A Man asks every night before going to bed:
“Oh Lord, make me win the main prize in the lottery!”
So it goes year in and year out Man gets old and rickety over the years,
but every evening he asks: “Lord, make me win the main prize in the lottery!”
One evening a voice replied:
“ Man, give me a chance! Buy a lot!
A man goes to the doctor
During a visit to a closed institution
A man and a woman, who had never met before
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room
the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying,
“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied.
“Just for tonight, why don’t we pretend that we’re married?”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he is excited.
And she said.
“Then get up and take it yourself”!!
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention
A man walks into a Bank gets in line
On New Year’s Eve, a woman stood up at a local pub and said it was time to get ready for the midnight countdown.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to stand next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
They were stopped by the police
The Social Security Office
In a school science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sp*rm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
1) The first worm in alcohol – dead.
2) Second worm in cigarette smoke – dead.
3) Third worm in s**rm – dead.
4) Fourth worm in soil – alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class – “What can you learn from this experiment?”
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said:
“As long as you drink, smoke and have love, you won’t have worms.
A woman was having a daytime affair
A lady approaches a priest and tells him
A policeman goes home after a long and exhausting day at work.
He enters the dark bedroom and strips off his uniform, leaving it on the floor.
Being so tired he did not bother to turn on the light, plus he didn’t want to disturb his wife who was in bed.
Just before he got into bed his wife said,
“Honey we are out of bread, please buy one at the corner shop, as I needed it to make breakfast for the kids.”
“Fine,” said the husband,
“but you should have mentioned it before I took off my uniform.”
He then put on his uniform and went to the corner shop.
He took up the loaf of bread and while paying for it, the cashier says to him.
“New job?”
“Nah” replied the policeman.
“Really?” said the cashier, “so how come you have on fireman uniform?”
A husband went to the police station
Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch.
They have just lost their bull.
The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount.
If I can, I will send you a telegram.”
She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word.
She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.”
Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?”
The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.’”
Two elderly women were trying on shoes
A blonde goes to the local bar
An 80 year old women was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.
During her court appearance the judge asked the lady.
“So tell me why did you steal the peaches?” to which the old lady replied,
“Your honor I was very hungry because my husband and I have no money to eat”.
The judge then asked the old lady “How many peaches were in the tin?”
“Six” she replied.
“OK i’m going to give you one day in prison for each peach.”
All of a sudden, the wife’s husband stood up and objected the judge’s ruling.
“Your honor I have to admit, last week she stole a can of peas”.
Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby
Two men were having a of golf
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said,
“You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”
“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”
A blonde girl goes to the council
Mrs. Parks asked her class
Haggard and tired Fred returns home from a long day of golf with his golf buddies.
Fred’s wife greets him at the door and seeing his condition exclaims, “Honey, you look awful, how was your game?”
Heaving a sigh, Fred replies, “Worst game of golf I’ve ever played.”
His wife asked what happened.
He went on to explain, “Charlie had a heart attack and dropped dead on the first tee.”
“Oh, that’s just terrible,” his wife exclaimed.
“It WAS terrible,” Fred replied.
“All day long it was: Hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie.”
You Are All The Same
A duck walks into a general store
An 87 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.
“I’ve never been better!” he boasted.
“I’ve got an 18 year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, Let me tell you a story.
I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season but one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.
The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle and do you know what happened?” the doctor asked.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No, what?”
The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him.”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man.
“Someone else must have shot the bear.”
The doctor replied, “That’s kind of what I’m getting at.”
A young woman visiting her new doctor
Mick Says To Paddy
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her:
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks.
“Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”
“NO!” Says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks.
“Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”
“NO!” Says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says.
“Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 Bucks and a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.”
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out.
“Look, Dad, you’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley – YOU RIDE IT.”
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer
Two ladies are walking their dogs
The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut.
When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently.
He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail.
Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut.
When his friend arrived, he went to the hut’s opening to greet him just then, the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king and killed him.
A tourist is picked up by a cab
The father shark said to the son shark
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math
His parents had tried everything: tutors, flash cards, special learning centers in short, everything they could think of.
Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face
He didn’t kiss his mother hello
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work his mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for sometime, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books with great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.
She could no longer hold back her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?”
Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, “No.”
“Well then,” she replied, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?”
Little Tommy looked at her and said, “Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy on the wall bared to the big plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”
A good cat
She calmly writes down his order
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things, when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said,
“I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man,
“is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said,
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out,
“Goodbye, Mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
“How can that be?” He asked,
“I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
Two old women are discussing
The doctor said to the elderly man
A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, “where the hell have you been?”
“I was out getting a tattoo.”
“A tattoo?
What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my manhood.”
“What the hell were you thinking?
Why did you get a hundred “dollar bill on your weapon?”
“Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow.
Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money.
And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay home and blow a hundred bucks.”
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper
Mr Brown was telling his son a bed-time story.
“Once upon a time there was a white bunny…”
“Jeez..dad it’s boring,what about science fiction?”
“Ok, Ok”
Mr Brown said,
“Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and….”
“Dad, a little more grown up!”
“Do you promise me not to tell your mom?” asked Mr Brown.
” I swear!”
“Ok”,
“Once upon a time there was a undressed bunny…”
A father was reading a magazine
The Elderly Couple Gets Stranded On Island
A teacher is trying to teach good manners to her third-grade students.
She turned to her class and said,
“Michael if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying, “Well, that would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”
Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you behave for once and show us your good manners?”
Johnny said, “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”
That’s when the teacher fainted.
Johnny asks his dad
A salesman is talking to an old farmer
A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist.
He says to his friend, “That’s amazing. How did you get that?”
The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish.
He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish.
So the man thinks and says, “I wish I had a million bucks.” The genie says, “OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted.”
The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads.
He goes back in and tells his friend what happend, and his friend replies, “I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?”
Sharing A Room
A little girl and her mother at church
An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
“If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?”
“I’d have to say the living one.”
Quasimodo goes to a doctor
This guy walks into a bar
She got to the pearly gates to find an angel waiting.
“What do I have to do to get in?,” she asked.
“You just have to spell a word,” the angel replied.
“That doesn’t sound bad, what word do I have to spell?”
“Love.”
Relieved, the woman quickly fired off, “L-O-V-E”.
The angel nodded and opened the gate.
Many months passed and one day the angel guarding the gate approached the woman and asked if she would mind watching the gate for the day.
The woman agreed and assumed her post while she’s there, a man approached the gate, and it was none other than her husband!
“Oh, my love!,” she cried, “What has happened to you so soon?”
“My dear, I was a wreck the day you left me, I fell into a deep depression that couldn’t be beaten when you were in that accident, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I could do nothing but mourn for you,” he said.
“I hope you eventually were able to move on and not live with that pain for too long,” she consoled.
“Actually,” he replied, “There was a nurse that took wonderful care of you, and me as well! We eventually became very close, and she helped me so much.
I eventually asked her to marry me we were on our honeymoon when I got into a terrible skiing accident that’s why I’m here! So… what do I have to do to get in?”
“You simply have to spell a word,” she informed him.
“That’s it? What a relief! What word do I have to spell?,” he inquired.
Two Elderly Nuns Dulce And Andrea
A shepherd discovered a fat Pig
A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination is over, he says,
“Okay, Doctor. In plain English what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor,
“You’re just lazy.”
The man nods.
“Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.
A wealthy man walked into a bar
A man and his dog walk into a pub
A little old man told his wife, “I have to go to my doctor’s appointment now. I’ll see you later.”
After he left, his wife sat down on the couch and watched television.
A news report came on that someone was driving down the interstate highway in the wrong direction.
Knowing that was the route he would be on, she called to warn him,
“Honey, there’s a car going in the wrong direction!”
The husband replied, “They’re all going in the wrong direction!”
A angry wife was complaining about her husband
A husband and wife were dining at restaurant
A blonde was driving down the road and she looks up and she sees a tree so she swerves to the left.
The tree is still front of her so she swerves to the right, this time her car rolls into the ditch.
When the Police Officer came to the scene of the accident the blonde told the Police Officer about the tree that was in front of her.
The officer kindly explained that the tree was the green air freshener hanging off her rear view mirror.
A man hasn’t been feeling well
A Father is asked by his friend
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”
The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
A guy walks into a bar
A police officer attempts to stop
An estranged father take his teenage daughter on a vacation to reconnect with her after her mother passed away
The two check into the resort hotel & spend the day relaxing by the pool & getting to know each other
The next morning the man comes down to reception to order some fresh towels & the concierge ask him how the reconnection going with her
He say to the concierge everything going far better than he expected & he asks the concierge to have a large quantity of lettuce & carrots sent to the room with the towels
The concierge asks him why he want so much lettuce & carrots & the man replies “I want to see if she eats like a rabbit too”
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding
A pregnant woman walking across the street
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable It’s just that you look just like my son who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said.
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye mother’? It would make me feel much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50
“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
A man went to a gift store
A security guard has a dream
A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets.
He sees a monkey with a price of 5000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details.
Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money?
Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games.
Good monkey, it’s worth the money.
He goes and finds another monkey with a price of 10000$ and again he will ask the merchant.
“What does this monkey know?”
“It knows Linux, Unix, Co rel and Auto-cad.”
“Nice, even I don’t know those things.”
On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price 20000$.
The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details.
“And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money?”
“I never saw her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager!”
A security guard has a dream
The bank robber
An Australian asks a travel agent what’s the cheapest possible vacation to London that lets him see everything.
“I have a whole evening in Dubai on the way back?
Very well, I’ve always wanted to see the world’s tallest building.”
He packs his bag, wakes up at 6, rushes to the airport, takes off at 9, crosses Pacific 14 hours nonstop, runs to his connection, flies 10 more hours and never slept a wink cause of the jetlag.
By this point he just wanted to crash at his hostel but was so sleep-deprived he almost got hit by a car at the airport.
A local asked “Did you come here to die?” “No I came here yesterday
One day, Einstein has to speak
I paid a visit to an art gallery today
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO”S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS” COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY”S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
You Know You’re Addicted
Telemarketer Repellant
Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs…”AMEN, BROTHER!”
When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again…”PREACH IT, REVEREND!”
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying…they jumped to their feet and screamed, “RIGHT ON, BROTHER…TELL IT LIKE IT IS…AMEN!”
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet, and one turned to the other and said, “He’s done quit preaching and now he’s meddling’.”
A man got really drunk one night
A young executive was leaving the office