To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well… uh… that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second guy smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks,
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
A motorcycle police officer
A man had a parrot of which
An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them.
And every morning, he would see all the pigs make love up a storm.
He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to make love his wife but he always got soft before he got there.
So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pigpen.
“No!” said his wife.
“Don’t kill those pigs!”
“I’m not going to kill them. I’m moving the pen closer to the house.”
A elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop
A man owns a rabbit farm
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
Just as the bartender is about to ask the customer for his order he hears a phone ring.
The customer puts his hand up to his ear and says, “Hello? No honey, I’ll be home in 20 minutes, love
you, bye.”
The bartender says, “What the heck is that?”
The customer replies “It’s my hand phone..give me your home number so you can try it.”
With that, the bartender gives him his home number and the customer punches the numbers in on his hand and puts his hand up to the bartender’s ear.
The bartender’s wife answers and he who is very amazed says, “I…honey… just thought I’d call you and tell you I love you OK bye.”
The bartender says, “That’s amazing! How do you get one?”
“I’ll tell you when I get back from the restroom.”
30 minutes later there is no sign of the customer and the bartender is getting concerned so he walks to the restroom to make sure the guy is OK.
When he enters he finds the guy with his pants around his ankles, bent over with his palms on the wall and a long piece of toilet paper hanging out of his bum.
“What the hell are you doing?” asks the incredulous bartender.
“Give me a second,” the man replies as he grunts and groans, “I’m getting a fax.”
A young blonde lady went on a tour
A man goes to take out a loan
An estranged father take his teenage daughter on a vacation to reconnect with her after her mother passed away
The two check into the resort hotel & spend the day relaxing by the pool & getting to know each other
The next morning the man comes down to reception to order some fresh towels & the concierge ask him how the reconnection going with her
He say to the concierge everything going far better than he expected & he asks the concierge to have a large quantity of lettuce & carrots sent to the room with the towels
The concierge asks him why he want so much lettuce & carrots & the man replies “I want to see if she eats like a rabbit too”
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding
A pregnant woman walking across the street
In a neighbourhood, there was a brothel closing down and selling or giving away furniture.
Alongside the furniture was a parrot that was left behind, which had earned an experience from looking around and hearing stuff there.
So an elderly wife with two children, a son and a daughter, decided to go and look for any good deals there.
As she was looking around she found the parrot that was being sold so she decided she would buy and take the parrot home because it would’ve been a pity if she left it behind.
So she took the parrot home and left it at the kitchen in its cage.
So later on the wife went to take something to eat from the fridge. The parrot goes:
“New bawd I see”
Later the daughter went to make some coffee.
“New hoe I see”
After that, the son went to get some water
“New pimp I see”
And then the dad went to make something to eat. The parrot goes:
“New bawd, pimp and hoe but at least John is still here
Three ducks went to court
I wanted to pick up a few more tennis balls
Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time every day he was five, ten or fifteen minutes late.
But as he was a good worker and very sharp, the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk.
“Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player.
That’s what I like to hear It’s odd though, your coming in late.
I know you’re retired from the Air Force what did they say if you came in late there?”
“They said, ‘Good morning, General’.”
Edna are both mental patients
A water bearer in India had two large pot
An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing.
Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs.
When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, and goes back to her knitting.
Her husband, puzzled, asks, “What was that for?”
She replied, “That was for 50 years of bad make love.”
He goes back to his newspaper, but a few minutes later, he looks at his wife and whacks her across the head.
The wife, also puzzled asks him, “What was that for?”
Not looking up from his newspaper, the husband answers, “That is for knowing the difference.”
A older couple were lying in bed
A couple in their nineties were both having problems
The very snobbish woman was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid.
“Now what about the butler” the rich woman said?
“A set of wine glasses” the maid suggested?
The woman frowned icily.
“He doesn’t really need that. A butler never entertains. He’ll get a tie”.
The maid grimaced, but said only, “What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl”?
The woman frowned again. “She doesn’t really need a new dress. She’ll only get in trouble. We’ll get her another apron”.
The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her employer’s arrogance when they reached her husband.
“I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam”? the maid replied.
“Of course”, the woman replied.
“Then what about three more inches”? said the maid.
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting
A old man and his wife lived in the hills
A man knocked at his Bedouin friend’s door to ask him a favor:
“I want you to lend me four thousand dinars because I have a debt to pay can you do that for me?”
The friend asked his wife to gather together everything they had of value, but even so it was not enough.
They had to go out and borrow money from the neighbors until they managed to get the full amount.
When the man left, the woman noticed that her husband was crying.
“Why are you sad? Now that we’ve got ourselves in debt with our neighbors, are you afraid we won’t be able to repay them?”
“Nothing of the sort! I’m crying because he is someone I love so much, but even so I had no idea he was in need.
“I only remembered him when he had to knock on my door to ask me for a loan.”
The porcupines decided to group
Two hunters from Moscow charter
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush.
They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely undressed.
They call the police and as they wait, they decide to cover the woman up.
The Cubs fan takes of his hat and covers her left fronts.
The Royals fan takes off his hat and covers her right fronts.
The Yankees fan takes off his hat and covers her crotch.
The police arrive.
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Cubs hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Royals hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He the lifts the Yankees hat, looks underneath, starts to set it back down, stops, does a double-take, sets the hat back down slowly and starts to write in the little book.
The Yankees fan is upset by this. He asks, “What was that? Haven’t you seen one of those before?”
The detective replies, “You misunderstand. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat,
The pilot announced
He knocked on the door of one house
They decide to meet for tea and discuss their lives.
The first older lady starts telling the second about all the wonderful things her husband has done for her over her life.
“See this big ol’ ring right here on my finger? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.”
Second lady, “Well, isn’t that nice.”
First lady, “See that big ol’ nice car out there? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.”
Second lady, “Well, isn’t that nice.”
First lady pulls out her phone and starts showing the other pictures of her house.
“See this big ol’ house right here? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.”
Second lady, “Well, isn’t that nice.”
First lady, “Well now, I’ve been going on and on about my husband, what has yours done for you?”
Second lady, “My husband sent me to finishing school.”
First lady, with an incredulous tone, “Now why would he do something like that?!”
Second lady, “So I’d learn to say things like, ‘Well, isn’t that nice’, instead of, ‘What the f— ever’”.
The Sleepy Teacher
The doctor tells him
On his way to the protest site he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop.
Our guy rolls down the window and asks, “How can I help you?”
“I am the red bast..
of the asphalt, you got something to eat?”
With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away
Not even five minutes later he comes across another guy.
This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop.
A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window and asks, “What can I do for you?”
“I am the yellow bast of the asphalt, you got something to drink?”
Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of soda and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again.
In order to make it to the protest site before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what.
To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him.
Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time.
He rolls his window down and yells to the guy, “I know, you’re the blue bast of the asphalt but just what the heck do you want?”
A gnat annoyed with a lion for disturbing
A Polish man had married a Canadian girl
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy something.
“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the creek to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got,” said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said,
“My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”
The old man was so happy, he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it.
The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.
She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said,
“so this is the hussy he’s been fooling’ around with!”
The woman was discussing with her maid
A man called his doctor
A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn’t want to pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,” replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500,” replied the man.
“Precisely. That’s what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him.”
Two men waiting at the pearly gates
This guy says to his buddy
Little Johnny runs to his dad and says, “Dad, there’s water in the carburetor of the car!”
“How can you be so sure?” the father asks.
“I just know there is,” replies Little Johnny.
“Do you even know what a carburetor is?”
“No,” says Little Johnny.
“OK, where is the car?”
“In the lake.”
Joey goes into a pharmacy
A son challenged his father game of golf
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns.
The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?”
Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.”
The copy says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.”
“Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says.
“Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
But then the copy glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear.
He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?”
Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”
Two tourists were driving through
A policeman stops a lady
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in make love.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental.
He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!”
The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”
“Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”
There were five people aboard an airplane
The bartender asks the guy sitting
Following a vow of silence, none of the monks were allowed to speak at all.
But there was one exception to this rule every ten years, the monks were permitted to speak just two words.
After spending his first ten years at the monastery, one monk went to the head monk.
“It has been ten years,” said the head monk.
“What are the two words you would like to speak?”
“Bed… hard…” said the monk.
“I see,” replied the head monk.
Ten years later, the monk returned to the head monk’s office.
“It has been ten more years,” said the head monk.
“What are the two words you would like to speak?”
“Food… awful…” said the monk.
“I see,” replied the head monk.
Yet another ten years passed and the monk once again met with the head monk who asked, “What are your two words now, after these ten years?”
The priest asks a little Joey
A Samurai who was known
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees wasn’t in and had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper: “Hello?”
“Is your daddy home?” He asked.
“Yes.” Whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?”
The child whispered. “No.”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked. “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes.”
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered. “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked.
“Is anybody else there?”
“Yes.” Whispered the child. “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked.
“May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy.” Whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.” Came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked.
“What is that noise?”
“A helicopter.” Answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” Demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered.
“The search team just landed a helicopter.”
Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated the boss asked: “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle “Me.”
A Football team was on the field during practice
A lost dog strays into a jungle
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money
Many people had tried…
over time: weightlifters, dockers, etc., but nobody could do it.
One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, “OK”; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow But the Crowd’s laughter turned to total silence…
as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man: “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little fellow quietly replied: “I work for the Australian Taxation Office
A doctor entered the hospital
The first snow of the season
Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
One nun suggests to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door.
They ask, “Who is it?” “Blind man!”
The nuns look at each other and one nun says, “He’s blind, so he can’t see. What could it hurt?”
They let him in. The blind man walks in and says,
“Hey, nice melons. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church
A man dies goes to Heaven
Three guys are on a plane, ones black, ones white, and ones Mexican.
The pilot says: “there’s to much weight you all need to throw something off the plane.”
The black guy throws his Jordan’s and says: “we have to many of these in our country.”
The Mexican throws off his lawn mower and says: “we have to many of these in our country.”
The white guys throws the Mexican and says: “we have to many of these in our country.”
A little girl and a little boy
During lunch at work last week
Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, the boss left work early.
One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, had some playtime with her son and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband.
But when she got home, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside her bedroom.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said they planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way,” she said, “I almost got caught yesterday!”
A co-worker told John
A female reporter was conducting an interview
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
“Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary,
“I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled jeeringly and said,
“John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know he’s only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Brian proposed to Jill
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a undressed beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had melons bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad.
His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”
A elderly man made his final request to his wife
My wife told me to go to the doctors
One evening a husband and wife were in bed.
The husband was reading a book, and the wife was watching TV.
The husband reaches over and puts his hand in his wife’s undergarment then withdraws his hand.
The wife was surprised by this and thought perhaps her husband was in the mood for a little love.
A short time later the husband again reaches into his wife’s undergarment then withdraws his hand.
Now the wife is almost sure that her husband is in the mood.
She decides to wait for him to touch her a third time and then she will know for sure.
The husband repeats the same move again.
She leaves the bed, removes her clothes, and returns ready for lovemaking.
Her husband, still reading his book, is surprised when she says, “Dear, I’m all ready!”
The husband asks, “For what?
She says, “Well, for make love, dear! You’ve fingered me three times in the last 5 minutes, and now I’m ready!”
The husband replies, “Huh? lovemaking?? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages of my book.”
A teacher is teaching a class
A mother took 6-year-old son
A Man asks every night before going to bed:
“Oh Lord, make me win the main prize in the lottery!”
So it goes year in and year out Man gets old and rickety over the years,
but every evening he asks: “Lord, make me win the main prize in the lottery!”
One evening a voice replied:
“ Man, give me a chance! Buy a lot!
A man goes to the doctor
During a visit to a closed institution
Two man decide to go duck hunting.
Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven’t bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says, “I just don’t understand it.
Why aren’t we getting any ducks?”
Her friend says “I keep telling you, I just don’t think we’re throwing the dog high enough.”
A blonde was suffering
A guy asked a girl in a university library
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’
‘No’, he replies, ‘I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.’
The intrigued woman says, ‘A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?’
‘It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,’ he explains.
‘What’s it telling you now?’
‘Well, it says you’re not wearing any undergarment.’
The woman giggles and replies, ‘Well it must be broken then because I am wearing undergarment!’
The man explains, ‘Damn thing must be an hour fast.’
A man is traveling through the jungle
A man is sitting on a train
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem you see, only you’ve got to promise not to laugh”.
The doctor replies, “Of course I won’t laugh!
That would be thoroughly unprofessional.
In over twenty years of being a doctor I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“OK then,” says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest weenie he has ever seen in his life.
Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably.
Several minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” he says to the patient.
“I don’t know what came over me, I won’t let it happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?
The man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says, “It’s swollen.”
A man goes into a restaurant
A boy starts his first day at Walmart