The man turns to her and says, “ma’am if your heart is as soft as your fronts, I know you’ll forgive me”.
She replies, “if your tool is as hard as your elbow, i’m in room 436.
Three fathers are talking about their sons
A first-grade teacher Ms Brooks