One day, an elderly man Jimmy was walking down Main Street when he saw his old buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
“Bubba, where’d you get that truck?!”
“Mary gave it to me,” Bubba replied.
“She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”
“Well, Jimmy, let me tell you what happened we were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere.
Mary pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed into the woods.
She parked the truck got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
‘Bubba, take whatever you want.’ So I took the truck!”
“You’re a smart man, Bubba! Them clothes wound never fit you.”
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought
Two young guys appear in court
An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.
‘Twenty pounds,’ she whispers.
Paddy had never been with a call girl before but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty pounds.
So they hid in the bushes.
They’re going ‘at it’ for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
It is a Police Officer.
Allo, Allo, Allo, What’s going on ‘ere, people? asks the cop.
‘Ta be shure, Oi’m making love to me missus,’ Paddy answers, sounding annoyed.
‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ says the cop,
‘I didn’t know.’
‘Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!’
Three little boys visiting their grandparents
Teacher asked a question to kids
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car both could barely see over the dashboard cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light.”
A few minutes later, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again, they went right through.
This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was mistaken.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and yet they went right through.
She turned to the woman driving and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?”
Johnny is constantly late for school
These Three Go To Heaven
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
Three female fugitives escaping from jail
A blonde went to a flight school insisting
Long ago, people lived happily under the rule of a king
The people of the kingdom were very happy as they led a very prosperous life with an abundance of wealth and no misfortunes.
Once, the king decided to go visiting places of historical importance and pilgrim centres at distant places.
He decided to travel by foot to interact with his people.
People of distant places were very happy to have a conversation with their king
They were proud that their king had a kind heart.
After several weeks of travel, the king returned to the palace.
He was quite happy that he had visited many pilgrim centres and witnessed his people leading a prosperous life.
However, he had one regret
He had intolerable pain in his feet as it was his first trip by foot covering a long distance.
He complained to his ministers that the roads weren’t comfortable and that they were very stony.
He could not tolerate the pain
He said that he was very much worried about the people who had to walk along those roads as it would be painful for them too!
Considering all this, he ordered his servants to cover the roads in the whole country with leather so that the people of his kingdom can walk comfortably.
The king’s ministers were stunned to hear his order as it would mean that thousands of cows would have to be slaughtered in order to get sufficient quantity of leather
And it would cost a huge amount of money also.
Finally, a wise man from the ministry came to the king and said that he had another idea
The king asked what the alternative was.
The minister said, “Instead of covering the roads with leather, why don’t you just have a piece of leather cut in appropriate shape to cover your feet?”
The king was very much surprised by his suggestion and applauded the wisdom of the minister.
He ordered a pair of leather shoes for himself and requested all his countrymen also to wear shoes.
Moral: Instead of trying to change the world, we should try to change ourselves.
A man is in a bar
A priest and a rabbi
There once was an elderly man who sold flowers in a small town and did quite well for himself.
Across the street some monks opened a flower shop as well and gave all their profits to charity and under priced the man.
The man had to do something or lose his business so at first he begged.
But nothing he tried got them to leave.
He then hired a man named Hugh who promised to solve his problem.
The next morning the monks were packing up and moving away.
Moral of the story is: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
The junior executive had been complaining
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared, ready to devour the man whole.
The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, “Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion.”
A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion.
The lion then drops to his knees, looks up to heavens and prays, “Dear God, bless you for this food I’m about to receive.”
The teacher asks a question
Frank always looked on the bright side
A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.
As he approached, the ticket agent asked,
“Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”
The old farmer said,
“That’s my pet rooster Chuck wherever I go, Chuck goes.”
“I’m sorry, sir.” Said the ticket agent.
“We can’t allow animals in the theater.”
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls.
Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.
The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
“Marge.” Whispered Mildred.
“What?” Said Marge.
“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”
“What makes you think so?” Asked Marge.
“He undid his pants and he has his thing out.” Whispered Mildred.
“Eh, don’t worry about it.” Said Marge.
“At our age we’ve seen ’em all.”
“I thought so too,” said Mildred.
“But this one’s eating’ my popcorn.”
A 6 year-old boy was in the market
Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen
A little old lady was walking her dog around a lake on a cold winter morning and the lake was still frozen.
All of a sudden, her little dog spotted a duck that was walking on the ice and ran out onto the frozen lake to try and catch it.
The dog ended up falling through the thin ice, fell into the freezing water and the little old lady started to scream for help.
“Help, help, my dog has fallen into the lake”, she cried out in a state of hysteria.
Watching all this commotion was a German student, who had been jogging around the park.
He sprinted over to the lady and asked, “Vot is zee matter viv your dog, can I za help?”
“Oh yes please,” the old lady said.
“My dog is in the water over there” and she pointed out to the lake, where how pet pooch was thrashing about in the water, struggling to stay afloat.
So, the brave German jogger, without hesitation, waded into the near-freezing water of the lake, saved the dog and placed it on the grass beside the old lady.
“Oh you are so kind”, the old lady said, “are you a vet?”
“VET!”, replied the German jogger.
Two elderly women were out driving
A old man was sitting at the river
A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in between them.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he’s allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he’s a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.
“His name is Sniffer, and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.”
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says
“Watch this. He tells Sniffer to ‘search’”.
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent’s arm.
The agent says, “Good boy”, and he turns to the man and says:
“That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”
“Say, that’s pretty neat.” replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent’s arm.
The agent says, “That man is carrying coc@@@@@@ine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police.”
“I like it!” says his seatmate.
The agent then tells Sniffer to “search” again.
Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, “What’s going on?”
The agent nervously replies, “He just found a boom!”
A old man was seated by the shoreline
A doctor goes out and buys the best car
“$85 for an extraction, Ma’am,” was the dentists reply.
“Och huv ye nay got anything cheaper,” replies the Scottish lass getting agitated.
“But that’s the normal charge for an extraction, Ma’am,” replied the dentist.
“What abut if ye did nae use any anesthetic?” asked Maggie hopefully.
“Well it’s highly unusual, Ma’am, but if that’s what you want, I suppose I can do it for $65.”
“What abut if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi’ too anesthetic?” asked the Scottish lass.
“Well it’s possible, but they are only training and I can’t guarantee their level of professionalism
It’ll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40.”
“Och that’s still a bit much, how ab too if ye make it a training session and have yon student do the extraction and the other students watching’ and learning’?”
The dentist replied, “Well OK it’ll be good for the students, I suppose
I’ll charge you only $5 in that case, but it will be a traumatic experience.”
“Now yer talking’ laddie! It’s a deal,” said Maggie.
“Can ye book the hubby in for next Wednesday?”
A old Italian man goes to church for confession
A Greedy Cup
The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, “Who broke down the walls of Jericho?”
Little Johnny replies, “I dunno, but it wasn’t me!”
The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny’s lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies, “I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.”
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story…
After listening he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!”
A small boy lived in the local village
A man with an elephant walks
She was standing on the sidewalk of Atlíântica Avenue with a guitar and a hand-written sign that said: “Let’s sing together.”
She began to play.
Then a drunk arrived, then another old lady and they began to sing along with her.
In a short time a small crowd was singing together and another small crowd played the audience, clapping hands at the end of each number.
“Why do you do this?” I asked between songs.
“I don’t want to be alone,” she said “My life is very lonely, just like almost all old people.”
I wish they all could solve their problems in this way.
The cuckoo clock
The Bartender Is Impressed
Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend.
“You are wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.
“Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”
The end of a job interview
A boy is selling fish on a corner
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘careful!
Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once.
Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter.
Oh my gosh! Where are we going to get more butter?
They’re going to stick! Careful.
Careful! I said be careful!
You never listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind?
Don’t forget to salt them you know you always forget to salt them Use the! Salt.
Use the salt! The salt!’ The wife stared at him.
‘What in the world is wrong with you think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’
Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting
Examination At School
A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him,
“How the hell do the two of you have lovemaking?”
The big guy says, “I just sit there on a chair, she sits on top, and I love her up and down.”
His friend says, “You know, that don’t sound too bad.”
The big guy says, “Well, it’s kind of like hand practice, only I got somebody to talk to.”
A man went fishing one day
A very shy guy goes into a pub
Bob was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Ralph is driving home
A lady goes to the doctor
A undressed woman is bouncing on her bed singing.
Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.
He watches her a while then says, “You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you’re doing?”
She says, “I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the melons of an eighteen year old.”
She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, “Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45-year-old bum?”
“Your name never came up,” she replied.
A husband and wife were sitting at the table
She charged that he had called her a pig
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. A
t the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.
They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”
The Christmas carol performance
A group of blondes walk into a bar
An old man and a 20 year old are paired together at a golf tournament.
They’re playing a long par 5 that dog legs around some tall trees.
As the 20 year old sets up his tee shot to hit onto the fairway the old man notes
“when I was your age we used to hit over the trees not around to the side.”
So the 20 year old readjusts and tries to hit over the trees but can’t clear them and loses his ball.
He tries again and loses that one too.
Then the old man says “of course, when I was your age, the trees were only 6 foot tall.”
A truck driver was going down
A boss says to his secretary
A doctor takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes, and says to Mr. Smith, “I have some bad news.
The tests results came back positive for cancer. Now, I can help you through this with counseling. I have a one o’clock tee time, why don’t you join me.”
They go to the golf course, and on the first tee the patient runs into a few guys he knows and he tells them he is dying of AIDS.
Curious, the doctor asks, “Why are you telling everyone you are dying of AIDS when in fact you are dying of cancer?”
The guy looks at the doctor and in a very low voice says, “I don’t want any of my friends sleeping with my wife after I die.”
A good looking guy is sitting in a bar
A teacher trying to teach good manners
Four-year old Johnny was curious about her mother’s grey hairs.
One day, he asked her, “Mommy, why is some of your hair turning grey?”
The mother seized the opportunity to give him a life lesson.
She replied, “You see, Johnny, every time a baby does something naughty, one of Mommy’s hair strand turns to grey.”
Johnny replied, “So that’s why grandmother has a head full of grey hair.”
Mr. Smith is reading his morning paper
A man came home from the mine
A man is in a hotel lobby.
He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he acciedently bumbs into a woman besides him, and as he does his elbow goes into her huge melons.
They are both quite starled.
The man turns to her and says, “ma’am if your heart is as soft as your fronts, I know you’ll forgive me”.
She replies, “if your tool is as hard as your elbow, i’m in room 436.
Three fathers are talking about their sons
A first-grade teacher Ms Brooks
Ted was a young boy who used to spend all of his time playing sports and making music.
He never went on the computer because his parents forbid him from touching any computer because they knew all the bad stuff you could find on the internet.
Nevertheless, Ted was happy and went on without computers until he got to high school.
All his friends were playing video games and having fun and he started to feel a bit left out, so when he got home one day from school, he begged his mother to get him a computer.
“Please mother, please, all my friends are playing computer games!”
He would cry, but his mother continued to deny him.
1 week later the issue rose again in his friends group at school and everyone was confused why Ted couldn’t play video games with him.
After repetitive failure from his mother, he asked his dad.
“Please father, please, all my friends are playing it!” But his father denied him as well.
Ted was really angry and all he wanted to do was play online with his friends every once in a while.
He thought he’d take matters into his own hands and he stole his fathers computer and hid it in his room.
That night he played with his friends for hours and hours until morning, then he secretly stayed home and played all day.
His dad didn’t notice until that afternoon, when he walked into his office and his computer was missing, so he asked his son Ted if he touched it.
Ted owned up and gave the computer back, but had a tantrum afterwards.
“WHY DON’T I GET TO PLAY WITH MY FRIENDS” he yelled in tears.
Feeling pity, his dad finally bought him a laptop.
Ted was on it 10 hours a day and refused when his parents told him to get off.
After 2 months nothing had changed and his parents started to get worried about his well being.
They approached him to talk about it. Ted agreed, but only if he could play video games whilst they talked.
“So Ted” his mother said, “we’ve been worrying about you lately” “uh-hu” Ted said.
“Seriously son!” His father yelled, “this needs to stop!” “Mhm yep” Ted replied.
“Are you listening to us Ted?” His mother said, but Ted didn’t even reply.
“You know what son?” His father yelled, “you are a tool Ted.”
Three guys are sitting around the campfire
I was playing a big game of hide and seek
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?” The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
“Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
“Yes.”
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked.”
“Yes.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.
Bidding at a local auction
A lawyer’s dog
A boy decides to learn the language of all animals.
Dad, there is a school where you can learn the language of animals.
Please, give me money to go there and study.
Fathers agree and give him money.
After a year, the son returns home and the father decides to test his skills.
Son, did you learn the language?
Yes father. Do you hear the cow mooing? She says that she is about to give you 10 liters of milk.
That’s impossible, this cow can give no more than a liter.
Dad milked the cow and it actually gave him 10 liters of milk.
Dad’s super confused but decided that it was a coincidence.
Do you hear that hen? She says that she is about to lay 5 eggs now.
That’s impossible, that hen has never laid any eggs before.
Dad still goes there and checks for the eggs and there actually are 5 eggs laid.
Dad is confused but starts to believe his son.
The second day son sees a donkey running away from his dad and hee-hawing.
Dad trying to pull up his trousers and chase the donkey and screaming to his son: Don’t trust this donkey, she’s lying, don’t believe it son.
A man was in hurry to catch a train
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs
A man walked into the bar and saw an old friend of his, drinking by himself.
Approaching his friend, he commented, “You look awful. What’s wrong?”
“My mother died in May and left me $15,000,” the friend answered.
“Boy, that’s tough,” the man replied.
Continuing, the friend said, “Then in June, my dad died leaving me $50,000.”
“Gosh, both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you’re depressed,” said the man.
“Last month my aunt died and left me $10,000,” the friend added.
“That’s a lot to deal with. Losing three close family members in three months, is terrible!” replied the man.
“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing! Not even a single dime!”
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug
At the first house the owner said
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.
I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife and taken illegal drugs.
I was appalled but as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people…”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,’ said the politician ‘In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!
One of the priests said
Serious hearing problems
A man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrow $200 for six months.
The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has.
The man says, “I’ve got a Rolls Royce – keep it until the loan is paid off – here are the keys.”
Six months later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $200 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce.
The loan officer asks him, ‘Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two hundred dollars?’
The man answers, ‘I had to go to Europe for six months, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?’
A man was being interviewed for a job
Three guys are in a Cessna
A wife was in bed with her lover.
When she heard her husband’s key in the door.
“Stay where you are,” she said.
“He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife.
Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.
The husband climbed out of bed and counted.
One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.
A sweet old lady is making lunch
little kid is walking street with his Daddy